Am I just too young to feel sexual attraction?

[Pikachu27]

I am a 14 year old girl. Until a few months ago, I had never heard of asexuality or known what it was. Since then, I have read through several threads about asexuality. I have since been questioning if I am asexual and just now decided to join AVEN.

I have never experienced sexual attraction, which fits the definition, but I have been questioning if I am sexual, but am too young to have experienced sexual attraction. I have been looking for threads that discuss how young is too young to know your sexuality, but in all of them it is referring to those who are questioning if they are gay or bi. I have no found any places that discuss how young is too young to know if you are asexual. Reading ones that are referring to those who are gay or bi doesn't help me, as they are talking about either how I should just know, and about how no one questions someone having a hetero crush, but not the other way around. No such threads have been of any use to me.

I feel like me being asexual is a very strong possibility, however I have no shared this with anyone else. I realize that no one else can tell if I am or am not asexual, as it is something that I must figure out for myself. However, I do want to know if I only feel this way because I am too young to feel sexual attraction.

If it is of any correlation, I know that I am not attracted to girls. I have never had that thought. I also know that I am romantically attracted to boys. I have never felt the need or want to have sex, and the idea of a sex-free life sounds perfectly fine to me. Honestly, when I think of sex, it kind of disgusts me. I don't know if I can be sexual and still find the idea of sex unappealing, but that is only a small factor in my thinking I am asexual, anyway.

[My alias]

You know yourself better than I know you but In my opinion sexual orientation is something that doesn't seem "final" until after puberty. People aren't born realizing they are gay/hetero/ace because it is something you discover about yourself as you mature. so my say is yes, you are too young to be "really asexual"

But you know you if you feel that it is something that really defines you then go with it ^^ :)

[butterflydreams]

First of all, however you feel is totally fine regardless of your age. You feel that way right here, right now, and that makes it fine :)

If you feel that the asexual label is useful for you right now, and it helps you, then grab it and wrap yourself in its comforting warmth. If not, that's cool too! And if you try it, and find it doesn't fit a few years from now, I promise the asexual police won't come looking for you with a ticket ;)

That being said though, I would encourage you to do what you can to keep an open mind about yourself, and your feelings. I know when I was 14 it was a pretty tumultuous time! Figuring out my sexual orientation?! Ha! I could barely figure out what to wear in the morning. I think I would encourage everyone that age to enjoy the time, and enjoy the experience of growing up (as best you can). Lots of things change. I almost think that advice is more important for people wondering if they might be asexual. There are so many pressures, and things are changing so quickly...it can be easy to feel different. Not just orientation-wise, but everything-wise. But here's a secret: things are changing for everyone else too! They're in the same boat as you are, even if they don't seem like it.

So definitely take the label if you feel you want to now! You're never to young to feel what you feel. Just try not to worry about it too much (tricky, I know :)). These things tend to work themselves out over time, without you having to do anything :)

[brightberry]

Statistics Warning:

So 10 years old is the average age for first reported sexual attraction. The standard deviation is about 3 years, which means that (in oversimplified terms) 84% of the people in the survey fall between the 0-13 year age gap. You being 14 means that, of people your age, around 85% to 90% have experienced sexual attraction. With each year, that number will rise. For 16-year-olds (like me), 97.5% have experienced sexual attraction, and by 19, 99.85% will have experienced it (statistically, not necessarily realistically)

Statistics Over

I think that it's definitely possible that you are asexual. However, you could be part of that ~15%, and so personally I would wait. However, nobody can stop you from using labels, and if you feel like it fits you, then use it! In the meantime, you can browse AVEN to your heart's content, and nobody will condemn or judge you if you decide to use the term or not (and if they do, they're jerks and don't listen to them).

In my experience, I knew something was different about me a long time before 14. I kissed a girl and didn't enjoy it (I didn't try with a boy, but I assume the result would be the same), I never thought about being sexual with girls (and never felt the need to try), and I always felt uncomfortable when other boys would talk about sex.

Wrap-up: If you feel like it fits, use it! You can use it and change your mind later, or you can start using later. Whatever works for you is good.

[NeroReaper]

Well you know you, and no one can label you expect you.

But the thing is, you are young and for me personally it took almost two years to decide that I am asexual. Because if you just base it off of one month, or something like that just because you did not meet anyone I personally don't think that counts. That you should meet several people and give them a small chance, to see if your body responds to it. You are fourteen though, your body is just starting to develop. You just started your period few years ago. It only means your body can have babies, but it does not result in feeling horny all the time. Plus some teenagers don't even date until they are older. Not every teen jumps into a middle school romance.

As I previously said, you know yourself better than anyone.

