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Need advice on how to open up to sensitive partner about my asexuality


GS75

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First, some quick background on myself. I'm not even sure if I exactly qualify as asexual. Labels can be misleading, and in any case asexuality has been mentioned as being a 'spectrum' rather than a 'check box yes' vs 'check box no'. So let me just say what my sexuality actually IS.

I would consider myself a straight 27 yr old guy. When I hit puberty, I found the opposite sex attractive, and I still find the opposite sex attractive. I've even masterbated before.

However, one thing that never clicked for me, was nudity. In other words, I've never found nudity attractive (bikinis? sure! A woman with jeans, a shirt, and a small amount of stomach showing? sure! A woman in underwear.. yes, but not any more than a clothed woman in a sexy outfit). I've always found clothed women, especially if the outfits are sexy, to be way more attractive than nude women. In fact, I'm very sexual in this regards, meaning my attraction is very strong. (hence why I'm not sure if I actually qualify as asexual).

But nudity is actually a turn OFF. Sticky bodily fluids are a turn off. (sorry for crude language, just saying it as it is), boobs, vags, buttholes, etc.. these private parts are major turn offs for me too. And its that way with every woman.

For the longest time I thought I was just 'late' in becoming 'fully sexually mature'. But at age 27, I don't think I'm gonna see much change. I remember one time telling my mom about this, and all she did was say "You just haven't found the right person yet". My parents do not accept, or even believe, in this asexuality that I have, which is very frustrating.

Now today, I am in a relationship with the woman of my dreams. I've been dating her for 5-6 months. She is actually someone I had a HUGE crush in high school (we went to the same school together), both sexually and romantically. I know she is it for me. She is who I want to spend my life with. We have so much in common, we get along so well, there is very strong mutual sexual attraction, and we make each other incredibly happy. We are like both best friends AND boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, she is very sensitive (so am I). And when she first mentioned an activity that involved us being fully nude with each other, I made the mistake of simply going along with it. We've done this twice now; and both times the nudity was a turn off. I did my best to please her, and convince her that I was also pleased; but she could tell I was 'forcing it'. She even pointed out that she thinks/feels like I find her more attractive in her clothes/underwear, than I do when she's nude.. and she's entirely correct.

So.. the lid is coming off the box already, so to speak (tension, some fighting over this), and I need advice on how to properly open up to her. Again I have to emphasize; she is very sensitive.

My biggest fear (possibly, hopefully irrational?) is that she won't believe me. That instead, she'll believe that I'm only 'making excuses' to 'make her feel better'; but in reality, I just don't find her physically attractive and that there is something 'wrong' with her body. I can just see her mind clamping down onto this errant thought and holding onto it like a pair of crocodile jaws.

I don't know how to convince her not to take it personally;that its not 'her'; its just me and what my own sexuality is.

On the positive side, I DO find her to be the most attractive woman in the world. I'm truly in love with her. When she is clothed.. when she is in her underwear.. etc; I find myself hugely attracted to her. So I am NOT unattracted to her... its very much the opposite! In fact, no one else even comes close. But there are so many people (my mom, possibly her friends at work, etc) would take from this the simplified and 100 % incorrect message that I'm just not physically attracted to her. Its very frustrating.

Also to note; I am willing to compromise - I don't MIND doing sexual things in the nude for HER pleasure. And when she is clothed, the pleasure is mutual. And I am, and would be, genuinely happy with this arrangement.

But what I can't do.. (literally because I can't..), is experience genuine pleasure MYSELF when engaging in nude sexual activities with her (all non-nude activities, yes). And this might be a deal breaker for her.

I hate being this powerless. But it would be fair enough for her to decide she wants someone who can experience pleasure in the nude thus maybe make her feel physically attractive in a way that I could not. Though the thought of this does break my heart. Its just very hard to think about.

Any advice on HOW to open up to her (taking into account that she is very sensitive and might take it as there is something wrong with her body, or that I'm not attracted to her) would be great. I already know that I NEED to open up to her. I should have opened up to her sooner.. I think the longer I wait, the worse it will be.

But given she's sensitive... are there any tips on how to word this with her? How to do this with her?

Any suggestions or advice, I would be greatly happy for.

I want to show her this post and these forums to convince her that asexuality DOES exist and I'm not just making crap up to 'make her feel better'... but she might get upset for "letting others into our business".. even if its online and anonymous.

Thank you so much for any advice.

EDIT: Would also like to point out; children are very possible and something we both want. Without going into specifics, there are ways I can full sex attractive..

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All I can give you is some crude ideas, I'm not sure if they will be helpful.

I would show her the site, but steer clear of your thread and instead show her other people's threads.

It seems you are very visually turned on by a certain thing, are you similarly turned on by auditory things or kinesthetic things?

There is a difference between sex and intimacy. It might be that your partner feels she can't be intimate with you. A lot of people connect being nude with being intimate.

There are kinds of ways to have sex, but I think you both are going to have to find a way of being intimate with each other in a way that works out for you both.

That's all I can think of, I hope some of the above helps.

Have a beautiful day.

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I agree with Argar. Connect your coming out and explanation with this site. Possibly with the Q&A on the main page. That way it might be easier for her to understand what you are talking about and what does it mean to you. Then of course to talk about the way of being intimate

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