New and confused...

[Floss]

So....

I've been having whole bundle of feelings the past year or so. I've been in a long-term sexual relationship for the past 4 years and used to have quite a high sex drive. However, about a year and a half ago, my sex drive dwindled, and is now non existent. It is not that I am simply no longer attracted to my partner, (which is hard for him to understand), I have no desire at all. I find people aesthetically attractive, but that is all. I like hugging and close contact, but only occasional kissing and no open mouth kissing!

I would go as far to say as sex somewhat repulses me.

In your opinions, it possible for someone to "become asexual" or has my libido simply died, as I once did have one...

Apologies if this is the wrong place to post something like this, but this is the first place I found that I have felt describes how I feel.

[OttRInvy]

Given that there was such a large change it quite a short amount if time, I would suggest going to the doctor. It could have a medical explanation.

That said, sexuality is fluid and it's entirely possible that you're asexual now. I'd say if there's no medical reasoning behind it, you could identify as asexual (or not, it's really up to you how you identify).

As you are in a relationship, it's very important you communicate with him throughout this process. Be honest, and don't let him convince you to do anything you're not comfortable with. Sometimes partners feel personally insulted when someone's sex drive changes (thinking you don't l

[OttRInvy]

ove them anymore, or something like that). Once again, lots of honest communication.

I'd like to end this by saying I am not an expert. :) just some things to keep in mind; anybody else have ideas?

[Floss]

Thank you for your thoughts. :-)

Yes, I have thought about the medical angle, I suppose I've put it off due to shyness... Maybe I should bite the bullet. I am not particularly bothered about my lack of sexual attraction, it's only for my partners sake that it feels like an issue..

It is interesting what you said about the length of time, as now I think about it, I remember having a conversation with a friend about 4 years ago about not being attracted to or finding people on the street "hot". And recognising that a stranger is good looking, but just not having any desire there at all. I thought it was just hormones calming down or something. However, I was happy kissing or having sex with partners then. It's just this aspect which has disappeared the last year or so.

[Floss]

("Put it off" meaning going to the doctors!)

[OttRInvy]

Bringing up your conversation with your friend, it's very possible that you've been asexual for awhile (or perhaps grey asexual or demisexual). Sometimes asexuals who enjoy kissing and sex and find people aesthetically attractive don't really think of themselves as asexual. They think that perhaps they just have a low sex drive or a bad imagination or some other justification for why they don't have the slightest desire to have sex with attractive strangers. After all, they do enjoy sex.

I have troubles with being honest with doctors too. It's important to remember that these are professionals. They find NOTHING embarrassing (they probably have some interesting stories to tell), so why should you? You're doing the responsible thing and consulting a physician about a potential health concern.

And if tests come back that everything is normal, there's no reason to worry! It sounds like you're content with your desires. Being in a relationship can make things moe complicated, so I'd suggest looking through the forums for people in similar situations.

If you don't mind me asking, have you ever said you might be asexual when talking with your partner?

[Floss]

No, I haven't. I find it quite hard to talk to him about these kind of things as he is quite a sensitive (almost touchy) sort of person and I have the feeling that he will just take it as I don't "fancy" him anymore. Without really listening to what I'm saying. We have only just broached the subject of my lack of interest in sex despite it being this way for well over a year. Things aren't in a great place really! He has said a few times that sex is an important part of a relationship and it is quite an issue for him.

[OttRInvy]

If you do decide to identify as asexual, I would strongly suggest using the word "asexual" rather than "low sex drive" or "lack of interest." Because low sex drive and lack of interest leave a possibility of being fixed. He might suggest you take medication or he'll try more exciting/kinky things in the bedroom. Based on what you've told me, I'm doubting that would rekindle your desire for sex. If you use the term "asexual," then there's no "fixing it." You don't fix sexual orientation.

However, I will warn you that you SO probably doesn't know what asexuality is. So, if you do decide to come out to him, he might react defensively. (People have a tendency to do that when they're worried and confused.) He might try to tell you you're not asexual and come up with an alternative explanation. He might also say some hurtful things (once again, worried and confused). It might be a good idea to look up some sites (AVEN being one; they have a relationship FAQ) for him to look up and do some research. It's important that you tell him beforehand that this has NOTHING to do with how sexy he is or how much you love him. This has to do with who you are sexually. It's important to explain all of this to him and then give him some time to process. His initial reaction is probably going to be hurt and angry. You need to give him time to calm down. However, if he starts asking questions right away ("Don't you love me?" "How long have you been this way?") you will probably want to answer those questions. If he asks questions right away and starts getting angry and argumentative/defensive, it's best to tell him that you're not ignoring his questions, but you want him to read your links and have some time to think about it before talking about it again.

Once again, this is assuming you want to identify this way/you feel asexuality is a good fit. I feel like I'm making a lot of assumptions! Do you have anything else you want to talk about? Relating to your relationship or anything else? :)

[cheapcoffee]

This is almost exactly what happened to me.

I was in a sexual relationship for nearly 3 years, and several months before it ended(for various reasons) we were barely having sex, it went down to like once a month, and that's bc I lost interest in it. I just didn't want to have sex. And like you, started feeling a little repulsed by it in certain circumstances. I was terribly confused for a long while, but now when I really think about it, I was never actually sexually attracted to my partner? Or anyone? I liked sex with my partner, for a time, but it was never about my partner. If that makes sense. I had a sex drive, but no attraction. And that sex drive dwindled. (Which I'm okay with.) I have and do masturbate, pretty rarely. I'm not super interested in it.

Basically, I figured out I'm asexual, whether I always was or my sexuality shifted within the last year or so, either is entirely plausible. It happens. So yeah, in my opinion and experience, it's possible!