Amy Ghost Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Soooooooooo, I was kinda wondering about this. On one hand I've been arguing with myself if I should actually post anything, when I get so upset when I do anything similar. But this has been bothering me for some time now and I don't understand it. Each time I heard anyone has been pushed into doing it, otherwise threatened with stuff, I got even more upset. To the extent i get physically sick. But I don't understand it. Why would anyone do this. Why is it so important. That they put sex higher than a relationship. Why is it so much important than anything else? If someone could explain it to me. I really don't understand. And if you could use mild terminology for me, please. I got upset again. Sorry guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Earth Sprite Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Soooooooooo, I was kinda wondering about this. On one hand I've been arguing with myself if I should actually post anything, when I get so upset when I do anything similar. But this has been bothering me for some time now and I don't understand it. Each time I heard anyone has been pushed into doing it, otherwise threatened with stuff, I got even more upset. To the extent i get physically sick. But I don't understand it. Why would anyone do this. Why is it so important. That they put sex higher than a relationship. Why is it so much important than anything else? If someone could explain it to me. I really don't understand. And if you could use mild terminology for me, please. I got upset again. Sorry guys. One case is, that X has deep ideological belief, that sex is important way of self expression, and that he/she wouldn't be emancipated enough, whether he/she would not fulfill that dogma learned by his/her enlightened sex education in his/her own personal life. There are also other cases. E.g. he/she haven't got any other kind of sex education, at all, but by commercials and pornography only. These cases are both born in 1950's-1970's Western Europe. I know many of them. It is most possible, that younger ones, Russians, Chinese, Americans, Africans, some religious groups etc. would have quite different kind of civilizationally motivated backgrounds for that kind of behaviour. It is common. Unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
LenaLuthor Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I guess sexuals think that sex is the ultimate form of intimacy and to not want to engage with them in that level of intimacy means you don't truly love them (which is complete rubbish). It seems that some sexuals think that having sex is some sort of accomplishment, one for which they should be praised (which is also nonsense). Lastly, I'm sure some sexuals are more concerned with having an orgasm than a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Mycroft is Yourcroft Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 I guess sexuals think that sex is the ultimate form of intimacy and to not want to engage with them in that level of intimacy means you don't truly love them (which is complete rubbish). I don't think it's fair to dismiss someone's belief of what love is as 'rubbish', especially when that's all they've ever known or experienced. Most people still don't know about asexuality (and asexual/mixed relationships), and it's hard enough for lots of people to imagine love without sexual intimacy or desire even after learning about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Amy Ghost Posted November 22, 2014 Author Share Posted November 22, 2014 I guess sexuals think that sex is the ultimate form of intimacy and to not want to engage with them in that level of intimacy means you don't truly love them (which is complete rubbish). I don't think it's fair to dismiss someone's belief of what love is as 'rubbish', especially when that's all they've ever known or experienced. Most people still don't know about asexuality (and asexual/mixed relationships), and it's hard enough for lots of people to imagine love without sexual intimacy or desire even after learning about it. Yea, but people hear about it and still black mail their partners. Not all, but some do. And if sex is only love to them, what are the other gestures? I simply don't understand that Link to post Share on other sites
Ricecream-man Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 There are two major reasons behind it so far as I know. 1. They believe that sex is the apex of a relationship and also the measure by how good a relationship is. You see articles everywhere talking about how "if the sex isn't good, the relationship isn't good" or things of a similar nature. It's also seen as, if your partner isn't willing to have sex with you then he/she/? isn't willing to have sex with you then they don't really like you or are cheating on you. 2. They're not actually interested in the person but rather what they represent Link to post Share on other sites
Ricecream-man Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 I guess sexuals think that sex is the ultimate form of intimacy and to not want to engage with them in that level of intimacy means you don't truly love them (which is complete rubbish). I don't think it's fair to dismiss someone's belief of what love is as 'rubbish', especially when that's all they've ever known or experienced. Most people still don't know about asexuality (and asexual/mixed relationships), and it's hard enough for lots of people to imagine love without sexual intimacy or desire even after learning about it. Yea, but people hear about it and still black mail their partners. Not all, but some do. And if sex is only love to them, what are the other gestures? I simply don't understand that I think Mycroft is just saying it's wrong to dismiss an entire group of people like that. Link to post Share on other sites
