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Asexual or scared of intimacy?


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Hi guys,

I'm new to all this so i would love your help! Ok i recently learnt about asexuality and thought that maybe it related to me so i did a bit more research. I'm having a hard time figuring out if i am asexual because i'm almost 20 (female) and have never even had a crush (apart from celebrities). I've never really been interested in a relationship and on the rare occasion that i find out a guy likes me i immediately try to think of how i can tell them i'm not interested. Being a people-pleaser and not wanting to hurt their feelings i just end up frustrated and hoping that people would just not like me! My family is also strict in that i am not expected to have a boyfriend at this age anyway so not having a boyfriend has never been a big deal, i just don't know why i have never liked anyone at school or anything..

At school my friends would be discussing guys, muscles, tattoos and various pics of shirtless guys and i would always be quiet in these discussions because i didn't care for them and had absolutely nothing to contribute; waiting for the conversation to change to something else or just daydreaming..

For the celebrities that i do like, i don't think i have ever been sexually attracted to them...i have always liked the 'cute' guys anyway and i'm pretty sure I've never said anyone was 'hot'. Since I've never liked anyone, i don't even know what the different types of attraction feel like. The only thing i would think about is that i want to be 'close to them'. Even i don't fully know what this entails but it would be along the lines of just wanting to hug them tight and be near i guess. It's so hard to figure out if i am asexual because I've never had a boyfriend and back away when one likes me...(i also don't feel like i would be able to give them what they want physically).

What would be some of the signs for fear of intimacy? Am i supposed to sit and wait to like someone before i can even tell if i am asexual?

Sorry this is long, any thoughts are welcome :)

Thanks!!

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I think its not fear of intamacy; you have friends that you seem to value for their relationship, its another type of intamacy sure, but lets not assume somethings only intimate if its sexual--because by definition a lot of us here would never have validly intimate relationships, and to think that (I think) is off the mark. If its this one area, that speaks to it being an issue with sexuality more-so. This was the helpful answer.

This is the not as helpful answer; they''re not mutually exclusive. I fear intimacy because I have never had it, at the same time I want to have it and have close friends to call up. I don't conflate that with my being asexual though; I simply don't want that. So, the helpful bit is that if it is both, you'll probably know like me and that you're asking this question shows you actually are fine with intimacy, just of a different type.

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I think its not fear of intamacy; you have friends that you seem to value for their relationship, its another type of intamacy sure, but lets not assume somethings only intimate if its sexual--because by definition a lot of us here would never have validly intimate relationships, and to think that (I think) is off the mark. If its this one area, that speaks to it being an issue with sexuality more-so. This was the helpful answer.

This is the not as helpful answer; they''re not mutually exclusive. I fear intimacy because I have never had it, at the same time I want to have it and have close friends to call up. I don't conflate that with my being asexual though; I simply don't want that. So, the helpful bit is that if it is both, you'll probably know like me and that you're asking this question shows you actually are fine with intimacy, just of a different type.

I see what you mean, i also agree that intimacy is not only sexual in nature. I think it may just be the fear of being intimate because i have never had it, like you said. I don't want sexual intimacy, as far as i know, i just think that when you find someone you really like, who knows if you find you actually are fine with it and that's why i am not sure because i have never been in that position. However if i was to go off what i do know now, i would have to say i have no sexual attraction.

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I don't have fear of intimacy but fear of sex. I too felt just like you in my teenage. As years passed things became more and more clear specially when guys started talking to me about their sexual interest in me. This made me certain that I'm ace

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I also don't think it's fear of intimacy, you are just looking for someone who is unique, not typical one. I'm the same. I'm not afraid of intimacy but nowadays sex culture grosses me out. There is almost no sensual connotations all is body centered.

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What about removing all eye contact when i see a guy looking at me? I don't know if i do that out of fear of them then initiating conversation or even just thinking that i am interested or just because i know that i don't want anything from it..

