Silphy Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 I don't know if this has been asked before. Not very good at finding things on forums. Does your asexual partner let you go elsewhere to deal with your sexual urges? Is this against your relationship paradigm? Does this work or not work? Feel free to refer me to a thread if there is one. Or any other useful comments. Cheers. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Some asexuals are okay with this. It is known as an open relationship. It really depends on the person whether or not this works out. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 That option seems to work best if both partners wanted it in the first place. As a 'fix' to a troubled relationship it can sometimes create different/new problems for one or both partners. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 I don't "let R. shop elsewhere", no... ... however, I respect her as a free, independent human being, and that includes accepting and encouraging her freedom to get all her needs met, including those I can't meet, and to live all parts of who she is, which includes to love whomever she chooses to love, and to make love to whomever she chooses to make love to. (So, yeah, sorry, I just didn't like the title's wording. :P) And I have to echo what already was said - it can work just fine (as it does for over six years with R. and me), but it's not for everyone. As discussed in another thread recently, I consider mono/closed vs. poly/open a difference in orientation (it's just a relationship orientation, not a sexual orientation), and I think a lot of people are simply hardwired for one or the other, much as people can be hardwired to love men or women. R. and I both fall on the open/poly side, so for us, it was a clear and easy "policy" to agree on from day one. If it's tried as a band-aid for a relationship between two folks who would really prefer a mono/closed relationship and just can't get this to work between them... then no, I wouldn't recommend trying it, and would be very skeptical that it could work out without grief/conflict/resentment. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Agreed with Lady Girl and Mysticus that if it wasn't already something both partners were inclined toward, it isn't going to work well as a fix. It takes a lot of trust to be able to handle your partner being intimate in any way with someone else. There's an issue of physical fidelity and what that means (health/STD and emotionally) but the bigger concern tends to be emotional fidelity. Personally, I have no interest in an emotionless, NSA relationship... so for me, it wouldn't be helpful to have a "fuck a stranger" free pass. Navigating emotional connections with other people is trickier. I think it's deceptively easy to assume sexual connections won't lead to emotional ones, and if a couple wants to successfully open up their relationship, they should be realistic about the likelihood that someone will eventually get emotionally entangled. My partner and I sometimes talk about a crush we have, but not always and not often. I remember a couple years ago my partner had a thing with some horse girl (owner rider shower of horses) in... maybe iceland? I don't really know. There was only a single night that I got genuinely jealous, and I remember dying to know what they talked about every day, all day long. Then I realized... horses, probably, which I don't give a fuck about. I'm thrilled that she has an outlet for that, honestly. So, it can be done, and I'm not positive you can stop it from happening regardless, which makes me think it's better to be pragmatic about the whole thing than pretend no one is ever going to "stray" (sorry, too stoned to think of a good word) in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 If I ever found my self in a relationship. We both would have the freedom to meet our emotional /sensual or what ever else needs in other people if we so please. As for sleeping I have grow into the idea that if space is needed that is not a problem. I would have a household with two beds. So that either of us can take a break from each other if needed be. Link to post Share on other sites
gablesgirl22 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 We have a hard line that says I won't do anything with anyone in person. However, we have a larger plan that addresses all the aspects of my sexuality that can be addressed in a piecemeal kind-of way, and one of the areas we address is what we call "arm wrestling". For us that means: - Arm wrestling buddy- this one is something that is definitely edgy, but that we are experimenting with. If you were really into arm wrestling, and you took your opponent to the table every single time instantly with no competition at all, it would be really unsatisfying. One of the things that I crave in my sexuality is that push back. Feeling the other person meet you and give as much as they get so to speak. Someone who it will take skill and all your strength to "beat". The give and take, back and forth part where both people instinctually know what to do next. So that is an area that is naturally tough for us. Tough for me to have satisfied and hard for him to simulate on a regular basis. So we came up with this idea to address that. We have agreed that finding an online arm-wrestling buddy is an acceptable outlet. Something that is purely chat based, no real names, no in-person contact. Just the outlet of a shared interest in the surface level enjoyment of being desired, not focused on a deeper connection or anything at all meaningful beyond pure sexual attraction and sexual outlet. We set-up parameters that made us both feel comfortable: Complete honesty. Nothing hidden, shameful or secret. My husband can read or ask about anything he wants to at any time, can access convos on his own, and will never be out of the loop if he wants to know anything, though generally he will probably choose out-of-the-loopness. Our hard line is nothing in person, and no actual physical contact. We also have other guidelines like not talking to other people when we are hanging out and if it starts making things in our relationship weird, we reassess and make changes accordingly. It honestly feels so good to have some kind of option that lets me have that back and forth, but with the safety of anonymity, and the complete openness that removes shame, guilt, deception and the violation of trust. Even if we have to adjust these initial guidelines or throw it out altogether, it's still really cool to have this option to explore. Link to post Share on other sites
Martin de V Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 It would never work for Jo and I. It's just not something that we'd consider for more than a moment or two before deciding, "No, I don't want this for our marriage." Link to post Share on other sites
Studebaker Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 My partner originally was fine with me having sex with other men. The rule was condoms only, but i have to be home at night for bedtime snuggles. He got insecure that i would leave him for someone who wanted sex, ive NO intention of that, i love him. It caused so much fighting with him, that i just said screw it and gave up sex alltogether. Id rather live a sexless and frustrating life than to not have him in it. Hes the guy i want to marry, even if he wont marry me yet, as hes sure i will leave him at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
MadameCholet Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 I've been seeing this guy for the last 5-6 months & in the last month things started cooling off physically between us. I got really confused & a little bit angry about it because we were quite hot & heavy in the beginning, but all of a sudden the brakes were put on! After much discussion, he came out to me as an asexual & because we have a strong emotional bond like I haven't felt in a long time, I started researching asexuality & that's how I ended up joining AVEN. He's said that he doesn't want a relationship, but has asked that I don't seek out anyone else to get affection from because the thought of me being with someone else actually turns his stomach; however, he says he understands the primal urge to be close with someone & if he doesn't want to do that with me, then I'm allowed to seek it elsewhere. As we are still new to this type of open relationship, I haven't had to seek affection from someone else yet but I have been honest with him & said that I may because I miss being able to kiss him. Link to post Share on other sites
pipsuxx Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 i feel like if my girlfriend did feel the need to 'shop around' it would hurt to begin with but i could probably get used to it? i don't know. i feel like a lot of allosexual people seem to very closely align their sexual and romantic orientations so i would struggle to believe that she didn't have romantic feelings for anyone else she slept with. Link to post Share on other sites
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