Darkhorse Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I do get aroused and I recently started masturbation to get in touch with my body. I wouldn't say I had a high sex drive. It actually wasn't until I was engaged that I started to get aroused when my fiancée and I started talking about our lives together Quote Link to post Share on other sites
beorchan Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I also had a really hard time figuring out I was asexual, for a lot of the same reasons you did. I'm very romantic, get turned on, have a high (albeit voyeuristic) interest in sex, and had a hell of a lot of trouble understanding the definition of asexuality and the difference between romantic and sexual attraction, and between sexual attraction and arousal. The thing that did it for me was the realization that what I thought was "hot" was completely different from what physically aroused me. As soon as I connected that with the idea of sexual arousal being different from sexual attraction it was a slippery slope to the realization that my arousal was caused by fetishes and not attraction to other people. Still, it took a long time and a lot of soul searching before I was completely sure. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ficulnean Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 i had the issue with fetishes. I thought butterflies in my stomach and wanting to be close to someone (sensually, but still minimally at that) was the extent of sexual attraction. I thought that because I have a preference of people who are good looking, including just random people who fall under it, that was the entire basis for sexual attraction. Aside: when I say a piece of clothing looks good on you, I mean literally that. If I could wear it to the same effect I would. I thought this meant I must sexually like something about said person attached to the clothing, but I don't. I want to try sex maybe just once to see if people really do react like this. I would have shocked myself with electricity when it first came into use (whichwas an option) even if I believed that it might just be a bit stupid. I also, and this makes me feel even worse because I know its just a fantasy; I want to find a partner I dont need to tell about my asexuality because they make me feel better than everybody else does. More realisti though is me finding another asexual who I never need to tell because we're never tempted to--this is unlikely in the extreme to, but still more likely than that first thing. Which really tells me that that first thing is never going to happen. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I have Asperger's and I'm very introverted which still makes me question my asexuality. I have difficulty trusting others and take time to open up. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AceInhibitor Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 I am very flirty, and sometimes I do want to kiss people, like when I fancy them, or if I'm drunk and hormones are running a bit high, although I can't say that urge comes around hugely often. I fancy a lot of celebrities. Like a lot. I'm very fond of aesthetics, I like pretty things, can't help it. Occasionally have a libido I guess, so I assumed I wasn't asexual, and I've had a few intense crushes in the past so I figured that was both sexual and romantic, but I didn't want to have sex with them, I just wanted to talk to them all the time and maybe kiss them and cuddle them sometimes. Although I feel romantic attraction and I'm pretty averse to the idea of a relationship, so now I'm wondering if I do feel sexual attraction and I just ignore it because I don't actually want sex, or I'm scared of it or something, and I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to someone or I'm just hormonal. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AceInhibitor Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Oh man, you've hit a lot of points that made me confused as well. I'm not really a flirt, but I can relate to almost all of the others. 1) I'm not sexually attracted to people, but I'm hella aesthetically attracted to people. To the point where I thought that it must be sexual, but I realized after coming to AVEN that thinking someone is attractive =/= wanting to have sex with them. That was an awesome realization for me. 2) I like porn (not really the kind of porn that's very clearly, obviously fake, though - and not straight porn either). I have tons and tons of kinks and I masturbate pretty frequently to it. But as soon as I put myself into the equation, I'm immediately turned off and I have to put that thought far out of my mind. It's just the acts that are arousing to me, not the people. 3) I'm also pretty romantic. But I'm also demi-romantic, which confused the hell out of me for a while. I had so many crushes, but as soon as I would be asked out by them, I would turn them down every time and I'd wonder why the hell I did that. But it was because I just can't be in a romantic relationship with someone I haven't gotten to know really, really well first. I'm terrified of commitment and the expectations they might have. And I'm not into the whole "dating" thing either. It might be weird to some people, but my ideal relationship resembles just a strong friendship (but still very much a monogamous relationship). And over time I'm sure I would get used to the idea of touching them, holding their hand, kissing, etc. But it weirds me out to think about doing that with someone I've just started a relationship with. This is just like me! I think it's because it seems like there's all these rules in romantic relationships and I don't understand them and I don't want to be part of it. I want to be free to do what I want when I want, not meet up with my partner all the time because otherwise we'll expire or something. I mean I talk to my best friends every day but I'm not romantically attracted to any of them. Plus I'm scared of how I'd approach the sex aspect. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
