Asexual Virgin

[Darkhorse]

So how do you desire or have sex when your totally not interested in it? Some people tell me how can I not be interested if I never had it. Or once I lose my virginity and experience sex for the first time a switch will turn on and I will want it more. I can't see myself wanting sex. I love my soon to be husband but I was never sexually attracted to him. The thought of sex turns me off and I have no interest in having it. But my fiance can't wait until the wedding so we can have sex and start our lives together. I just don't know if I could do it. I do get aroused, but having sex with him is going to be hard for me. Any suggestions?

[Skywolf]

Why do you want sex? And do you think having sex will be something that will upset you?

If it's not something you want personally...then I'm not sure any of my advice will seem very nice. It sex is something that you can't deal with, you might want to sit down and have a serious talk with your fiancee about it. Some aces are neutral, okay, or like sex...but if you don't, you don't. From what i've heard, there isn't a switch that turns on. It just might not be fore you.

I don't know you guys much of course, and a lot of things are different person to person and up to you to decide. I hope aces who are sexually active can be more helpful.

[truthisbest7]

I hope someone who is more sexually active who is an Ace can help here. Because I am married to a sexual and he is not a happy camper. He does not understand what is going on. I have not told him that I am an Ace, but I have a feeling that he wouldn't undertand anyway. I have explained to him that I have no sex drive and don't want to have sexual relations. But that I love him dearly. But he doesn't see how these two things can exist apart from each other. In his mind they have to exist together. So you need to talk about this now or live with the consequences, which may be a very unhappy married life.

[Ficulnean]

The question you started with is exactly why the reasoning of needing to have it to get it doesn't work; there's no stage at which that logical dictum that people fall back on when question asexuality actually leads to a first agreeable sexual encounter. It, to me, is a myth. The best approach to trying to have sex would be to wait until you feel a desire to. The best way to feel a desire to is possibly a hypothetical contruct, possibly not. Try sensual stuff first. Try romantic stuff. And at the last, try expecting it not to be mind blowing.

[PatheticGirl]

All sexuals believe that once we will experience sex we will be all gaga about it. But, they don't understand for some of us it can be a negative impact while for others it will be a feeling 'what a great deal in sex, i enjoy more in other activities'.

[MeansNothing]

But my fiance can't wait until the wedding so we can have sex and start our lives together.

Your fiance is aware of your asexuality, right? Which means (to him) that he will be in a sexless marrige for the rest of his life.

[Smmk]

A lot of people believe that you can not know you do not like sex if you haven't tried it. I disagree with this. I have never had sex with a girl and yet I am definitely sure I am not a lesbian.

I think you should talk to your fiancé and tell him what it bothering you. If you really don't want sex than nobody should force you into it.

[Darkhorse]

Why do you want sex? And do you think having sex will be something that will upset you?

If it's not something you want personally...then I'm not sure any of my advice will seem very nice. It sex is something that you can't deal with, you might want to sit down and have a serious talk with your fiancee about it. Some aces are neutral, okay, or like sex...but if you don't, you don't. From what i've heard, there isn't a switch that turns on. It just might not be fore you.

I don't know you guys much of course, and a lot of things are different person to person and up to you to decide. I hope aces who are sexually active can be more helpful.

My fiancée and I have talked about it. I'm not sexually attracted to him at all. I mean I do think about having sex with him since he does bring it up and says he can't wait for us to join together. But it's hard to describe how I feel about sex to him. I have all these emotions at once. If I do have sex I want to do it because it makes my husband happy.

[My alias]

If you honestly think you may not be able to do it when it comes then you should probably tell him before something like that splits up your marriage. And there is no way to "trick" yourself into enjoying or wanting it boils down to your ability to compromise.

[Darkhorse]

But my fiance can't wait until the wedding so we can have sex and start our lives together.

Your fiance is aware of your asexuality, right? Which means (to him) that he will be in a sexless marrige for the rest of his life.

That's what he thinks. I told him I can live without sex and don't see the reason to have sex if we're not going to have kids (which I don't know if i want kids) we have talked about this plenty of times. He thinks I can't say I don't like something I never tried. My fiancée thinks once we have sex a few times I will enjoy it and want it more. I don't think I will. I love him. Maybe he's right I don't know. He knows I get aroused and recently started being in touch with my body. But when I think of our relationship I don't think of adding sex to the picture. My fiancée does expect sex when we get married in a few months and I don't want to let him down or for him to divorce me over a sexless marriage. The thought of that makes me so sad. He doesn't guilt me into anything and doesn't want to hurt me in anyway. But he's willing to compromise with me.

