xoJane: Asexuality or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love No One But Me

[littleheartsofjoy]

http://www.xojane.com/sex/asexuality

This article is almost a month old, but I just came across it. Thoughts? Also, you might not want to read the comments. Some are nice and some are not.

I felt like it was kind of hard to follow personally, but she does mention and give a link to AVEN in the article.


2015 Edit - For future reference:

Asexuality, Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love No One But Me
Kissing only reminds me that humans have the germiest mouths in the animal kingdom.
BREE KATZ OCT 13, 2014

It should've been painfully obvious that I wasn't like other teenagers.

When my friends passed around erotic fanfiction of their own creation, I'd frown before I even finished the first paragraph. "But why would Leia and Emperor Palpatine agree to have a quickie in the Death Star bathroom?" I'd ask with furrowed brows. Then I'd skim the actual sex scenes while stifling a yawn.

My high school classmates didn't help stoke my curiosity either, because unlike the typical breeding ground for awkward backseat fumbles, my school was oddly overrun with waiting-for-marriage abstinence practitioners. But this was probably just as well, since kissing only reminded me that humans have the germiest mouths in the animal kingdom, and any sort of hugging, cuddling, or groping triggered some primitive part of my brain that warned me of the dangers of suffocation by a large, scary animal.


This gets me more excited than any picture of Ryan Gosling, even a shirtless one.

Sex was, however, something that everyone, including my friends, my mother, the media, and even fundamentalist fellow students seemed to obsess over, so I figured that I should probably experience the magic for myself.

I was partway through my first year of college when I first introduced a foreign object to my vagina. The object in question was the penis of a classmate who was thankfully interested solely in a one-night stand and whose name I would not reveal even if I could remember it, just as I will not reveal the dirty details of the encounter, mostly because I don't remember those, either.

It was OK, I suppose. It hadn't hurt the way I'd been led to expect, but it didn't turn me into a raging nymphomaniac, either. When all was said and done, I was far more interested in tackling the statistics problem that had been looming over me all weekend than I was in cuddling or going another round.

And yet people I consulted on the mehness of it all still insisted that it would get better, that the first time isn't really that special. As long as I kept looking, I'd eventually find the H2 to my O, or whatever chemical reaction causes a major spark.

So I kept experimenting, and my results were mostly consistent, though at least one attempt scared me off trying for months. The subject in question finished in a matter of seconds, then stretched out to laze on top of me, claiming, "I'm gonna be a gentleman and give you time to finish."

But after those months had passed, a seeming miracle happened. I felt a spark! A genuine, deep-seated desire to be with another human being in a way I had never felt before! Taken by the winds of a crazy little thing called lust, I plunged into my newly awakened sexual longings headfirst.

Yet, despite my keen sense of longing to be with the man, the actual act of lovemaking continually made me fall into a deep and instantaneous slumber. But I kept trying -- I was willing to give this more than one shot to prove that Cosmo and "Sex and the City" were right.

After three years, we had what should have been breakthrough: I had my first-ever orgasm in the bedroom of his father's house. I finally understood the motivation behind the human sex drive! Alas for my boyfriend, my sexual awakening led to a lights-out on mutual gratification. Sex was now a means to an end, and once I reached that end, I lost interest in feigning interest. At best, I, like a true gentleman, would stretch out and wait patiently for him to finish.

My boyfriend was all too aware of the loss of that lovin' feeling and took it upon himself to try and bring it back. For the winter holidays one year, we went to a woman-and LGBT-friendly sex shop in Baltimore, where he bought me a vibrator.

Though the toy was tiny, the mistake was huge. With the means to the end in my own hands, what was the point in having someone else around?


The man of my dreams has no tongue or genitals. I met him while traveling through Budapest with my ex. Sorry, hon!

My boyfriend said just after I dumped him that he'd resigned himself to living in a passionless relationship as long as it meant he wouldn't have to date again. I, however, could not imagine spending the rest of my life in a relationship that held no passion, and since being with him had confirmed that I could not experience passion for another person, I could not imagine being in another relationship. By myself, I could focus on my priorities without someone else's needs ruining my good time.

A few months after I ended what may well be my only long-term relationship, I told my father that I had no particular interest in dating again. He stared thoughtfully into the distance for a few minutes, then said, "Living an asexual lifestyle is hard, but if you can pull it off, good for you." I had no wish to get into an explanation of how living an asexual lifestyle shaped rather than hindered my non-desires, but I was glad to have the support from such a close corner.

Thanks to the wonders of post-56K-modem Internet, I can also find plenty of support from corners all around the world. Communities like the Asexual Visibility & Education Network and brave individuals who write about their experiences with asexuality give me reassurance that I'm not alone in my wish to be alone after the sun goes down.

Thanks to all the wonders of modern technology, all I need to be content in life is decent wi-fi, a stock of AAA batteries, and a red pen so I can make appropriate story notes on the next slashfic to cross my line of sight.

