hello gray world

[Mia Story]

i scanned the topics and will read them but i thought i would say hello and i little about my present state in the gray

swirling pool of mystery. i'm trans m2f and have been off and on HRT for the past year. recently this happened.

" i've been off hrt for awhile now and i'm just me... and wow. i've been struggling with hormonal sex drive for years and years and i think i mentioned that spironolactone pretty much destroyed it... and it would come back when i stopped taking it. but all of a sudden its all gone! yay! i guess there are still sexual feelings there? but embarrasing behavior has vanished. i feel so clean. i've been trying to do this since i can remember. just coast easily and not have to be twisted this way and that. its only been about a week but just one week free is amazing. "

i guess i'm fortunate? being a well adjusted, very healthy and attractive person later in life. it has taken me 50 years to come to terms with

my asexual behavior. i actually got sucked into the sexual binary out of a sense of duty and continued through three marriages and two children. yeesh! all that is gone and i have a few really good friends who i thoroughly enjoy. i hope to make more with the real me.

sexual feelings are sort of a plague to me. at first i thought something was wrong with me. i remember my first sexual attraction to a girl. i worshipped her basically. but i never made contact. i knew her personally for years and she knew, of course, i had a crush on her. she even came on to me, but i totally resisted because something told me it wasn't real. that set off a series of relationships and amorous encounters. by my second marriage i had figured out that real sex was boring to me. but i knew before high school i was drawn to asexual behavior. it was a science thing with algae.

anyway i have struggled through bdsm, feminizing myself, contemplating marriage to a man.. men.... and even returning to a male mind since i figured out my transgender status. i even considered being a prostitute as i pursued the sexual shades of my soul. but some how i always fended these urges off and safely exited. fantasy helped quite a bit and understanding why i got into bdsm really floored me. but it wasn't until i saw deep into my past and finally saw the loving relationship between me and my sister before we were both 5 that was destroyed by society wanting a sexual binary of everyone, that broke water in my mind. yikes! i have known this reality was there for years now and have just not been able to touch it until now. such a relief. classic freud i know... but it worked.

ok so i have spent a week free of sexual desire and even wanting to be dominated. at all... i have had short instances of this feeling before, but there was always edging. or i could talk myself into a sexual situation. or i had that vague need. but i look hesitantly into my soul and ... its just not there! maybe its some sort of chemical or hormonal thing? but i'm not on any drugs or enhancers. just typical vitamins and healthy food. it feels so solid. i hope it lasts for awhile. i really really hope that this is all natural healthy mental feeling. that means i won't have to fight risky behavioral tendencies and can just enjoy life. that would be so nice.

[FemmeFatalista]

Hi! Wow--you've had a lot going on! Sorry, I don't have any advice or anything. I'm totally new to all this. I just wanted to say hello and wish you the best.