[Darkhorse]

The question you started with is exactly why the reasoning of needing to have it to get it doesn't work; there's no stage at which that logical dictum that people fall back on when question asexuality actually leads to a first agreeable sexual encounter. It, to me, is a myth. The best approach to trying to have sex would be to wait until you feel a desire to. The best way to feel a desire to is possibly a hypothetical contruct, possibly not. Try sensual stuff first. Try romantic stuff. And at the last, try expecting it not to be mind blowing.

Thanks for the advice:) How would I know I got that desire? When I feel aroused? Even then I could just masturbate. Sorry TMI. And yeah I don't have high hopes for the wedding night. My future husband and I just want our wedding and marriage to feel special.

[Darkhorse]

If you honestly think you may not be able to do it when it comes then you should probably tell him before something like that splits up your marriage. And there is no way to "trick" yourself into enjoying or wanting it boils down to your ability to compromise.

I'm really trying to listen and maybe meet in the middle. It would break my heart that my fiancée and I would break up because we couldn't come to an agreement.

[Qwerty]

There's very few examples of non-sexual-until-after-first-time. A lot of that perception in the culture comes from simple learning - once you've learned how to do something then it's no longer foreign and scary.

I've heard other asexuals compare having sex to brushing their teeth. That makes it sound like a somewhat unpleasant bodily function. For myself, I compare it to playing a video game - it's fun but I don't spend any time thinking about the next game.

One thing to warn your partner about is that even if you do compromise, it will feel to them like they are doing all the work. They are the one to suggest it, to set aside time, to initiate the activity. That seems to be a turn-off for most. If your partner is willing to accept that burden, then the marriage will probably work out OK.

[dygrox]

All sexuals believe that once we will experience sex we will be all gaga about it. But, they don't understand for some of us it can be a negative impact while for others it will be a feeling 'what a great deal in sex, i enjoy more in other activities'.

I disagree that it is an opinion represented by all allosexuals, but they can definitely have problems understanding asexuality. I have never had that reaction to coming out but I'm aware that it is reasonably common.

If you do get that response then you can ask them why they identify as they do, are there sure about their orientation if they haven't tried all different types of sex?

[Amy Ghost]

I'd tell people who'd tell me "How can you know if you never tried?" that "And how can you know you are not gay since you hadn't tried with the same sex?" and I wouldn't care how it would come out. No one has the right to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. I wouldn't discuss anything with them. Either they can respect my wishes and what do, or don't do. Or they can remain in their ignorant bubble and brood about it till they get green. I wouldn't be in company of anyone like that. But that's just for me

[Blinkin]

Fot the poeple who told you a switch will turn on when you have sex: tell them the same will happen when they have sex with a different sex. So tell hetero sexuals that a switch will turn on when they have sex with someone of the same biological sex, it will make them homo- or bisexual accourding to their logic.

In other words talking about a switch is nonsense and means they're just ignoring the fact people can be different.

[Scottthespy]

I've seen a lot of people doing the "how do you know you're not into the gender you're not normaly into if you dont sleep with them" comparison on this thread...and I just thought I'd leave this short comic here for any one who wanted another fantastic comparison to draw on...its a great way of describing what the thought of sex is like to most of us becuase its something all sexualities probably feel fairly similar about.

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/9c/aa/58/9caa589b4428d6a00e18bced6c6ad92f.jpg

[ChaosKaosu]

If someone tells that you don't desire it because you have not tried it yet, is not really educated to give you any advice related to it.

[Eva]

One thing about me that people are going to notice is that I often answer a question with a question, LOL. For example, have the two of you talked about birth control yet? Talking about a very real aspect of sex like that might help with your discussions about sex and expectations in marriage.

[Scottthespy]

One thing about me that people are going to notice is that I often answer a question with a question, LOL. For example, have the two of you talked about birth control yet? Talking about a very real aspect of sex like that might help with your discussions about sex and expectations in marriage.

