Advice on coming out to my parents.

[Guest]

I want to go to the asexual meet up next year, but doing so would require explaining that to my parents. Basically to go I am almost going to have to come out to them, so I might as well get it out of the way well ahead of time to allow for everything to settle, but there is the issue of actually doing that. My Mom never really got over the stage of telling me "girls are icky" and still does sometimes even though I am 20. They know I am not really interested in dating at this time, but that is all they know. I am not really sure how they will react to it though. I get the feeling my mom will flip out and tell me to stop trying to be different and try and tell me to be normal again (even though 'normal' does not exist). My dad usually sides with my mom and when he does not right away she always pulls him in it. On top of that I am not the best at wording things with my voice. I am way better at it in text than voice, so that could become a major part of the issue if they say anything I am not ready for. My brother knows I am asexual, so he may be able to help, but I am not really sure if/how much help he will be.

I do not know what to do, and I would like some advice and pointers at the very least. Can anybody give me some advice?

All I have to go with right now is maybe pull them aside and just kind of tell them and then maybe show them the meetup site, but I do not know, I feel like it will know go over well. They still think homosexuals choose to be that way and will all burn in hell, at least last time I checked they did. It is not something I bother trying to discuss with them. I get the feeling they will react similar to my asexuality as they do with homosexuality.

[Frigid Pink]

I originally "came out" to my Mom via e-mail when I first discovered AVEN. I included a link to the FAQs on AVEN in the e-mail. I didn't make a "big deal" about it then, although it felt like a "big deal" at the time.

Surprisingly, I've treated it very casually since then, and officially "came out" to my stepfather while out at a restaurant earlier this year when I casually mentioned it and he was, like, "oh."

Pretty non-dramatic responses in both cases. I don't think my parents really care and I'm happy with that. I don't need their validation, anyway.

So, basically, I recommend being casual about it, not making a "big deal" out of it, and not doing it for the purpose of seeking some kind of validation.

I hope that helps and Good Luck!

[OttRInvy]

On top of that I am not the best at wording things with my voice. I am way better at it in text than voice, so that could become a major part of the issue if they say anything I am not ready for.

You might want to consider writing them to come out (e-mail, hand written note, w/e). This will also be helpful because it will mean you'll be able to let your parents know everything you want them too (in a conversation, there's the potential of being interrupted and not allowed to speak).

They still think homosexuals choose to be that way and will all burn in hell, at least last time I checked they did. It is not something I bother trying to discuss with them. I get the feeling they will react similar to my asexuality as they do with homosexuality.

My mother isn't AS extreme. She just believes that homosexuality is a mental disorder. And my dad's only opinion is that it's gross.

I actually came out to my mom without even drawing a parallel between how she feels about homosexuality and how she would feel about asexuality. I just knew that I was asexual, and my mom never told be asexuals were mentally disabled. I came out to her after I had spent a night of AVEN; I was just so happy to tell my mom about it, I didn't think. I don't remember her response (I seriously have one of the most boring coming out stories ever...). However, she'll frequently tell me now that I should wait before I label myself, people change, you'll find a guy someday, bla bla bla. With homosexuality, the response is usually "HELL!!!!!" Asexuality usually gets a "huh? That's not real!"

So yeah, I'd suggest written word. And showing your parents links is a good idea, too. I'd suggest telling them something like "This is what asexuals are. I am one. Yes, it's a real think: here's a link to AVEN. If you have any questions, feel free to talk to me." (Except obviously longer and more eloquent.) It's important you let them know that they can ask questions, because it's confusing for most allosexuals and your parents might react better to know that you're willing to discuss it. They're likely to react one of two ways to your letter.

One: They get confused/angry. They don't understand what asexuality is. They don't understand what this means about your future relationships. "Is my son going to end up alone? Is he actually gay but hiding it? How will I have grandchildren?!?!" If they come to you with angry, misunderstood questions, it's important that you're able to remain calm. And if they come to you with a question that you don't know how to respond to, it's best to communicate that! "Mom/Dad, I have an answer to your question, but it's hard for me to find a proper way to express it. I'd like to talk to you about it later, when I have my words sorted out." It may sound odd, but otherwise you can get into a crummy situation where you start sounding unsure and then your parents can say, "ah, you're just confused."

