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About intimacy ?


Jlx Without his bowtie

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Jlx Without his bowtie

Everything is pretty much in the title... Yet i'd make it more specific.. do you feel a need, or something of the sort, for intimacy ? How do you express it, if you do ? and with who ?

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Yes, I defenitely need intimacy, but not necessarily sexual. I could easily live without sexual activities (masturbation excluded) but I do really need someone to cuddle and kiss with.

However, intimacy to me is not just touching. I can also experience a long and deep conversation as something intimate.

I want to be close to someone and share our lives, laugh about stupid things and watch movies together. Being so close to each other in non sexual ways is defenitely something I crave.

My partner and I are together for almost four years, and he is my best friend and the person I share intimacy with :)

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Well, I decided to create an account to poke and prod, so I suppose this is a good place (rather than creating an identical topic...).

First off, I am not asexual. I'm probably the opposite, though I'm not sure it's that simple. I am not 'hypersexual', but for me sexual contact is the extent of emotional expression. To me, love and sex are synonymous, and even sleeping with someone I only met once at a bar actually generated a strong emotional connection [quite accidentally]. Literally any other activity which is viewed as intimate or romantic is a null-zone for me; to the point that I come off as very cold and mechanical. I point this out to make it clear that I am a curious outsider just here to ask questions and I'm not certain if this is accepted so I wanted to be up front about it.

So, to go with the OP's theme, some questions:

1. What do you define as intimacy?

2. How do you replace sex as an emotional bonding mechanism?

3. How would you define asexuality*?

4. How does someone who does not view sex as intimate define cheating?

*I'm looking for a definition beyond 'non interest in sexual act', as this is a description of what someone does not enjoy rather than what they do. It's like Atheism; telling me what you don't believe in doesn't tell me what you do. Or, to make is simpler, if I was to ask you your favorite color, asexuality is like responding 'not purple'. Of course, this assumes any interest in companionship.

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It really depends on the individual's definition of the word 'intimacy'.

For me, intimacy is physical and emotional closeness. Cuddling in bed and talking about life and philosophical topics could be one of the most intimate moments for me that I very much enjoy. For others, it may be sex or simply just holding hands.

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1. No answer

2. I don't think of "replacing" sex. I don't own a motorbike so I don't need to replace my motorbike with something else, although I have lots of other toys that cost the same as a motorbike.

I thought that emotional bonding came from talking, from spending time together, sharing experiences together and learning about the other's life. If you both like obscure Japanese anime, then that's a bond that doesn't require sex.

3. It's very difficult to define something which is lacking. It's like trying to define what "dark" looks like. Usually I will say that my perception of human relationships is different to most everyone else.

4. It's about the emotional bond. If you believe that you have found your soulmate then it's very difficult to maintain that belief when they prefer to spend most of their time with someone else. If it's not a major influence on your time together (eg. only one poker night per week) then it doesn't seem like cheating to me.

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It really depends on the individual's definition of the word 'intimacy'.

For me, intimacy is physical and emotional closeness. Cuddling in bed and talking about life and philosophical topics could be one of the most intimate moments for me that I very much enjoy. For others, it may be sex or simply just holding hands.

Hence the question, really. Think of it more as a poll than seeking a definitive answer?

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Well, I decided to create an account to poke and prod, so I suppose this is a good place (rather than creating an identical topic...).

First off, I am not asexual. I'm probably the opposite, though I'm not sure it's that simple. I am not 'hypersexual', but for me sexual contact is the extent of emotional expression. To me, love and sex are synonymous, and even sleeping with someone I only met once at a bar actually generated a strong emotional connection [quite accidentally]. Literally any other activity which is viewed as intimate or romantic is a null-zone for me; to the point that I come off as very cold and mechanical. I point this out to make it clear that I am a curious outsider just here to ask questions and I'm not certain if this is accepted so I wanted to be up front about it.

