How Do You Know When You've Become More Than Friends?

[Veranna]

Growing up in a homeschooling, conservative Christian family, I really never was taught how to know when I liked someone as. . .more than a friend. Everything was kind of more, "you just know and if your parents approve of him/her." Forgive me if I offended anyone by my usage of pronouns there, I'm just describing how it was like. To be honest, I never really even got a sex ed class, which made getting on the internet when I was older an incredibly. . .interesting and shocking experience.

I'm worried that I might like my best friend. I've worried about this in the past, but I just laughed it off. However, I can't keep denying that I'm biromantic. A relationship with her wouldn't work out for a number of reasons, but if I like her I would like to know so I can figure out how to best circumnavigate my feelings without hurting anyone I know (her--since she's sexual and knows I'm ace--or people I know as I'm not exactly in an LGBT+ friendly environment).

Is there any way to know when you like someone in a way that has passed "just friends" and is there any way to keep these emotions minimized? I really do not want my friend to find out I have feelings for her if I do.

[Frigid Pink]

It really depends on the person. For me, "romantic attraction" means I desire to express my feelings in more physical ways (cuddles, kisses, holding hands, etc.). I generally don't desire to be physically affectionate with my friends.

[Noky]

I'm still trying to figure things out, I think I just have a vague sense of enjoying their company, kind of more than just, 'hey they're cool' but I don't really know.

I kind of want to get physical but I have a fear of physical contact that adds to the confusion.

If you figure things out let me know :)

[My alias]

There will never be a sign that lets you instinctively know that you "like like" somebody. At some arbitrary breaking point you will have to decide for yourself yes I like her or no I do not.

[Sally]

If you mean by "minimized" not feeling them so much, there probably isn't. Feelings will just be there -- you can't really suppress them. But you can try to govern your behavior so those feelings aren't so evident (although that's hard also).

As far as knowing, the only thing I could say is that if you are wondering about what your feelings are, you might indeed have passed the friendship mark. There are a number of AVEN threads about romance and limerence where people discuss the many feelings that "romance" expresses to them. The way I knew I felt romantic about my ex-partner was that my heart kind of lit up when I thought about him and saw him. It was a warm excited feeling. That's no longer the case; we are now close friends and I still love him, but it's not the same feeling.

[romantic-woman]

It really depends on the person. For me, "romantic attraction" means I desire to express my feelings in more physical ways (cuddles, kisses, holding hands, etc.). I generally don't desire to be physically affectionate with my friends.

Yes exactly

And of course when you feel more you start to be anxious in front of him/her and when you think of him/her you have this really warm feeling in you heart which beats faster.

[PatheticGirl]

I always felt as friends with everyone. Like we have some close friends and some not close ones and yet another who are very very close ones. I can only categories in this category. There are some I can share everything with and yet another who share everything with me but I'm not comfortable sharing with them... so sorry, can't answer your question

[tloz]

For me, liking someone is related to wanting to marry someone. It comes with a desire to be with them, and missing them when they're not around. Being with a person I like tends to cheer me and to make me happier. Liking someone doesn't really come with physical displays of affection for me. It's just that I really care about the person. I want to be there for them and to show them how much I love them. Currently, with my boyfriend, it's come to the point where I really want to blurt out how much I love him, but my words just won't form. I think it's just caring for someone a whole bunch and wanting to have your lives together. Hopefully this helps :)

[nizzy01]

For me, I struggle to tell the difference between close friendship and having a crush on someone, so unless I'm aware of the other person having feelings for me, I assume it's friendship. If I know someone else has feelings for me or someone starts shipping us, I then consider whether I have feelings for them, and work out if I could see a relationship working, if not I just ignore those feelings. The only exception to this is my current boyfriend, who I was aware I had a crush on before I knew he had feelings for me, although he made it very obvious, so I might have just have subconsciously realised it, because I can be pretty oblivious with these things

[SMW22792]

I've experienced this with a close friend. I'd get jealous if anyone/anything took him away from me. Even his own friends I'd be jealous of! I believe it's called a squish. I feel at ease when I'm talking to him over Skype, but when he has to go, I feel like a part of me has been ripped out. Sometimes I'll even tear up over it. I understand a more serious relationship wouldn't work with him because he's hetrosexual, and I'm asexual. It's also not fair for me to expect him to be with me 24/7, but a part of me won't let him go. It's funny because he's even said in the past that, "Our relationship transcends friendship." Needless to say I felt a bit of euphoria when he said that. I'm still way too afraid to tell him how I actually feel. Not to mention I don't want to run the risk of ruining the friendship entirely.

[Whispearl]

When I first experienced romantic attraction (well, the only time I experienced it), what really hit the nail on the head for me, before anything happened between us, was that I realized I felt a little too happy to see the guy. Like, I'd run into him before class and no matter what I was feeling before, I'd get stupidly happy. What sealed the deal completely for me was when he started initiating sensual stuff and I actually didn't hate it at all, but I get the feeling you don't want to take it that far. I hope that helps, though! The best of luck to you, and I hope you work everything out!

[WearingItLikeArmor]

I also have trouble with the difference between romantic and platonic feelings towards someone. I actually dated a guy for a month or so before I realized that I only had platonic feelings towards him. I recognized this when I realized how indifferent I was to certain things in the relationship. Like I didn't really care if we spent lots of time together or not, and I didn't particularly calling each other pet names or anything. When others would be like "aw, don't you just love it when he does ___" and I'd be like not really. I felt like we had no emotional connection. Most of all, though, when people asked what our relationship felt like to me, I ended up describing it as friends who make out (side note: this is how I figured out that I don't like to make out). I still have trouble figuring out if I have romantic feelings for anyone though.

[whitesphere]

There's a reason for the REO Speedwagon song "Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore." There is really no practical way to change how you feel towards this woman. Denying it only shoves the feeling underground, it will still be there doing stuff but you won't be conscious of it. That will cause you a LOT more grief than being conscious of it.

How do you know you've passed "just friends?" Well, how do you treat female friends? And how do you treat this other woman? Do you feel a lot more joy at seeing her than your other female friends? Do you feel more inclined towards physical affection with her than with your other friends?

The more difference there is between how you treat this person and feel around this person, versus how you are with your friends, the more likely it is you want to be more than friends with her.

I'm afraid there's no crisp black and white dividing line that says "When you do X you want to be more than friends" because feelings are complicated.