Two: They refuse it. Asexuality isn't a real thing. Maybe you're gay, maybe you're straight, but you sure as hell can't be asexual. You just haven't found the right one! AVEN? People make stuff up on the internet all the time! Our son is certainly not asexual. (Denial, denial...)

If you handle it correctly, reaction one can work out (or at least be in an amenable enough position that they'll let you go to the meetup). Reaction two is harder. You can try and enlighten them, but that usually makes them more hard pressed to deny.

I'd also like to note that I'm not an expert. Plenty of coming out advice on AVEN, so I'd suggest looking into that to!

[PatheticGirl]

Why don't u just send them an article on asexuality. Reading that they will know there is something called asexuality that exists in the world. And then you can tell them you belong to the group.

[Nymra]

I'm actually trying to find my own way how to tell my parents about my asexuality. It's making me nervous to talk with my parents about something like this. But I don't think that my mom would make a big deal about it, she'd probably ask me how this is even supposed to work.

I think I'm trying to be smooth about it. It's not a big deal for me anymore. If anyone's asking about my sexuality - friends of course - I'm being completely honest with them. Though parents are a different thing. I haven't really felt the need to tell them about it yet.

Basically:

I don't push to the subject. I will come out if I'm really comfortable in the current situation or topic.

Advice:

If you really want to go to that meeting, just tell your parents there is something you'd like to tell them, or talk about. I mean, finally they are your parents. I bet you mean something to them and they are glad to listen to whatever you'd like to tell them. That's how I would start it off ^^;

But all honesty, that's just how I'd imagine it.
Awfully sorry if this didn't help you :(

I wish you good luck though :D

[Guest]

I'm actually trying to find my own way how to tell my parents about my asexuality. It's making me nervous to talk with my parents about something like this. But I don't think that my mom would make a big deal about it, she'd probably ask me how this is even supposed to work.

I think I'm trying to be smooth about it. It's not a big deal for me anymore. If anyone's asking about my sexuality - friends of course - I'm being completely honest with them. Though parents are a different thing. I haven't really felt the need to tell them about it yet.

Basically:

I don't push to the subject. I will come out if I'm really comfortable in the current situation or topic.

Advice:

If you really want to go to that meeting, just tell your parents there is something you'd like to tell them, or talk about. I mean, finally they are your parents. I bet you mean something to them and they are glad to listen to whatever you'd like to tell them. That's how I would start it off ^^;

But all honesty, that's just how I'd imagine it.

Awfully sorry if this didn't help you :(

I wish you good luck though :D

It would be good advice, but the main issue is poor communication. Yelling starts way too easily in this house and though it is getting better, it is still a problem. Once the yelling starts they usually find a way to blame it on my computer and then they unplug the internet forever and since I live in the middle of nowhere, I get bored and stressed because I have nobody to talk to, especially since I have poor vocal communication skills due to aspergers.

[Nymra]

I'm actually trying to find my own way how to tell my parents about my asexuality. It's making me nervous to talk with my parents about something like this. But I don't think that my mom would make a big deal about it, she'd probably ask me how this is even supposed to work.

I think I'm trying to be smooth about it. It's not a big deal for me anymore. If anyone's asking about my sexuality - friends of course - I'm being completely honest with them. Though parents are a different thing. I haven't really felt the need to tell them about it yet.

Basically:

I don't push to the subject. I will come out if I'm really comfortable in the current situation or topic.

Advice:

If you really want to go to that meeting, just tell your parents there is something you'd like to tell them, or talk about. I mean, finally they are your parents. I bet you mean something to them and they are glad to listen to whatever you'd like to tell them. That's how I would start it off ^^;

But all honesty, that's just how I'd imagine it.

