Asexuality and therapy....can I be 'fixed'?

[Jump]

So has anyone here been in counselling/therapy and revealed that they are asexual? What has been the response? The response I got was disbelief i.e. that my asexuality is something that is wrong and could be fixed. Is the reasonable? Should I explore this possibility? If I was coming out as homosexual and I got this response it would not be acceptable. Is it acceptable with asexuality?

[*killer*queen*]

Only if *you* think it's something to be fixed. And that's only in the sense that you're unhappy about it, not anyone else.

[Jump]

Well, to be honest, if I was given a stark choice I do wish I wasn't asexual, but that doesn't mean it can be changed.

[*killer*queen*]

I meant more along the lines of bothering to deal with therapy for it in the first place. I personally don't think it something that needs to be fixed. It just is.

[truthisbest7]

I'm perfectly happy thank you. I'm not broken.

[Sci]

I don't believe it can be changed. Now yes in some cases, like if your medication makes you asexual and you stop. But very rare cases.

[Raine14]

Well, I am asexual and training to be a counselor -- not exactly what you were referring too, but here's my take. Asexuality has not been studied all that much. In my college online library, I found less than 5 research articles pertaining to asexuality. The psychology field usually takes about a decade or so to catch on I've noticed and since the asexual online community is a recently development, therapists are lagging behind. In my program, asexuality has never been mentioned. Quite the opposite, in fact. Sexuality is emphasized, and I can't get through a day of classes without having a graph or case study or joke thrown at me.

Your therapist has been trained that asexuality is something to be fixed -- that doesn't mean your therapist's training is right. We even have a nifty little DSM designation . . . but so did homosexuality once. Awareness takes time. Look at how far homosexuality has come. Now, I cannot tell you if you are asexual, only you can decide that. But from what I've learned (and I've read about every source I can get my hands on) true asexuality isn't something that comes and goes. Goodness knows, I am 24 and have never been sexually attracted to anyone. But whatever fits for you, AVEN is a great community to explore in. So take a look around and enjoy the cake (there's plenty of it)!

[Jump]

Well, I am asexual and training to be a counselor -- not exactly what you were referring too, but here's my take. Asexuality has not been studied all that much. In my college online library, I found less than 5 research articles pertaining to asexuality. The psychology field usually takes about a decade or so to catch on I've noticed and since the asexual online community is a recently development, therapists are lagging behind. In my program, asexuality has never been mentioned. Quite the opposite, in fact. Sexuality is emphasized, and I can't get through a day of classes without having a graph or case study or joke thrown at me.

Your therapist has been trained that asexuality is something to be fixed -- that doesn't mean your therapist's training is right. We even have a nifty little DSM designation . . . but so did homosexuality once. Awareness takes time. Look at how far homosexuality has come. Now, I cannot tell you if you are asexual, only you can decide that. But from what I've learned (and I've read about every source I can get my hands on) true asexuality isn't something that comes and goes. Goodness knows, I am 24 and have never been sexually attracted to anyone. But whatever fits for you, AVEN is a great community to explore in. So take a look around and enjoy the cake (there's plenty of it)!

Thanks Amobea. This is exactly what I thought! Firstly, do you have a list of the 5(sih) research articles so I can read them (I am a grad student so have free access to research articles)?. Secondly, what should I do? Insist I am right and I don't want to change? Not go back, but then I am very unlikely to find a counselor who understands asexuality?? And yes, I am 31 and don't think I have ever been sexually attracted to anyone, so yes I understand.

[Guest]

Moving to Asexual Q&A

Kisa the Cat, Administrator

[Butterfly Belle]

I think you need to see my psychologist. I had my first session last week and when she asked if I had a boyfriend I said that no I was asexual. And her response was "ok". I did ask her if she knew what it meant and she said she did. It was a positive experience telling her and she seemed to understand me. She even thought that i was comfortable being asexual, I don't know how she figured that out though. So if you wanna move to Australia you can go and see her.

[Star Bit]

I think one could be taught to asociate arousal with someone else in the same way the bell and salivating dog experiment, but they cant change your desire to have sex... well, maybe through hypnotism.

Also, most asexuals do not have a disasociation; implying it was once had, but they have an unasociation; it never existed.

[vervain]

Well, I am asexual and training to be a counselor -- not exactly what you were referring too, but here's my take. Asexuality has not been studied all that much. In my college online library, I found less than 5 research articles pertaining to asexuality. The psychology field usually takes about a decade or so to catch on I've noticed and since the asexual online community is a recently development, therapists are lagging behind. In my program, asexuality has never been mentioned. Quite the opposite, in fact. Sexuality is emphasized, and I can't get through a day of classes without having a graph or case study or joke thrown at me.