WünderBâhr Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 I wouldnt assume that all sexuals view sex the same way within relationships, but I do understand the frustration when libidos/ideas of frequency do not match up between partners. For someone who sees sexual intimacy as a bonding experience, it would be understandable that they would pursue sex with their partners. To them, it would be a pleasurable and reasonable request to make, as romantic gestures would be for some romantics. No one should feel forced to do something they don't want to do, of course, but describing it that way is not that simple for every situation. For example, let us say that, hypothetically, there is a sexual-asexual couple. The sexual enjoys sex as a bonding (mentally/emotionally/physically) experience and wants to feel closer to their partner. The asexual does not feel that way about sex, and would rather focus on non-sexual emotional/intellectual (and yes, even other form of physical) intimacy. Both have their "needs" and would probably focus on making sure that those needs are being met to maintain a successful relationship. However, the use of the word "force" could "technically" apply to both sides, depending on perspective. Should the asexual feel required to 'give in' to sex in order for the sexual's needs to be met? Should the sexual feel they have to go without an important part of how they view intimacy for the sake of not troubling their asexual partner? Either individual could feel a sense of sacrifice or being forced to do something they would otherwise not consider because of how they identify and what they personally feel they need. Compromise is one result. Each couple would then need to figure out exactly where their boundaries lie when it comes to their needs and willingness to meet their partner's needs. This would require honesty with each other as well as themselves. That being said, it is not okay to force someone to do something they are clearly uncomfortable with, even after discussing each other's needs. Partners should respect each other's boundaries, as they would want theirs to be respected. Like...a golden rule of partnership. If they cannot come to a working compromise, then that is something they need to look into whether or not the relationship is sustainable. It is something that anyone in a relationship would have to do, regardless of orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
pittiechick Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 As someone who has been with a VERY sexual person for 10 years I can write a little on this. My boyfriend is a very physical person, he loves sex, and he would have it 5 times a day every day if he could. But he says he only feels this way for me - it's more of an intimacy/love kind of thing. And when we go long periods of time without sex (because well, I think I'm asexual) he can get depressed and he feels like our relationship is failing and I don't love him, etc. etc. He always says he doesn't need the orgasm, it's not about that as an end result, but it's about the closeness and being that intimate with a partner. He also always want to touch me or reciprocate, as a way of showing his love and making me happy and he gets sad when he can't. But what he doesn't understand is that I don't want reciprocation and am perfectly happy without it. So right now I'm in this place of deciding how I want to approach him with me thinking I'm asexual, because I'm pretty sure it might end our relationship. I have sex with him once a week or like every two weeks, but mainly out of obligation and to make him happy. Occasionally I'll eventually get into it and feel arousal, but for the most part I'm indifferent towards it. I'm pretty sure he knows this but I'm afraid he thinks it's personal towards him and our relationship, when I'm just starting to realize myself that I think I'm just in this asexual spectrum. Link to post Share on other sites
Amy Ghost Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 It's not like I'm shaming people who have it as a part of intimacy. At least I hope I'm not. That wasn't what I meant. And I'm not talking about usual relationships where both sides get to an agreement and both give full consent. What I meant by this topic is with people decide to push their partners into something the don't want. I don't understand why would anyone do such thing. Though I admit that I also don't understand that people get upset even if they are told what it is about. It just seem silly to me Link to post Share on other sites
Smmk Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Interesting, I've been wondering the same thing. So I have asked my partner about it and he said that sex is something fundamental in our relationship and stated that it is similar to the way we have deep interesting conversations. If the sex or the conversations went away something in our relationship would change, possibly in a negative way. I liked the comparisation he made, but still don't understand why he seems to think having sex and having a good conversation are in the same category. I would not miss sex at all, while it would be quite the contrary with our conversations :P Link to post Share on other sites
Amy Ghost Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 Is it just me or do more aces thing this way, that seeing sex as fundamental for a relationship is odd. I mean, it should be build on so much more important things. Link to post Share on other sites
pittiechick Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 That's how I feel. All the other aspects of a relationship are important to me, not the sex. But for some the sex and intimacy is the most important. I guess it's hard to understand them and they find it hard to understand how we feel. Makes it a little complicated! Link to post Share on other sites
Notte stellata Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Is it just me or do more aces thing this way, that seeing sex as fundamental for a relationship is odd. I mean, it should be build on so much more important things. For most sexuals, sex is a very important aspect in a relationship. There's no use arguing what is and isn't important, because everyone has different needs. And it's not just about sex. For example, I find it odd that some people require their partner to share their musical tastes, because that's not important to me at all. But I accept that some people find it important. If someone doesn't see me as a potential partner because of different musical tastes, so be it. Link to post Share on other sites
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