Although, it sounds like this guy is deliberatly ignoring anything that goes agaisnt his fervent hope that 'after trying it she'll like it', so talking about birth control might just make him think 'hey! she's into it now and wants to be going at it so much we'll need to worry about kids!'. Just from what she's said, he doesnt sound as though he's realy 'getting' asexuality. Talking about stuff that you need to do because you're sexualy active might just confuse the issue further. Its still deffinatly something to think about though.

[Jockey]

Don't marry him.

There's a good book I read called The Other Side of the Closet where people talk about being married to a homosexual who is not attracted to them. It doesn't tend to end well.

Mixed orientation marriages where one person is attracted to the other but not vice versa occasionally works, but when your fiance doesn't truly believe that you're not going to want sex, then he's not prepared at all for... you don't want sex (or at the very least, not with him). Having sex is unlikely to change that.

[Darkhorse]

One thing about me that people are going to notice is that I often answer a question with a question, LOL. For example, have the two of you talked about birth control yet? Talking about a very real aspect of sex like that might help with your discussions about sex and expectations in marriage.

Although, it sounds like this guy is deliberatly ignoring anything that goes agaisnt his fervent hope that 'after trying it she'll like it', so talking about birth control might just make him think 'hey! she's into it now and wants to be going at it so much we'll need to worry about kids!'. Just from what she's said, he doesnt sound as though he's realy 'getting' asexuality. Talking about stuff that you need to do because you're sexualy active might just confuse the issue further. Its still deffinatly something to think about though.

We've talked about birth control. We also talked about kids as well. We both decided that kids aren't for us right now. My fiancée doesn't want to force me to have sex. He said that we can take our time with it since we have the rest of lives to explore each other. We don't have to do everything in one day. But he also doesn't want to be in a marriage without sex.

[Darkhorse]

Don't marry him.

There's a good book I read called The Other Side of the Closet where people talk about being married to a homosexual who is not attracted to them. It doesn't tend to end well.

Mixed orientation marriages where one person is attracted to the other but not vice versa occasionally works, but when your fiance doesn't truly believe that you're not going to want sex, then he's not prepared at all for... you don't want sex (or at the very least, not with him). Having sex is unlikely to change that.

It's going to be hard for me not to marry him. I do love him. I don't want to break up over not having sex. It's true that I don't want sex, and I see no point in doing it. I've dated other men and they immediately left me when they either found out I don't believe in sex until marriage or when they did tell me they will wait with me and told them that I don't understand why people have sex at all except to create babies. My fiancée did stay with me and waited with me and respected some boundaries of mine. I too thought that when I found someone special a switch would turn off but it never did. I get aroused, which my fiancee thinks is a sign but still sex isn't on my mind with him. I like the book you recommend. I guess asexuality is like a homosexual being married to a person of the opposite gender. I'm an asexual getting married to a person with a sex drive and views sex as apart of a marriage. I view sex as something that's not a needed unless creating life even though my church preaches about sex being a requirement in marriage. I'm lost on what to do.

[Sally]

My fiancée doesn't want to force me to have sex. He said that we can take our time with it since we have the rest of lives to explore each other. We don't have to do everything in one day. But he also doesn't want to be in a marriage without sex.

Doesn't that explain something to you? He doesn't want a marriage without sex, and you don't want a marriage with sex. Are you willing to get married knowing that he's waiting for you to finally want sex?

[Ficulnean]

The question you started with is exactly why the reasoning of needing to have it to get it doesn't work; there's no stage at which that logical dictum that people fall back on when question asexuality actually leads to a first agreeable sexual encounter. It, to me, is a myth. The best approach to trying to have sex would be to wait until you feel a desire to. The best way to feel a desire to is possibly a hypothetical contruct, possibly not. Try sensual stuff first. Try romantic stuff. And at the last, try expecting it not to be mind blowing.

Thanks for the advice:) How would I know I got that desire? When I feel aroused? Even then I could just masturbate. Sorry TMI. And yeah I don't have high hopes for the wedding night. My future husband and I just want our wedding and marriage to feel special.

Ah, I should point out that this isn't a recomendation for how to change yourself or suddenly learn to desire sex, merely a way to get yourself to compromise the best with low expectations. But, I'll stillanswer in the spirit you asked; think about it like getting yourself to like a chore. You're reward isn't more of that chore. If you and your future husband really like a certain activity together, try to pair that with sex as a reward. The recomendations as to sensual and romantic stuff is essentially to see where your line is.

