Importance of coming out...

[spoidersquiggle]

Personally, I've come out to a few friends and my brother (he's really involved in the queer community :) ). I'm always afraid I'll be judged but usually not at all. People don't generally care. I tried to come out to my parents in a subtle way, but they were kinda disbelieving and invalidating. No surprise though. I'm confused why I even wanted to come out to them.

Overall, I'm pretty good at 'appearing' allosexual to other people, such as acquaintances. I'm afraid because as of now, its not really viewed or known as an orientation. Eh. I feel like I'm lying though. I kinda feel like I'm betraying my values, but at the same time, I really don't see how its important to come out to people I have a casual platonic relationship with.

That being said, I definitely see value in 'coming out of the closet'. When someone has an identity that's important to them, especially one where there's little education about, one is compelled to come out. I mean, its part of who one is, and its important if one is to form deeper friendships with people. This is my personal opinion, and is in no way the 'correct' way of viewing this subject, of course.

Wondering if peeps think about coming out, and if they're happy with the results of what they personally do. :)

[Conscientious Ghost]

Out of all of the identities I came out with, being asexual was the least negative, rejected experience. People may think I haven't possibly found the right people, but they didn't invalidate me. Some of them, which they are my close friends, were glad to accept me and joke around how they see an attractive person and desire to sleep with them whereas I see that attractive person and I'll probably compliment their outfit (and steal their wallet). Although I do struggle with understanding how one can feel sexual attraction, it's welcoming that I can be myself.

[Fruity<3]

Uhhh, it's mixed for me. The people that didn't accept/ support it have gotten over it with time. I came out to guys that were interested in relationships with me, and dudes I wanted to leave me alone. Those were the most difficult because they think they can change me _._ All in all though, I've liked other people knowing, so I can actively bring things up that pertain to my sexuality.

I'm not in the closet about my sexuality. I'd tell anyone who asks, but not everyone knows. I kinda wish I told all my guy friends/classmates so they'd collectively stop trying to sleep/ have a relationship with me. But I'm nervous they won't understand or treat me completely differently. Yup yup.

[Breathing....]

I came out kinda to one friend. I feel kinda bad about coming out to that friend before others but, in that moment, I knew she'd understand and not judge so I went with it and it went well. That said it also showed me I wasn't ready to be out to all... I couldn't just say 'I'm asexual.' I had to take a few minutes to build up to just showing her the AVEN explanation. I'm just not ready.....but I can't pinpoint why.

I do feel like I'm lying (by omission) to some of my closest friends and I've built up to it and then last second decided not to. Even though I don't think it'll come as a shock (to those who've heard of asexuality) because it didn't occur to me to pretend that I was allosexual to my very close friends.

I feel like I'm not doing my part in spreading awareness....

I don't think I'll be telling my family for the exact reasons you've listed they won't believe it's a thing or that it applies to me....they think I'm gay and I'm pretty sure there's very little aside from having a very sexual relationship with a guy that's change their minds. They'll just think I'm trying to climb further into one closet rather than out of another. :/

[dygrox]

I come out partly to increase visibility but also I hate pretending I'm something I'm not. If i come out to someone its because of a comment they made or because its somehow relevant to a conversation or because they asked why i wear a black ring (except for a few friends and my parents who I came out to soon after i was comfortable with the label), which means that fairly few people know that I'm ace (and aro) even though I don't hide it.

[Aworld]

I have come out to some people so far, mostly just friends. I did it because I wanted to be able to completely be myself around them and not have to act like I'm interested in what they're talking about if I'm not, and I don't want them assuming that I'm going to be a certain way when I am in fact very different. In one case, I also did it to raise awareness, since I felt like these were accepting people who would want to hear about something like asexuality and be more educated. So to me, coming out is important. I just don't want expectations on me that I'm never going to achieve.

(Actually, every single person I've come out to so far has said that they're not surprised that I'm ace. I didn't think I had been that obvious about it!)