[verily-forsooth-egads]

Statistics Warning:

So 10 years old is the average age for first reported sexual attraction. The standard deviation is about 3 years, which means that (in oversimplified terms) 68% of the people in the survey fall between the 7-13 year age gap. You being 14 means that, of people your age, around 75% to 80% have experienced sexual attraction. With each year, that number will rise. For 16-year-olds (like me), 95% have experienced sexual attraction, and by 19, 99.7% will have experienced it (statistically, not necessarily realistically)

Statistics Over

I thought being 1 standard deviation above the average meant 84% of 13-year-olds would have experienced it, and an additional small amount at 14 that I'm not gonna try to calculate because I had like 2 weeks of statistics. Am I misunderstanding something?

[brightberry]

Statistics Warning:

So 10 years old is the average age for first reported sexual attraction. The standard deviation is about 3 years, which means that (in oversimplified terms) 68% of the people in the survey fall between the 7-13 year age gap. You being 14 means that, of people your age, around 75% to 80% have experienced sexual attraction. With each year, that number will rise. For 16-year-olds (like me), 95% have experienced sexual attraction, and by 19, 99.7% will have experienced it (statistically, not necessarily realistically)

Statistics Over

I thought being 1 standard deviation above the average meant 84% of 13-year-olds would have experienced it, and an additional small amount at 14 that I'm not gonna try to calculate because I had like 2 weeks of statistics. Am I misunderstanding something?

Whoops, you're right. I'll go back and edit the main post.

(Sorry Pikachu27 for derailing the conversation)

[verily-forsooth-egads]

Statistics Warning:

So 10 years old is the average age for first reported sexual attraction. The standard deviation is about 3 years, which means that (in oversimplified terms) 68% of the people in the survey fall between the 7-13 year age gap. You being 14 means that, of people your age, around 75% to 80% have experienced sexual attraction. With each year, that number will rise. For 16-year-olds (like me), 95% have experienced sexual attraction, and by 19, 99.7% will have experienced it (statistically, not necessarily realistically)

Statistics Over

I thought being 1 standard deviation above the average meant 84% of 13-year-olds would have experienced it, and an additional small amount at 14 that I'm not gonna try to calculate because I had like 2 weeks of statistics. Am I misunderstanding something?

I think you just got the numbers wrong. This picture is from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/68%E2%80%9395%E2%80%9399.7_rule

(Sorry Pikachu27 for derailing the conversation)

You're counting out from the inside. This is a timeline, we should be counting up from the bottom. The entire bottom 50%, plus the other 34%+.

[Kazu]

I don't think you're too young! I realized I was asexual not too long after I turned 15. Sexuality's fluid so if you feel asexual right now, that's ok! But if you don't tomorrow or in a year or two, that's ok too! Maybe you should try the asexual label out for a little bit and see how it sits with you. And if fits right, you'll know. It'll feel like closure and maybe even be a little comforting having a label and knowing you're not broken. If not, that's ok, just keep trying to figure it out. You'll get it eventually even if you decide not labeling your sexuality is what fits you best. There's also a bunch of little more specific labels like demisexual (feeling sexual attraction after a close bond has been formed) or gray-asexual (occasionally feeling sexual attraction) so maybe you fall into one of those..? Or going by the last part of your post, maybe you're sex repulsed. I digress, I think browsing the forums here could help a lot especially if you come up with anymore questions c: (sorry my train of thought was all over the place)

Welcome to AVEN btw! :D

[Tessc]

I agree with Kazu: sexuality is too fluid to put a definite yes or no on it at your age. I went through stages when I thought I was bi,when I thought I was straight, then finally settled on ace. But it is true that most people start feeling some form of sexual attraction pretty young. (I'd agree that it's between 10 and 13.) You don't have to label yourself right now, since you're still quite young, but there's no harm in saying you're ace right now and changing your mind later on. It's not like it's government sanctioned or anything (despite what the pollies might want to think!)

What I think I'm trying to say is: if you happen to find someone you're attracted to in a few years, then that's great. If not, then that's great as well. A label is just a label; something to call yourself to make others more comfortable :)

[TheLandsBeyond]

I'm mostly going to echo what others are saying, but the more the merrier when it comes to validation.

You're at an age where everyone is in different stages of development. Honestly, it wasn't very long ago when I was there myself. I remember my friends going on about hot guys incessantly. Hell, my best friend lost her virginity when she was 12. I wish I'd known about asexuality then, not because I would have announced it to the world, but because it would have reassured me that I wasn't behind everyone in development and that there wasn't something wrong with me. Identities aren't about showing others who you are; they're tools to understand yourself.

If you want to use asexual as one of your labels, then you have every right to do so, and you will find tons of support throughout AVEN. If you do experience sexual attraction later on, there is no shame in changing your label. Sexuality is fluid for everyone; you're just at a stage in development where sexuality tends to be more malleable. You may later discover that you are gray-a or demi, asexual or allo, but you can always have a place in this community. Anyone can.

