Jump to content

Commitment Phobia and Asexuality


BreanneW

Recommended Posts

So a little bit about myself since I feel it will be beneficial to the post, also sorry for the post's length.

I identify myself as a straight asexual, although not actually out of the closet to most. As an american female going on 20 I have also been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I had a hard childhood and am still dealing with the after math. Everything has settled down for the most part so now I feel that it's time to really evaluate myself. I'm young but, I am attempting to think about the future and figure out what path to take in life. I was dealt a relatively generous hand in life and want to take advantage of the opportunities I've been given to the fullest. However, I'm finding that in my soul search I have a horrible commitment phobia; I'm not talking just for relationships (although that isn't dismissed in the whole matter) but in every day life. Commitment phobia is usually only referred to in relationship terms and with men. Because of that I can't turn to google for the quick, simple, and general solution like I normally would.

Basically commitment phobia in MY everyday life is presented by me not wanting to make plans, being afraid to commit to anything (I recently was offered a job and I really really need a job so bad but I almost said no because I could and the thought of saying yes made me very anxious and physically uncomfortable. The only reason I took it was because they called me an hour after my interview so I didn't have time to think about what I was getting myself into.) and, keeping people at an emotional distance (seduction, and then once they are interested I immediately cut off communication until I feel that they have left me alone enough. I even do this with my family).

I have been very interested in this guy for over a year now. We talk every few days and to be honest I know he wanted to be more than friends. i ruined that though and although never put him in the friend zone I think that he feels that's where he is. He doesn't know I'm asexual so when he would attempt to take us to the next level I would turn him down. But I can't let him go because of the feelings I have for him. I feel so bad for sending him so many mixed signals. But I don't have the guts to tell him why.
Now, sexual people who have commitment phobia will often use one night stands in place of relationships. Logical yes, my concern is that I'm not interested in being sexually active so I can't fill my need for companionship with people. I am caused great anxiety when the thought that since I'm not out to them they see me sexually and see my friendly as flirty.

I have tried therapy, but I can't commit to the sessions. Traditional therapy has only brought me more frustration and anxiety. I can barely stand making doctors appointments and actually following through with them.

How do you help a person with commitment issues who can't commit to a solution?

Apparently commitment phobia is more common than most people are willing to admit so I figured I check on a always stress relieving website and see if anyone has dealt with this under the circumstances of being asexual as well.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have commitment phobia, to an extent. It comes and goes along with my depression which is unfortunately happening as we speak. I have a bad habit of breaking relationships (friendships, romantic, etc), hobbies (Be it gaming, reading, running, etc) and routines unexpectedly. For instance I have been bouncing back and fourth for the past month on if I should or should not drop a class, even when I'm getting a low 70 in it.

My biggest lost was my core group of friends last year. I was in a really, really low swing at that time and just said "Forget everyone, I'll begin from scratch". I threw away a group of friends I had known for over two years. I really, really regret doing that and I would take it back in a moments notice. Unfortunately you can't take back what you say in those situations.

That being said, I've devised solutions to stay committed. Here's what I have found.
- Write down your goals, tasks and mandatory requirements.
- Hold yourself accountable. Tell others: "I am putting an honest effort into this"
- Logically solve it. Try to remove an emotional aspect. Ex. I need money, so therefore I need job.
- (When regarding relationships) LET OTHERS KNOW!

When I say "LET OTHERS KNOW" I mean "Hey, I'm thinking about quitting this, don't let me" or "Hey, just ignore anything bad I may say this week".
I had to do that tonight actually. I was having negative thoughts such as "Why don't I just break up with my partner? I wouldn't have to deal with these struggles" when I know in full thought that I love them and really, really need them. Yes they're annoying at times, but the flaws certainly do not outweigh the goods! My mind perceives the issues to be greater than they actually are. Therefore I get anxious and always, always want to quit. I've decided I always need to give an honest effort before quitting something.

Basically, one foot in front of the other and don't turn around.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm kind of a commitment phobe, in that I hate narrowing down my choices to one option. It's more chronic indecision really. So I love friendships, you don't have to pick one option. If you asked me to commit to one person being my 'best friend', I couldn't do it. I have several. And I'm also quite flirty, it's just how I am. My actual flirting is terrifying though and not even slightly attractive. It does the work of keeping the unsuitable boys out of the way for me (I never fancy the ones I would actually date). I usually beg my friends to force me to pick something. Or my parents tell me to pull myself together. Or after a long period of agonising over my choice the deadline or ultimatum appears (had this recently with picking housemates) and I have to make a choice. The worst is when I say I'll do something and then regret it, so I try to avoid committing to social things and then people pester me about it.

As to how to help with it, I like to avoid situations I couldn't get out of if necessary, even if getting out would be hard and annoying. I guess I just have to remind myself of an 'escape plan' which in the case of social things is usually some kind of an excuse. In terms of relationships though I wouldn't know, I've never been in one. Just remember you can escape if you need to and then ask yourself why you want to escape and is it worth it. I think that sometimes about uni. So far I've never decided it was worth it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with Stephano, making something mandatory can actually be quite helpful.

I set times on my calender for things like art and spending time with friends. It felt a little strange at first, but it helps.

The best way I found to start this, was to take some time to take an objective look at something I was considering, take a moment to decide what I would like to see come from a particular desire, and if it would be something benificial to me.

Then just write down what I had to do and when I had to do it.

I still miss a few things, but since it's mandatory, I simply make up for it the next day, and sort of... work it into my programming, so to speak.

If I ever wonder why I should bother sometimes, it can help to write down why I want to do it, when I schedule the times. Helps me to remember it's something I want.

Asexuality has been a major factor in much of my fear of commitment in relationships.

To the point I tend to announce it early, often in an attempt to preemt any risky relationship in the first place.

This is usually met with denial, either of the relevance of it, or of the certainty with which I state it.

Which further increases my anxiety.

But I figure I'd rather risk it and be wrong about my concerns, than skip it and always wonder.

Hope that helps a bit!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone who replied.

It did help a lot actually. I think I'm just going to have to come out soon. It will reduce my anxiety level over all which I think will help with the relationships. You're a great community :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...