Edited February 1, 2015 by ithaca

[Skycaptain]

I think her article will strike a chord with a lot of us. Unfortunately I also feel that the negative and derogatory comments she has received for her honesty and candour will also strike a chord with many

[Guest]

I'm not sure I like this article, to be honest. I am all for anything pro-ace, but it almost seemed to me that she was implying aces are better than other people.. which is absolutely not true of course and is one of the first things acephobes always use against us: you think you're better than us because you don't want 'filthy sex' *sigh* ..I see people saying it repeatedly in non-ace forums, and I feel like it's articles like this (mentioning how dirty the human mouth is for example) that may give people that impression about us (that we think sexual people are filthy and dirty etc) which is not asexuality at all, that's sex-negativity and sex-repulsion and I really don't think it's cool that asexuality is so often confused with it. I may have to come back and read it when I'm in a better mood :P

And it really does come off as though she just used her sexual ex-partner then dumped him when she worked out she could give herself orgasms using a dildo, which is pretty cold and heartless >.<

[Philip027]

That's nice that she was able to figure things out, but yeah... she honestly seemed like kind of a jerk, like her relationship partner was merely a means to an end, and once she was able to figure things out she just cast him aside like yesterday's trash. There seemed to be no real emotion there.

She sounds more aromantic to me than asexual, personally. Not saying that she can't also be asexual, but to me the article is really more about aromanticism. And I don't even think most aromantic people are necessarily that cruel about it. I'm not sure it's really good publicity, for either spectrum.

[schwitz]

I liked the start, and she seemed quite funny there... but towards the end, she seemed a bit... off. Not great publicity in my books.

[Guest]

glad I'm not the only one who had issues with this article. I read the comments, and it seems like a lot more of them were saying that she was coming off as a bit of a jerk towards, and rather uncaring of, her sexual partner (which unfortunately she was) than about her asexuality itself being a bad thing.

[littleheartsofjoy]

I agree with what all of you have said, which could also be a possible reason for some of the mean comments. At the same time, the feelings of being different, I could understand. As for her libido, I'm nonlibidioist so I can't relate to that bit about the toys and related things.

[Guest]

I certainly have a libido, but can't put toys (or even tampons) near myself because the feelings are just.. blergh. She certainly seemed more in love with her dildos than with her unfortunate partner, the way she was talking :P

[Frigid Pink]

She sounds more aromantic to me than asexual, personally. Not saying that she can't also be asexual, but to me the article is really more about aromanticism. And I don't even think most aromantic people are necessarily that cruel about it. I'm not sure it's really good publicity, for either spectrum.

I agree.

I also agree that "sex-repulsion" and "asexuality" aren't the same things.

As far as the comments go, I don't believe anyone is entitled to sex or anything, really, from another person. I think it's okay to have expectations, however, it really bothers me when anyone suggests the idea that sex is an obligation under any circumstance.

[lycanrising]

yikes...those were some comments (hey, you pointed them out :P). But great article, thanks.

[PaprikaPringle]

How do you read the comments? I didn't see them

[Guest]

what bothers me (in the comments) is the people saying they are now confused over what asexuality is. I see a few people saying "I thought asexuality was a lack of desire for partnered sex, not a lack of desire for connections with other people, now I'm confused" .. If an article is going to be confusing people about asexuality then it's not good rep in my opinion. There will always be the annoying people who say sex is an obligation blah blah (which isn't true but they are douches whose minds aren't going to be changed in a hurry) but confusing people about what asexuality is.. well.. that's frustrating >.<

EDIT: in reply to Frigid Pink, yeah they mention they will have to do some further reading, which is great, but they seemed to have a pretty good idea about asexuality in the first place and this has managed to confuse that. Hopefully people who don't know anything about asexuality aren't going to come along and read an article like this, and think this is what asexuality is about (and hence develop a negative opinion toward asexuals right off the bat). It'd be good if everyone could take the initiative to research for themselves before jumping on the anti-ace train as a knee-jerk response to this kind of rep (as I have seen many people do before)

[poindexter]

They should be at the bottom of the page, just keep scrolling down.

[PaprikaPringle]

Wait I've found it, webpage hadn't loaded properly

[PaprikaPringle]

What annoys me is that a lot of people think that a person who doesn't want to have sex has to have sex with their partner has to fill their sexual needs. No they can do what the damn well they want, the other person doesn't 'own' them and they don't need to feel pressured into doing things they don't want to

[Frigid Pink]

what bothers me most in the comments is the people saying they are now confused over what asexuality is. I see a few people saying "I thought asexuality was a lack of desire for partnered sex, not a lack of desire for connections with other people, now I'm confused" .. If an article is going to be confusing people about asexuality then it's not good rep in my opinion. There will always be the annoying people who say sex is an obligation blah blah (which isn't true but they are douches whose minds aren't going to be changed in a hurry) but confusing people about what asexuality is.. well.. that's frustrating >.<

Yeah, that's unfortunate if some people feel confused about asexuality after an article like this, however, I hope they'd further educate themselves and clarify their confusion vs. change their personal understanding of asexuality based on one new article.