So, to go with the OP's theme, some questions:

1. What do you define as intimacy?

2. How do you replace sex as an emotional bonding mechanism?

3. How would you define asexuality*?

4. How does someone who does not view sex as intimate define cheating?

*I'm looking for a definition beyond 'non interest in sexual act', as this is a description of what someone does not enjoy rather than what they do. It's like Atheism; telling me what you don't believe in doesn't tell me what you do. Or, to make is simpler, if I was to ask you your favorite color, asexuality is like responding 'not purple'. Of course, this assumes any interest in companionship.

Although your questions were not directed at me, I think I might be able to give you some answers.

1. The defenition of intimacy is different for everyone. Personally I think having a long and intense conversation can also be very intimate. (Take a look at what I posted earlier)

2. To me, sex is not an emotional bonding mechanism at all. Could you tell me a bit more about how you experience this? I am not sure I understand.

3. I can not define asexuality. I define as demisexual (leaning towards asexual) because of this:

- I do not experience any sexual attraction towards anyone, exept people I have a very strong emotional connection with.

- I could easily live without sex.

- I experience intercourse often as a bit boring, although I don't mind it and sometimes even like it.

- I can appreciate beauty, but will never be able to have sex with someone when I don't have a (very) strong emotional bond.

4. This is again something I can only answer by giving you my personal opinion:

I think most asexuals do think of sex as something intimate, but not something they want to participate with. If I would not be able to give my partner sexual satisfaction I would still find it really, really difficult to let him have sex with someone else because just that: it IS really intimate. I would fear to lose him.

Many asexuals have an open relationship though. But that would not be something I'd want to do.

Hope your questions are somewhat answered :)

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1. No answer

2. I don't think of "replacing" sex. I don't own a motorbike so I don't need to replace my motorbike with something else, although I have lots of other toys that cost the same as a motorbike.

I thought that emotional bonding came from talking, from spending time together, sharing experiences together and learning about the other's life. If you both like obscure Japanese anime, then that's a bond that doesn't require sex.

3. It's very difficult to define something which is lacking. It's like trying to define what "dark" looks like. Usually I will say that my perception of human relationships is different to most everyone else.

4. It's about the emotional bond. If you believe that you have found your soulmate then it's very difficult to maintain that belief when they prefer to spend most of their time with someone else. If it's not a major influence on your time together (eg. only one poker night per week) then it doesn't seem like cheating to me.

1. No answer, or no desire/capacity for intimacy?

2. I worded it from the perspective of sex being a primary form of emotional bonding: sex and orgasms release a hormone in the brain which is associated with emotional bonding. I'm looking less for how you replace this and more for what you consider to be acts of bonding.

3. I could say the same thing, really. As an example, I see all human interaction as logical and mechanical - this is expressed in the 'golden rule' of treating other as you wish to be treated. Essentially, all social interaction is designed to produce the desired response in any given situation. Responses are based largely on pre-programmed routines [memory] and hardware [genetics], thus human interaction is little more than pushing the right buttons to get what you want.

4. Questions 2 and 3 sort-of lead into this one: how do you differentiate between platonic and intimate contact? I have always held that the basis for cheating lies in the prioritization of attention, but then it is difficult to define what is platonic attention and what isn't when you remove sex from the equation: to put it simply, for me the only difference between platonic and intimate IS sexual.

I suppose my curiosity is a little bit of a remnant of an old relationship with a woman who described herself as asexual; she still desired intercourse on occasion, but it was very mechanical for her and she didn't desire it often. I often complained to her that there wasn't much point in dating without sex because at that point we're just friends. I imagine this is one of the common hurdles of asexuality; my situation was simply exacerbated by my inability to express [or perceive] intimacy without sexual contact.

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I'm not interested in physical or exlusive intimacy. For me intimacy is about what folks know about my thoughts, feelings and the ins and outs of my existence as well as what I know of them. I tend to be an open book and will share just about any personal detail with almost anyone. I am constantly having to remind myself about what is or is not socially acceptable to share. The folks who befriend me seem to enjoy my candor and begin to tell me more about themselves as the friendship grows, sometimes more than they are normally comfortable with. The closer I become to someone the more I let out.

