Jump to content

Confused and worried: I'm losing my connection to others


Spiffy Fox

Recommended Posts

I wonder, do any other asexuals here have trouble communicating with people in general? I just got in a big fight with a close friend... and I really get the feeling that what I try to say, is rarely what the other person hears when I talk to others...

I wonder too if asexuality might just be the tip of the iceberg, so to speak, of my disconnect.

Forget different wavelengths, it's like I'm speaking in hieroglyphics sometimes.

I'm a romantic asexual, and it's honestly one of the most inconvenient combinations I can possibly imange. I want to be happy being alone, especially with the odds of meeting someone not only able to understand me (which is apperently quite difficult), but who is also okay with no sex, at all, for the rest of forever.

I really feel like I'd have a better chance at winning the lottery.

But I can't forget the feeling I had when I thought I had found a life partner.

Like everything was going to be okay, because at least I would face it all with someone that loved me just the way I am.

Wouldn't it be healthier to feel that peace of mind on my own though?

Isn't it dangerous and wrong to rely on someone else for your happiness?

Whenever I try to enjoy something alone, it's really hard to live in the moment. It's like I'm distracted, or not all there. But when someone is there with me, the closer I am to them, the more I can experiance the moment with them. Like a movie, things that were not funny alone, take on a whole new angle with a friend's laughter. Everything just seems better when it's shared with someone close.

I really want to be happy alone. But there's just no real draw to it for me.

The only time I have ever felt truely happy, was when I thought I had found my 'other half', (or maybe in Disney World, but I'm pretty sure the Robinson Family Treehouse isn't renting rooms.)

Surely there's something I'm missing?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think asexuality has anything to do with one's abilities to communicate. It's a sexual orientation and doesn't define everything about someone.

I don't think it's wise to depend on anyone for one's happiness, however, I think it's okay to desire a romantic partner and to enjoy spending time with others. Our happiness is our responsibility, however, relationships (romantic or otherwise) certainly can and do add to one's happiness.

Link to post
Share on other sites

As human beings, we need social contact. It's in our genes, even in the most introverted of us (only a psychopath would probably think differently). We need companionship, we need support, and most of all, we need love. It would be insane to look forward to a loveless life. Whether we like it or not, we're made to depend on some other human beings, who also depend on us in return. If the relationship is balanced, committed and consented, it isn't unhealthy.

I know that this opinion is considered as controversial, but it's the way I see things.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello!

I don't communicate well at all. There are some times when I feel like I've got the hang of it, only to realize I was on a completely different page. Frustrating.

While it is great to learn how to be alone and accept it, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be alone. Look at it this way, you're not relying on someone else to make you happy. You're relying on yourself to be happy with not only someone else, but with yourself. Let's face it, people generally don't want someone who is going to cling on to them while being a happiness-parasite. People, especially romantic partners, would generally prefer someone who can be alone and independent.

From what you wrote, it sounds like you're okay with being alone. You're just longing for a romantic relationship. :) And that's perfectly fine. There is nothing wrong with desiring a forever connection to someone. It could be just that, that you're missing. You would really like a relationship. Your heart is longing for a need that isn't met.

As for the lotterly comment, keep playing and don't give up ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites

People win the lottery all the time you know :) and the two types of people who do are the lucky ones who accidentally stumble upon their winning ticket, or the ones who buy a ticket every week with the hope of someday winning.

I know this analogy sounds stupid, but I think that's how love works! Either you trip over love through chance, or you keep working at finding it yourself.

Anyway, I know that there are others like you out there, because I'm the same! Romantic asexual who has crippling social anxiety and has never even been complimented sincerely before; so yeah, it'll be difficult for me to find a romantic partner too... but hey, maybe I'll get lucky someday ^^ I'm sure you'll get lucky too! ^^/

There are so many people on earth that there's always someone out there like you; you've just gotta find them X) excuse the cheesiness it's 5am and I'm tired eheheh

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'd rather be in band.