Your therapist has been trained that asexuality is something to be fixed -- that doesn't mean your therapist's training is right. We even have a nifty little DSM designation . . . but so did homosexuality once. Awareness takes time. Look at how far homosexuality has come. Now, I cannot tell you if you are asexual, only you can decide that. But from what I've learned (and I've read about every source I can get my hands on) true asexuality isn't something that comes and goes. Goodness knows, I am 24 and have never been sexually attracted to anyone. But whatever fits for you, AVEN is a great community to explore in. So take a look around and enjoy the cake (there's plenty of it)!

Thanks Amobea. This is exactly what I thought! Firstly, do you have a list of the 5(sih) research articles so I can read them (I am a grad student so have free access to research articles)?. Secondly, what should I do? Insist I am right and I don't want to change? Not go back, but then I am very unlikely to find a counselor who understands asexuality?? And yes, I am 31 and don't think I have ever been sexually attracted to anyone, so yes I understand.

Many of the research articles on asexuality are listed here, with links and abstracts where available : http://www.asexualexplorations.net/home/extantresearch.html

With regard to your original questions... my own personal take on this is that how you respond will probably depend on how you view your asexuality, and on what you want to get out of the counselling process.

I doubt counselling can change whether a person is asexual or not. It may help people to explore how they feel about their orientation and why, and this process may help people come to terms with an orientation which they feel they dislike/do not want/would not have chosen, etc.

Personally, I have had good and bad experiences of counsellors.

One effectively forced me to come out as aromantic early on by asking me to talk about relationships. She found it strange that I didn't want a relationship. I could understand why she would think that, because of the statistics. But it wasn't causing me a problem, and most of all, I had not gone to counselling to talk about aromanticism ! I needed counselling for an unrelated, and urgent, issue. I did not like the way this counsellor controlled the agenda, and I did not like her reaction to a random aspect of my identity. I did not feel that I would be comfortable talking about my intimate problems with this person, so I asked to see a different counsellor.

The counselling practice did not mind -- personality clash or similar are apparently quite common. They assigned me a different counsellor, a kind, practical person who supported me in resolving the things I needed to resolve. I felt that this counsellor respected me as a person. The topic of asexuality and aromanticism came up briefly, but he could see that I was not troubled by it, so he let the discussion move on, back to the urgent problems. I found this counsellor very supportive and effective. He never tried to fix me or suggested I needed fixing. Instead, he let me identify the issues that were causing me distress, and helped me to fix the fixable ones and cope with the unfixable ones.

I've also been to someone in a separate practice, who said very little apart from the occasional very incisive question. I talked about being asexual and aromantic just like I talk about other things in my everyday life. For example, I talked about being afraid to come out in case people did not believe me, and her reaction was to get me to think about how much importance I attach to what other people think, and why. She never questioned my orientation. She never forced me to talk about anything in particular. She acted as a neutral sounding-board who was there to help me understand how I think and why.

Even if you don't find a counsellor with an in-depth knowledge of asexuality (I have no idea, incidentally, how much counsellors #2 and #3 knew or didn't !), you may well find one who is prepared to learn about it, or to help you explore your own self without imposing their views on you.

[Smmk]

To be honest, it annoys me to death that people think that if you don't want sex, or not much of it, you have a "problem" and you should be "fixed". I don't understand what it wrong with it at all.

I do understand why you would rather be sexual though, but please: you are perfect as you are and there is no need for you to change :)

[Raine14]

Well, I am asexual and training to be a counselor -- not exactly what you were referring too, but here's my take. Asexuality has not been studied all that much. In my college online library, I found less than 5 research articles pertaining to asexuality. The psychology field usually takes about a decade or so to catch on I've noticed and since the asexual online community is a recently development, therapists are lagging behind. In my program, asexuality has never been mentioned. Quite the opposite, in fact. Sexuality is emphasized, and I can't get through a day of classes without having a graph or case study or joke thrown at me.

Your therapist has been trained that asexuality is something to be fixed -- that doesn't mean your therapist's training is right. We even have a nifty little DSM designation . . . but so did homosexuality once. Awareness takes time. Look at how far homosexuality has come. Now, I cannot tell you if you are asexual, only you can decide that. But from what I've learned (and I've read about every source I can get my hands on) true asexuality isn't something that comes and goes. Goodness knows, I am 24 and have never been sexually attracted to anyone. But whatever fits for you, AVEN is a great community to explore in. So take a look around and enjoy the cake (there's plenty of it)!

Thanks Amobea. This is exactly what I thought! Firstly, do you have a list of the 5(sih) research articles so I can read them (I am a grad student so have free access to research articles)?. Secondly, what should I do? Insist I am right and I don't want to change? Not go back, but then I am very unlikely to find a counselor who understands asexuality?? And yes, I am 31 and don't think I have ever been sexually attracted to anyone, so yes I understand.

Many of the research articles on asexuality are listed here, with links and abstracts where available : http://www.asexualexplorations.net/home/extantresearch.html

With regard to your original questions... my own personal take on this is that how you respond will probably depend on how you view your asexuality, and on what you want to get out of the counselling process.

