Jump to content

What could I have done to make it work out? (about a very bad breakup)


R.Million

Recommended Posts

Just to warn you, this is about a very bad breakup. It's a little bit explicit and I'm still trying to figure out and come to terms with what happened so it might seem really harsh and might be upsetting to some people.

I'm married, technically.

He was almost perfect, as perfect as anyone really could be I thought. He accepted my lack of sexual intrest and said it wasn't a huge deal. I obliged him physically when I could because I loved him and wanted to please.

Things started falling apart. I wouldn't say it was the bedroom, really it was everywhere. I did my very best to be a loving wife, feed him, be there, do what he liked to do, please him in bed, but nothing was good enough. Really he wasn't happy with himself, I know that now. He was depressed and since everything was going well he had to find some cause for his frustrations and he picked me. among his swings in temperment he would get upset with me and sulk for hours about how he was no good because he couldn't please me in bed. I tried explaining that I didn't need to be pleased in bed and that the only reason I did it was to make him happy. This only made things worse though since he said if he was any good I would want sex with him.

This is where things get very very bad. After a year or so of walking on eggshells, fearing an emotional bomb going off, I asked him if there were any sexual fantacies he had that I could act out to make him happy. He admited that he had always wanted to see me "roughly used" by another guy. I was so buried in trying to please him by then that I agreed to it. Eventually, I figured out how to make it doable and asked a close single friend for his participation in the performance. Things were great for about a week and a half after that, my husband was happy, my friend was happy, even though I didn't feel great personally I was so happy that my husband was finally smiling again. Then everything hit the fan. He desided I was a cheater. When I pointed out to him that I wasn't the one who had the idea, and never would have he said that made it worse, he said that it was worse because I hadn't wanted it but did it anyway. He accused me of having an "emotional affair" since he knew I couldn't have preformed the act with someone I wasn't completely comfortable with. He got extremely controlling after that. I wasn't allowed to see friends because he thought I was "emotionally cheating" on him by having other friends.

I left him this summer but we are seperated and not divorced. Things were bad, I couldn't leave the house for any reason without him because of my "cheating" or I was immediately accused again and belabored with laments on why I wasn't loyal (I was loyal, I loved him, and still do very much). He threatened to kill himself over my imagined behavior and everything that was left of me told me to run so I did.

What could I have done? How could I have explained to him the difference between love and friendship for an asexual? I rejoined college to have a good reason the stay away but he wants to try again next summer after the school year how can I maintain friendships and not be seen as disloyal? I tried everything I could think of and I've asked other places and people but their answers all seem to focus on "more blowjobs".

Link to post
Share on other sites
HermioneGranger

You answered your own question when you wrote that everything you had told you to run from this guy. He has serious mental problems. Nothing will have changed if you "try again" with him. I hope you reconsider before he goes off the deep end and kills you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
He admited that he had always wanted to see me "roughly used" by another guy. I was so buried in trying to please him by then that I agreed to it. [...] Then everything hit the fan. He desided I was a cheater. When I pointed out to him that I wasn't the one who had the idea, and never would have he said that made it worse, he said that it was worse because I hadn't wanted it but did it anyway.

Uhhh, yeah. Honestly? There's really not anything you could have done. The guy had you subjected to physical abuse (even if he didn't do it himself, he still encouraged and allowed it to happen) and is now subjecting you to emotional abuse with his sudden about-face in his treatment of you. The dude's an abuser. And you know something else that is a common trait of abusers? They threaten to harm/kill themselves when the other person tries to leave the situation, in order to keep them baited in. Sound familiar?

To be frank, I'm not even sure why you would even want to "work it out" with him at this point. His "depression" or whatever that may be does not excuse his behavior towards you.

You might want to help him get better, but in order for that to happen he has to realize he has a problem and he has to want to better himself, and from the looks of it he has not achieved either of these steps. Unless/until that happens, you are absolutely powerless to influence the situation. You did good to get out of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He is a sick person, every line you wrote you can spot how bad he is for you, Im so glad you are separate and tho it will hurt as you still love him the best thing you can do is run away from him, and hopefully start a new life with someone that loves you soon :( Ps: all the people that told you more "blowjobs" dont have idea the risk you run being beside him

**hugs**

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is an abusive relationship. You know that. As other members have said, I don't know why you would want to work it out.

I've had my fair share of abusive relationships, not all of which were romantic or to this extent. However, I was able to see they were doing me no good and I got out of the situation.

I have to mention the suicide thing. As it was mentioned along with your desire to work things out, it comes across as you taking his issues on yourself and wanting to work things out in hopes of making things better for him. You cannot fix that and you shouldn't harbor on the guilt from his statement. If he is threatening to kill himself, it is not because of you or your actions. That is entirely his choosing. That is entirely on him. He cannot blame you for his thoughts or for his actions, should it come to that. He sounds like he is very ill. You shouldn't put yourself in a harmful situation/environment in hopes of maybe helping someone. You need to think about your safety and well-being and this is not a safe place for you to be.

You can easily maintain friendships without being seen as disloyal...by avoiding this person. No amount of proof will change his mind as he currently is mentally. He needs to seek help, honestly, and that isn't something you can give. My best advice to you has already been stated. Don't be a part of a co-dependency. Don't sacrifice yourself just because someone seems to need you. We're allowed to think and take care of ourselves sometimes. Our happiness is dependent on how we choose to act in these types of situations. Never give up your happiness for a maybe.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the responces. Don't worry about me going back easily, he's going to have to show a lot of personal growth if he ever wants that (he has not). I'm more wondering what I could have said differently to convince someone so insecure that having close friends wasn't the same for me as cheating.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's not your job to convince him or anyone else. If he's insecure, then he's insecure, and it's not your problem. I wouldn't be with someone who didn't/couldn't/wouldn't trust me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm glad you have separated from him, as it sounds like it was an emotionally abusive situation. It doesn't sound like there's anything you could have said to convince him of something he didn't want to believe. I know I don't know him, and hope that doesn't sound harsh. But often people believe what they want to believe and no evidence to the contrary can change their mind. Instead, everything just further supports their position. I wish you the best and hope that you remember why you left if you start to feel sorry for him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

There is absolutely nothing you could have done to change this. More explaining would not have helped. He needs psychiatric help and he must decide to do that (or not do it). Love him if you need to but do not go back to him, no matter what he says (and he will likely say whatever he can to get you back).

Link to post
Share on other sites

The problem is you are taking responsibility for HIS feelings. That isn't your job. Being that jealous and insecure and controlling are red flags for abusive behavior. Asking you to be with someone else, agreeing to it etc and then turning it around to you doing "wrong" is another red flag. You did nothing wrong and you could have done nothing better. You did more than I would have. Way more.

In a relationship that is healthy, explaining as you did and reassuring is what you do. And then the person either trusts you or not. There is no controlling or you can't leave the house or you can't talk to people. There is no threatening suicide to manipulate you. These are all on HIM and not you.

Now, depression sucks. And I hope he gets help. But, making him feel better is not your responsibility. He needs a professional. Please don't feel guilty because of how he acted. You didn't cheat if he asked you to do it and was OK with it. You explained and he was left with trust or not. He chose not. That's not your fault.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...