Got a question for polyamorous people!

[Skri]

If I do not remember wrong, there are some polyamorous people here... but really I'd like to read opinions from anyone

I like someone who lives in another country and the situation is pretty complicated, so we agreed on not being in a long distance relationship and feel free to see other people. Which is fine... theoretically. Because now that she is dating this new girl, I feel very jealous. Well, actually not so much, it usually comes in waves: sometimes I am very cool with it, sometimes I'd like to smash her face.

I know it's all because I am insicure about myself and that if I could allineate my feelings with my positive thoughts on the matter I will be super okay, but I don't know how to do so.

So the question is: how do you do it? how can you love someone and at the same time accept (with both mind and feelings) that she/he also likes someone else?

[MissUnderstood]

It's really hard to. I think it's best to just not talk about the other person's boyfriend/girlfriend and treat each other how you normally do. So just ignore the fact that they have someone else and focus on your feelings

[Zapstileon]

By nature, I am not very jealous, so as long as my partner tells me these things and we talk about how we feel and such, I wouldn't worry too much in the first place.
Unlike MissUnderstood, though, I'd prefer to know my partner's partner. I'd find it really difficult to deal with them dating a stranger. Because what if circumstances change and I am able to move closer, for instance, and I don't get along with the other person? I couldn't make my partner pick... So then it would all be a mess. But I think trust and communication is a real key here. Have you spoken to her about your insecurity?

[Skri]

By nature, I am not very jealous, so as long as my partner tells me these things and we talk about how we feel and such, I wouldn't worry too much in the first place.

Unlike MissUnderstood, though, I'd prefer to know my partner's partner. I'd find it really difficult to deal with them dating a stranger. Because what if circumstances change and I am able to move closer, for instance, and I don't get along with the other person? I couldn't make my partner pick... So then it would all be a mess. But I think trust and communication is a real key here. Have you spoken to her about your insecurity?

I agree, I couldn't do it as well. Besides, I like to know about her life, and the other person is in fact part of it; therefore I want to know about her. I mean, I think I would also be able to meet and know her. The problem is that I fear that she could one day prefer the other one (kind of classic lol). It's something that pops up only sometimes (never felt this way before her new relationship though) and I don't feel exactly like I could tell her, because what if one day it will happen? I don't want her to feel guilty because of her feelings. Like, "she told me she feared this one thing and it's exactly what I am doing to her".

I'd like to deal with my insecurity without involving her.

[Philip027]

I've never really had to make a conscious effort to do something like this, and I'm pretty sure there is one primary reason for that: I tend to value my loved ones over myself. If it gets to the point where I can care that deeply enough for another person, I will want them to be happy above all else, regardless of whatever that means, because seeing them happy would make me happy too.

That being said, you don't necessarily want to take things too far in that direction, either. Loving oneself is important, too. Assuming these people think back about you in the same way, they surely would want you to feel happy, too.

But for me, at least, handling such emotional and delicate situations becomes a lot less of a potential problem when I know that my loved ones are happy. I try to do whatever I can in whatever position I happen to be in to make that happen.

[Guest]

I couldn't do polyamory personally. I'm monoamorous and made sure that my partner felt exactly the same as I did while we were discussing entering a relationship together. We live on opposite sides of the world, so it was *very* important for both of us that the other could be satisfied completely with our love and our love alone, even with no physical contact between the two of us. Honestly, we couldn't be happier like this. We are completely satisfied with each other and the mere suggestion of a third party would end our relationship (though we'd remain friends).

I think polyamorous people just feel differently.. they are able to enjoy and thrive in the (romantic and intimate) love of multiple people, and want that for their partners too? Whereas monoamorous people thrive in loving one perosn (intimately and romantically) and in being loved the same way in return. We have friends, of course, but that 'line' is never crossed when it comes to friends, because there's just no need for it.. we are completely satisfied in our partner's love and their love alone.

Anyway, I hope things work out okay for you both :c it must be a very difficult and painful situation for you, I'm sorry :c

[Spectre/Ex/Machina]

As long as they are happy, I am happy. That is how I deal.

[Fire & Rain]

I'm poly and I'm not capable of jealousy in relationships. I just don't get jealous at all. I've been in poly relationships before and even though I'm poly I'm rarely ever in more than one relationship at once. I even encourage my partners to find someone else.

You just don't have any poly in you. That's why you feel that way. I don't think we can switch it on and off because -amory is a part of ourselves. I can be in a monogamous relationship (currently in one) but I can never 100% monogamous. My mind doesn't think or react that way.

I think you're doing good so far (maybe at least on the surface?) My partner is like you and they get jealous about me finding some other (imaginary!! lol) partner which I don't see happening anytime soon :/ They are fine with it sometimes but other times they get really insecure about it. I guess it comes in waves just like you said. I can only imagine how a monogamous partner will react in poly relationships.