So a coworker might know about my hobbies, standard behaviors and basic health. A friend would be better at hanging around with me and would know more about my family and hopes. A close friend would know all of my problems, hopes and idleness but be missing some key details. My brother and parents know everything about me that I have externalized. There is very little that only I know about me that nobody else gets to know.

Oh, and I have a number of feline and canine friends scattered over the north east u.s. whom I will pet, play with and allow to sit on and rub on me. That's all...

I don't need to replace sex because it plays no role in my life. Imagine you were born without pinky toe toenails. You wouldn't need to replace them because they were never there and thier existence on others makes no sense to you.

As for cheating I have no definition, I don't do exclusive relationships. What folks do in thier own time with other friends and loved ones is none of my business.

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I don't need to replace sex because it plays no role in my life. Imagine you were born without pinky toe toenails. You wouldn't need to replace them because they were never there and thier existence on others makes no sense to you.

As for cheating I have no definition, I don't do exclusive relationships. What folks do in thier own time with other friends and loved ones is none of my business.

This seems to go beyond asexuality, though. And it raises some interesting questions of it's own.

How many of these people would share your feelings of such knowledge [or the relationship in general] being intimate? Intimacy implies something a bit more than simple friendship - which, to me at least, is what you've described - and is defined by a shared experience. If it's only one-way, how does it fit the definition?

Forgive me, but it's just that your explanation seems to perhaps misunderstand the varying relationships that sexual people experience, not just companionship. I suppose if you were to say that you had no desire for close, intimate contact with others it would be easier to understand than stating that ALL relationships were close and intimate; this is true, to an extent, for most everyone I would imagine. But the nature of the intimacy is what I'm referring to - sexuality isn't always what creates the desire for such relationships even among sexual people, but is merely the end result thereof. For only your family members to be at the 'closest level of intimacy' for you raises interesting questions about how incest would be defined when one has no sexual capacity*... as well as sortof implying that family bonds are lesser among 'sexuals' [which I admit is the case for some, including myself].

*: That may have been a little crude. My apologies if it was offensive.

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Simple friendship is to me, an intimate thing and my friends know that we are friends and that I am not as open with other people. Some of my longest friendships are with former bandmates. Any musician can tell you that creating a song out of thin air with close friends is a truly intimate and powerful shared experience. I mean, if shared experience were all intimacy required I would leave public restrooms feeling oddly bonded with the guy who was at the urinal next to me. There is no jealousy, incest, cheating, rape or the other horrors that potentially come with your sort of intimacy in my world, perhaps because I have no need for such bonds. I suppose by your genitalia based definition I am never intimate with other people and have no interest in being so.

Now you know why a site like this one is so important. For you intimacy may be two bodies touching each other. For me it is personal knowledge and shared thoughts. We speak different tongues and there is no word in my language for what is a common utterance in yours.

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I talk and share. I touch and caress. I spend a lot of time with my friends and really know them. I show that I care about them in any way I can. We have a lot of shared experiences. The total absence of any sexual tension allows every other aspect of our relationships to come through and be very close.

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Star Inkbright

'Asexual' and 'aromantic' aren't synonyms; there are some asexuals (well, a lot of asexuals) who experience romantic attraction without sexual attraction.

For most people, such as heteroromantic heterosexuals, romantic and sexual attraction occurs simultaneously, so a lot of people think they're the same thing, but it is possible to only feel one and not the other. Romantic asexuals can still have crushes and fall in love and so on, just without a desire for sex. I've never felt romantic attraction or sexual attraction so far in my life, but I've been told that when asexuals like someone romantically it feels different to liking someone platonically.

I suppose it's like how someone who was totally ignorant of sex and sexual attraction could say to a sexual person "How is someone you really want to have sex with different to someone you really want to play badminton with? You want to do an activity exclusively with one person in both cases, so what's the difference?" They don't understand that there's a whole load of emotions that come with having sex with someone and feeling sexually attracted to someone.

