I thought all girls were faking it and guys were sex obsessed.

[Newlife]

Thinking back I can remember the minute details of my first sexual encounter. There was so much build up to the moment, so much talk and anticipation. At the moment when couples bond and become intimately close, I remember thinking, "Is that it?" Thus began the drudgery of a bad 14 year marriage full of obligatory sex and resentment. I had never heard of the term asexual and wouldn't have believed it was a real thing anyway, being raised Mormon. We were all trained to become dutiful wives and produce as many offspring as humanly possible. That was Gods way. At first I thought all women were faking it and secretly hated sex. I was angry that God would make women be born as sex toys for men and that I had to carry such a burden throughout life. It just wasnt fair. When I was about 30, however, I had an open conversation with a girlfriend of mine that revealed she actually enjoyed sex!! That made no sense to me. I decided I must be broken...another punishment from God. That was such an isolating feeling. I tried to explain how I felt to my husband using the words at my disposal, but failed miserably and he walked away feeling rejected. We divorced when I was 35.

I have since left Mormon crazyville and discovered the truth of so many things. It has been a journey for 3 years that has led me down the path of discovering I am asexual, as well as biromantic. I cried when I read the descriptions here. People were saying EXACTLY what I had wanted to say years earlier, but lacked the vocabulary to do so. This has been such a gift for me and I feel like I am not alone. I also know it isn't my job to satisfy some man...and that not all women are faking it. What a relief!!!

I would love to hear other stories. It's so helpful for me as I stumble my way through this. Cheers.

[butterscotchwm]

Wow! I'm glad you've discovered who you are and where you feel happy :) I'm only 21, but I can still kinda relate to this..

I was basically taught by my mother while I was "coming of age" that boys have uncontrollable sex drives and have to do anything in their power to like... NOT assault women or something O______o. And girls are always the ones to "put out," or "put on the breaks" when things get too hairy. It just sounded so horrible to me, but I figured since I was a girl, and I had no sex drive, then it must be true. But then, over time, more and more of my girl friends in high school started to get interested in sex, or doing sexual things with guys. And I just... didn't. It never changed for me. Ever.

I had one boyfriend in high school. He was alright. I liked him a lot as a person, but then things started getting weird when he wanted to be more and more touchy-feely. The whole first kiss thing was so underwhelming, I just didn't get it. He started to realize that I wasn't really into the whole thing and eventually broke up with me.

So it was around the end of high school / beginning of college when I started thinking that there must be something wrong with me. I went to google, found out what asexuality was, and bada-bing-bada-boom! I felt so much better about myself haha!

Some of my friends and family had a hard time believing that I was asexual... But eventually they got their heads around it ^^

Anyways, welcome to AVEN!

[Sundance_]

Hey Newlife, glad to see you've found AVEN!

I also was raised Mormon, and they super definitely make sex a lot crazier and more stressful than it should be. It took me a long time to realize I was different in regards to sexual attraction, because none of the people around me were talking casually about sex. It really did seem like it wasn't on most people's radar. In high school I came across enough information on the internet to realize that people were in fact very sexual, but it didn't cause me a lot of concern at the time.

Being asexual in some ways contributed to my eventual departure from Mormonism, but for me it didn't feel like the main cause. For me it had a lot to do with not wanting the narrow future the Mormon church presented to me. I have a pretty aggressive, straightforward personality and I didn't want to get married at all. I also have a dopamine production deficiency that prevents me from being able to "feel the spirit," as it were, so I really had a hard time connecting to spiritual people. I experienced a lot of persecution from church leadership and members and family, not for any "sinning," but for being an assertive woman. Which sucked.

I didn't realize I was asexual until about two years later.

I wish you well on sorting out your life. Leaving Mormonism (which is, technically, a cult) is a complicated endeavor, so I hope you find any support you may need. Discovering your orientation on top of that seems like it would be quite the challenge. But hopefully you can live a more authentic life from here on out.

[Star Bit]

I felt like i was reading a good book and almost wanted you to continue/ turn the page.

You don't have to, I was just saying what i felt about your writing. It drew me in as i read it despite hearing similar stories before, and i think i felt you and not just your story.

