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Would you be okay if this were to happen?


xSkylar

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I was just thinking about the #acestruggle today in the car, because that's where we all have our most deepest, philosophical, self-reflecting thoughts right? (Apart from the shower)

And I was thinking that it would be extremely hard to have a steady relationship with a sexual person because of the disparaging attitudes towards sex. Yes, the sexual person may be willing to compromise for the first few months or years and try celibacy too, but there is always a possibility of cheating to fulfill their sexual needs. So what if the couple comes to an agreement that the sexual person may do their thing with other people as long as there are no emotions and feelings involved? i.e. The asexual person is still their partner, they still go on dates and the like... but the sex is just something that the sexual person does as his/her own business. Is this even possible? According to some of my sexually active friends in open relationships, they sleep with other people but without any strings attached.

Has anyone been in a relationship like this? I know it sounds ridiculous, but as long as there is complete honesty and agreement, then both parties can stay together and work through the sex problem.

Now, I would not know how a sexual person normally thinks, so I'm just speculating over here. Thoughts?

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I don't know about other AVENites but I think I might only ever be comfortable getting in a "relationship" with another asexual/grey-asexual, if I ever do feel it's right.

I have my deepest thoughts while lying on my bed or curling up on my chair....

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Yes, open relationships happen and are possible. However, whenever you are adding intimacy, you risk emotions getting involved. So, it's a good idea to think through what would happen IF the person began to develop feelings for one of their sexual partners.

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I personally would not be ok with it with my own personal relationships, although I suppose I'm fine with if thats how others do it.

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I'd rather be in band.

I don't know about other AVENites but I think I might only ever be comfortable getting in a "relationship" with another asexual/grey-asexual, if I ever do feel it's right.

I'll have to agree with this. An open relationship is possible, however it's not for me, and I would therefore be most comfortable with another asexual. It's not that I hate allosexuals or anything - a LOT of my friends are allosexual - I just wouldn't date one because we'd have conflicting needs and wants. However, I don't speak for the whole community by any means. I'm sure there have been plenty of AVENites that have tried open relationships and are content.

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drjohnhwatson

I thought about it and thought I would be OK with being with someone sexual and letting them get their fill elsewhere, but that's ridiculous. I know I'd be insanely jealous and upset regardless, and there's always the chance they'd decide sex would be more important to them than remaining in a relationship with me.

That isn't to say that there aren't asexuals that have sexual partners who have this system and it works perfectly for them. That's also not to say that asexuals and sexuals can't pair off and have a grand ole time together. I just don't know if it would work for me, whether the relationship was closed or not. I, too, think that they might eventually stray or just break it off entirely. But you never do truly know how people will act.

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Amoeba-Proteus

I know some people do it, but personally, it wouldn't be for me.

Loyalty is something that's always been very important to me. And if a partner no longer wishes for that kind of loyalty, I'd like them to be honest with me.

Unfortunately, the person I was with for years couldn't give me that honesty when they decided loyalty was no longer important... But whatever...

After that, I wouldn't get into a relationship with another sexual person. I'd only consider it if they were asexual as well. I've gotten to the point where... "a homosexual likely wouldn't want to date a heterosexual, so why, as an asexual, should I want to date a sexual...?" :mellow:

But if it works for others, well, alright. Sounds risky to me, but your choice.

Edit: Another thought. I feel like most people, wouldn't want to bother being in an emotional relationship with me, and a sexual relationship with someone else, when they could likely get both of those things from another sexual person. Most people don't like to choose the more complicated of two options...

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Ricecream-man

I've met some people here and on other website that do indeed do that.

As long as you and your partner are able to emotionally handle it you'll be fine.

Just a warning though. Both biologically and psychologically, sustained intimate contact, particularly of a sexual nature, can create emotional bonds. I'm not saying it's impossible, just that it's difficult and it would require the right type of person on both sides of the relationship.

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Mm I see what everyone is saying here and I already had similar opinions (preferring to be with an asexual) but I guess I forgot to write that generally speaking, it is quite rare to meet another asexual. I for one do not know any asexuals in real life, so discovering this community is a big surprise for me!

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Annie Mali A.

Well, for me personally, I couldn't handle it. For me, a relationship has to be built on "exclusiveness" and "being special" and all that good stuff.