Just as with romantic asexuals . . . you can say "You don't want to have sex with romantic partners and you don't want to have sex with your friends, so what's the difference?" There's these different emotions that occur with romantic attraction, and it's those emotions that make it different.

Sorry if that wasn't very clear - I've tried to make it as clear as possible, but it was hard to explain . . .

Feel free to correct me if I've got anything wrong. :)

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Jlx Without his bowtie

I'm very thankful for your answers. My question was a little short, and i should have explained what i meant a little more.

I've found AVEN recently, and i personally identify as a romantic asexual in spite of the fact i'm involved in a relationship, with someone who is sexual. But even before, i clearly understood that there was what many people desired and that involved sex, and what i wanted, that was a strong desire to close to someone, to be cuddled and taken care of..

I know that some of my friends who are sexuals, also have that sort of needs... And i wanted to know how asexuals feel about it.

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2. I worded it from the perspective of sex being a primary form of emotional bonding: sex and orgasms release a hormone in the brain which is associated with emotional bonding. I'm looking less for how you replace this and more for what you consider to be acts of bonding.

3. I could say the same thing, really. As an example, I see all human interaction as logical and mechanical - this is expressed in the 'golden rule' of treating other as you wish to be treated. Essentially, all social interaction is designed to produce the desired response in any given situation. Responses are based largely on pre-programmed routines [memory] and hardware [genetics], thus human interaction is little more than pushing the right buttons to get what you want.

I don't get your number 2 at all... I think we're on a completely different track here... sex being t he primary form of emotional bonding doesn't make sense to me. Your number 3 explains a lot about your number 2. though... I don't have the mechanistic view of social relationships you have. I think we as humans have the capacity to surpass biological urges and that this is what makes us human. Biological determinism only takes us so far. What you propose is that humans don't have any free will and I refuse to believe that premise. That would make life a pointless and futile experience in which we act like robots.

In response to the OP. I do have a need for intimacy but it takes an emotional and experiental form (though I do like hugs as well), rather than a sexual one.

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Sitting on the couch watching a movie and snuggling close to a nice, warm friend is about as close as I get to cuddling, I think. As for feeling taken care of, I'm the baby of the family, so I've always felt taken care of and gotten a lot of caring attention. That covers it for me.

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1. Feeling very close and comfortable, sharing things that are usually personal and private, dropping barriers.

2. Since I've never felt that sex would be an emotional bonding mechanism for me, I've never thought about how to replace it. I think being a caring and open friend is connected to emotional bonding.

3. An independence from sex as a goal. Also, not relying on sex as a mechanism for relationships. Asexuality lets me focus on other ways to know someone and care about them and have good times with them.

4. I feel betrayed when a close friend keeps part of his or her social life separate from me. Barriers and secrecy hurt my feelings.

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Oh boy, lets see...

1) Intimacy to me is sharing intimate things with a person or persons but NOT anything sexual. So talking about life beyond the casual conversations people normally have. Being emotionally intimate, able to talk about one's problems or emotions with another and not be judged in any fashion. And physical forms of intimacy like hugging, holding hands, cuddling or any other non sexual forms of touching.

This kind of thing is extremely important to me, though I have a hard time finding it because it takes a lot for me to trust people to the extent I feel comfortable sharing these things, so generally my circle is very small and sometimes just one person.

I think friends can be intimate with each other, as well as multiple people, many groups of people become extremely close in life as well, this is also a form of intimacy without sex. Also families are often intimate as well, IE, brother and siss, or mother daughter, ext...

All in all being close with a person.

2) Sex to me is nothing emotional, Just an activity partners may want to do together. For instance partners may also like to hike together or play tennis but that is not sex.

3) Asexuality lets me get to know and like people for who they are as a person, regardless of gender or age. I can find other ways to strengthen a bond with someone.

4) Well, hmm... Keeping too many secrets, or spending way more time with specifically someone else than they do you.

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