Asexuals who aren't sex-repulsed with sexual experience

[PatheticGirl]

I want to understand if there are any asexuals who have had sex in their life, how they felt about it.

My intent is to know from those who actually aren't sex-repulsed but on their own doesn't see sex anything needed. Does it gives same trauma as to a sex-repulsed individual? Or is it more related to your partner, how he treats you, how closely are you bonded, what is level of commitment of your relationship, etc etc?

[Smmk]

Well, I identify as demisexual, going towards asexual. I am currently sexually active with my partner whom I share a relationship with for almost 4 years now. I personally don't need sex and I have a very low libido. My partner however is very sexual and wants it every day.

Our relationship is really strong and we communicate very well with each other, so there is no need for us to make a problem out of our differences about sexuality. I don't see me having sex with him despite my (a)sexuality as a compromise because I like doing it if it makes him happy. He does also understand that having sex every day will not work for me, and that he has to do like...a LOT to get me in the mood.

I do like having sex sometimes, but not because it feels amazing physically. I am unable to orgasm during sex most of the time but I don't mind, and my partner knows it has nothing to do with him.

It does however feels nice emotionally, being close to him and feel this bond we share in such an intimate way. No, I don't need sex, but for my partner I don't mind doing it sometimes :)

[GeorgiaBL]

I was married for 26 years, the whole time not knowing I leaned toward being asexual. It was a factor in the eventual demise of the marriage. X has a very high libido, wanting sex daily. I just couldn't keep up. My libido seemed to only kick in once every other month.

Not knowing much about sex before having been married (I grew up in a very sexually-repressed household, in a church community that was very traditional about pre-marital sex, plus didn't go through the average stages of adolescent sexual self-discovery), I was very surprised at what seemed to be required of me from the beginning. And I immediately felt "broken". That feeling continued throughout my marriage.

As time went by, and I learned more about participating in a sexual relationship, I became a little more proactive about having my needs met, sexually speaking. It did take a lot of "work" on my part to get warmed up, but everything functioned just fine. I am able to experience orgasm and find the experience both pleasant as well as uncomfortable. While I do experience sexual release, I do not experience relaxation afterwards, but rather, a lot of physical and emotional agitation.

I never felt sexual attraction towards X or anyone I actually know. I wanted to feel more emotional intimacy with him, but that was also hard to achieve. Eventually, he sought other women to have his sexual needs met. I'm not really sure he's capable of emotional intimacy. I just married the wrong person, and while I knew that we weren't quite right for each other since about a couple months after we started dating, I wasn't at all sure of myself back then and didn't stand up for myself. I think my life would have been very different if I had ended the relationship.

I find randomly seeing pornography is very disturbing to me, and that feeling stays with me for a few hours. Before discovering that asexuality was my thing, the idea of dating again was disturbing because I knew I would have to deal with someone else's sexual expectations right away, and I don't every want to feel that feeling of being broken again.

There have been several men that have shown interest in me, sexually speaking, and I found that while I felt a tiny bit flattered, I felt nothing for them on any level. That made me sad at the time, since I thought I would NEVER EVER enjoy a relationship with a man again. But since coming to understand and accept my asexuality, I have given myself permission to relax about it all and move on with the life I really want to live. If that ever involves dating someone, I may have anxiety about it when that comes up, but I do have the confidence that I will be able to work things out for my own behalf.

[young.modern]

I've been with my s/o for just over three years now and have been sexually active for about 8 years. I don't enjoy it. I count down from 100 over and over again until it is finished. I need to be in the right frame of mind or else it's just not happening. I love my s/o very much and I know he really enjoys it. He does other things that I like (back rubs, foot rubs, cooks a fantastic roast dinner) so it's only right that we do the things he also likes. If I don't think too much about it when it's happening, it's fine.

Usually I find that sex is more effort than required. It's unnecessarily tiring, I get nothing out of it and it means I need to have yet another shower after that I didn't plan on having. Eh.

I do like the closeness though. It's nice to know that there are people in this world that do like having sex with me.

[swirlyink]

It wasn't until this year I figured out I was asexual. Before then I'd just assumed I hadn't found the "right" person yet so I had some one night stands and relationships with sex. I can't say I've really felt sexual attraction to any of my partners. I think I could say a majority of the experiences were negative and kind of traumatizing because very often it was just about the sex and there was no real closeness or intimacy or care for me as the other partner. But I was lucky enough to have a few good sexual relationships. In those, while I never craved sex and often wasn't in the mood to start with, it ranged from neutral to a fun activity.