I've never really had strong connections with anyone besides my zucchini and my crush of 6 years. I long to be able to make these connections at times, but I fail because I'm simply too eccentric. I don't think it's about asexuality, however your asexuality may help; it makes you seem all the more peculiar, even if there's nothing wrong with asexuality.

Also, with love, I'm not sure how to assist you. I'm not really interested in love itself, - although I have had a crush on one person, and it's lasted almost six years now - rather the thought of it. I like fantasizing about people meeting each other and clicking together so perfectly. I don't really want that myself, however I probably wouldn't mind if it would happen if it were with the right person. Perhaps you should try to adopt the mindset that it's not vital to your survival? I don't know. It's easier said than done, I suppose.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all for the replies! It helps to get some perspective on this kinda thing.

I appreciate the various thoughts and ways to approach this particular subject.

Failing to find love is just a bump in the road, I suppose.

Not like it's anything I haven't experianced time and again, so I've not really got anything to lose by trying, right?

I often wonder if it's a romantic relationship I'm looking for, or something else.

I think I'll start a new topic on this thought...

Thank you to everyone again for the input. Every little bit helps!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sure it's not asexuality that's keeping you from communicating clearly. Asexuality is just one of many facets of your life. For a moment forget you're asexual if it makes you feel that it's hindering to communicate properly. Research/read a lot about how to communicate (or anything else that you feel like doing but have not been able to). Then you'll be ok after full preparation and later realize that you were blaming your asexuality for no reason.

It's not that our partners make us happy as it is made to believe. Relationships are really hard to maintain. One needs to work out in a relationship and offer sacrifices... at times being single feels much better in the hindsight.

Link to post
Share on other sites
thisforumisstupid

I wonder, do any other asexuals here have trouble communicating with people in general? I just got in a big fight with a close friend... and I really get the feeling that what I try to say, is rarely what the other person hears when I talk to others...

I wonder too if asexuality might just be the tip of the iceberg, so to speak, of my disconnect.

Forget different wavelengths, it's like I'm speaking in hieroglyphics sometimes.

I'm a romantic asexual, and it's honestly one of the most inconvenient combinations I can possibly imange. I want to be happy being alone, especially with the odds of meeting someone not only able to understand me (which is apperently quite difficult), but who is also okay with no sex, at all, for the rest of forever.

I really feel like I'd have a better chance at winning the lottery.

But I can't forget the feeling I had when I thought I had found a life partner.

Like everything was going to be okay, because at least I would face it all with someone that loved me just the way I am.

Wouldn't it be healthier to feel that peace of mind on my own though?

Isn't it dangerous and wrong to rely on someone else for your happiness?

Whenever I try to enjoy something alone, it's really hard to live in the moment. It's like I'm distracted, or not all there. But when someone is there with me, the closer I am to them, the more I can experiance the moment with them. Like a movie, things that were not funny alone, take on a whole new angle with a friend's laughter. Everything just seems better when it's shared with someone close.

I really want to be happy alone. But there's just no real draw to it for me.

The only time I have ever felt truely happy, was when I thought I had found my 'other half', (or maybe in Disney World, but I'm pretty sure the Robinson Family Treehouse isn't renting rooms.)

Surely there's something I'm missing?

Sounds as though you are experiencing a real conflict - torn being wanting to be alone and wanting to be with someone worthy of the partnership. I know that feeling well, but I can tell you that yes, it is dangerous to rely on someone else for your happiness. It's very healthy to be able to be alone. I've known people who needed the crowd, they had to be with people all the time, and they were very unhappy people. The happiest I've known are those who are outgoing, but are confident and secure enough to be alone and relish their solitude.

My two cents worth on this is that being asexual, particularly in today's society where everything is inundated with blatant or subtle sexual references, can make one feel disconnected from the only society we as humans know . . . thus, that disconnect can be somewhat intertwined with communication. I also wonder if highly sexual people can sense, on some level, in everyday communication and interaction, when someone is asexual because we tend not to respond to them as others do. ?

You mention about people not hearing what you try to say . . . I've found, through many experiences, that people seldom hear what you really say - they hear what THEY want to hear.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...