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I feel like a fake


xLiraelx

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First of all, I'm sorry this is so much stuff, I'm absolutely exhausted so it may not even make sense, I just went and did a brain dump...This is a ridiculous post I'm so sorry.

Ugh, idk. Please respond to whatever part of this catches your eye. I'm just such a mess...there. I went back and highlighted what I want ppl to take away.

I feel like a real fake sometimes, like no one else feels this way.

I identify as asexual, and I really feel like it's the right word for me, but I'm afraid that "real" asexuals would call me allosexual/say I wasn't asexual enough. I'm afraid I don't fit in.

I id as ace because I

-don't have a libido

-don't have any fantasies, never have

-don't have a desire to have sex at all, like the yearning other people seem to have. I don't feel like there's something missing.

-my body doesn't enjoy sexual stimulus from other people, and I don't find masturbation that enticing either. I did it to sleep for years, but it doesn't feel thaaattt amazing, and has tapered off to almost never.

for these reasons, which add up to a lack of interest or association with pleasure, I think I could be grey?

BUT I

-experience some attraction and have no problem with that. Like, I know what sexual attraction feels like. I'm conscious of it, and I want people to be attracted to me, but not in an adult way, in a sort of...teenager playing dress up way, if that makes sense. I want to be wanted, and I've learned socially to equate expressed sexuality with value. If I say that this feeling of wanting to be desired and excitement, like butterflies in the stomach, is sexual attraction, then I am attracted to most people, which makes me think that it's not.

-have rushes of intense romantic longing (but this doesn't last/I would be disgusted by reciprocation). The thing is, for me, romantic longing is tied up with this bodily sensation that some people might call sexual attraction. Very slight arousal and overwhelming anxiety bordering on nausea. At no point do I want sex, though.

-don't like to be touched most of the time, so maybe I'm just protecting myself from that uncomfiness.

-can see myself wanting sex someday, just not in the way that other people do. I just think sort of childlike about it. I would want it to be a one-time experiment, I would never want to have sex regularly. I am just curious about having new experiences. I sometimes like to watch/read about people who do like sex, because I find it interesting in the way that I like to research psychology. I develop an understanding of the mental processes, even if I don't share them. I feel like most people either desire sex or don't, and I'm sort of like, hm, I wonder what desire would be like, I understand what it would be like I think, I wonder what sex is like to people who like it, hm, I would like to find out through research and some experimentation. I have a curiosity, but not a desire. Like, I want to have a friend who is open to things like that without developing a relationship that revolves around it, bc that's not what I want, it doesn't mean as much emotionally to me as it does to "normal" people, I just want to try it sometimes, like a game.

OOH I have a good analogy! It's like, I get excited about when parties or holidays are upcoming, I want to plan what I'm going to wear and I anticipate it so much. But I do NOT like parties very much, expecially the loud kind. I am completely overwhelmed by real college parties and literally have no idea what I'm meant to be doing (well you're meant to drink, but I reaaaallllyyy don't like drinking) A quiet holiday with people I like would be nice, but it only needs to happen about twice a year. I like to write about how special it is more than I like to experience it.

and when I have had rare experiences where I have been touched sensually by someone I like, I do respond with arousal. I just don't want it to go further than, say, slow dancing or massage.

-honestly, I rarely leave the house, and I'm afraid that someday I'll realize that I was just repressed/too isolated

-also eek I have been mentally ill for a decade, mostly dissociation. In fact, it's making it really hard to write this post in terms of focus and anxiety.

I think deep down the reason I'm asexual is not that I lack attraction, it's that my brain doesn't know what to do with it.

I intensely overthink everything, and have sensory overload as well.

I don't respond to attraction by seeking a sexual experience or relationship. It doesn't strike me as necessary.

I never developed the social ability to initiate the romantic relationships that I used to crave. I can never definitively tell/believe that someone could think of me romantically. It doesn't compute to me that this sort of thing could apply to me. It bothers me.

I just feel that my attitude towards sex is so atypical, both in the sexual and asexual communities.