I think in the end it has most to do with the partner. The one really good sexual relationship I had was based on a year of friendship before we ever even met each other. A majority of the negative ones were one night stands with strangers.

[Keels]

So, I'm still working on this, but my current understanding of myself is that sexual attraction/sexual desire is just not a strong motivation for me. This means that while I've had sex, and have enjoyed it, it's always been motivated by something else: getting to know a new partner, being close to them, sharing, doing an enjoyable activity with them -- or, well, wanting to have a child with my wife. :)

What this has meant in practice is that, in almost all cases, there's been enthusiastic, happy sex at the beginning of relationships, but then it has dwindled down to nothing after a few months, after the "getting to know you" phase is over. This has never made much sense to anyone involved (including me, until a few weeks ago when I came here). And, indeed, it's had the negative effect of starting some bad emotional cycles in my partners, either of the "is he no longer attracted to me?"/"I want to feel wanted" type, or just sort of growing indifference over time.

On my end, it tends to feel fun and exciting and satisfying for a while, and then seem more and more like a chore, I guess. My general feeling seems to be, isn't it just as satisfying to spend a quiet night on the couch, reading, watching TV, whatever? Or make a meal together, go on a hike together? My partners have said no, in one way or another, but I've never had the tools to discuss it intelligently/non-defensively, until now.

[BangBang]

I've only had sex with the one person and it was strange and a bit stressful. As a guy I had to give a much higher level of commitment than I wanted to so in the end it just felt like I was taking part in a job interview. I couldn't relax and it was just a hassle.

[Iggy]

I have little sexual experience, and haven't done it in many years. I never really wanted to, and just went along with it because it ssemed expected. I didn't get out of sex the pleasure that my partners at the time did, or what I had been led to expect. All sex did for me was confirm that I was somehow different. Other people talk about the conection they feel with their partners during and after sex, but sex just made me feel very alone.

[Simser101]

I've been sexually active since I was 16. Forced during my first relationship so I figured that was why I didn't enjoy it much. My 2nd boyfriend was inexperienced and I too much of a prude to guide him so I figured that's why I didn't enjoy it much. My 3rd relationship/1st marriage was with a man who liked experimenting and I didn't so I felt pressure and figured that's why I didn't enjoy it much.

Been with my s/o for 8 years and he's loving, invests in me and us, is not selfish in the bedroom at all. Had my first orgasm with him (took just a little over 2 hours to achieve). But still, it's O.K. at best and if he didn't have any needs I just as gladly forget about it. It's overrated, a lot of work, makes me feel yucky afterwards and I have so much more things to do. We've worked things out so that it'll be O.K. for both of us but I wouldn't shed a tear if I could never have sex again.

I just recently had an "aha" moment that made me realize that I may be asexual.

[thatotherguy57]

I've had sex once, it was the biggest letdown of my life. I had been led to believe that it would be the greatest thing ever, and afterward, I couldn't understand why some people think about it all the time. I'm fairly apathetic to sex, though I do not rule out the possibility that I may engage in it again, should I be in a relationship.

[Guest]

I have had sex with four people. I am not repulsed, but I don't like sex. I just find it boring, but not traumatic. It's like cleaning the litter boxes, or doing the dishes, or any other chore.

[Sally]

Boring boring boring boring boring, and irritating. And I loved my husband and dearly loved my subsequent partner. Didn't make any difference; just borrrrrrrrrrrrrring.

[Sammy1991]

I've had plenty of sex and not once did I get anything out of it. It was such a chore to me. My god, I seriously sometimes wish more people were asexual and the sexuals had less people but only to make babies so we won't all die out because the reason I say this is because then more people like asexuals won't have all these problems and judging us. We can find other asexuals way easier and it won't be so rare. But me saying that don't mean I look down on sexual people. They are who they are just like I am what I am.

[imgone]

I was sex-repulsed for a long time, but pulled myself out of it a few years ago before finally coming to terms with my asexuality. Now I'm somewhere between sex-indifferent and -favorable. I'm really indifferent about sexual pleasure, and while my partner can totally do things to look good, like having good hygiene, wearing nice clothes, etc. I'll never find him "sexy." That said, I enjoy it as a romantic experience. My first time was a little surreal, maybe, but definitely not traumatic. I think if it were with someone I was less comfortable with I'd be a lot more embarrassed to be naked, haha.