Awfully sorry if this didn't help you :(

I wish you good luck though :D

It would be good advice, but the main issue is poor communication. Yelling starts way too easily in this house and though it is getting better, it is still a problem. Once the yelling starts they usually find a way to blame it on my computer and then they unplug the internet forever and since I live in the middle of nowhere, I get bored and stressed because I have nobody to talk to, especially since I have poor vocal communication skills due to aspergers.

Oh then I know exactly how you feel D:

I 'suffer' from aspergers too... and that's why I haven't told my parents that I'm asexual yet. The vocal communication is a hard thing to master... And if there's a lot of yelling in the house it's even more difficult to do so.

Well an other thing I could suggest you... would writing help?

I mostly solved my vocal communication issues by writing a letter... I know that sounds weird to write a letter to someone who might live in the same household. But as I was younger and lived with my parents (mother and stepfather) I used to write letters to my mother. It was easier for me to express myself.

I really can't see any way to talk with my stepdad, whatever subject it'd be since he likes to get loud.

But that's just what I did. I still need to learn how to have a proper conversation mouth to mouth so starting with a topic like my sexuality would make things probably a little more complicated ^^;

So that's what I used to do. I don't know if it'll help you D:

[Guest]

I'm actually trying to find my own way how to tell my parents about my asexuality. It's making me nervous to talk with my parents about something like this. But I don't think that my mom would make a big deal about it, she'd probably ask me how this is even supposed to work.

I think I'm trying to be smooth about it. It's not a big deal for me anymore. If anyone's asking about my sexuality - friends of course - I'm being completely honest with them. Though parents are a different thing. I haven't really felt the need to tell them about it yet.

Basically:

I don't push to the subject. I will come out if I'm really comfortable in the current situation or topic.

Advice:

If you really want to go to that meeting, just tell your parents there is something you'd like to tell them, or talk about. I mean, finally they are your parents. I bet you mean something to them and they are glad to listen to whatever you'd like to tell them. That's how I would start it off ^^;

But all honesty, that's just how I'd imagine it.

Awfully sorry if this didn't help you :(

I wish you good luck though :D

It would be good advice, but the main issue is poor communication. Yelling starts way too easily in this house and though it is getting better, it is still a problem. Once the yelling starts they usually find a way to blame it on my computer and then they unplug the internet forever and since I live in the middle of nowhere, I get bored and stressed because I have nobody to talk to, especially since I have poor vocal communication skills due to aspergers.

Oh then I know exactly how you feel D:

I 'suffer' from aspergers too... and that's why I haven't told my parents that I'm asexual yet. The vocal communication is a hard thing to master... And if there's a lot of yelling in the house it's even more difficult to do so.

Well an other thing I could suggest you... would writing help?

I mostly solved my vocal communication issues by writing a letter... I know that sounds weird to write a letter to someone who might live in the same household. But as I was younger and lived with my parents (mother and stepfather) I used to write letters to my mother. It was easier for me to express myself.

I really can't see any way to talk with my stepdad, whatever subject it'd be since he likes to get loud.

But that's just what I did. I still need to learn how to have a proper conversation mouth to mouth so starting with a topic like my sexuality would make things probably a little more complicated ^^;

So that's what I used to do. I don't know if it'll help you D:

I might try an e-mail, my hand writting is atrocious and they usually get upset when they can not read it and try to 'fix' me again and tell me to stop trying to be different/weird (even though I am not trying to do anything other than be myself and say 'weird' does not even exist because 'normal' would have to exist which it does not. It is a myth. Everybody is weird... but I digress).

[OttRInvy]

I'm actually trying to find my own way how to tell my parents about my asexuality. It's making me nervous to talk with my parents about something like this. But I don't think that my mom would make a big deal about it, she'd probably ask me how this is even supposed to work.

I think I'm trying to be smooth about it. It's not a big deal for me anymore. If anyone's asking about my sexuality - friends of course - I'm being completely honest with them. Though parents are a different thing. I haven't really felt the need to tell them about it yet.

