Can anyone enlighten me? Asexual or not? So frustrated!

[iamGanymede]

Firstly hello! This is my first ever Topic!

OK, I am so confused right now haha. In fact I've been very confused for the past three years since I began my degree. In University you're almost expected to find 'someone' and I have had quite a shock at the amount of people who have taken an interest in me. In school you stay with the same friends so, at least for me, I didn't realise how appealing I was. But the problem I have runs deep and I have no idea where to start. But I will just tell you a little about myself in terms of relationships, gender, family etc. Excuse the length of this 'little' description haha.

I am 20 years old and have never had a relationship. The most activity I've had with anyone sexually is kissing, which I've never really enjoyed even though the idea appeals to me. I always joke that I was more interested in guys when I was younger; pre high school and about the first three years of high school. I developed quite a few crushes and attempted to go out with people (longest I went out with someone was for three weeks because he thought we were going out since I'd asked to talk about it). So I have experienced crushes. When I was 16 I was really into a guy at my local drama. When he walked in the room I felt really happy, but when we stage kissed (we were the lovers) eventually, I felt nothing. At the beginning of University as well I felt the same way about my flat mate. In the end he went out with another girl, and I knew he never felt the same way towards me but I know we wouldn't have got along as a couple. I still get excited when I see him though and I had a dream he broke up with his girlfriend and wanted to speak with me about 'us' the other night. SO I have felt SOMETHING. I also came the closest I've ever been to going out with a guy. I found him very attractive but as we got to know each other I kept finding things I didn't like about his personality (we wouldn't have worked) and, this is the weirdest thing, when i was slowly going off him I would ask other girls if they were into him and to go and speak to him when we were clubbing. SELF SABOTAGE!

When I was in my tweens I actually started to question my sexuality and identity. I was confused as to why I felt certain ways in regards to how I presented myself and so I thought I was into girls. And although I would not say no if I really loved a girl and to be honest the romantic side of it really appeals to me, I wouldn't say I'm sexually attracted to girls like I am to guys. Two years ago I finally started to come to realise that my sexuality didn't seem to be the cause of this odd feeling, but my gender. I like to joke that I have been 'destroying gender stereotypes since 1994'. My parents didn't limit me by my gender which I am eternally thankful for. Two years ago I discovered the term bigender and at first I thought "Finally I am closer to finding out whats going on in here!" but over this past year I have slowly come to realise I am more of a third gender which I like to call 'me'. I sway between man,me and woman on the spectrum, however mostly staying in the me section. As a result I see people as humans first rather than gender which I think gives me quite an interesting perspective as a feminist since I can see from a gender neutral mentality and I feel the affects of not being one or the other mentally yet being painted with the stereotype brush because I am a girl. Being pushed to conform to the genders caused a lot of grief for me in high school which I rejected. So my gender can change and that affects how I perceive and portray myself. I have just bought a binder. So I have that skeleton in the closet because I guess it worries me a little that only people fully aware and involved with the LGBT+ movement will be able to accept me.

I have always been fine in my own company and I have discovered that I am a little narcissistic. A healthy amount but I am completely comfortable doing my own thing and keeping myself entertained. Which makes me ask, well why do I need a boyfriend?

So even though I used to develop crushes quite frequently I never acted on them and now I rarely ever feel that way. However I can appreciate when people are 'hot'. I have sexual dreams but often what actually arouses me is essentially yaoi. But my own creations haha not seeing it in reality. I have rarely had sex in my dreams, the most being just sitting on a penis. And I have tried masturbating twice and nothing. I don't feel the urge to have sex normally, however I do get horny occasionally but don't feel the need to masturbate. A lot of people would put having sex and a relationship really high on their priority list but for me that's like more in the middle. I guess it's something I'm occasionally slightly interested in but mostly just feel it's something I'm supposed to do. If it was between superpowers but no sex for the rest of your life or sex and no superpowers it would be easy = Superpowers. I have watched porn, although only after forcing myself in desperation to see if anything would excite me but nope.

I've seen a lot of people on here say how their parents are not encouraging them to have boyfriends/girlfriends but MINE ARE! They ask me all the time! They're like Miranda Hart's mum off the show 'Miranda'. They keep saying 'oh just go on a date with him and see how it goes!' 'You're not going to marry him! It'll be fine!'. SO I do feel pressure from them, even though they think they're being supportive. I have told them this. If I was like most of the people I know, they're relaxed attitude would be PERFECT.

Now when I see a guy I find physically attractive what I tend to do is flirt like crazy and then shut off. It's like walls come down on all sides, mentally stopping me from feeling anything bar confusion. Which obviously is also a terrible reaction for them to have to deal with if they actually like me back.

I do not feel I could have a one night stand yet I also don't feel I want a relationship even though a part of me REALLY wants to.

So I am driving myself around the bend! It's very frustrating. I found out about Asexuality last year and I feel that I might be able to find answers and explore more here. Although I share a lack of sexual interest etc I don't really want to be asexual a) because of pressure and b) because I would like to be interested.

Now I have two guys into me one of whom I initially found attractive. I've never been in this situation before and it doesn't help that I have no idea what I'm doing or supposed to do.

This is a cry of frustration and a plea for some sought of help so I can start to figure out what's going on.

Thankyou for taking the time to read this ^_^

[I'd rather be in band.]

No one else can tell you what your orientation is. It's up to you. Do some more research and decide if the label fits you. Even if it does, you don't have to use it if you don't want to! It's all up to you. Good luck and welcome to AVEN. I'm sure you'll like it here.

[iamGanymede]

Thanks for the reply :)

I know it's really up to me but I just need to untangle the knot I seem to be in so I can figure out the cause and decide who I am. Does it sound similar to anyone's experience on here? I know everyone is different but I just need a little guidance. I feel like things are conflicting in my mind making me unable to decide what I want.

[I'd rather be in band.]

Well, you experience is slightly different than mine, but if you aren't sexually attracted to anyone, you're asexual. That's the definition that most AVENites use.