[Guest]

I'm not sex repulsed at all, I just don't enjoy the way sex feels, and I have no desire for something that I don't enjoy. Like Sally said boooring, and irritating (EDIT can also be painful, for me anyway.. penetration is a nightmare lol .. I have been with men and women though, and didn't experience any more enjoyment from being with a woman with no penetration involved at all. It's any stimulation at all that I have no enjoyment of, regardless of whether I am aroused). I actually do have a libido and masturbate, it's just partnered sex (anyone else stimulating my genitals in any way) that I have no enjoyment of. I had a lot of sex in the past, before learning about asexuality: I was trying to force myself to want and enjoy it, as well as punishing myself for what I deemed to be 'broken' .. thank God I finally learned about asexuality and realized that actually, some people just don't desire partnered sex. Asexuality has even been found to exist in animals, so yeah.. I now know it's *totally* natural and feel so much better about myself than I *ever* did before :)

EDIT: so yes, having sex is actually pretty traumatic for me when it's with a guy because I find the penetration very painful.

[Ricecream-man]

Well, all of mine were before I confirmed that I was asexual so it was a whole lot of awkwardness and a lot of self-hate afterwards. Although, I feel like if I did it now I wouldn't mind at all. If you decide to end up doing it, I would try and make sure you find someone who's gentle and understanding at first. I've known a lot of guys who follow the porn star method, and from what I've heard from many girls, that's definitely not good the first time even for sexuals.

[averylongwalk]

any type of negative feeling could be considered repulsed. sex repulsed.

anyways, I've had sex a lot, not so much lately but that's a choice. I've only ever considered it a means to an end, nothing more, nothing less. To me, I may or may not like it but I usually decide that after the act and before it doesn't really matter.

[averylongwalk]

I'm not sex repulsed at all, I just don't enjoy the way sex feels

Sounds like you'd rather not, like you'd avoid it.

so, yes. sex repulsed

[dabishop]

I don't think any of the encounters I've had so far even qualify...there's a pretty big difference between meeting someone with an eye to shagging them at some point and seeking someone out to share in a particular fetish. The activities that end up happening may look alike in both scenarios, but they couldn't be any more different in terms of intent. Kind of like saying two individuals are the same because they both ate a Big Mac, even though one of them is hungry and likes fast food and the other is a humanoid-disguised cephalopod from Alpha Centauri who's just discovered that his digestive system can convert Big Macs into rocket fuel.

I don't have anything against sex as an activity, but Big Macs? Blech. :)

[Guest]

I'm not sex repulsed at all, I just don't enjoy the way sex feels

Sounds like you'd rather not, like you'd avoid it.

so, yes. sex repulsed

Warning: TooMuchInfo (fetish and sex talk)

I would prefer you do not put words in my mouth, ever. Someone can be sex-positive and/or non-repulsed, without personally enjoying partaking in sex themselves. I am one such individual, and there are many other members here who feel the same.

I love (graphically) talking about and writing about sex, as well have having a fetish for bodily/sexual fluids among other things. I am about as un-sex-repulsed/disgusted by sex as it is possible to be, I just personally do not enjoy the feelings of sex.. I am in no way repulsed by the feelings, or by genitals, or by fluids, or by contact with my lover. I also have a libido, experience arousal, and masturbate to orgasm.. I just don't enjoy the feelings of partnered sex (genital stimulation by another person) and actively choose not to partake in sex because I get nothing out of it and end up just upsetting any sexual partner I am with (why aren't you enjoying it? why won't you orgasm? why do you keep yawning and biting your cuticles? blah blah) as well as becoming upset myself because it's just not something I enjoy doing. Like if my partner wanted me to play tennis with them, I'd become very bored and very irritated very fast. Why do something I do not enjoy? what's the point? why put myself, or a sexual person, through that?.. there is a massive difference between feeling repulsed by something, and not enjoying it. I do not enjoy tennis at all, but I am certainly not repulsed or disgusted by it.

repulse

rɪˈpʌls/

verb

past tense: repulsed; past participle: repulsed

• drive back (an attack or attacker) by force.

  "rioters tried to storm the Ministry but were repulsed by police"

  synonyms: repel, drive back, drive away, fight back, fight off, put to flight, force back, beat off, beat back, push back, thrust back; More

• cause to feel intense distaste and aversion.