[aka]

I've lost count now how many I have told (its between15 and 20 people I think)

I explained in another post why I came out but simply it was because I was tired of thinking other people were talking about my lack of relationships and/or thinking I was somthing other than Demi-bisexual

I had actually started to think about comming out a few weeks before I found demisexuality but it was a couple of days before that I tried to tell someone but didnt have the labels to describe it

[butterscotchwm]

Wow I completely relate to this. I've come out to all my close friends and significant other. I tried coming out to my mom, but she didn't believe me (of course.) I never came out to my dad, but he seems to be much more understanding of queer orientations, unlike my mother... I posted a Ted Talks about asexuality on facebook once, and my dad liked it and commented O______O Basically he was just interested in the idea, and didn't question the legitimacy of it or anything.

The only other person I tried telling was my brother - at first I just told him about what it was. His response was not very encouraging... He was basically just like "Why the fuck should I care?"

It sucks when your friends are so much more accepting of you than your own family, but... Such is life.

The only reason why I wanted to come out to my mom, though, is because she's a doctor so I thought she should know :( She told me that she's even had patients who told her they were asexual, and she sent them straight to psychiatrics.

[My alias]

Any sort of coming out has only shown to be a burden, it is far less important to me weather or not they know who I am. Hell my best friend doesn't because in the end it isn't worth jeopardizing a relationship to tell anybody.

[Star Inkbright]

I happen to think as I talk, and I came out to my friends so that I could rant to them about all the asexuality-related thoughts in my head (which extends all the way over to things like the way sex in ingrained in society and the topics in the Hot Box on AVEN and how it feels to come to a Big Realisation In Your Life and y'know in order to rant about all that I sort of had to come out. :P)
My one big fear with coming out is that I'll work in in some number of months that I'm not actually asexual and that I was just leaping to conclusions and that really I'm just heterosexual and heteroromantic after all, and I'm rather scared of that happening because I'll just feel like such an idiot. :(

I haven't come out to my parents because I haven't really needed to so I didn't think it was worth the emotional effort. :P

[Xavy]

I have come out to over 10 people now. My relationship with all those people hasn't changed much since I came out to them.

[Maxx1128]

Coming out is definitely an important part of one's asexual identity to me. My first coming out experiences were very bad, and it had a huge effect on my sexuality, relationships, and happiness in general. Thankfully my later ones it was a better experience, so things are getting better.

Basically I first came out to my mom and sister, and they had a variety of negative responses:

• I don't believe asexuality exists
• you haven't met the right person
• you don't know what you're talking about
• AVEN is a cult (still can't believe my sister said this)

This made me seriously doubt my orientation, and go into denial about my sexuality. For over three years of my time at college. Wound up thinking I was heterosexual and bouncing between frustration with not being sexually active, and confusion over why I wasn't happy with the sporadic sexual experiences I did somehow have. Things just felt out of whack for me.

Then I rediscovered asexuality recently and got back in touch with my identity, and suddenly things got so much clearer. I even came out to a professor, the LGBT group on campus, and a new group of friends I managed to make. I'm very glad they've been curious yet accepting of my orientation, and it's made me a lot happier in general and less reclusive about it. Plus things just feel less out of whack, like some gear in my life is properly aligned at last.

So yeah, a good or bad coming out experience can have a major effect on your sexuality and even life, depending on how much that person's reaction means to you. In my case, it meant a lot since it was my family, so it had an especially strong effect that I'm still recovering from.

[Netoutcast]

I've just started on the 'coming out' phase too. Last night, my friends were asking one of those "Would you ____ for $____?" questions. And one of the questions involved "Would you do this girl for $500,000?" The girl mind you was aesthetically speaking nowhere near appealing (but of course different strokes for different folks), but the deal-breaker was her way of expressing her obsession with crushes, I'll spare the details. Anyway, two of them said they would do it, the third guy and myself said no. Both saw us as crazy, but then I replied, "He's got standards and I'm an aromantic asexual". The only reply I got regarding that was, "You're asexual?" from one of the 3 friends that were over, the other two didn't say a thing, and I said yes. And that was that, the remaining minutes they were there for were carried out absolutely normally.

So last night for me was a test of how to come out with my sexuality, and it worked; casual, not at all forced (the only thing I aim to fix is to not bring it up twice again, though the topic itself came up twice as well). Quite frankly, I feel this is the best way for me, it's a lot less stressful coming out like this (in the sense that I don't have to 'prepare' to tell others).

