Jump to content

Married, 2 kids. I'm asexual and he's sexual


happytrout23

Recommended Posts

My husband and I have been together for 11 years (married 6). We have been together since I was 16 and he was 18. I've always had a weird relationship with sex because my dad was really strict about it. My husband is the only person I've been sexual with.

At first we had sex a lot. Looking back I'm not sure if it was because I thought that was what I should do or if it was a rebellion thing. Eventually, after several years, we ended up only having sex every few months.

I have a depressive mood disorder (similar to bipolar 2) as well as anxiety. I dealt with depression the first year we were together, recovered and had 2 more major depressive episodes before I became suicidal and ended up in the Mental Health wing of the hospital. After getting my diagnosis and proper medication and treatment I felt better mentally but my sex drive still remained low.

I'm still not sure how much my medication and mental illness contribute to my low sex drive but I consider myself somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Because asexuality is not something I was aware of until a year or so ago, I just assume there was something wrong with me. Now that I had a name or title to what I feel I don't know what to do. I used to force myself to be sexual because I always felt it was my fault I had low sex drive. My husband has always been very understanding about my lack of desire for sex and he is trying very hard to be supportive of my new sexual status.

We are trying to come to terms with the change in our relationship and come up with some sort of compromise but I'm at a loss. We have 2 young kids (1.5 and 4 years old). I am not sex repulsed but if I'm going to be able to have sex it takes a lot of time to work up to it and I never really know whether I will be able to get myself to do it or not. We can't just do it whenever I feel like I might be able to because of our kids and schedule but trying to set a time to do it makes me anxious.

Being celibate would work for me but my husband is 27 with a very active sex drive and he says he finds me very attractive. Since I discovered my sexuality we have only had sexual encounters 2 or 3 times. We have looked into different sexual aids for him but short of his seeking sexual relief outside the relationship, I'm not sure what to do.

I've thought about seeing a relationship counselor but asexuality is not well known or accepted so I'm not sure how to find one who could help us. Sorry for such a long post but I promised my husband I would see what I could find out from others in our situation.

Thank you for listening.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand your situation. However when you are with a sexual you have to make time for the sex and intimacy. I think you should discuss what you both find exciting and within that conversation you may find things that overlap and these are the things you should try to include in your relationship.

There are a plethora of sex toys to try. If you are unsure of what to purchase ask someone in the business or read about what are the most popular toys today and just jump in and purchase one. If it doesn't suit your fancy keep going until you find out what does.

I think you two must communicate as to what you would both be willing to do within the relationship. The sexual parameters need to be sorted. If that is still not enough for your husband perhaps you should think about opening up your marriage so that your husband can have other partners.

I hope that helps.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I see a lot of posts from married couples with a similar story. shes asexual while he is not and it isn't working. The two biggest things, that I see, is that they end up splitting up or somebody goes outside of the relationship to fulfill their carnal needs.

While I am not in your situation that is what I see the most in other people with similar problems.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I totally relate to your situation. Married for 1year but we have been together for 8yr and have a 1yr and 5yo. My lack of interest in sex was always a known, but I didn't discover the asexual title til this year. Suddenly everything clicked for me. For my husband, things just fell apart. He became demanding and belittling. I tried scheduling sex and working myself up to do something- but usually had to end it or would just fall apart from anxiety. We came to a point where we were about to separate.

We started sex counseling and ultimately, his homework was to gain power over other areas of his life so he could ease up on his expectations on our relationship. My homework was to gain confidence in setting the terms for sex FOR MYSELF- whatever that may look like. Regarding our relationship, my husband was then given the choice- with this hypothetical situation that if i never wanted to have sex again, would he still want to be in a relationship with me?

It made us question the reasons we were together, why we loved each other and what we wanted in our future. Ultimately, after lots of tears and going through various scenarios (including polyamory relationships), we came to the conclusion we wanted this to work out with just each other - and that he loved me beyond the role of a sexual partner and wanted to stay in the relationship given that I may be asexual. I ultimately concluded that I wanted to try to have sex, on my own terms, as a 'gift' for him, when things feel right.

It is still an ongoing journey into new territory, but things feel good between us again. Two major changes we made were

1) He no longer sleeps in the same bed as me. My husband also finds me very physically attractive and he flat out said he couldn't handle touching me at night (even just our feet) and "moved out". He is just in another room now (kinda like a man cave) . It has been great- I visit him every night when the kids are sleeping. We'll cuddle and talk about our day, life, etc. It feels like we are dating again and has been allowing me to feel intimate with him again (rather than pressured). And no pressure at the end of the cuddle session- I can just leave. He does not visit my bed area.

2) He is not allowed to ask/demand sex. This led to me feeling pressured and an inadequate partner in our relationship. It was not fair for him to impose that role onto me and not something I should have allowed him to do. Sex should be a form of mutual intimacy- in whatever form that takes. If I feel open and connected with him, I do plan on having sex with him since I know that he enjoys it. But if that never happens, he is willing to wait.

My husband and I connect strongly is our personal philosophy. I think this helped a lot in his processing. He sees the possibility of physical things as a distraction from a deeper connection. Right now he is working on seeing me beyond my female mother vagina role- and as a human being with my own gifts. He admits he wasn't doing this before and also fell into a very masculine father bread-winner role. I think if you can come to terms on whether the relationship should continue or not, solutions will come about in their own way. Don't give up if both parties want it to work- but if you guys are creating an environment of hostility and resentment, better to split for the kids. Ultimately, be happy. Even if that is separate, the kids will be better for it. Sending love!

