Should I break up with my boyfriend?

[JessieJay13]

Several months ago I entered into my first romantic relationship with a guy a bit younger than me named Evan. Evan was smart and funny, into the same things that I'm into, and obviously interested in me in a way that no one else had ever been interested. I did the whole flustered omg-what-do-I-do thing with my friends and eventually I did decide to go out with him. At that point, I had read a few posts on asexuality and thought hmm yeah that sounds pretty close but hey what do I know I just haven't been in that situation yet it'll make sense later on and decided that I was probably just straight and inexperienced. However, a few dates into our relationship, he kissed me. I immediately went home and googled asexuality. I decided that night that I really was asexual because, no, kissing did not make any more sense to me after experiencing it and sexual things probably wouldn't either.

Anyway, I told him about my burgeoning asexuality and that I was (and am) still trying to figure myself out. Overall, he's been really great about it. He's made it clear that he would still be with me even if I cut off all contact, he checks in regularly and asks if I'm comfortable and offers to pull back and all that. He's even been accommodating with my rather extreme introversion--I'm really only comfortable hanging out maybe once every two weeks, and sometimes life gets in the way and I'm just not up for socializing, and he's pretty good about offering to reschedule to a time when I'm not so drained. There's really nothing I should complain about.

And yet. I know a lot of asexuals experience guilt when in relationships with allosexuals and I'm certainly no exception. He has said that he would be thrilled if sex could be a part of this, and he admitted to hoping for sex in future, but assured me that it wasn't a requirement and he doesn't want to pressure me into anything I'm not comfortable with. My biggest problem is that I started the relationship thinking I was sexual. I started out letting him kiss him and hold me all the time, but the longer the relationship goes on the more of an understanding I come to about my own boundaries. I feel awful thinking about revoking the kind of privileges he's had for months now. I'm getting more and more uncomfortable with kissing, but I hate the thought of just cutting him off when I've let him do it this long. I feel like I let him enter into this relationship under false pretenses and I'm pulling the rug out from under his feet.

On another note, I'm starting to consider the possibility that I might be aromantic. I'm sort of reluctant to say that because I do sort of want a romantic relationship in a way, or at least I think I do. I want the comfortable lived-in stage of a relationship. I want living together and crashing on the couch with my head in his lap whenever I feel like it. I want the sharing a bed. I want the easy, un-pressured, low-maintenance companionship. What I don't want is twenty minutes of ride coordination and two weeks of planning for a four hour meet-up where I feel duty-bound to provide him with my whole attention for the time allotted. And as much as I truly appreciate it, I don't want the constant check-ins and the constant reassurances and the constant uneasiness of neither of us being sure of where we stand. But I can't really fix that because I don't know where I stand, even after probably three months of trying to figure it out.

This got really long, but if anyone happens to have any words of advice, I would appreciate them.

[Aisntllecxtual]

I understand why you feel guilty about entering the relationship under false pretenses, but, really, there is nothing you should feel guilty about. It is absolutely normal that you are discovering things about yourself in the course of the relationship. The important thing is to communicate honestly with him your feelings and reflections in the course of these revelations. It is also important to illicit feedback from him - stress how crucially essential it is for him to express his feelings openly, fully, and genuinely - regarding your discoveries. The tricky thing comes down to a matter of trust, believing whether he is telling you the truth regarding his feelings or mouthing what he thinks you wish to hear: if latter, if feelings are spared now, the hurt down the road will almost certainly be excruciating - a real tragedy. In connection to possible (one would hope misguided well-meaning) deceptiveness, look for inconsistencies of action and expression and be polite but persistent in asking questions in regard to observed contradictions. In regard to yourself, guard against self-delusion. It is wise not to become so invested in the relationship that you lose touch with yourself (and, from your post above, you seem to have a good laudable grasp on your sense of self), sacrifice, or, even, compromise who you (think you) are. It is said that compromise is required in relationships, but certainly not on those perceived realities as viewed/sensed as fundamental to (conduct of) self, to being. In my opinion, in continuing in the relationship, I think you must painstakingly prize honesty - in you and him - far far above all else, and you must maintain sensitivity to any action that may violate your physical space, that makes you uncomfortable, that you view as disrespectful. In regard to your specific question, I unfortunately can give you no answer, only a rather abstract map of guidance. For what it is, I hope it was at least somewhat helpful. It is so nice that you are discovering all these new very important things about yourself. I wish you all the best in your exhilarating ongoing journey to further enlightenment. :)

[lycanrising]

I concur with Aisntllecxtual.