[LadyPariah]

First of all, I live in Utah (got stuck here in the bad economy), and am appalled by what you describe! Now people can believe whatever religion makes them happy, as long as it does no harm. But what you described sounds pretty traumatizing. I am sorry you had to go through that part of your life without knowing. I notice in the mormon community, women are often treated as inferior or baby machines, it makes me sad that children are brought up this way, and enter adulthood not knowing the truth or being able to make their own decisions. Also living in Utah makes it hard for anyone to learn about asexuality or other sexualities. I actually found out by a post that aven put out on facebook through upworthy. I knew that I was different, but just called myself a "prude" because that was what people would also call me. I have a hard time living in this state because of what the mormon religion has taught my generation here. For a long time I felt broken and unlovable too, but there are people who are also open living here, and they have helped me and stood up for me.

I am glad that you have finally found your identity, and are able to understand that women can be sexual also. Just remember that you are not put on this earth just to please someone, and you are definitely worth more than that! You deserve happiness and clarity.

[Newlife]

Sundance, that's exactly what happened to me as well. I left the church based on the historical inaccuracies and all out lies, not because I was Asexual. The happy side effect of leaving the church, however, was that I opened my mind to other ideas and possibilities that led up to the discovery of my Asexuality 3 years after my exodus from the cult. I actually think it's quite beautiful how we dance through life having doors opened just when we are ready for them.

LadyPariah, I lived in VERY rural Utah until I was 20 and know exactly what you described. There is a cultural expectation for women to be stay at home moms of large families. I think this stereotype is improving over time, but not fast enough! And, don't forget that a mere 30-40 years ago they were performing electric shock treatment at BYU to "cure" gays. Sexual orientation was NOT a choice, and although they may recognize that people are actually gay today it is still considered a sin. People were straight, got married, had babies, and any other orientation was a problem to be fixed.

Butterscotchwm, I'm laughing a bit because I find myself guilty of doing the same thing to my 3 girls that your mom did to you! I thought all men were sex maniacs. I spent many years angry at the powerlessness I felt when it came to sex and projected that onto my daughters. We've since had a great deal of "uneducation" to complete and are all learning together.

One last interesting bit of trivia I'd like to find an answer to: does anyone know how likely it is that your sexual orientation is genetic and can be inherited? Thinking back to my parents marriage has me guessing that at least one of them is Asexual...I'm guessing it was my dad.

[Star Bit]

I'm not sure the percentage or if they're just coincidences, but i have heard a few ppl mention their parents were or were graily asexual or had a very low sex-drive. I suspect my own mother in fact. But i think its like inherating a temper (or what have you-- and not through taught behavior); it can happen but it doesn't exactly have high probibility.

[Guest]

I can relate so much to how you felt, even though I wasn't raised religious. I felt broken for roughly 12 years of my life. And did a lot of things I shouldn't have, because I was trying to fix myself.

Slight TMI but nothing graphic:

My grandmother hates sex and considers it a punishment from men. My mom hates sex and finds it boring and a man thing. So, I grew up knowing what sex was, but mainly thinking it was a man thing. And I was told you just did it to have a relationship, you didn't have to enjoy it. At 13 I mentioned I didn't find any humans attractive and I got told I was a liar, so I stopped mentioning that. So, at 15, I had sex with my first boyfriend after dating a while. And I loved the kisses, I loved the touching, but the sex parts were just... "what is the point of this?" There was no immense pleasure, there was no mind blowing orgasm, there was nothing. I loved him, I wanted him to be happy, so I actually didn't mind sex with him because he would hold me and kiss me and he only wanted it occasionally. But, we broke up and I kept going.

My friend had told me that she actually liked sex, but only once a month and just to get an orgasm. So, I went on the discovery of finding what *I* liked... cause everyone has sex, they can't all find it boring or they wouldn't do it so much and my friend likes it, so I must too, right? I just hadn't found out what I liked yet. Of course. Dated a guy that was universally accepted as "hot" by everyone I knew, he was sweet and shy and nerdy, which was my preferred personality type, he was tall, which I was told was also attractive. And I was aggressively sexual with him in an attempt to find something I actually enjoyed. Nothing. And our relationship was largely based on sex, because after dating a bit we had nothing in common. And he was jealous and clingy, which annoyed me. So it felt totally empty and I broke it off. I was 17.