Link to post
Share on other sites

My wife and I have been married for 27 years. She is asexual and I am not. For the past eighteen years, we had no sex. She seems absolutely fine with that, but for me it has been very very hard. Although I have been faithful to her all my married life, it has been hard and painful to me. I had to go to massage places and have them masturbate me. I go there once a week or sometimes twice a week just to have my needs met. My wife didn't agree to an open marriage so this massage thing is a compromise.

We have two wonderful kids, aged 18 and 21.

After twenty seven years, we are still together and I love my wife.

Link to post
Share on other sites

still trying to come to terms with this and all ive read....my question, how did you get your husband to accept the orientation and not put it in a category of excuses or disorders...or just plain accept this is a REAL thing? All ive read about this, describes me to a T, but convincing him that this is REAL and not something im drawing at to 'shut him up'...im at a loss. new to this, as in just signed up today and have spent yesterday reading all info i could, so be understanding at my confusion.

Link to post
Share on other sites

still trying to come to terms with this and all ive read....my question, how did you get your husband to accept the orientation and not put it in a category of excuses or disorders...or just plain accept this is a REAL thing? All ive read about this, describes me to a T, but convincing him that this is REAL and not something im drawing at to 'shut him up'...im at a loss. new to this, as in just signed up today and have spent yesterday reading all info i could, so be understanding at my confusion.

Well I'm very lucky with my husband that he was with me through my various episodes of depression and mental illness. Because our sex life has always been an issue I think he was more open to understanding it. I basically told him I'd been doing research and I think I am asexual. He did some research on his own and I'm sure that helped as well. Mostly I think he trusted that I knew myself. It wasn't that he didn't question it though. I don't even really know for sure how much of my lack of sexual desire has to do with my mental illness.

The thing that is most important is how you feel about it. Whether he thinks it's real or not doesn't matter. For me having a word for what I had always felt made a big difference. When I first learned about it, it actually did feel a bit like an excuse, like oh now I have a reason to not want sex. Explaining to your partner that this isn't something new but rather just a title to put to how you have always felt might help.

It's like anything in life, without a word to put to explain something it doesn't feel as real. You could try to describe literally anything without using it's title and it's pretty much the same idea. Try to describe a car or math or anything and it makes way more sense when you give it it's proper name. Asexuality is the same except that the name is not well known.

We as a society are taught that we are suppose to want sex. Especially hetero sex. People don't understand what they don't personally feel. Someone who doesn't have mental illness doesn't understand how mental illness feels. A heterosexual person can't understand how a homosexual person can be attracted to the same gender. A sexual person doesn't understand why anyone wouldn't want sex. Just because someone doesn't understand something doesn't mean that it isn't real.

Link to post
Share on other sites

We as a society are taught that we are suppose to want sex. Especially hetero sex. People don't understand what they don't personally feel. Someone who doesn't have mental illness doesn't understand how mental illness feels. A heterosexual person can't understand how a homosexual person can be attracted to the same gender. A sexual person doesn't understand why anyone wouldn't want sex. Just because someone doesn't understand something doesn't mean that it isn't real.

^^that was a point i used when talking about this last night...its frustrating to not be able to relate something to another person...he had a hard time understanding how something so huge to him, didnt have the same effect on me. its gunna take time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

you and i, jess, are on the same page. i hope he starts to read things & tries to understand instead of taking offense to this new part of our lives. there is a lot of hurt, anger, sadness, even loss...as he says he feels hes lost me...thanks again for the response, advice & sharing your story(:

Link to post
Share on other sites

I just joined this site yesterday in an effort to gain a better understanding of who I might be and how to explain this to my partner.

We've had many fights about sex and mainly my lack of interest in sex and how I never initiate it. In the past he has felt it had to have been because I've had abusive relationships, lately he is sure that I just don't love him because if I did, surely I would desire sex with him as much as he desires having sex with me.

And until recently I just. didn't. get it. I mean, come on, we have children, we spend time on our hobbies, I have my activism, he has his volunteerwork, we really have a strong connection on a personal level, I have chronic pain issues, why are we arguing about something as stupid as a penis in a vagina.

And he is like " you have time for this and for that, but not for me" and I was confused, until I realized "me" meant "sex" in this context. And it wasn't until recently that I read more about asexuality (I heard about it, and accepted the idea a few years ago, but never applied it to myself).

Over the years there were many fights. He thinks we don't have sex often enough and wants me to initiate. I can't. I never understood why, but I can't. Still, always asking me made him feel humiliated, like he was begging like a dog for something that should be a normal part of a relationship. At some point I was like ok, then just take what you want, do it and let's try that. But that felt right for neither of us. I started to resent it and avoid him and he felt almost like he was raping me.

This past year has been extremely difficult and in a last effort to save my relationship (since I love him very much and he is the father of my children) we are doing it on a schedule. I won't have to feel anxious about "when is he going to make a big deal out of this again" and he won't have to feel rejected.

It works for us because I'm not particularly sex repulsed. Though I am not sure it'll keep working because he has also expressed that he is bored with the "repertoire", but I am repulsed by some sexual acts, for instance while I don't mind being touched sexually, I really dislike touching another that way. But we'll see

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...