[Whispearl]

For me, coming out was important because 1. I started to feel like I was lying by omission, and 2. I'm trying very hard to be a bit more active in the community and spreading awareness and stuff and I thought coming out would help that a lot. It's a very important aspect of my identity, but I didn't wanna make a huge deal of coming out because I didn't wanna make it out like it was something I didn't feel open about. So I came out on Facebook somewhat casually and blocked the few adult family members I'm friends with from seeing it. Everyone reacted positively. Or at least, no one openly reacted negatively. It got more good attention than my stuff usually gets. So that was nice to see. But yeah, no one should feel pressured that they have to come out, but I felt that for my purposes that was the best choice.

[Beyourownspotlight]

I think it's a personal choice, and whatever people choose to do, be it coming out, or only informing the person they enter a relationship with (if they do have/want relationships), then it's all fine. Obviously as long as people respect everyone has the choice to decide for themselves, outting other people is bad. Putting pressure on other people is also bad. Shaming people for wanting to come out is bad. Just be respectful, and it's all fine.

Personally, the only people I've told since I've moved back to glasgow, has been people on Aven. I doubt I will 'come out' to anyone. It's a strange thing to me. I can understand some people think it's important, but to me it's my business, and mine alone. (That being said I'm still not very happy, or comfortable being ace, so that might have something to do with my opinion on coming out).

[AceInhibitor]

I've hinted to a lot of my friends (but then I also give the impression that I might be bi. I confuse other people about my orientation as much as I confuse myself) but I don't think I've actually come out and said the words 'I am asexual' since I started fully identifying myself that way. Some friends were talking about sex or ex-boyfriends and they joked about setting me up with someone and I said (not strictly truthfully) that I saw everyone platonically (I mean I don't see them sexually, anyway. I'd been drinking), and one of them said 'Maybe you're asexual' and I was like 'Pretty much' but I don't think they took it seriously. One of my friends (who I am 90% sure is ace but she's never outright confirmed it either) heard a lot of my ramblings during my questioning phase and I think during that time I essentially said I was probably asexual but not aromantic. But then I'm romantic and I don't want to date anyone right now, even though I feel romantic attraction, so I do wonder if I feel sexual attraction or not, it gets very confusing. I thought I knew but I'm back to questioning everything again so until I have a better idea myself I'm not going to properly come out to anyone.

[AceInhibitor]

Unlike most people on AVEN, I'm extroverted, and I came out to my friends so that I could rant to them about all the asexuality-related thoughts in my head (which extends all the way over to things like the way sex in ingrained in society and the topics in the Hot Box on AVEN and how it feels to come to a Big Realisation In Your Life and y'know in order to rant about all that I sort of had to come out. :P)

My one big fear with coming out is that I'll work in in some number of months that I'm not actually asexual and that I was just leaping to conclusions and that really I'm just heterosexual and heteroromantic after all, and I'm rather scared of that happening because I'll just feel like such an idiot. :(

I haven't come out to my parents because I haven't really needed to so I didn't think it was worth the emotional effort. :P

Me too. Except for the strictly coming-out part but my best friends basically know.

[Iyck]

So far I've only come out two to people I know, one friend and one family member, well maybe, kinda a second family member as well, I just heavily implied it to them. ^_^

I actually know a couple of people who I wouldn't mind telling, but I don't really just want to bring it up either, so I'll just see. Either way I'm pretty sure they will/would be cool with it as they are generally awesome and accepting of others. ;)

On the other hand I have one friend I've discussed stuff like sexual orientations with, maybe partly to test the waters, since I was already questioning my own identity. It was a rather frustrating experience, turns out she doesn't beliefe bisexuality really exists oh and she also questioned the validity of a gay couple she hardly knew. So nooo way I'm telling her my sexual orientation unless she outright asks me about it, which I'm sure she never will :o

As for others, I don't want random people I meet knowing my orientation, but I'm pretty sure some people I've met, could have suspected I'm asexual way before I ever came across the word. So it might not be such a big secret.

Anyway being out to everyone you know, would probably bring too much trouble with it. Not everyone wants to know or can accept it and a lot of people may not beliefe you, which would be really hurtful as well.