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At school my friends would be discussing guys, muscles, tattoos and various pics of shirtless guys and i would always be quiet in these discussions because i didn't care for them and had absolutely nothing to contribute; waiting for the conversation to change to something else or just daydreaming..

Hah! Totally me, but on the other side of the spectrum. When my friends would talk about women they felt were "hot," I was always confused. It was something I couldn't relate to, yet it seemed almost everyone had this intrinsic knowledge of it. It made me feel out of place. Not in a bad way, but in a way in which I wanted to learn more about myself.

For the celebrities that i do like, i don't think i have ever been sexually attracted to them...i have always liked the 'cute' guys anyway and i'm pretty sure I've never said anyone was 'hot'. Since I've never liked anyone, i don't even know what the different types of attraction feel like. The only thing i would think about is that i want to be 'close to them'. Even i don't fully know what this entails but it would be along the lines of just wanting to hug them tight and be near i guess. It's so hard to figure out if i am asexual because I've never had a boyfriend and back away when one likes me...(i also don't feel like i would be able to give them what they want physically).

The first "celebrity" that drew me in was Hayley Williams. I love the way she expresses herself in her music. Absolutely nothing about her is sexually attractive to me, as with everyone else. I feel a different kind of attraction. I feel like being friends with her. Everyone seemed to think I wanted to "bang" her, but I couldn't understand why I'd want to even do that. I can't say a celebrity is "hot" because I don't understand what that is, and it's not an umbrella term!

My family is also strict in that i am not expected to have a boyfriend at this age anyway so not having a boyfriend has never been a big deal, i just don't know why i have never liked anyone at school or anything..

Very similar, if not the same boat I was in as well. I'm thankful for not having parents that wanted to try and push an intimate relationship on me. I've had a total of 2 relationships in the past. I can't say they were meaningful to me because I only did for the fact that society expected it. I didn't understand the concept of dedicating time to said relationships because I thought the last stop was simply just having someone to call a boyfriend of girlfriend.

What would be some of the signs for fear of intimacy? Am i supposed to sit and wait to like someone before i can even tell if i am asexual?

Sorry this is long, any thoughts are welcome :)

Thanks!!

I personally think not having any interest in dating, or intimate relationships can be a sign of aromanticism. When it comes to labels, that's something you have personally agree with. Our definitions of labels may vary slightly. Some people see hugging/kissing is romantic, and some don't see it that way. If you think a label fits you, wear it! :cake:

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Sex and intimacy are not always linked together, so avoiding sex/romance for whatever reason does not necessarily imply a fear of intimacy. There are people who want sex, but no intimacy, and this usually manifests itself in one night stands, or hookups. Or sometimes patronizing a prostitute. I tend to think that sexual people with a fear of intimacy tend to find some way to satisfy that sexual urge. Asexuals are capable of intimacy. The problem is finding someone who can also separate sex from intimacy with whom you can feel comfortable, either another asexual or someone willing to work with you. For now, just relax and don't worry too much about this. All in due time.

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Thank you every one who replied :) I understand intimacy comes in many different forms and not only sexual. I guess i was concerned about advances being made in a relationship that led to a more sexual nature. For example a relationship could start of cuddling, kissing etc and your partner making advances over time towards a more sexual nature. This was more-so a worry before as i wasn't aware of asexuality and so i didn't feel like a had a 'reasonable', or proper, reason to give if the situation arose as to why i didn't want that type of intimacy. But i guess that's where you would make it known to your partner in a way you're comfortable.

I know, everything is a process that takes time.

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Am i supposed to sit and wait to like someone before i can even tell if i am asexual?

This is a difficult question and I wish I had an answer. Asexuality can manifest in so many different ways, and most of us aren't born with advance knowledge of where we will fall on the asexual spectrum. I'm not fond of the idea that we simply have to thrash things out through failed relationships before we understand ourselves well enough to know the nature of the emotional (or sexual) support we can offer a partner, and what our own needs are. I wish there was a less messy and time consuming way to find out.

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