Sex, I think, is a part of that. I don't know if I could ever have sex; or more like, I don't know if I could ever "get off" with the aid of another person. But I would feel extremely uncomfortable if they sought this out in someone else. I dunno, it's kind of hard for me to understand it myself, but I wouldn't like that someone else was pleasuring them, even though I have no need at all for that kind of "affection".

I guess though, that there are plenty of other people who are perfectly happy with this kind of arrangement. But like everyone's been saying; approach with extreme caution.... :excl:

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Ricecream-man

Mm I see what everyone is saying here and I already had similar opinions (preferring to be with an asexual) but I guess I forgot to write that generally speaking, it is quite rare to meet another asexual. I for one do not know any asexuals in real life, so discovering this community is a big surprise for me!

I totally understand. A part of me still thinks that this whole website is all a lie and there's I'm going to get a message saying "You've been punked" before getting permabanned from the site. >.>

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drjohnhwatson

Mm I see what everyone is saying here and I already had similar opinions (preferring to be with an asexual) but I guess I forgot to write that generally speaking, it is quite rare to meet another asexual. I for one do not know any asexuals in real life, so discovering this community is a big surprise for me!

Ohhh. Yeah. WHOOPS. Didn't even think of that, haha. But then again, I have friends based all over the world; I don't have any that are local to me anymore. They were just high school friends I didn't have too much in common with, you know? I figure if I can make friends everywhere (and I've visited...at least nine people. I feel like I'm forgetting some. NO WAIT TEN. Haha. At least ten people, and for three of those people that involved staying on their couch/being with them for over two weeks for SDCC and travelling in 2012...), I can find a partner online and eventually we can come together. Whether that together be just a few visits a year at first and then permanent or permanent off the bat, I just don't know.

It is all a tricky situation to navigate, though, dealing with relationships. Especially if the person you're with is different than you in terms of sexuality to the point where you almost might be incompatible.

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For me I would be open to trying an open relationship but I know it would make me insanely jealous and would likely ruin the relationship. But idk who I would prefer to date since idk any aces irl and wouldn't think of dating online, so would likely just be content with being single and having cats if no one asked me out ever.

Though I'd like to clarify something. We're talking about a relationship where the ace is unwilling to have sex, yes?

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For me I would be open to trying an open relationship but I know it would make me insanely jealous and would likely ruin the relationship. But idk who I would prefer to date since idk any aces irl and wouldn't think of dating online, so would likely just be content with being single and having cats if no one asked me out ever.

Though I'd like to clarify something. We're talking about a relationship where the ace is unwilling to have sex, yes?

Yes, that is what I meant, where the ace in the relationship is most likely not going to have sex with their partner (although they can always change their opinion later on and find out that they are more demi)

And being single isn't a bad thing, and if you're content with that then even better! I definitely wouldn't mind having 30 cats either, but I think I'd also like a partner to accompany me while I try to feed them all.

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Some folks could do that, but I don't feel like I could.

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Certified Cake Decorator

I'd like that, however i can see the strain on my partner, who i'd really just want for cuddles, so i might try polyamory instead.

I really just want a permanent cuddle buddy...

Actually in a previous relationship before i knew the term Asexual, i had told my datefriend to find someone else if they wanted sex and then we could just have an 'intellectual relationship'.

Haha that's funny in retrospect!

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I have still not fully explored my poly side and everything I say may just be how I think I will feel when I finally enter a relationship... maybe I would feel different in different relationships too I guess I'll just have to take it as it comes and see what I feel when the time comes

but at the moment I think... to me an open relationship is more about trust, I personally do not want to feel like I'm restricting someone elses life and ability to love so at the moment I DO feel like I would be comfortable if my partner wanted to start a relationship with someone else

but this is EXTREMELY complicated for me to wrap my head around exactly what I would feel comfortable with as I am infact fairly jealous of other peoples relationships (because I want to feel loved and do not feel that way at the moment)

so yeah I think if I was in a romantic only relationship I could feel comfortable with my partner getting sex from someone else... (well even if I was in a sexual relationship, but the original question was about a none sexual relationship)

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I personally wouldn't be okay with that because I value monogamy in my romantic relationships, however, I'm okay with whatever works for other people.

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I would not be happy with such a situation. It would make me feel extremely insecure.

If however I did come to be in some sort of a relationship with an allosexual, I feel it would be selfish of me to completely deny the other person sex if that is what they desired and craved. I would therefore try to agree a compromise situation where we meet each other halfway, so having sex, just not too often! The perfect scenario though would be a relationship with another ace.

