Little bit confused

[Akihara]

Um hi.

First of all I'm german so sorry for my language...

I don't really know how to start.

The last weeks I was researching for enlightenment about the many, many different sexualities, trying to find out what I could be. Didn't go that well though I'm still confused and got no idea.

I'm a 21 years old female. My friends are all like 'sex is the best stuff ever invented!' And I agree to them, cause I don't know how to tell them that my feelings about sex are kinda... Weird? I don't know.

As I first figured that I don't like sex I thought it was just a thing of fear doing something wrong. I thought with experience I would become just normal with the desire of sex ten times the week. But I couldn't.

I tried to force me (I was 16, I guess.) but everytime me and my then-boyfriend had sex or were going to have sex, I just felt uncomfortable, wanted it just to be over. Of cource he noticed. And after completely denying sex he left - of cource.

So there were years after and things didn't change although I tried to persuade myself that it would become better in future. I had a girlfriend, who is still my best friend and a new boyfriend but both relationships broke because of my behavior. I loved them. And we did have sex but I didn't feel anything of enjoyment or something like that. My ex call me prudish or asexual because I couldn't force me for long time. But I don't think I am asexual, though I do feel desire sometimes but rarely. But if it came to sex I just felt wrong and like I was wasting time. I don't like to talk about sex because I always feel uncomfortable and so I lie.

I have dreams about sex which feel good and I also masturbate sometimes - not often either. But I don't like the thoughts about sex with other people in real.

The last year I lived as single and thought that I don't want any relationships anymore, that I want to be alone for the rest of my life but that isn't true neither. I want to love and be loved. I also want tenderness and kisses. So... What am I? Asexual? Romantic, gray?

I just don't want to live a lie anymore. I'm afraid of community which is why I always act like someone I am not; I make dirty jokes and tell them I love sex. And I hate myself for the feeling of not fitting in. So I wanted to learn more about sexuality, learned things and words I never heard before and I wanted to talk to someone who could understand - that's why I am here.

I'm now sure that I don't want a normal relationship with much sex, maybe really really rarely or never. But does that mean I have to be alone?

My ex-girlfriend is still in love with me and I meet a lot of people who like me but I reject them, because I just don't know what to say about me and my sexuality though I don't quite understand it myself.

So um... Maybe you got some advice or just expierence you can share with me?

[Zapstileon]

Welcome to AVEN!

I can't tell you what you are, but a lot of asexual people want love and a lot of the people who want love also want kisses and sensuality. I, for one, wouldn't mind cuddles. I don't know about kissing, but I won't oppose them if they are not sloppy and wet (because, ew... wet kisses). I don't know what advice I can give you, other than that you need to do what's best for you. Society can be harsh, but I always felt it was worse not to be myself. Well, if you want to talk about it, I'm always open to PM's :)

Aside from that, I'm sure looking around AVEN will get you a lot of answers. That's what helped me most of all. Good luck!

[lycanrising]

Hey,

It sounds like you might be grey-asexual but then again, I can't say. The only person who can decide how they feel is yourself. But that being said, AVEN is a good place to gather thoughts and opinions.

One distinction you might find interesting is that the Asexual community identifies the difference between sexual and romantic desire.

Sexual desire is the desire for sexual interactions. So a heterosexual desires to have sexual interactions with a member of the opposite sex and an asexual doesn't experience sexual attraction. And then you have the grey/demi/lith sections in between.

But romantic desire is something different. That's identified as the desire to form a romantic relationship with another person. So in that way it's possible to not experience sexual attraction (asexual) but want to form a relationship with, say, a member of the opposite sex (heteroromantic).

Just like sexual orientation, you get romantic orientations to the opposite sex (hetero), same sex (homo), both sexes(bi) or no romantic attraction (aromantic).

Bear with me, that explanation is for a purpose - to answer your question as to whether you have to be alone.

Because the answer is no. There's no reason that just because you feel differently about sex than most of the people you know that you can't have a relationship where sex isn't the deciding factor.

I think it might be interesting, if you haven't already, to have a read on the AVEN wiki (http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Asexuality), you might find some information that really resonates with you. And if you have further questions, as always, feel free to post them here. I know that when I first came across asexuality that I did so through that wiki and it helped me significantly in understanding how I feel.

[Akihara]

Thanks for the replies. My feelings are kinda mixed right now so I never let anyone know about them and my thoughts. And there are so many terms like romantic and gray-A etc - I googled them and it seems like these words don't even exist in german.

Seemed pretty lonely but I'm glad I found AVEN. Here are so many members, so many explanations, that I don't feel that lonely anymore. And that's a good feeling, right? It's always good to hear there are people with the same emotions like yourself.

I guess I will continue to read the AVENS wiki and try to understand more about sexuality and about myself. I also will read through this forum, talk to other.

Thanks.

[lycanrising]

Interesting that you don't think there are words for it in German. I obviously can't say for sure whether that's true or not but interesting nonetheless.

And yes, not feeling lonely is good. And yeah, post and post away!