[Lenika]

If you feel like it fits then go with it. Its entirely up to you!

We will accept you for who you are no matter what :)

[Ficulnean]

I'd say that those statistics are really informative; you fall between 68 and 95, roughly, a chance of having experienced sexual attraction if you are sexual.

Now, my own opinion, right after reading your age, is that yes, you are too young. But, after you were clearly able to identify romantic attraction, I though that that about balanced it out. I'd say, we can't know for sure, but that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you using this label currently, as it fits who you are at the moment.

[butterflydreams]

Something else to consider (I thought of this today). When I was 13-14, my body was a confused, frustrating mess of hormones. It was awkward, unpleasant at times, and unwelcome. There was no way I could've had the mental clarity to really look at myself and understand what I was feeling, especially with regards to separating libido from the mix. That didn't come for me until much later, around 16 or 17.

Figured I'd throw this out there just in case anyone else is around that age and wondering about themselves. It's a time of such rapid change.

[Hikishi]

Hi @Pikachu27 :)

I'm not afraid to admit that recently I made a mistake commenting regarding age and knowing oneself. A very good friend of mine pulled me up on it, thankfully. Basically what my friend said reminded me of a documentary I saw, about this young lady.

The young lady in question was about nine years old, and Trans*. She'd known from a young age that she was a girl. and she wasn't changing her mnd any time soon.

This documentary basically charted her progress as she went through the trials and tribulations of growing up trans*, and what that might mean for her come puberty time.

Thing is, when I watched this documentary, I never once questioned the girl's identity. She believed she was a girl, and that was good enough for me.

When my friend and I were having this conversation some time later about being Ace, I said that you couldn't know until you'd gone through some experience, and that was very wrong of me, because I'd just essentially made the same mistake about young aces, as others before me had made when addressing trans* people, or homosexuals.

And I knew better than that!

(I apologise for that by the way, it was a nasty lesson for me to learn).

It is possible to know you're ace from whatever age. It's also possible that right now you're ace, and later on you may realise that you're identifying somewhere else on this, or any other scale.

The fact of the matter is, right now, you're comfortable identifying as ace, and that's great! You've found something to help you in the path to discovering yourself.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is it's never to young to identify as Ace, and you're welcome here regardless.

[Pikachu27]

Thank you to everyone who replied. I think I am comfortable identifying as ace should it ever come up, although I don't know why it would, as I think everyone just assumes I'm straight. I feel comforted knowing that no matter if my identity changes over time or if I really am ace, I have a supportive group of people. I always thought it was weird how girls were fawning over people like Taylor Lautner, and I just didn't get it. They thought I was insane that I didn't think he was 'hot', but I never understood it. I mean, I've thought guys were cute, but that's it. I used to think I was just weird. Now it is nice to know that I have people to talk to about this and I'm not alone.

[Guest Sheka4]

No one, but you knows how you feel or what you want. Your sexuality is like riding a wave of discovery, it's gonna have its ups and down, but you'll never know where it'll take you.

[butterscotchwm]

For me, I didn't realize I was asexual until I was 18, but that's only because I didn't know there was a word for it. I knew I was different from my friends and I wasn't interested in sex ever since I was - oh, 15 or 16? But if it weren't for my friends becoming sexual people as they got older, I would have never even thought about it. I feel like the discovery of asexuality happens when you compare yourself to everyone else - realizing that your friends are doing and experiencing this thing that you just don't get. So my gauge would be: Do you have friends who are your age who feel sexually attracted to people? If you feel different from the majority of 14 year olds concerning sexuality, then you're not too young.

I mean, I'm 21, I'm asexual, and reading your post was like listening to my own 14 year old self from the past, haha!

[imgone]

I am going to echo what everyone said, about puberty being a time where some of these things may be in flux, but that it's okay to identify as asexual while you feel asexual. I'm also going to add that in hindsight I definitely could have realized I was asexual at 14. I didn't for a number of reasons, mostly because I assumed I experienced sexual attraction when really I was feeling almost all kinds of attraction *but* sexual. Mostly when people talked about sexual attraction I assumed they felt the same things I felt, they just weren't afraid of sex like I was. I know for a fact now that even at 12, 13, 14, my friends were experiencing some level of sexual attraction and libido and I was not, but this is not something I realized at the time. It can be really hard to get outside of your own head with these things, that it's difficult to know if you've never experienced sexual attraction when you aren't sure what the heck it is. I think though if 14 is old enough to have some feeling about whether or not you're straight or gay, you can also have some feeling about being ace. I finally came to terms with my identity when I was about 16-17 which is not much older, especially since I'd been done developing for years by that point, so I don't think 14 is too young at all.

Anyway, welcome to AVEN!