paperwishes Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Well I'm really sensual so that's made me wonder sometimes. Also I have felt the urge to have sex with certain people in certain circumstances. But I felt attracted to aspects of their personality. I also get reactions from reading erotica... But I don't go looking to read it. But all in all, I don't care for having sex and I've never looked at a guy and thought WOW I WANNA BANG HIM so I'm pretty sure I'm not sexual haha. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Eva Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 My friends and I are very tactile. We touch and caress each other. Skin contact is important to me. It's sensual and it makes me love my body (and my friends!), but it doesn't cause a sexual response in me. Also, I'm very sexual with myself in private. It's bliss. It's transcendent. But other people aren't in the equation. I do have some fetishes that require other people. They involve sensual pain that doesn't lead to sexual gratification. It's part of my desire to feel my own body, I think. So I guess I'm saying that I do have some things in my life that could logically lead to sex with other people as a next step, but my mind doesn't take me there, and therefore my body doesn't go there. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Schrecken Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 I have a long history of having crushes (even though I almost never desired sexual intercourse with my crush), I have always masturbated, even from a very young age, and I have some kinks. And, once in a blue moon, I do feel that I come across someone whom I find sexually attractive, even if I have no desire to have sex with them. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chatelaine Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 This is a great thread! I started worrying about it in middle school, I think, when I realized that my friends were suddenly really interested in boys and had crushes and I was just like — sitting there with my book. They would rag on my constantly because I never could seem to tell when a boy was flirting with me. To this day, even my best friend marvels at how completely oblivious I am to flirtation/getting hit on. It's just not on my radar, I guess. What I couldn't figure out was why —if I was asexual—I was still kind of romantic. Like, I did enjoy watching movies or reading novels where there was a love story. I didn't necessarily mind sex scenes and, in fact, I think what troubled me the most deeply and ultimately propelled me to figure out what was "wrong" with me was related to that. Even in my earliest trial and error with masturbation, I never thought about myself in the act. I actually stopped masturbating all together for quite a long time because I was convinced that this voyeurism (admittedly for fictional characters most of the time, ha) meant there was something very sexually perverse about me. As I ventured back into it as a means to release physical tension (I danced for a while and it was actually quite helpful at releasing leg tension) and I found, once again, that I always had to think about sexual scenarios in the third person. I chalked it up to being a writer and decided to just stop worrying about it — I mean, even if a real life person got thrown in there on occasion, no one would ever know about it, it would certainly never be exploited in any way, and I was making myself ill worrying about. Then, as I started researching and found this community and sort of put 2+2 together, it all seemed to make perfect sense. Just being here now and reading how other people are really put off by kissing makes me feel much better already! Initially I just assumed that if I didn't enjoy making out it must mean I was gay, but then I realized — wait, it's not the man that's the problem, it's just the act period! And as for having sex—no matter what, no matter who, it was always the same story: "are we there yet?!" I remember one time I was with a guy and he had a very high sex drive and he wanted sex and I said, "Fine, but can I keep reading my book?" That was the kind of sex I could tolerate ;) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tóka Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 all the time im like "-sees girl- o she cute" but rarely admit it haha Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Francoise Wang Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Oh, I guess have a lot of traits that are not like typical asexuals. I'm heteromantic, and I'm attracted to some men's physical appearance (face and body) very often. And that's not pure aesthetic attraction, because it feels different from looking at a beautiful woman. I can often feel that some men are "hot" (but still don't desire to do or fantasize doing anything sexual with them). I masturbate quite often, and really enjoy masturbating. It's not like some asexuals only do it because of their libido and feels like "scratching a itch", I don't think I have a high libido, I just do it for physical pleasure. I sometimes fantastize having sex with men (I can't imagine having sex with a woman) when masturbating, and focus on the physical sensation that I could have in the fantasy, to help myself getting stronger physical sensation when I stimulate myself. But I have no desire to actually do those things I fantasized, and it wouldn't be pleasurable for me if I have to do it in reality. I'm sensitive when having physical contact with people I find attractive enough. I would feel like having electricity go through my body, getting butterflies in my stomach, and my mind goes blank when touching him or being touched. And this can trigger my romantic feelings towards him. But I only feel these kind of strong feelings when the touching is non-sexual (with clothes on and without touching genitals). Once the physical contact goes further and become more sexual, I would stop feeling anything, and just feel it is boring. I'm sometimes aroused by porns or erotic novels. But I still don't like to watch porns or read erotic novels, and don't want to masturbate to them. I'm not repulsed by almost anything. I'm not repulsed by nudity, romantic relationship, physical intamacy, sex scenes in movies or novels, human genitals, all kinds of things I can think of. I'm even not repulsed by sex itself. And I even find these things fascinating. I can enjoy some non-penetrative sexual act, although only in very rare occasions. Seeing my partner having pleasure can sometimes be enjoyable to me. But I still never desired it or initiated it. I'm fascinated by human sexuality. I do a lot of research on it. I'm very curious about sex in a intellectual way. I talk about sex more than most of the sexual people. I can perfectly understand all kinds of sex jokes, and tell sex jokes just like other sexual people do. I don't particularly like flirting, but can easily tell when somebody is flirting with me or having a crush on me, and I'm not repulsed to that. I'm hyperromantic, I think I'm way too easy to be attracted to people, easier than most of the romantic sexuals. My romantic feelings towards people can by easily triggered by physical appearance or physical touch (Although most of the time I don't actually want to form a romantic relationship with that person). I've always craved for romantic relationship just like romantic sexual people do. I consider physical intamacy important to me in a romantic relationship. I like all kinds of physical intamacy (such as cuddling, kissing, fondling etc) as long as it doesn't involve genitals. My ideal relationship would include physical intamacy. I have never had any physical or mental health issues, have always been even physically and mentally healthier than most people of my age. I have never taken any