Basically:

I don't push to the subject. I will come out if I'm really comfortable in the current situation or topic.

Advice:

If you really want to go to that meeting, just tell your parents there is something you'd like to tell them, or talk about. I mean, finally they are your parents. I bet you mean something to them and they are glad to listen to whatever you'd like to tell them. That's how I would start it off ^^;

But all honesty, that's just how I'd imagine it.

Awfully sorry if this didn't help you :(

I wish you good luck though :D

It would be good advice, but the main issue is poor communication. Yelling starts way too easily in this house and though it is getting better, it is still a problem. Once the yelling starts they usually find a way to blame it on my computer and then they unplug the internet forever and since I live in the middle of nowhere, I get bored and stressed because I have nobody to talk to, especially since I have poor vocal communication skills due to aspergers.

Oh then I know exactly how you feel D:

I 'suffer' from aspergers too... and that's why I haven't told my parents that I'm asexual yet. The vocal communication is a hard thing to master... And if there's a lot of yelling in the house it's even more difficult to do so.

Well an other thing I could suggest you... would writing help?

I mostly solved my vocal communication issues by writing a letter... I know that sounds weird to write a letter to someone who might live in the same household. But as I was younger and lived with my parents (mother and stepfather) I used to write letters to my mother. It was easier for me to express myself.

I really can't see any way to talk with my stepdad, whatever subject it'd be since he likes to get loud.

But that's just what I did. I still need to learn how to have a proper conversation mouth to mouth so starting with a topic like my sexuality would make things probably a little more complicated ^^;

So that's what I used to do. I don't know if it'll help you D:

I might try an e-mail, my hand writting is atrocious and they usually get upset when they can not read it and try to 'fix' me again and tell me to stop trying to be different/weird (even though I am not trying to do anything other than be myself and say 'weird' does not even exist because 'normal' would have to exist which it does not. It is a myth. Everybody is weird... but I digress).

That's really terrible. I hate to say this (and I might be totally wrong) but I'm not sure they'd let you go to the meet up if you explained to them what it was. It seems like they're going to try to label your sexuality as another "weird" part of you that needs "fixing." I'm not encouraging you to not come out, I just wanted to let you know that it's really likely that they'll see the meet up as you meeting with people who are corrupting you with their "asexual ways." If you tell them, they most likely won't let you go.

Plus, if you give them website links and say you met these people through the internet, they're likely to revoke internet privileges again and see this as another negative example of "online influences."

[Guest]

Oh then I know exactly how you feel D:

I 'suffer' from aspergers too... and that's why I haven't told my parents that I'm asexual yet. The vocal communication is a hard thing to master... And if there's a lot of yelling in the house it's even more difficult to do so.

Well an other thing I could suggest you... would writing help?

I mostly solved my vocal communication issues by writing a letter... I know that sounds weird to write a letter to someone who might live in the same household. But as I was younger and lived with my parents (mother and stepfather) I used to write letters to my mother. It was easier for me to express myself.

I really can't see any way to talk with my stepdad, whatever subject it'd be since he likes to get loud.

But that's just what I did. I still need to learn how to have a proper conversation mouth to mouth so starting with a topic like my sexuality would make things probably a little more complicated ^^;

So that's what I used to do. I don't know if it'll help you D:

I might try an e-mail, my hand writting is atrocious and they usually get upset when they can not read it and try to 'fix' me again and tell me to stop trying to be different/weird (even though I am not trying to do anything other than be myself and say 'weird' does not even exist because 'normal' would have to exist which it does not. It is a myth. Everybody is weird... but I digress).

That's really terrible. I hate to say this (and I might be totally wrong) but I'm not sure they'd let you go to the meet up if you explained to them what it was. It seems like they're going to try to label your sexuality as another "weird" part of you that needs "fixing." I'm not encouraging you to not come out, I just wanted to let you know that it's really likely that they'll see the meet up as you meeting with people who are corrupting you with their "asexual ways." If you tell them, they most likely won't let you go.