[hdfskjfsdshdsajfhaksd]

I've come out to my mom, my sister, and a few of my friends. The reactions have mostly been positive and accepting, thankfully. My mom and one of my friends were skeptical at first, and they were saying stuff like "are you sure?" but they've both accepted it now, and asked me questions and tried to educate themselves, and I am extremely appreciative of that.

I think coming out has different levels of importance for different people. I personally don't feel a need to come out to everyone I meet, but I'm not shy about it; if the subject came up, I would tell them I'm ace. The only people I'm hesitant to tell are mainly some guys in my friend group who wouldn't let it go, and who would make a bunch of amoeba jokes until we graduated. Also, my dad; I'm nervous about coming out to him, since he's homophobic and I'm not sure how he would react to me telling him I'm ace. He probably wouldn't even know what it is.

[Guest Sheka4]

I've come out to my mother, and while it wasn't a wholly positive experience some progress was made. I also came out to my closest friends and one of my teachers and they're all pretty cool with it. My friends are all pretty accepting anyways, so I jad nothing to fear when I came out to them, though I still have one friend who is severly convinced that due to my past "crushes" I'm not really ace.

[pale-landscape]

I haven't really come out to anyone. I'm not afraid to, I just don't feel it's necessary for me. I'll share it if I'm in the midst of a conversation where it seems relevant, but I don't really think it's most people's business.

[Ficulnean]

I'll let you know, when I get around to it. If I was lesbian, I would have already come out as I have a gay brother. However, as it stands, i've no clue how my family would react.

[Kuuya]

Currently only 3 friends know about me being ace, and it's been really easy for me thus far. I'm planning to come out to my family, but other than that it's gonna be a need-to-know kind of thing. I'm not going to feign interest in sex or lie though (I suck at lying anyway), so if someone asks I'll tell them. If they can't accept or believe it, it's not my problem, it's theirs.

Here are the short versions of my coming out stories if you're interested (don't get jealous about how easy it was for me ;) ).

Friend #1 knew before I did, so I have no need to come out to him.

I told Friend #2 over lunch, and her reaction was: "Oh, cool. So what about your... The... Ummm... What's the term? ...Oh! Romantic orientation?" Then we had a fun discussion about it, and the conclusion was that I might be panromantic asexual, and she's probably heteroromantic pansexual. Almost complete opposites. ^_^

Last, but not least, I told Friend #3 over Skype. She asked: "So you're not interested in sex?" And I answered yeah, to which she said: "I've been thinking kinda like that too." So I sent her a link to the AVEN frontpage and told her to browse for a bit. About 30 min later she concluded that some of the stuff sounded really familiar, and now I have a friend in real life that actually understands where I'm coming from. :D Neither of us had any idea about the other, but here we are. I mean, what are the chances? (I'm ridiculously happy about this, btw.)

[socks15]

I came out to one of my friends in tenth grade, and she told me not to tell anyone, which was really difficult, but after that we didn't really talk about it, and I didn't come out to the general public (my sex life isn't really their business?). Since then she's apologized, and we're cool now.

"Please don't tell people that you are asexual. I mean do if you are sure that you are. PLEASE don't feel like I am saying don't be gay or whatever (I know that you are not). Just say that you are pretty sure that you are asexual cause what if you like someone eventually, then people are like well guess she isn't asexual which just sounds like guess she isn't gay, or could possibly be again one day. I dont know. please don't feel like I am just saying don't be asexual hide it or whatever and I am probably completely wrong as I try to explain this, I just know how harsh high schoolers can be and I don't want them to treat you differently"

[R_1]

I haven't came out as it is no one business to know if I want to sleep with someone or if I have slept with someone. Why should that be of anyone's concerns?

Anyway, my mother thinks I identify as asexual, but she thinks I am heterosexual because masturbation is sex. Yeah, no...

[ACEchupacabra]

Honestly I barely even think about what people will think half the time. If something is true I usually just say it. One way it's happened is someone told me they were hanging out with a guy because they wanted to 'do it' with him. They asked me if I understood where they were coming from and I just said "I'm asexual, so no." I guess I just forget that things that make sense to me don't necessarily make sense to everyone else. But that's just me being weird.