  "audiences were repulsed by the film's brutality"

  synonyms:

  revolt, disgust, repel, sicken, nauseate, make someone feel sick, turn someone's stomach, be repulsive to, be extremely distasteful to, make shudder, be repugnant to, make someone's flesh creep, make someone's skin crawl, make someone's gorge rise, offend, horrify;

And there would be actual sex-repulsed individuals here who, having been extremely offended by some of the sexual content in some of the comments I make on AVEN, would probably be quite offended by you putting me in the same category as them. (there is nothing wrong with them being sex-repulsed of course, it's just that I am not sex-repulsed.)

There have been rather a few threads started by sex-repulsed people lately regarding how offended they are by a lot of the sexual content on AVEN and I am often an overly graphic contributor in sex-positive threads.

Just, try not to put words in people's mouths.. especially not my mouth. It is very much not appreciated.

EDIT: and all that aside, applying labels to other people is seriously not cool. It's up to every individual to label themselves if they so wish, and how they so wish. No one appreciates having a label applied to them by someone who does not know them or for whatever reason feels they are incorrect with the labels they have chosen to apply to themselves: It's very offensive.

[Schrecken]

I used to be sex-repulsed, but I no longer am. I almost hesitate to comment here simply because I have yet to have actual penis in vagina intercourse; however, I've done pretty much everything else sex-wise with my current bf, so I might be able to offer some opinions. As for how I feel about it, I've not had any bad feelings (other than the fact that I sometimes struggle with my own internal conflicts, but those have nothing to do with being asexual) and I have actually enjoyed some of it so far. But even so, I am still ambivalent about having sex (PIV especially, and sometimes the other stuff like manual and oral that I've already done). Part of me wants to have it, but another part of me lacks what I would imagine is the burning desire to jump someone's bones that sexuals often speak of. He has gotten me off manually a few times, and while I did enjoy it, I also wouldn't feel too awfully disappointed if he didn't try to get me off one night (as I could just go home and take care of it myself). So while I look forward to "going all the way", I don't feel like I'm going to die without it either. Granted, I miss my bf if I don't see him often, but for me it is simply a desire to be with him, even if we don't always do sexual things.

[Mycroft is Yourcroft]

I was sexually active for a year before I discovered asexuality, and honestly temporarily became repulsed as a result of that constant stress and worry. About 7 or 8 months after ending that relationship and spending a lot of time in this community though, I lost that repulsion, and became quite comfortable talking about anything sex-related basically.

Before I started becoming repulsed though, I saw sex as a chore, nothing else. It was something that I had to do to keep the relationship going, and I assumed it was normal since we were never really taught what 'common' attitudes towards sex were.

[averylongwalk]

I'm not sex repulsed at all, I just don't enjoy the way sex feels

Sounds like you'd rather not, like you'd avoid it.

so, yes. sex repulsed

Warning: TooMuchInfo (fetish and sex talk)

I would prefer you do not put words in my mouth, ever. Someone can be sex-positive and/or non-repulsed, without personally enjoying partaking in sex themselves. I am one such individual, and there are many other members here who feel the same.

I love (graphically) talking about and writing about sex, as well have having a fetish for bodily/sexual fluids among other things. I am about as un-sex-repulsed/disgusted by sex as it is possible to be, I just personally do not enjoy the feelings of sex.. I am in no way repulsed by the feelings, or by genitals, or by fluids, or by contact with my lover. I also have a libido, experience arousal, and masturbate to orgasm.. I just don't enjoy the feelings of partnered sex (genital stimulation by another person) and actively choose not to partake in sex because I get nothing out of it and end up just upsetting any sexual partner I am with (why aren't you enjoying it? why won't you orgasm? why do you keep yawning and biting your cuticles? blah blah) as well as becoming upset myself because it's just not something I enjoy doing. Like if my partner wanted me to play tennis with them, I'd become very bored and very irritated very fast. Why do something I do not enjoy? what's the point? why put myself, or a sexual person, through that?.. there is a massive difference between feeling repulsed by something, and not enjoying it. I do not enjoy tennis at all, but I am certainly not repulsed or disgusted by it.

repulse

rɪˈpʌls/

verb

past tense: repulsed; past participle: repulsed

• drive back (an attack or attacker) by force.

  "rioters tried to storm the Ministry but were repulsed by police"

  synonyms: repel, drive back, drive away, fight back, fight off, put to flight, force back, beat off, beat back, push back, thrust back; More

• cause to feel intense distaste and aversion.