It's so hard for me to explain! It's such a mess! It's just like my brain is wired differently in a lot of ways.

I know I'm not autistic, and I think I've ruled out mental illnesses whose symptoms might include sexual indifference. I just don't feel like I think normally about it. I feel like there's something different about the way I process these experiences.

Do I sound like I'm just repressed? Does anyone else have a similar experience?


Oh my god I just published this and it's so freaking long I'm so sorry.

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Some of what you wrote seems like introversion to me. You might want to read about that, and about HSP as well, if you aren't sure what it means. I'm extremely introverted, and I don't like social gatherings either, and noise and chaos can feel overwhelming to me. But I do like clothing - not fashion so much, but clothing that feels like it reflects who I am. In fact when I was working in an office and being more social, I think clothing was important to me as a kind of shield.

A lot of us, I'm sure, want to feel attractive. I think that's a completely separate thing from being sexual or asexual. Every human I've ever known wants to be loved, appreciated, considered special and needed in some way, and to feel part of a group (humans are social animals, even if we're introverted). We also probably have some instinctive need to feel sexually attractive, though I'm sure that varies a lot in strength with different people. But it is a kind of survival instinct.

Your description of yourself seems asexual to me. But I'm not you. :)

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Ricecream-man

From what I read it seems like you could be lithosexual and possibly lithromantic as well. You like the idea of these things but you neither want, need, nor expect it to be reciprocated.

You also like the idea of these things more than the actual action. Does that sound right?

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Stop apologising =) I say this as someone who does it too much as well. I even have "please forgive me" tattooed on a shoulder blade. But really, you haven't got anything to apologise for. I don't think anyone will argue that this place is for exactly what you are looking for in your post, which is advice, reassurance, and comfort and security, so you've done the right thing to ask =)

I wonder if I "fit" sometimes, but I've been told repeatedly that what's important is how *you* feel, not what others *think* about you. (for the record, I think you fit your ID just fine, after all, check mine, at least you've found an ID ;) take everybody's advice, mix it with your own ideas about yourself, and see what comes out. We're all here to learn, about ourselves, and each other.

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Moonchaser

Well, I am definitely extremely introverted. I actually need people around when I work or I feel like I'm going to die/I don't exist (anxiety/dissociation at work), at the same time being around people is incredibly draining and I avoid it outside of work. Idk if I would say I'm an HSP. I came across it maybe a year ago and dismissed it as sort of a silly catch-all for introverted people who don't like parties...will do more casual research on that. Some things really do fit, but not everything. I would say I'm very sensitive, but that I seriously bottle that up. I can handle pain quite well and I internalize everything, when I'm overwhelmed my ability to process just slows or shuts down. I don't know if I'm emotionally reactive, I seriously do not know how to characterize my emotions or expression of them.

ricecream man, I like the idea of these things, but with sex, it just doesn't interest me. I know I don't like it, and I don't think about it unless it comes up, or I'm thinking about why I don't think about it. And I am probably just plain romantic, but the idea of a relationship sort of terrifies me and would also likely annoy me.

Oliyum, lol, I actually am really not apologetic much as a person...I just get really insecure posting personal things online...thanks for your words of reassurance

Thanks everyone.

I guess I just want to meet more people who are sort of different in ways that are similar to me.

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Ricecream-man

Ahh, sounds good to me. I'm pretty odd myself and I'd actually say that my version is pretty negative. Yours on the other doesn't seem like it'll harm anyone else so more power to you!

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I guess I just want to meet more people who are sort of different in ways that are similar to me.

This is a familiar feeling to me!

I've always felt like a bit of an oddball, a misfit, even when I was very young, before asexuality came into it. It's difficult to find where I fit in, in a group - usually it's out in the fringes. 8) I guess as I've gotten older I've just decided to not worry about fitting in or getting others to understand me, though I have my lonely days now and then. I've decided that maybe it doesn't matter so much whether people understand me as long as they accept me and don't try to force me to fit their mold. These days I just try to avoid people who aren't tolerant of differences, or who feel toxic at all.

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