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looking for advice on my situation


tloz

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I'm an asexual heteroromantic person, and I've known that for maybe 2 years now. I started dating a person that I liked near the beginning of this year, and I'm still in a relationship with him now. I'm really worried that he just won't be happy being with me long term, because I know that he'd like to have sex and to have biological children someday. That's definitely not something I can see myself ever giving to him, because I'm repulsed by sex and participating in that when it doesn't mean anything to me just seems wrong to me. I think I would be very unhappy and disgusted with myself if I did that.

I've made my asexuality clear to him from the start of this relationship, and I've gradually been able to become ok with things like cuddling and holding hands. I intend to give kissing a chance, but I think that's on the borderline for me, so I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to tolerate that.

I don't think there's any further compromise in this area that I'd be able to come to. He's hoping that we'd be able to come to a compromise when the time comes, but I don't see myself being able to compromise myself any further. I'm worried that I'm going to be holding him back from a relationship where he can have what he wants and really be happy. That thought really scares the both of us because of how much we care about each other.

I just don't know what to do in this situation. I'm hoping for some advice and maybe some stories from other people who have been in situations similar to mine. I really want my relationship to work out and I hope it will, but I'm just doubtful at times. And if I made any part of this unclear, let me know, and I'd be happy to explain further.

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Guest Lady.Lizard

That sounds a bit like how my relationship started. To begin with, I was only ever thinking of holding hands and hugging, he knew I was demi and has always been a gentleman and never done things if I say I'm uncomfortable with them, he just backs off.
But sometimes things can catch you by surprise, e.g. one day he kissed me, my original reactions was 'eww..we just exchanged microbes', so I hid my face in his shoulder when he came for a second. But afterwards I realised that it was a nice way of showing him I loved him, and then it didn't seem to bad. Since then, I've become a little more ok with the slightly more intimate things (not as far as sex, but he's allowed to touch me, and that's not too terrifying because it's a way we can show we love each other as long as we respect the boundaries. And if they change, we let each other know). We try not to think about the future as it's so fluid we can't predict it and doing so might spoil the 'now', but we keep our minds open about where the relationship might go without over-analysing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this, take things as they come and you may be surprised. A relationship is organic, it grows, changes, and you may change with it. It's not a conscious change, it just happens, and doesn't always go the way you expect. So take things slowly, be clear about your boundaries...and if he wants kids in the future, then that is a bridge that you can work around when/if the time comes. If you really do care and love each other then you will both learn the compromises and find sacrifices on both sides that don't seem half so bad, and that builds a better relationship if you don't push it, or fret...and are just honest as you can be.

Hope that helps :) :cake:

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Well, he's been patient this long, which is a sign he really does respect you and doesn't want to pressure you.
However, if you're sure that he's still hoping for more of a compromise than you think you can ever give him, and you've been clear with your general boundaries...It might be best not to stay with him. It sounds like you guys really care about each other though.

My advice would be to, however hard it is, sit down and have this conversation with him. What does he feel like he really needs, in life and in a relationship? What are your boundaries? If you don't see a way for compromise..I don't know what to tell you. But you might, it just has to be very clear communication. It's a hard conversation, i've been in a similar state with my own partner. I'm ace, they aren't. We talk about our boundaries, and we try to be aware of what the other one needs and if the compromise line will work forever.

Best advice I can give you..like I said, communication. Even when it's hard. I hope this helped, and best of luck!

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Communication is a good thing to do. From what you are saying I think that he is an understanding guy. Hopefully you work it out together!

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Everybody here says to talk it out. My honest opinion is....

I completely disagree

No matter how clear you make it to him that there is no comprise past kissing, he will always hope for sex and children and always wish for it as well. Eventually he will face an interior ultimatum stay with you or leave, sadly, to find something that will fulfill his ambitions. If you think he will make the right decisions and he can give all that up and still live a happy and fulfilling life then do nothing he will reach that "critical point" on his own. Else you may be right...You are holding him back.

Sorry if my say isn't the happy optimistic kind but ive been in a similar (in structure) situation and it boiled down to that.

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I still am struggling to get answer to what is best way to handle such situations. Because neither we are able to stay away from them nor closer to them... so where should we go....

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