I doubt counselling can change whether a person is asexual or not. It may help people to explore how they feel about their orientation and why, and this process may help people come to terms with an orientation which they feel they dislike/do not want/would not have chosen, etc.

...

Even if you don't find a counsellor with an in-depth knowledge of asexuality (I have no idea, incidentally, how much counsellors #2 and #3 knew or didn't !), you may well find one who is prepared to learn about it, or to help you explore your own self without imposing their views on you.

To add to vervain's asexuality bibliography list (which I am going to thoroughly peruse), I have also found a few books about asexuality. Asexuality: A Brief Introduction is a primarily subjective book, but a fairly good read, pretty short, and can be downloaded for free at http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/ The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker is another book that has good reviews and is next on my list to read.

To answer your questions, it is entirely up to you. You could try your luck with another counselor. Or you could continue with your current one. Speaking as a counselor, I appreciate clients educating me. And I want my clients to tell me when something doesn't sit right with them. I am not all-knowing nor do I pretend to be, and if a client has questions or is uncertain about an issue, I will do the research and come back next week with as much information as I can glean on the topic. In your position, I would probably request that my counselor look into asexuality (even do it in session if the counselor has internet access in the office) or print out what information I have found relevant to give to my counselor. Depending on the counselor's willingness and/or reaction, I may choose to seek counseling elsewhere. But I am a bit of a firebrand and I know many people aren't comfortable going that route. That is totally okay too.

Just keep one thing in mind: counseling is for you. Not your counselor. Not your partner. Not your mother. You.

[Jump]

Thank you all for your brilliant and profound advice! These are exactly the type of responses I was hoping for, so I feel reassured and armed with knowledge so I can make an appropriate choice in how to proceed! And thanks for all those references. Fantastic!

[potato-chip]

I told my therapist I thought I might be asexual, and she said she was happy for me, that I was finally finding an identity I could relate to. She said she had other clients who identified that way and validated that it's a perfectly acceptable way to be - nothing that requires fixing. There are good therapists out there!

[Lenika]

No its not something to be fixed, or that can be fixed.

I'm asexual, never been sexualy atracted to anyone or anything and I lack all feelings asociated with sexual desires and gentalia. I never had them, and frankly I don't want them. I'm extremely happy the way I am, except for the thought I might be alone the rest of my life, but one would question the foundation and strength of a relationship if sex is the deciding reason you have one. I would not want a relationship with a person who would not be with me without sex, because obviously sex was their motivation for the relationship and not ME as a person.

I feel very strong love towards my close friends, but it is love how you would love your family, not a sexual form of love in any fashion.

I enjoy the companionship of people I am close to, and I would some day like to meet someone who would share that companionship with me in an asexual relationship. We'll see what my future holds.

I like hugs and being physically close to a person, but it stops there. And everything else I like them for the person they are, which is how I would want someone to like me.

Also, I do not care what gender a person is.

And thats me as an asexual. :)

With therapists in the past I use to get told I Must have been sexually abused, which is simply not true. And other such horse shit. If you explain your case and they continue to fail at understanding or accepting it then walk away. If they accept you as you are then great!

[Lisa Smith]

Asexuality or a lack of desire can be a side effect of some drugs - that is fixable.

Actual asexuality is just the way a person is. That can't be 'fixed'. My dr and therapists think I use 'Asexuality' as a unique selling point to make myself stand out, but it's not like I go around wearing a t shirt that announces it!

I saw a Psycho-sexual therapist and she said; 'If you have no desire but want it, that's a problem. If you have no desire and are happy that way, then it's all good.' I don't want sex. I don't want to want sex. I don't want to watch or talk about sex. I don't want people to make crude jokes or gestures alluding to sex. It's not something that can be fixed, it's just learning to accept it. x

[Ficulnean]

Thank you all for your brilliant and profound advice! These are exactly the type of responses I was hoping for, so I feel reassured and armed with knowledge so I can make an appropriate choice in how to proceed! And thanks for all those references. Fantastic!

Hey, just to say, you said you'd pick to be otherwise. However, I'm sensing (fel free to bash me here) that this is an intellectual change, or a sometimes it causes me so many issues change, not because asexuality itself is something that discomforts you. In my opinion, that means that you shouldn't seek to change it or allow others to pressure you to.

I mean . . . we've had people coming here asking how to turn themselves asexual. I'm sure each has it's host of problems; it's whether you see these problems, or the actual sexuality, as the issue.

[butterflydreams]

I debated telling my therapist because of my poor experiences with therapists in the past, and experiences I had read others having, but eventually just said "fuck it" and went for it. Her response verbatim: "ok, and what does that mean for you?" I told her it meant I didn't experience sexual attraction. I didn't experience relationships, or the idea of relationships in my case, in a sexual sense. That layer isn't there.

In addition to reaffirming my thinking that she might actually be able to help me with my primary problem (depression), her accepting that means I can open up about a slew of other things related to it. Obviously it's a big part of my life, and has affected a lot of things, and some of those things have caused depression. I'm pretty optimistic about getting better this time.