Plus, if you give them website links and say you met these people through the internet, they're likely to revoke internet privileges again and see this as another negative example of "online influences."

Which is exactly what I am afraid of and is exactly why I am doing it like 6 months in advance, to let the dust settle. If it goes over really bad I am 20, so I could just go anyway, but I prefer not to go about it that way. I am usually the obedient type, but my parents can be... difficult to listen to at times.

[OttRInvy]

That's really terrible. I hate to say this (and I might be totally wrong) but I'm not sure they'd let you go to the meet up if you explained to them what it was. It seems like they're going to try to label your sexuality as another "weird" part of you that needs "fixing." I'm not encouraging you to not come out, I just wanted to let you know that it's really likely that they'll see the meet up as you meeting with people who are corrupting you with their "asexual ways." If you tell them, they most likely won't let you go.

Plus, if you give them website links and say you met these people through the internet, they're likely to revoke internet privileges again and see this as another negative example of "online influences."

Which is exactly what I am afraid of and is exactly why I am doing it like 6 months in advance, to let the dust settle. If it goes over really bad I am 20, so I could just go anyway, but I prefer not to go about it that way. I am usually the obedient type, but my parents can be... difficult to listen to at times.

You sound very level-headed and intelligent. You seem to know exactly the right measures to take to make coming out the easiest it can be for you. I wish you all the luck in the world.

And I'm truly sorry that your parents can't tell that you're perfect the way you are and don't need fixing. You seem like an amazing son, and I wish they could see that.

[Guest]

That's really terrible. I hate to say this (and I might be totally wrong) but I'm not sure they'd let you go to the meet up if you explained to them what it was. It seems like they're going to try to label your sexuality as another "weird" part of you that needs "fixing." I'm not encouraging you to not come out, I just wanted to let you know that it's really likely that they'll see the meet up as you meeting with people who are corrupting you with their "asexual ways." If you tell them, they most likely won't let you go.

Plus, if you give them website links and say you met these people through the internet, they're likely to revoke internet privileges again and see this as another negative example of "online influences."

Which is exactly what I am afraid of and is exactly why I am doing it like 6 months in advance, to let the dust settle. If it goes over really bad I am 20, so I could just go anyway, but I prefer not to go about it that way. I am usually the obedient type, but my parents can be... difficult to listen to at times.

You sound very level-headed and intelligent. You seem to know exactly the right measures to take to make coming out the easiest it can be for you. I wish you all the luck in the world.

And I'm truly sorry that your parents can't tell that you're perfect the way you are and don't need fixing. You seem like an amazing son, and I wish they could see that.

Thank you, that means alot. My parents tend to be able to bring out my angry side. I know they only do it because they think it is in my best interest, but my best interest is just being me. They are afraid somebody is going to try and beat me up or something, but I would rather be beaten to a pulp then try to be this 'normal' thing. 'normal' just sounds like complete insanity to me.

They can see that, they have said it before, they just want what is best for me, and I wish I could show them what they want is not what I want and never will, but it is hard when I struggle with communication. Things have been getting better as they are learning to calm down and I am learning to talk better, but these things take time.

[Guest]

I came out through email. I will share what I said if you are interested:

I just wanted to tell you and dad, that I am an asexual. I do not know if you know what that means, so I will tell you.

Here is a general overview: http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html

Here is a video explaining it all: https://www.youtube.com/user/AOkayVideo

I just want you to know this does not change anything and I am still your son and still love you the same. I'm telling you because I care. I don't want you to worry about my future when it doesn't look the way you planned. If you want to ask me anything about this, you can ask me here.

I love you mama, I love you dad. <3

I tried to keep it simple to avoid stumbling over my own words and digging my own grave. I hope this goes well.

[Guest]

I am happy to announce they just read it and it went over really well.

"Landyn... we love you so much. Your personal preferences (unless they are dangerous and this is NOT) have no bearing on how much we love and cherish you (and all our children)."

What a relief that is over with.