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Coming Out to Boyfriend of Three Years


KillyMays

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Hi all

I have recently realized what I've been feeling all my life is asexuality and normal (hoorah!). I'm thinking I am more along the line of hetero romantic asexual. I'm 25 and have never really been interested in sex. I always thought "I'll enjoy it one day" or "maybe it just doesn't live up to the hype".

I have a boyfriend and we are very much in love. We have talked a lot about getting married and are moving back to his home state in May. He says he loves me and nothing would ever change that, but I feel like my asexuality may. We have relations about once a week because we are so busy. Earlier in our relationship he would tell me it kind of hurt his feelings because I never initiated sexy time. I didn't know what to say because I was unaware asexuality was even a thing back then. I just told him I would try more.

Because we are moving, I feel like I need to come clean about my recent discovery about myself and almost give him an opportunity to leave if that's what he wants. It would destroy me if we split up, but I guess if he has needs that I can't meet I have to accept that.

He's a very warm and accepting person and self-proclaimed feminist. He's eight years older than me but has been very accepting of me finding myself and becoming my own person through my 20s. I'm just not sure if this will be too much for him. I don't want to hurt his feelings or upset him.

Anyway, I don't know why I'm posting this. It's been on my mind a whole lot and having the deadline of our moving date makes it harder. </monolog>

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It's better to know whether or not he accepts you now vs. later (i.e. after marriage). I wish you the best!

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I have to agree with Pink on this one. I myself am ace and married, and I can tell you that if i had known about asexuality before the marriage it would have caused less issues. Long story short is the fact that i hid it/didnt know about it till recently took a massive toll on the relationship to the point where it nearly cost me my marriage when i finally admitted/found out about asexuality. It might break things but its better to know now than find out later and it being much more complicated to solve things.

Best of luck.

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Too Old for this Site

I wish I had known about asexuality prior to getting married. Ironically, it was actually my (very sexual) husband who figured out that I am asexual, and yes, it ultimately broke the marriage. We're still friends, but he went on to find someone that could make him happy. I'm happier now than I've ever been.

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It's better to know whether or not he accepts you now vs. later (i.e. after marriage). I wish you the best!

^This.

Be sure that everything is fully out and set on the table clearly before you go into marriage!

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I am going through something similar. I am twenty years old and living with my partner. I have known my entire life that I was not interested in sex. I thought that I just needed to find the right person or have a great sexual experience. I have known for about a year now that I am asexual, but I hid it from my partner because I was afraid of losing him. My friends always tell me that sex is very important in a relationship, so I forced myself to do it. But, every time we had sex, I felt extremely uncomfortable. He noticed from the beginning that I was never really into it and he assumed that it was his fault. At times, he became insecure. So, I finally came clean and told him everything. He was upset with me at first and I do not blame him. He didn't know why I had been lying to him the entire time. I told him my reasons and he seemed to understand. But, as the weeks have passed, he seems to be a little frustrated. He still often tries to feel me up or start something. I just don't know how to fully explain my thoughts and feelings without upsetting him further. I am afraid that the way I am will destroy our relationship. I would love to go the rest of my life without ever having sex again and I don't understand how some people almost "need" to have sex. It would really hurt me if he left me for someone who isn't asexual, but I just want him to be happy. I'm tired of feeling like I am an abnormal outcast who constantly has to explain to my loved ones what asexual means.

I think it's best to be honest in relationships with others. I think it's better to have someone accept you for who you actually are vs. someone you're pretending/trying to be. Of course, it's best to accept ourselves for who we are, too! I don't think "the way you are" as an "asexual" is destructive, however, dishonesty certainly is! As far as wanting him to be happy, don't you want to be happy, too? It's not all about him, it's also about your wants and needs that aren't getting met. It's also about whether or not you're happy. I wish you the best!

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I'm really grateful for this thread, because I've recently discovered that what I've been feeling my whole life is indeed asexuality, and I've been trying to figure out how exactly to go about explaining it to my boyfriend of almost a year. He often tries to initiate intimacy, but I don't really ever want a part of it. I partake really for the sole purpose of making him happy, if that makes sense? This thread has at least made me realize that my sexuality is not something I should just sweep under the rug and hope never causes conflict. Thanks!

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  • 3 weeks later...

*Update*

Hello all! Well I finally spoke with my boyfriend yesterday, and it couldn't have gone better! He was very understanding and told me how much he loves me. And he said it actually takes a lot of pressure off him. He always thought sex was only a small percentage of a relationship anyway. He is glad he doesn't have to worry about me being unsatisfied or feeling like he doesn't perform good enough, etc. I think we have reached a compromise that works for us both and meets both of our needs. I think coming out to him has brought is closer. I love him! Thanks all for the advice and support!

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Thanks for sharing, Killy, it's VERY encouraging! I'm in a similar plight with my boyfriend of three years, but he's always been very vocal about sex being extremely important to him (he'd like to have it daily or more) so not so sure that things will go so well for me... do you mind sharing how you brought it up? How you shared the news?

Thank you!!

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Well we were about to watch tv and fold laundry, and i said i needed to tell him something. I started off by making sure he knows I love him. And I was like "I've learned something about myself and have been thinking about it for a few months..." and then I realized it sounded like I was going to break up with him or say I'm a lesbian, so I just blurted out "I'm asexual!". And I explained exactly what that means (in my case hetero romantic asexual). And I started crying because I was scared of what he would say. But he comforted me and asked some questions. I told him I may not be sexually attracted to him, but I can appreciate him aesthetically. But I just made sure he knows I love HIM. I don't know if that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions. Best of luck to you endi!

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Well we were about to watch tv and fold laundry, and i said i needed to tell him something. I started off by making sure he knows I love him. And I was like "I've learned something about myself and have been thinking about it for a few months..." and then I realized it sounded like I was going to break up with him or say I'm a lesbian, so I just blurted out "I'm asexual!". And I explained exactly what that means (in my case hetero romantic asexual). And I started crying because I was scared of what he would say. But he comforted me and asked some questions. I told him I may not be sexually attracted to him, but I can appreciate him aesthetically. But I just made sure he knows I love HIM. I don't know if that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions. Best of luck to you endi!

Yes, speeches like this will always sound like something else until we have awareness. I'm glad that you just told him, and that it is working out.

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