Kept going under the impression of being broken and just needing to find out how to fix myself. Everyone told me to masturbate, experiment, sleep around and find what I liked. Cause EVERYONE wants sex. My mom kept telling me sex is just what you do as a woman, any woman who says she likes it is faking it. No mention that some people can genuinely not like sex or want it and it's OK, instead "you do it no matter how much you hate it" or "you have to love it, just fine out what you want". So, I got into another relationship with a guy that was into BDSM. I experimented. Didn't like that either. He eventually came out as non-monogamous to me and I am monogamous... end of that one. 19

When I started talking to my current partner, I had finally accepted something was up with me sexually, but I still didn't know about asexuality. So, I told him I have trouble maintaining an interest in sex in a relationship (because through the "honeymoon phase" I can handle it, cause I am just happy to be in the same room with the person, but then it's soooooooooooooooooooooo boring). He said I just hadn't had good partners. Who am I to argue? People are still telling me from all sides everyone wants sex, or no woman wants sex, so meh. Fine. Whatever. I say maybe. 5 years in, sex is a big issue. I googled how to "fix" my "low libido" and eventually found AVEN. YAY not wanting sex is an option. I was 25. We're still together, but with the knowledge I am asexual. And we compromise.

And that was the end to my attempts to fix what was not broken the entire time. I kinda wish I had not listened to anyone and just went with what I felt from the beginning. Would have saved me a lot of trouble. And my partners a lot of confusion, probably.

Welcome to AVEN

[brightberry]

Thinking back I can remember the minute details of my first sexual encounter. There was so much build up to the moment, so much talk and anticipation. At the moment when couples bond and become intimately close, I remember thinking, "Is that it?" Thus began the drudgery of a bad 14 year marriage full of obligatory sex and resentment. I had never heard of the term asexual and wouldn't have believed it was a real thing anyway, being raised Mormon. We were all trained to become dutiful wives and produce as many offspring as humanly possible. That was Gods way. At first I thought all women were faking it and secretly hated sex. I was angry that God would make women be born as sex toys for men and that I had to carry such a burden throughout life. It just wasnt fair. When I was about 30, however, I had an open conversation with a girlfriend of mine that revealed she actually enjoyed sex!! That made no sense to me. I decided I must be broken...another punishment from God. That was such an isolating feeling. I tried to explain how I felt to my husband using the words at my disposal, but failed miserably and he walked away feeling rejected. We divorced when I was 35.

I have since left Mormon crazyville and discovered the truth of so many things. It has been a journey for 3 years that has led me down the path of discovering I am asexual, as well as biromantic. I cried when I read the descriptions here. People were saying EXACTLY what I had wanted to say years earlier, but lacked the vocabulary to do so. This has been such a gift for me and I feel like I am not alone. I also know it isn't my job to satisfy some man...and that not all women are faking it. What a relief!!!

I would love to hear other stories. It's so helpful for me as I stumble my way through this. Cheers.

Hey Newlife, glad to see you've found AVEN!

I also was raised Mormon, and they super definitely make sex a lot crazier and more stressful than it should be. It took me a long time to realize I was different in regards to sexual attraction, because none of the people around me were talking casually about sex. It really did seem like it wasn't on most people's radar. In high school I came across enough information on the internet to realize that people were in fact very sexual, but it didn't cause me a lot of concern at the time.

Being asexual in some ways contributed to my eventual departure from Mormonism, but for me it didn't feel like the main cause. For me it had a lot to do with not wanting the narrow future the Mormon church presented to me. I have a pretty aggressive, straightforward personality and I didn't want to get married at all. I also have a dopamine production deficiency that prevents me from being able to "feel the spirit," as it were, so I really had a hard time connecting to spiritual people. I experienced a lot of persecution from church leadership and members and family, not for any "sinning," but for being an assertive woman. Which sucked.

I didn't realize I was asexual until about two years later.

I wish you well on sorting out your life. Leaving Mormonism (which is, technically, a cult) is a complicated endeavor, so I hope you find any support you may need. Discovering your orientation on top of that seems like it would be quite the challenge. But hopefully you can live a more authentic life from here on out.