My advice is talk to her about it. If she really likes you, she will understand and sympathize with you. If you don't want her to know about any of it, try to calm yourself down and distract yourself by doing chores, studying, working on projects (or whatever you do) and it will pass since it comes in waves :) Good luck!

[Notte stellata]

Some poly people just don't really get jealous. Some do, but they learn to overcome it. A good way to deal with jealousy is finding its root: Why do you feel this way? Are you afraid that your partner may leave you for the other person? Are you worried your partner will love the other person more than they love you? Do you just envy the other person for being able to spend time with your partner while you can't? Under what circumstances are you cool with it, and when are you not? Once you find out what triggers your jealousy, you can try to overcome it, possibly with the help of your partner (e.g. you may need their reassurance once in a while, or ask them not to mention the other person under some circumstances).

Edit: Just saw your second post that you want to deal with your insecurity without involving your partner. In that case, you can try to change the way you think. For example, like other people said, try to be happy for her happiness. Also, focus on the positive things in your relationship and your unique connection with her.

[Naosuu]

Moving this from The Gray Area to Asexual Relationships.

Naosuu, The Gray Area Moderator

[trilliskian]

Although you may want to deal with your insecurity without involving your partner, when your insecurity is focused around your relationship it may be necessary for you to talk it out with them before you find any real closure.

[biace_inyourface]

Polyamory can be a very difficult thing to do. The biggest thing you can do is to talk with her and make sure both of you are being completely honest about your feelings. What may help is just to keep reminding yourself that her feelings for another person in no way diminish her feelings for you. Try to put yourself in her shoes. If you were dating someone else, would your feelings for her be affected? I've been with my husband for years and right now I have this super big crush on someone. Like one of those "wow I can't stop thinking about you I just wanna kiss your face" kind of crushes. I've never once felt like this crush has diminished my feelings for my husband in any way. Love is not a zero-sum game. :)

[Guest]

Jealousy like this can be difficult to overcome. When my ex and I broke up, I still cared about him and I was a bit jealous when he started dating other people. I just bit my tongue though and thought "well, he's happy, he still wants me in his life, deal with it and stop caring so much what he's doing with other girls" ... and eventually the jealousy went out the window. Because he did care about me and he did keep coming back to talk to me. And eventually, it even felt good to be able to be there for him when a girl he crushed on didn't like him back that way, or he had a break up, or try to help him win over a new girl he liked... or just to be there so he could vent about this one girl he really liked but had no shot with. Because he trusted me that much. And jealousy had no place in that friendship. Keep reminding yourself that you are important to this person. :)

[Skri]

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

you all are giving to me so much to think about, everytime I read an answer I can agree with some point in it, even if one contradicts another. I guess I have to take some time to clear my head and therefore I still don't know how I am going to behave towards the situation nor my occasional jealousy, but at least I feel a bit less lost (unfortunately not even my closest friend knew how to help me, she tried but, well, no).

Really I can't thank you all enough

[Frugal Luddite]

This reply from starrynight is excellent. I've had to do a lot of work around jelousy and insecurity. Polyamory or even swinging isn't only for those that are totally free of jealousy. For some people tracing back where the insecurity stems from is worth it in order to be in a poly arrangement.

I've been dating a poly woman for 5 years. I've overcome jealousy about one of her boyfriends, yet still feel a tiny bit of jealousy about her newest lover. It's much weaker this time around. I'm handling in a Buddhist zen manner and just being with the feelings. I know from experience the I security about this latest lover being so fun and impressive will winnow away gradually with time.

I myself am not monogamous, but I feel that being totally egalitarian in my loving takes a lot of work and TIME. If I llived with them in a tribe it would be much easier, but I'm an agricultural person. So, my time and $ for going on dates in the city is limited, which the way many poly folks in my community are involved with others. There are very few group living situations. So, when it comes down to it, being more casual with the "other" lovers besides my primary, who'd live on the farm with me, seems more suitable for my life. So, I think swingers that get to know their playmates have a pretty darn good arrangement. Ah, back to poly.

Well, I have to mention that poly asexuals do exist. So, there's some poly folks that do not share sexual intimacy, but like romance and verbal intimacy.

Some poly people just don't really get jealous. Some do, but they learn to overcome it. A good way to deal with jealousy is finding its root: Why do you feel this way? Are you afraid that your partner may leave you for the other person? Are you worried your partner will love the other person more than they love you? Do you just envy the other person for being able to spend time with your partner while you can't? Under what circumstances are you cool with it, and when are you not? Once you find out what triggers your jealousy, you can try to overcome it, possibly with the help of your partner (e.g. you may need their reassurance once in a while, or ask them not to mention the other person under some circumstances).

Edit: Just saw your second post that you want to deal with your insecurity without involving your partner. In that case, you can try to change the way you think. For example, like other people said, try to be happy for her happiness. Also, focus on the positive things in your relationship and your unique connection with her.

[Sci]

While I've never been in a polyamorous relationship. I would like to be in some day. If I had a partner who was also dating someone, I would probally increadibly jealous. But I would understanding and not interfere with their relationship.