1) communication is the most important thing.

2) there's no need to feel guilty about how you feel. That's just who you are.

3) not all relationships work, and that's an unfortunate fact. If it doesn't feel right but you're worried that you've 'let him on for so long', well, it's only going to go on for longer. As above mentioned, the potential feedback that might happen if a bad relationship continues and then ends is going to be a lot more painful than whatever you feel now.

4) I'd also agree with above that be careful about what is said and what is meant. I'm not hugely comfortable with second guessing someone I don't now but the phrase "it's not a requirement" has been mentioned in the forums often associated with the meaning "I'll be patient for now".

5) don't worry about trying to understand yourself for 3 months. Others have been at it for years. It's just something that develops over time.

In conclusion, think through everything carefully and don't be afraid of whatever conclusion you arrive at. If you want the relationship to continue then enjoy, but be sure that it's you who wants it to continue as opposed to being afraid of ending it.

[My alias]

I concur with Aisntllecxtual.

1) communication is the most important thing.

2) there's no need to feel guilty about how you feel. That's just who you are.

3) not all relationships work, and that's an unfortunate fact. If it doesn't feel right but you're worried that you've 'let him on for so long', well, it's only going to go on for longer. As above mentioned, the potential feedback that might happen if a bad relationship continues and then ends is going to be a lot more painful than whatever you feel now.

4) I'd also agree with above that be careful about what is said and what is meant. I'm not hugely comfortable with second guessing someone I don't now but the phrase "it's not a requirement" has been mentioned in the forums often associated with the meaning "I'll be patient for now".

5) don't worry about trying to understand yourself for 3 months. Others have been at it for years. It's just something that develops over time.

In conclusion, think through everything carefully and don't be afraid of whatever conclusion you arrive at. If you want the relationship to continue then enjoy, but be sure that it's you who wants it to continue as opposed to being afraid of ending it.

I agree with point 3 and 4 those are two things you've articulated well.

[Ace of Cakes]

I totally understand where you're coming from, as I entered into my current relationship thinking I was sexual only to discover that oops! I'm actually ace!

Like yours, my boyfriend has been great about everything. He doesn't pressure me at all, he says he's in for the long haul whatever that entails, he's just wonderful. But I still feel guilty, like I'm holding him back. Unlike you, however, I'm actually getting more comfortable with the physical (not sexual!) stuff like kissing and all that, so that makes things a bit easier for me I suppose.

Even so, I agree with the others. You shouldn't feel guilty. Also, communication and honesty are definitely important. I don't really know how to advise you because to be honest I'm in much of the same situation. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend. I love him so much. But sometimes I wonder... If I really love him, should I let him find someone better for him? I don't know, but I don't think I could ever do it. I don't think I could ever preemptively stop something that could be great because I'm afraid my asexuality will ruin it. If he did, I'd accept that, but I just... I don't know. Anyway, yeah, this is just me saying you're not alone. I get it.

I plan on having a really honest conversation with my boyfriend soon and telling him about some of these worries and doubts that I'm having, because I feel like for us at least, this needs to be a mutual decision. I know that at this point at least that decision will be to stay together; we both want to make this work. But I don't want it to be a decision that's assumed. I want to be open with him about everything and make sure he knows exactly what he is getting himself into by sticking with me.

Now, back to you. Breathe. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to keep learning about yourself. If you feel like you're in a place where you can have a conversation with your boyfriend about some of these worries, maybe do that. Best of luck!

[PatheticGirl]

Stitch in time saves nine. The more time u spend together, more difficult will it be to break up for both of u