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Rant about roommate.


Xareph

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I have been living with the same room mate for about a year and half now. Prior to us moving into together I knew her from working together on event planning.

When we decided to move in with each other I made it very obvious that I wasn't interested in a sexual or romantic relationship. with her or anyone else for that matter. The very idea of it flabbergasted her but for the first 6 months or so she was very respectful about it and even spent time trying to better understand how a person who hasn't had any sort of sexual trauma or medical condition couldn't have any desire for sex.

So to give you all a better understanding I am an aromantic asexual so romance and sex aren't on my mind. Being that they aren't on my mind I also don't have answer for questions and comments like, "If you aren't here for sex then why do you stay? Why won't you just sleep with me? You say things like "sexy" but aren't interested in sex...you are sending mixed messages."

The fact that despite our conversations on this stuff that she still feels the need to ask questions like this really upsets me. I don't like being put on the spot, I really don't having to substantiate my existence or friendship, and I really don't like having to repeat myself.

Now, it isn't isn't like I am saying "I hate sex" and then running around trying seduce or engage in sex. Long story short I am an A-hole because she has need and won't fulfill them even though we aren't in a relationship.

There is a lot that I am leaving out of this rant. Like her divorce that I helped her through and helped finance, car rentals so she could pick up her kids, pet costs, vet bills, etc.all of which she seems to have conveniently forgotten.

It is because of stuff like this that I find it extremely hard to be motivated about seeking a relationship let alone a romantic one.

I know I am not the only one who has issues like this. I just really needed to rant.

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I honestly wanna just say "Raugh." and that be it. But since I am slightly confused about this post. Just pretend that these words are the most sincere words you will ever here from a person. How long has this been going on?

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Honestly that sounds like a nightmare. From what you've said I'd say you have every right to be frustrated and upset with her. You were honest from the start and she even seemed to try to understand at first. That it's suddenly an issue is a change on her part not a change on yours so what right does she have to ask you those kinds of questions or have those kinds of expectations?

I hope things get better for you. I don't know what kind of financial situation you're in, but it sounds to me like it might be time to try to find a new roommate. It's one thing to have to deal with that from a friend or anyone in your life really, but to have to deal with it at home? When do you ever get to just relax? :(

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There is a lot that I am leaving out of this rant. Like her divorce that I helped her through and helped finance, car rentals so she could pick up her kids, pet costs, vet bills, etc.all of which she seems to have conveniently forgotten.

It is because of stuff like this that I find it extremely hard to be motivated about seeking a relationship let alone a romantic one.

I know I am not the only one who has issues like this. I just really needed to rant.

There is an old saying from TV when I was a kid; Danger Will Robinson! My understanding of relationships is that they benefit both people through caring and mutual support. Yes sometimes you get the "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" scenario but as you note this is not the case. Frankly you appear to be nothing more than a walking ATM to this woman who is also exasperated that you will not satisfy her sexual needs. I am thinking there is more to this story because, unless you are wholy altruistic, I cannot figure out what benefit there is to you to appear to support this person and receive nothing in return other than some occasional conversation. Are you at least splitting the rent?
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It sounds much worse than it really is. The issues we have are far and few between. As far as being a walking ATM, there are situations that I haven't elaborated on but I am not the kind of person to dish out money. In most cases she paid me back within a couple days. We split the cost of rent and utilities.

To be honest she is the first person in a very long time I have felt comfortable enough to actually open up to. We have a lot in common in general. It is just the one off days where she seems to forgot I don't think in terms of romance or sex where my patience is tested.

As far as being more to the story:

A couple years back I lost my job and couldn't keep up with all my bills with unemployment. I was looking at being homeless as a result. She let me stay at her place until I could get back on my feet. So when she got divorced later on and she was facing the same situation I felt a bit obligated to help her and her kids. It was shortly there after that we became roommates.

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At the end of the day what it comes down do is that she feels like because I am invested in her and her kids lives that I must really be wanting more. Which always come back to romance and sex. Ultimately I just needed to vent.

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From her point of view, you have a very close friendship with a level of trust and compassion that few relationships in this screen and app filled age reach. She's attracted to you, obviously, and she either feels or has been convinced by outside forces that the nice things you do for her, the terminology you use, and the interest you take in her HAS to mean attraction. It may be that other friends of hers are unknowingly compounding the problem...I have that situation, but my friend is much more understanding of asexuality. His friends and family however, keep telling him 'if she keeps taking time to come visit you in another city, and she doesn't mind you staying overnight in her house with no one else around to chaperone, and she talks to you like every night, and you can ask her for relationship and life advice, she totally wants to jump your bones!' That might be the case with her...where you tell her 'no, that's not the case', and then well meaning but uninformed friends say 'he's playing hard to get! He's shy! You just need to keep at him!'. Or 'women's magazines' are giving her that idea. Or she's convinced herself of it on her own. Whatever the case, its probably not a case of 'I am unsatisfied with the amount of use I get out of this male, I require more functions'. Its probably more like 'This guy is sweet, and has stuck by me, and we've both rescued each other, from hard life situations, and and we're totally equal, and he likes my kids, and we're living together...we're in a relationship already'. If you are very good friends, perhaps direct her to the 'friends and family' section of this site, and see if other 'would like to be in a relationship but content with good friends' people can help her reconcile her issue. EDIT: Or even go there yourself and ask said friends how their asexual friends got it across to them.

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