Sundance, that's exactly what happened to me as well. I left the church based on the historical inaccuracies and all out lies, not because I was Asexual. The happy side effect of leaving the church, however, was that I opened my mind to other ideas and possibilities that led up to the discovery of my Asexuality 3 years after my exodus from the cult. I actually think it's quite beautiful how we dance through life having doors opened just when we are ready for them.

LadyPariah, I lived in VERY rural Utah until I was 20 and know exactly what you described. There is a cultural expectation for women to be stay at home moms of large families. I think this stereotype is improving over time, but not fast enough! And, don't forget that a mere 30-40 years ago they were performing electric shock treatment at BYU to "cure" gays. Sexual orientation was NOT a choice, and although they may recognize that people are actually gay today it is still considered a sin. People were straight, got married, had babies, and any other orientation was a problem to be fixed.

Butterscotchwm, I'm laughing a bit because I find myself guilty of doing the same thing to my 3 girls that your mom did to you! I thought all men were sex maniacs. I spent many years angry at the powerlessness I felt when it came to sex and projected that onto my daughters. We've since had a great deal of "uneducation" to complete and are all learning together.

One last interesting bit of trivia I'd like to find an answer to: does anyone know how likely it is that your sexual orientation is genetic and can be inherited? Thinking back to my parents marriage has me guessing that at least one of them is Asexual...I'm guessing it was my dad.

Hey, I've got to correct you on one thing. Mormons don't consider being LGBTQ+ a sin. It's only sexual acts between the same sex that are considered sins. In fact, the only kind of sexual relationships that aren't considered sins are the ones that occur between married couples.

Also, I don't know who you were taught by, but I know that you're definitely exaggerating on your descriptions of "cult mormonism". Women aren't "taught to be slaves", as you seem to indicate. In fact, that goes directly against the official teachings of the church! If you were taught that, then it was the bigoted opinions of your teacher, not what was meant to be taught.

[Moonchaser]

I used to think that everyone exaggerated how much they liked sex or how much of it they had, that surveys were skewed because of how people thought they were expected to answer. It was like it was this thing that was built up all out of proportion to the possible enjoyment (like that "Trip to Abilene" story - look it up if you aren't familiar with it). (And yet I still managed to feel broken somehow - maybe because I was in a marriage that wasn't working well because of sexual incompatibility.) When I finally came across the term asexual, I realized it had been me who was off all along. LOL It's fascinating to me now to read different asexuals' accounts and realize what a variety of ways we have of approaching this thing called sex that we just don't understand others enjoying so much - as well as how others react to the idea of asexuality. The human mind is capable of so much variety. :)

[Moonchaser]

I'm not sure the percentage or if they're just coincidences, but i have heard a few ppl mention their parents were or were graily asexual or had a very low sex-drive. I suspect my own mother in fact. But i think its like inherating a temper (or what have you-- and not through taught behavior); it can happen but it doesn't exactly have high probibility.

I have also wondered about my mom, but she's gone now so I can't ask.

[Fire & Rain]

I honestly thought everyone around me was exaggerating about how they experience sexual attraction. Took me a while to realize that I'm the odd one out lol

[LadyPariah]

As for the genetic part, I think there may be scientific studies going on right now for asexuality. I have always suspected at least a little bit of genetics, because the women on my mom's side of the family (aunts, grandma, my mom) are not really interested in sex, and may be grey-a at the least. Almost all the women on my dad's side are like that too. The men are all sexual though, which is really odd.

[Newlife]

Prophasis, I didn't come to argue the bits and pieces of Mormonism- really didn't. I'm just laying out my emotional journey to where I find myself today. I thought i was pretty clear that the slavery I was referring to was self imposed based on my interpretations of what I thought about sex. It was only slavery because I was being told to get married and have lots of sex and didn't know I had another choice. Does that make sense to you? I wasn't exaggerating the way I felt- as you seem to think. Obviously you have a Mormon background to have responded the way you did.

Regarding the LGBTQ/ Mormon dichotomy, you are right that in today's church standards it isn't a sin to say you are gay. But, lets look at the facts a bit more closely. If someone is gay they have 3 choices. 1. Pretend to be something they are not and live a married life as a straight person. 2. Pretend the be something they are not and live as an asexual with no sex at all. 3. Live true to who they are and be a sinner. Remember, they can't get married and be recognized by the church as a gay couple, so if they want a relationship and life with someone they will always be living in sin. Lets call a spade a spade here. If you are gay you have been set up to sin.

