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I think I'm asexual but I'm scared to explain it to my family...


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I am an 18 year old female and I've had a few boyfriends but I always broke up with them after we started making out. I thought it was gross, unnecessary, and just weird in general. I've never had sex before but I very rarely think it would even be worth trying. I've decided that I don't want an intimate relationship. I am very introverted and particular about romantic partners, but I think one day I may want to settle down with someone as long as it doesn't require sexual things.

My parents have been telling me that I need to grow up and learn to have a relationship or I'll end up alone and sad. I want to tell them that I'm ok with having a relationship as long as it isn't sexual, but my family doesn't really talk about these things. I know if I tell them how I feel they won't believe me and they'll say I just need to get out more. I don't want to, though.

I'm really confused and I don't know what to do. I want to fit in more... no one understands though. Any advice?

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Find happiness outside of relationships. Your family may think you need a bf to keep from being alone and sad, and if you are alone and sad, that only furthers their point. Focus on your non-sexual and non-intimate friendships.

You don't ever have to explain to anyone that you are asexual. In fact, telling them may inspire them to try and 'fix you.' If you just let them know that you're happy as you are, they will begin to accept you as you are with or without the label.

I felt a lot of pressure to be in relationships. When I came out as asexual to my family and said I felt this pressure, I was surprised by the lash back - "we never pressured you, we just wanted you to be happy." Your family may not realize the stress they're putting on you because they have such a narrow view of what constitutes happiness.

You must define your personal happiness and seek that. Then let your parents know you're following your own path and you're right on schedule. Hopefully they will respond with support.

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Find happiness outside of relationships. Your family may think you need a bf to keep from being alone and sad, and if you are alone and sad, that only furthers their point. Focus on your non-sexual and non-intimate friendships.

You don't ever have to explain to anyone that you are asexual. In fact, telling them may inspire them to try and 'fix you.' If you just let them know that you're happy as you are, they will begin to accept you as you are with or without the label.

I felt a lot of pressure to be in relationships. When I came out as asexual to my family and said I felt this pressure, I was surprised by the lash back - "we never pressured you, we just wanted you to be happy." Your family may not realize the stress they're putting on you because they have such a narrow view of what constitutes happiness.

You must define your personal happiness and seek that. Then let your parents know you're following your own path and you're right on schedule. Hopefully they will respond with support.

I'd do all this and simply keep from telling them for a while, or keep in mind that even if you do try relationships they suggest, you're only obligate to tell a possible and real consideration of who might end up being your partner, not your family. Then that's done and you've tried dating and they can't use it against you.

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I can only add to the above advice with the counter intuitive: Try to imagine what they're thinking. I know, this sounds silly, since they're the ones pressuring you. But they, as already stated, probably dont see it as pressure. They see it as signs of depression, or a lack or ambition, or even just you mopping, and they're trying to help motivate you with positive feelings and the idea that you just need to get out there and try, and the magic will hapen for you too! Some people, especially in your age group, honestly cannot see the difference between 'alone and miserable' and 'just not in a romantic/intimate relationship right now'. Parents may pick up on that about your generation and feel that you need a little push to get up and try again. They may think you're past relationships left you devistated and in a 'screw this, Im never trying relationships again, they hurt to much!' mindset, when to you it was more of a 'now I know what Im actually looking for' mindset. From a parents point of view, if you DONT wind up in a commited healthy relationship, they feel like its their fault, something they did wrong to make you think relationships were bad. Knowing some ones motivation for doing or saying something can often help you figure out how to respond...in this case, I do not think you need to 'come out' as it were, but you may want to let your parents know that all the pushing is annoying, and if they're doing it out of worry that they screwed up somewhere, they can relax. You just have very particular standards for who and what you want in a relationship, and you know you're worth holding out to find some one who meets your wants. It may assauge their fears and get them to lay off a little.

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Bubblegum Princess

Your partents are wrong to try to pressure you like that. They probably think they have your best interest at heart, though. Based just on this tiny tidbit of imformation, i would say that they do really care about you. A lot of people don't understand how life without a romantic interest can possibly be fulfilling. For them, their partnership might really be the most special bond they ever formed. I imagine the only way to get them off your back might be to find a way to get them to at least sort of understand your viewpoint. You don't have to come out or anything if you think they won't understand that, but I suggest maybe explaining to them that you're really focused on work, school, hobbies, etc. right now, and don't feel like you have the time or interest in a relationship at the moment. It could take the heat off to let you focus on figuring yourself out and doing your own thang. Just what I would do in the situation. Don't rush yourself or do anything you don't enjoy because others are pressuring you. You're the person who has to live in your body and go through your life. Only you can decide what will make a fulfilling life worth living for yourself.

If you don't go out with friends though, you might want to consider it. usually, there's no sexual pressure with friends and it's great to have someone to talk to or even just chill with. Hanging with friends would probably help them worry less if that's not something you currently do. Even if it's just coffee with a classmate, coworker, or cousin once a week.

I hope my advice gave you some ideas. Hang in there! Growing up is much more complex than having a romantic relationship. It's not necessaryto have one to be an adult.

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Sometimes, you just have to live your life and let everyone around you think what they may, that is what I chose to do when my family concluded that I must be gay even though they have no good reason to think that. i didn't have the energy to spare on trying to explain myself to them, after all, life is hard enough as it is without having the burden of explaining yourself to people who should know better than to pressure you like that.

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