  "audiences were repulsed by the film's brutality"

  synonyms:

  revolt, disgust, repel, sicken, nauseate, make someone feel sick, turn someone's stomach, be repulsive to, be extremely distasteful to, make shudder, be repugnant to, make someone's flesh creep, make someone's skin crawl, make someone's gorge rise, offend, horrify;

And there would be actual sex-repulsed individuals here who, having been extremely offended by some of the sexual content in some of the comments I make on AVEN, would probably be quite offended by you putting me in the same category as them. (there is nothing wrong with them being sex-repulsed of course, it's just that I am not sex-repulsed.)

There have been rather a few threads started by sex-repulsed people lately regarding how offended they are by a lot of the sexual content on AVEN and I am often an overly graphic contributor in sex-positive threads.

Just, try not to put words in people's mouths.. especially not my mouth. It is very much not appreciated.

EDIT: and all that aside, applying labels to other people is seriously not cool. It's up to every individual to label themselves if they so wish, and how they so wish. No one appreciates having a label applied to them by someone who does not know them or for whatever reason feels they are incorrect with the labels they have chosen to apply to themselves: It's very offensive.

lol. you're getting WAY to into it.

should relax more.

[Guest]

lol. you're getting WAY to into it.

should relax more.

I naturally get offended when people directly contradict me by telling me I'm something I'm not right after I have clearly expressed exactly what I am. Honestly it's not hard to keep your opinions about other people's identities to yourself if they clearly are not asking for your help identifying themselves. What makes you such an expert on my identity?

And yes, I am 'way into it'. This is my sexual identity and I take it very seriously.

[Elderberry]

I am fine participating in sexual activities with my husband as long as my genitals aren't involved. It was extremely frustrating for me when we were first married, because I didn't know what I was doing and it was difficult to finish him off. Now that I know how to do it, I can kind of zone out until it's over. Sometimes it's nice because it makes him so happy afterwards (and happy cuddles are the best cuddles). I'd be perfectly happy to never do it again, though.

[WünderBâhr]

Just a friendly modly reminder that we aren't here to put anyone into boxes. While many of the definitions of the labels used in AVEN are debated, this particular discussion is not exactly the place for it. How others choose to (or how not to) identify is up to them, so let us leave it at that. :) Thanks!

Byanyothername

Asexual Q&A Mod

[Annex]

There seems to be a lot of ways to be asexual. For me I just have a very low libido and sexual interest

I've had quite a bit of sex (especially in high-school) but I never really wanted to. I was always told that teenage sex, without a condom and with someone you deeply love was the greatest pleasure a guy could experience

It wasn't, and honestly it ruined the relationship, has scared me from creating future relationships and worries me about my likely-lonely future

[Jubal]

I've only very recently begun to identify as asexual, and that's mostly because I've been fairly personally indifferent to sex my whole life. I never had sex for a while because I simply didn't care to put the effort in to find that kind of romantic partner. When I was dating someone who was interested, I tried it out because she asked and... eh. I could have wrote this myself-

What this has meant in practice is that, in almost all cases, there's been enthusiastic, happy sex at the beginning of relationships, but then it has dwindled down to nothing after a few months, after the "getting to know you" phase is over. This has never made much sense to anyone involved (including me, until a few weeks ago when I came here). And, indeed, it's had the negative effect of starting some bad emotional cycles in my partners, either of the "is he no longer attracted to me?"/"I want to feel wanted" type, or just sort of growing indifference over time.

On my end, it tends to feel fun and exciting and satisfying for a while, and then seem more and more like a chore, I guess. My general feeling seems to be, isn't it just as satisfying to spend a quiet night on the couch, reading, watching TV, whatever? Or make a meal together, go on a hike together? My partners have said no, in one way or another, but I've never had the tools to discuss it intelligently/non-defensively, until now.

The act of sex was something I did for her, and for me it was on about the same level as playing racquetball- fun, but there are other fun things to do too. Not a qualitatively different experience, and gave about as much thought to sex as racquetball (very little before and after).

[soMeRandoM670]

Well I only had sex twice and effort required for it is quite a lot, I felt if I was going to have sex at least
instead having half adequate sex multiple times. Why just do job right once?
well my attitude, she enjoyed herself a lot. I didn't find much enjoyment with it at all.

Even knowing she enjoyed herself but it's like hardly enjoyable.

I never dated because sex would eventually be involved. Now that I am older and accepted who I am, it's not that much of effort put out but defiantly not something take lightly it extremely boring a lot effort and, well never know why they like it.

[ithaca]

I've only had sex with one person (many times), and she's always been wonderful. I would definitely not consider it a trauma haha.