Moving on to healthier topics. Thanks.

[Lisa Smith]

I really think asexuality needs to be taught in schools. Abstinence and celibacy are completely different and I'd never heard of asexuality until I searched for my 'condition' on the internet. So many people feel 'broken' or like 'freaks' because the world is so obsessed with sex. Sex to me always meant STDs and pregnancy (neither of which I want) and I forced myself to 'do it' and get it over with as everyone talked about it constantly as teens. I hated it. I assumed it was due to the guy I was with. The next relationship lasted 7 years and I hated it with him. I'd put it off as much as possible. The last guy I was with was perfect on paper, but the fact that I still hated sex was the final straw for me. I couldn't keep making excuses and I couldn't force myself to do this thing that I hated as it made me resent my partners.

I've been single for two years (which I hate) but my honesty about being asexual on dating profiles etc means I don't have a lot of luck. :(

[jay williams]

Newlife said:

"There was so much build up to the moment, so much talk and anticipation."

Is this ever the truth for me. Not just the first time either.

I find that I have always experienced erotic feelings; and I have enjoyed hugging, cuddling and touching---getting turned on, and staying excited---but the sex act? What is it good for? LOL Nope, I have never liked "doing it." I have never understood why others are so obsessed about it either.

[Newlife]

Boy Jay, we are on the same page there. I think my affectionate personality is confusing for people to interpret. Where I crave intimacy, it's assumed I also crave sex. Physical appearance plays a role, too, I think. I'm 5'9", slender, and like to dress well, wear makeup, doll myself up, etc. I honestly think people expect me to be sexual based on outward appearance and that just isn't the case. Then again, I guess we all make assumptions about others erroneously...myself included.

Lisa, I agree people need to be educated about Asexuality, especially for the youth that are growing up expecting to find some sort of sexual orientation and finding nothing that feels authentic. I sure wish I'd known earlier anyway.

As for a genetic factor. My personal inclination would be to guess there is some link there. All other aspects of sex and gender that I'm aware of tend to have a link. As I start to examine my own family and the comments I've heard some of them make, as well as witnessing first hand my parents relationship over time, a link seems to be likely. Just my hunch.

[Sundance_]

LadyPariah, I lived in VERY rural Utah until I was 20 and know exactly what you described. There is a cultural expectation for women to be stay at home moms of large families. I think this stereotype is improving over time, but not fast enough! And, don't forget that a mere 30-40 years ago they were performing electric shock treatment at BYU to "cure" gays. Sexual orientation was NOT a choice, and although they may recognize that people are actually gay today it is still considered a sin. People were straight, got married, had babies, and any other orientation was a problem to be fixed.

From what I know, they were doing electroshock therapy as recently as 10-20 years ago in Utah. There are "troubled kids" camps in Utah that are only just stopping that therapy.

Hey, I've got to correct you on one thing. Mormons don't consider being LGBTQ+ a sin. It's only sexual acts between the same sex that are considered sins. In fact, the only kind of sexual relationships that aren't considered sins are the ones that occur between married couples.

Also, I don't know who you were taught by, but I know that you're definitely exaggerating on your descriptions of "cult mormonism". Women aren't "taught to be slaves", as you seem to indicate. In fact, that goes directly against the official teachings of the church! If you were taught that, then it was the bigoted opinions of your teacher, not what was meant to be taught.

Well, of course there differing opinions on the definitions of a cult. One of the main attitudes is that cults use many "mind control" techniques to prevent members from considering other options. Here is a checklist of how the LDS church uses these techniques if anyone is interested: http://packham.n4m.org/cult.htm

Many of the people who leave Mormonism claim to experience many of the effects that people who leave known cults experience. People of different Mormon experiences have experienced different levels of "mind control".

Mormon missions are the biggest mind control parts of the religion. They put a lot of effort into keeping missionaries thoughts in line with their dogma.

But I'm fine if you disagree with this point of view.

[Blinkin]

Wow I'm so glad you found this place. You're very welcome here! *Hugs*

Time to be the person you really are! ^_^

[Valja]

I'm glad you got out of there, so many years and suffering that now you deserve to be happy and be who you really are.