FaeryWillow Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Okay, so I am happiest 'safe and alone' as an adult, I like my own company. Being around others is fine and I have some good friends - but just a few good ones - I don't seek out people per se for social contact like others do - I think I am a loner in terms of others sometimes 'drain ' me and with a busy professional job I need time alone to recoup/reflect etc Brother attempted and part abused when I was 10 - but I stopped anything 'bad' happening compared to other stories from survivors I've heard and he only attempted it once again when older - when I told him to go and take a running jump! So compared to others it wasn't PTSD from abuse but more a disppointment of family taking sides etc when I eventually told on him and told the truth. I guess I experienced betrayal first and then again when family closed ranks to make me look like 'the crazy one' - I could either keep my mouth shut and obviously had to when younger for survival or speak up but experience blame from family In the end I chose myself and keeping true to myself and so have disowned sister now as well as brother than was never a brother in any sense of that word. Anyway....! Have done a lot of healing and am incredibly grounded/independent/strong now - fending for myself has made me a touch cookie. However, I know living alone and being blissfully happy is frown upon by society! I am/have been attracted to men in the past - but going through a phase of lots of ugly (sorry) men turning up that I don't fancy but who like me - or a 'nice enough' guy and shouldn't I just 'settle' because other girls better looking than me do etc Am quite a spiritual person who would be happy enough just having the beauty of nature/time to be myself/space and beautiful places rather than 'needing' anyone? Sex (masturbation) at the moment is just a request from my body (usually just at menstrual times) for relief/release and not really frequent. I kinda saw myself as someone who would meet someone who would care about me earlier on - who would like me for 'me' and share life with - this hasn't happened - neither has children. I don't really look at men and think ' cooorr' - even if intellectually I can appreciate they have a good body etc - what I do appreciate is someone's wisdom, gentleness, beauty strength, spirit etc - I have to have a spiritual or intellectual connection with someone first Have gone off at tangent - but I wanted to know if any other asexual members were also survivors or are there a distinct differences? And please don't suggest victimidation - am not a victim - I appreciate my own sexuality - I just prefer to stay true to myself and not 'have a boyfriend' to stop the neighbours tongues or society's tongue for that matter wagging? IDK? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Garin Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 They're not mutually exclusive nor inclusive. You can be an abuse survivor and not asexual, an abuse survivor and asexual, asexual and an abuse survivor, or asexual and not an abuse survivor. One thing I tend to point out is that abuse related symptomology is often treatable whilst sexual orientation is not (at least not directly). Perhaps one may be identifying as asexual as a result (for example) of sexual repulsion which may or may not be the result of some sort of survived abuse. Upon treatment such individuals may or may not come to the conclusion that they no longer identify as asexual. It need not be the case but it is certainly plausible. As someone who was also subjected to certain horrors as a child I also want to point out the importance of seeking council and/or aid, that is often crucial in helping one move from victim-hood to survivor to thriver and beyond along with all of the self-knowledge and confidence that comes packaged with that. When I was younger I was resistant to the idea of seeking such help myself, and once I did desire it I had difficulty finding the right person to give me aid, but in hindsight life would have been greatly improved had I started the whole process younger.In my case my orientation remain unchanged but I do know some who found themselves shifting from sex-repulsed to sex-positive (even if not particularly feeling sexual attraction) as a result of similar personal journeys. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 *some of my story * I understand what it is to be a misfit in a world of so called normal people. Abuse at a young age I also understand that. I remember one of my earliest memory happens to be of someone touching my private parts. I was and am so scared of that event. My parents held me. As the doctor touched me. I still feel the pain deep inside of me. About incest, I know how that goes. I also know about that, my cousin was a highly sexual person with male or females. I remember going to the hospital a few years ago... And the doctor told me maybe you should go and talk to someone ... I was like why? He saw something I did not see? What did he notice? The self harm? Or was it something else. Seek help? Really? I found my self pushing people away. They never understood why. Seeking help seems out of the question for me. It has been many many many years since those unwanted events. Even if those memories are fresh sharing it with a doctor is not the best option for me at least. I do not see it as something that is going to happen in my life. My sexuality never really became something different after the events. As an adult I noticed all the small things that I seek out. And why I seek them out. What would a doctor be able to say that I've not heard yet? Will he/she be able to understand NO!!! HELL NO. SO why even talk to one... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 I experienced abuse as a child (but it was non-sexual; mostly verbal, and some physical in the form of being hit almost daily by my older brother). No one ever tried to stop it, so I had to learn how to deal with it on my own terms, in my own way. Congratulations to you for weathering it and being true to you! Also, welcome, and I agree with what Garin said, abuse and a/sexuality are not mutually exclusive or inclusive. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolate_Cake Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 It's funny, I was thinking of making a thread like this, then here it is! I experienced sexual abuse as a child, but I don't believe it influenced my sexual orientation. I've definitely had people (therapists, etc) try to blame my lack of sexual desire on my childhood trauma, but I just don't believe that's true. And it's a little bit insulting, because it completely invalidates the way I think and feel about my own sexuality. I understand the logic behind this way of thinking, but that doesn't make it any less irritating. Sorry for the mini rant, it's just something that's been on my mind a lot. (On a totally unrelated note, daveb "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!" Loved the Red Dwarf quote, totally made my night!) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
diconstruction Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 I'm so glad this thread exists!I am an abuse survivor too. For the longest time I thought that my asexuality was a response to this trauma (curse my psychology minor!). I was so confused because I talked a lot about it and saw a counsilor and I felt like I'd accepted and healed and all that. In fact I felt perfectly calm (though a bit sad and dissappointed in the world) when I thought of my trauma, but absolutely panicky when I thought of the consenual sexual encounters I'd had with loving kind hearted boyfriends. I absolutely think that my trauma has affected my sexuality in one way or another, but it didn't "cause" my asexuality and to say so would be a tremendous oversimplification of how sexuality works. And while I do agree that people should not assume that anyone who is asexual is a trauma victim, don't forget that some are. Also, I learned the hard way that years of trying to get yourself to regain the sexual trust of men when in fact it's not trust you need, just sex that you don't need, is not helpful. Oops. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FaeryWillow Posted November 29, 2014 Author Share Posted November 29, 2014 It's funny, I was thinking of making a thread like this, then here it is! I experienced sexual abuse as a child, but I don't believe it influenced my sexual orientation. I've definitely had people (therapists, etc) try to blame my lack of sexual desire on my childhood trauma, but I just don't believe that's true. And it's a little bit insulting, because it completely invalidates the way I think and feel about my own sexuality. I completely agree and please know that I by no means think that surviving abuse 'creates' or effects asexuality or anything like that. I think people who offer advice and help, genuinely want to help but often fall into the human aspect of 'oh it must be this and that's easy to 'label' and put into a box marked as 'defined/label/sorted'! I was asking really for myself. A person's sexual orientation is as individual as the person. It may or may not be affected by past events etc - for myself I think I've probably always been like that and maybe the abuse was confirmation of the extreme contrast of the world that I didn't want. You know what you don't want so then you have a springboard to created greater peace or independence/happiness because of that? Was I in 'avoidance' when apparently living blissfully happily on my todd when society 'expected' me to have a partner/kids etc, or was I just a happy, independent person who isn't as bothered about sex as the rest of the world seems to be? I do know that I don't like watching anything that affects me in the sense of a 'darker vibe' - I find violence/sex/power repulsion for instance I don't understand why some people look at porn as I find that unnerving - the sense that someone could put sex and/or power above anything else so that it blurs their judgement in acting from their heart I find 'bleurgh'? Also control - or rather not feeling or perceiving the control of another even in a loving relationship I would rather be alone and free - never really being 'lonely' as some would because - already feeling 'individuated' I think I just have a strong sense or belief of "I am better off alone" " I am safer alone" which has perpetuated and seeing the greater awareness and profile of asexuality I was questioning what my own truths were? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lenika Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 An abuse survivor I know described it to me this way... "I am not asexual by choice, I need sexual intimacy but I can not have it, I just can't make myself do it with someone, even when I want to. I just have hang ups from the abuse." So for her, she has those feelings but can't act upon them without negative feelings interfering. I, as an asexual just don't have the feelings to begin with. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ficulnean Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Well, I have nothing to add excpet that I'm glad you feel safe enough on these forums to share your past experiences with us. Nobody should be discredited as asexual because they were abused. Suprisingly, being asexual doesn't make us immune to abuse, so of course it will have happened to some of us. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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