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I would be OK with an open relationship if sex weren't an emotionally intimate thing. But I'm a monogamous and exclusive person, so anything outside of our relationship that is more intimate than a close friendship (for my partner or for myself) is out of question.

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Conscientious Ghost

Although neither romantic nor sexual relationships interest me, I'm open to the idea of polyamorous relationships. I don't mind having multiple partners, and they're free to fulfill their sexual desires as long as everyone in relationship knows and trusts the other individual who they will do together. I don't like the idea of being owned or owning someone. That's restricting to me.


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I actually vastly prefer this to monogamy. :)

R. and I have had an open/poly arrangement from day one. She's free to be with other partners - both sexually and emotionally intimate; I wouldn't want it any other way. It's not my job to limit whom else she can love, and how she should be able to express that love. Monogamous relationship models aren't something I'd ever agree to.

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Personally, I don't think it'd work for me. If I wanted an open relationship, I'd have to find a partner who can easily separate sex from love and intimacy. Someone who's had lots of casual sex would be "better" in that case. The problem is that I'm not particularly fond of having a partner who's ""promiscuous"" (for lack of a better word -_-).

Besides, I've seen a lot of double standards regarding some people's view on sex. On one minute, they act as if sex is just a meaningless, casual hobby; on the next, they treat sex as if it's one of the most loving and intimate experience someone can have. o.O So I don't know what to believe and, therefore, I'd have a bit of trouble understanding and trusting someone in an open relationship.

However, even though I'm mono, I think I'd prefer polyamory over O.Rs (as long as sex is not required of me)... in fact, I'm even considering if I prefer polyamory over monogamy. Who would've thought? :P

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butterflydreams

While I'd certainly be open to trying it, mostly for the experience, I'm not sure this would work for me long term. I imagine I'd be willing to do sex in a relationship at least to some degree, especially relating to my partner's enjoyment. I wouldn't get much out of it, but if they did, I'd try my best.

If I was at least offering that up, I'd feel kind of bad if they felt they still needed more. It would probably mean we wouldn't work out.

Grr, it's so frustrating to not have had sex, since I just have no idea how I feel about it. I can imagine hypotheticals all day, and for the most part, there's a repulsion, but I feel like I have to try before I can know for sure. Even if I'm expecting to be let down.

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I'd like that, however i can see the strain on my partner, who i'd really just want for cuddles, so i might try polyamory instead.

I really just want a permanent cuddle buddy...

Actually in a previous relationship before i knew the term Asexual, i had told my datefriend to find someone else if they wanted sex and then we could just have an 'intellectual relationship'.

Haha that's funny in retrospect!

Yes exactly! Same here, I would much rather have a relationship where I can talk to the person about anything and everything and spend lots of time with them, but not go all the way. So maybe like a friends with benefits thing but the benefits is strictly just cuddling LOL.

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Though I'd like to clarify something. We're talking about a relationship where the ace is unwilling to have sex, yes?

Yes, that is what I meant, where the ace in the relationship is most likely not going to have sex with their partner (although they can always change their opinion later on and find out that they are more demi)

I don't think a person has to have sexual attraction to have sex, especially since many aces have sex with their partners without identifying as something else. I'm not arguing with you, but just wanted to point out the confusing where demisexual is used.

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Though I'd like to clarify something. We're talking about a relationship where the ace is unwilling to have sex, yes?

Yes, that is what I meant, where the ace in the relationship is most likely not going to have sex with their partner (although they can always change their opinion later on and find out that they are more demi)

I don't think a person has to have sexual attraction to have sex, especially since many aces have sex with their partners without identifying as something else. I'm not arguing with you, but just wanted to point out the confusing where demisexual is used.

(A)sexuality (or any sexuality) isn't about whether or not someone has partnered sex, it's about the feelings behind those actions, and whether or not there's an innate desire for partnered sex.

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hdfskjfsdshdsajfhaksd

Ehh, I don't really think I would be cool with it. It sounds like a good idea in theory, but I would probably be sad if I knew my bf/gf wasn't getting enough out of our relationship.

But I probably wouldn't get in a relationship with a non-asexual person in the first place, because I wouldn't be willing to have sex, and I wouldn't want my SO to be missing a part of the relationship that's important to them.

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