long term medication. Even my mother haven't taken any long term medication during pregnancy or breastfeeding. I have an average personality and an average social life. I have never had any traumatic experience, and have lived a very smooth life so far. So there wouldn't possibly be any cause to my asexuality other than genetic reason. But none of these traits are directly related to "sexual attraction towards other people", so I still consider myself asexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chatelaine Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I'm fascinated by human sexuality. I do a lot of research on it. I'm very curious about sex in a intellectual way. I talk about sex more than most of the sexual people. I can perfectly understand all kinds of sex jokes, and tell sex jokes just like other sexual people do. I don't particularly like flirting, but can easily tell when somebody is flirting with me or having a crush on me, and I'm not repulsed to that. Me too! Based on my outward attitude to sex I don't think even my closest friends would suspect my asexuality. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dash Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Well, I knew I was ace at 11. I'd also known I was telepathic since I was 7. But when I was 12, I still wasn't able to "parse out" others' feelings from my own all the time, and there was this one kid at school who gave off "you want me" vibes (so everywhere he went he had literally a PACK of girls following him, it was pretty lulzy and everyone, even the teachers, commented on this). I absolutely HATED feeling this way when I was near him, but as I said I wasn't old enough to be able to parse out "this is external" from "this is internal," and plus I had my family telling me I wasn't really telepathic and my senses weren't real (and had I no role models with senses like mine, no one to just tell me I was OK and I was going to be OK) -- seriously I was totally alone -- every time I saw him I just had a massive panic attack and even thinking about him or seeing his name gave me a massive panic attack and yet my mom was like "you have a crush on a boy! your first crush! that's so wonderful, you should stop being afraid, and enjoy it!" or even worse "do you want him to hug you and kiss you?" except NO I did NOT have a crush on him and AHHH I did NOT want him hugging let alone kissing me, though it took me years to sort out what had happened there back in junior high. I thought I was going crazy. These feelings weren't mine and I was too young to know how to parse them. So at the time I thought "OMG maybe I do have a crush on him," and so I thought having a crush on someone meant having massive panic attacks whenever you saw them or even heard reference to them. Which made me all the more terrified of having crushes. This was NOT FUN. By 17 I no longer had any trouble at all figuring out "mine" from "this is from the outside." (Which doesn't mean I didn't have relationship drama, it just meant I had DIFFERENT relationship drama.) I think it was developmental, looking back. If the adults in my life had been able to explain to accept that I didn't actually have a crush on him (as I said I didn't) and explain to me why I was feeling the way I was around him, that these were others' feelings/others' signals and my confusion was developmental, and that some day I would be able to easily parse out external feelings from my own, that I didn't have to panic over OMG I'm becoming sexual and I hate this because this wasn't "my hormones" or a sudden switch up in my sexual orientation (ace to heterosexual... which also would have required folks back then to know asexual was a thing, which they also didn't), if the adults in my life could have helped me understand that even if feeling others' emotions is really really uncomfortable at times, that doesn't "make those feelings mine" or mean my orientation is anything other than what I know it to be (sex-repulsed ace)... this would have helped me A LOT. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Member7783 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I never think about sex, but can be physically aroused to a point where I can masturbate or have sex if necessary. I don't have sexual fantasies. I can be enamoured by someone but won't sexually objectify them. In the right situations (under the influence of alcohol), I can be a flirt - to the point of being a tease, but will never take things to the next level. I always felt a crushing guilt after a sexual encounter, as though I had somehow defiled them or had done something dirty or shameful. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hwaet Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 I would always get to certain point in an encounter where I felt the need to stop, as if I were going too far. I would actually wait for the person to say "no, this is too much for me," or a thunderclap from the sky, or something to stop it all. Then, my brain would do the equivalent of a stutter, and I would stop. This led to, three or four times, confusion and hurt for the other person. I felt horribly, both for what I had done and by the idea that I had "led them on" to believe that I could do something. I also found it odd that someone would actually reach the point where someone would want to have sex with me. My awkwardness, shyness, and years of orthodontic appliances led me to believe that I would never make someone swoon with desire. So my response of "Really?" was met with either bewilderment, hostility, or awkwardness. Even this post is awkward. Meh. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jordan... Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 I would say the only thing that makes OTHER PEOPLE question my asexuality is the fact that I am a flirtatious bastard... But this is only because I use this as a defence mechanism to stop people from getting close. Other than that, not much I can think of Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sleepy Skeleton Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 I fantasize. A lot. To the point that I'm pretty sure I think about sex just about as much as sexuals do, if not more. Any time, any place. But I never fantasize about me. It's ALWAYS about fictional characters that I ship together. I sometimes read smut fanfiction, too, but usually I prefer using my imagination. I never use sexual fantasies as a prelude to masturbation, like I've heard so many people do. There's a word that I've discovered recently that can be used to describe a person who looks at porn, reads erotica, or has fantasies, but has no desire to include themselves. It's called autochorissexual/aegosexual. Before I learned about it, I wondered if I really was asexual and not just a weirdo. But now I feel more sure than ever. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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