[Darkhorse]

My fiancée doesn't want to force me to have sex. He said that we can take our time with it since we have the rest of lives to explore each other. We don't have to do everything in one day. But he also doesn't want to be in a marriage without sex.

Doesn't that explain something to you? He doesn't want a marriage without sex, and you don't want a marriage with sex. Are you willing to get married knowing that he's waiting for you to finally want sex?

I don't know. This is all confusing for me. All these feelings, fears, doubts. Of course I'm scared to have sex. First I never had sex before and heard horror stories of pain both emotional and physical. Then i don't know how I'll react to sexual intercourse. How will my body react to it? How do I have sex when I'm not sexually attracted to my future husband. It's like I'm broken or something is wrong with me. I was raised that as soon as I found my soul mate it would be hard to contain myself since we're suppose to be attracted to each other. Then we can express that attraction through marriage. Now I'm confused on what to do. My pastor said marriage is give and take. Two people have to compromise and meet in the middle. I guess I can do that. I'm still not sure though. It's just great that there's no pressure from my fiancée to engage in sex right away but I do know eventually he's going to want sex from me. I just don't know how.

[Darkhorse]

The question you started with is exactly why the reasoning of needing to have it to get it doesn't work; there's no stage at which that logical dictum that people fall back on when question asexuality actually leads to a first agreeable sexual encounter. It, to me, is a myth. The best approach to trying to have sex would be to wait until you feel a desire to. The best way to feel a desire to is possibly a hypothetical contruct, possibly not. Try sensual stuff first. Try romantic stuff. And at the last, try expecting it not to be mind blowing.

Thanks for the advice:) How would I know I got that desire? When I feel aroused? Even then I could just masturbate. Sorry TMI. And yeah I don't have high hopes for the wedding night. My future husband and I just want our wedding and marriage to feel special.

Ah, I should point out that this isn't a recomendation for how to change yourself or suddenly learn to desire sex, merely a way to get yourself to compromise the best with low expectations. But, I'll stillanswer in the spirit you asked; think about it like getting yourself to like a chore. You're reward isn't more of that chore. If you and your future husband really like a certain activity together, try to pair that with sex as a reward. The recomendations as to sensual and romantic stuff is essentially to see where your line is.

Thanks for the advice :) This sounds like a good plan

[Danni_B]

I'm kinda new to this asexual idea as I only discovered that I am like a week ago. I'm 19 (nearly 20) and had 3 relationships. The last and most recent lasted the longest (6 months) but as soon as she suggested having sex it went down hill. Being in a same sex relationship was hard enough but I still didn't know that I was asexual and so I had sex with her to keep her happy but I didn't enjoy it. Technically I'm still a virgin and if I'm honest to myself, I'm glad that I am and I don't want anyone to take it away from me. I like to kiss, cuddle and hold hands but as soon as it starts to go further than that, I freak out. I thought I was weird to feel this way, all my friends were talking about sex and partners as young as 14 but I have just never had any interest in sex. I'm so happy that I had the support of my family to help me discover what I am so I can move on from here :-)

[Nymra]

If you don't want it, you don't want it.

Please don't force yourself to like or want something you actually don't. It doesn't matter what others say but what you say.

It may be hard to understand why you don't like the idea of sex but others do. But you're not alone. I for myself am still a virgin too and quite happy with it. I don't really bother with the sh*t others say about it. I don't force myself to like something.

Just dropping my opinion here.

[pale-landscape]

Sex can be enjoyable, even for asexuals. I've never been all that interested in sex, and my first partner kind of solidified the idea because it was so terrible (it hurt, he was impatient, etc.). But then I met someone I loved, and even though I never wanted to initiate, it wasn't all that bad when he wanted it. I wasn't really "out" as asexual at that time, so we never talked about it -- I kind of just went along with it because I knew he needed it. During sex itself it was okay, because I enjoyed being close to him. I just didn't want anything to do with his body, and that created some tension in the long term. Finally, toward the end of our relationship when I was closing off emotionally, I decided I didn't want a sexual relationship at all because even our once-a-month sex seemed like too much, and it wasn't worth it anymore.

But I think since your fiance does know your situation, and still wants to marry you, I would expect he'll be patient. My suggestion is don't do anything you don't want to do, take it slow, and most importantly: COMMUNICATE about it. It sounds like you have that part covered.