[Guest]

What annoys me is that a lot of people think that a person who doesn't want to have sex has to have sex with their partner has to fill their sexual needs. No they can do what the damn well they want, the other person doesn't 'own' them and they don't need to feel pressured into doing things they don't want to

Sadly many sexual people feel differently,they kind of see sex in a relationship as an obligation and get annoyed when anyone suggests otherwise.. though I do agree with you! :)

[poindexter]

What annoys me is that a lot of people think that a person who doesn't want to have sex has to have sex with their partner has to fill their sexual needs. No they can do what the damn well they want, the other person doesn't 'own' them and they don't need to feel pressured into doing things they don't want to

It's a complex situation. On the one hand, I completely agree that no one should feel pressured into having sex. On the other, they don't need to be completely selfish and unsympathetic like the person who wrote the article seemed to be. She basically makes it seem that all she wanted the guy for was sex (because that's all she spoke about in the article), and because she was able to fulfill that desire on her own, she no longer had any use for him and threw him away.

She says her relationship had no "passion" (read: sexual passion, as if all an ace wants out of a relationships is sexual passion!) so she didn't need it any more. No touching on the subject of human connection and interaction, nothing about romance, having someone to share your time with. This article is all sex sex sex.

I don't think there is ever going to be an easy compromise between a sexual and an asexual, but people don't need to be self-important dicks about it, whether they're the ones instigating it or not.

[Frigid Pink]

What annoys me is that a lot of people think that a person who doesn't want to have sex has to have sex with their partner has to fill their sexual needs. No they can do what the damn well they want, the other person doesn't 'own' them and they don't need to feel pressured into doing things they don't want to

Sadly many sexual people feel differently,they kind of see sex in a relationship as an obligation and get annoyed when anyone suggests otherwise.. though I do totally agree with you! :)

I think it's important to acknowledge and respect the needs of both the asexual and the sexual partner(s) and I don't think the needs of any one partner are more important than the needs of any other.

[Guest]

It's a complex situation. On the one hand, I completely agree that no one should feel pressured into having sex. On the other, they don't need to be completely selfish and unsympathetic like the person who wrote the article seemed to be. She basically makes it seem that all she wanted the guy for was sex, and because she was able to fulfill that desire on her own, she no longer had any use for him and threw him away.

I don't think there is ever going to be an easy compromise between a sexual and an asexual, but people don't need to be self-important dicks about it, whether they're the ones instigating it or not.

^^^ this!

[PaprikaPringle]

Yes I agree with that also. By the way I was on about the comments not the woman in the article :)

[Guest]

What annoys me is that a lot of people think that a person who doesn't want to have sex has to have sex with their partner has to fill their sexual needs. No they can do what the damn well they want, the other person doesn't 'own' them and they don't need to feel pressured into doing things they don't want to

Sadly many sexual people feel differently,they kind of see sex in a relationship as an obligation and get annoyed when anyone suggests otherwise.. though I do totally agree with you! :)

I think it's important to acknowledge and respect the needs of both the asexual and the sexual partner(s) and I don't think the needs of any one partner are more important than the needs of any other.

true! I was referring only to when people think sex is an obligation, which it never is. Both partners needs are important but sex is never an *obligation* just because two people are in a relationship.

EDIT: that doesn't give the asexual the right to treat the sexual like a sex object then dump them though, which is sort of what I got from this article.

[Frigid Pink]

What annoys me is that a lot of people think that a person who doesn't want to have sex has to have sex with their partner has to fill their sexual needs. No they can do what the damn well they want, the other person doesn't 'own' them and they don't need to feel pressured into doing things they don't want to

Sadly many sexual people feel differently,they kind of see sex in a relationship as an obligation and get annoyed when anyone suggests otherwise.. though I do totally agree with you! :)

I think it's important to acknowledge and respect the needs of both the asexual and the sexual partner(s) and I don't think the needs of any one partner are more important than the needs of any other.

true! I was referring to when people think sex is an obligation, which it never is. Both partners needs are important but sex is never an *obligation* just because two people are in a relationship.

EDIT: that doesn't give the asexual the right to treat the sexual like a sex object then dump them though, which is sort of what I got from this article.

I agree.

I think that respect for one another and consideration for one another's feelings is the key in a situation like this (or in any situation, for that matter).

[Rising Sun]

This girl sounds like somebody who is unable of love. I feel so sorry for her ex-boyfriend.

People who read this article now probably equate asexual with insensitive asshole :(

[Guest]

yeah I just watched her YouTube video clips.. two songs about how much she hates her ex.. I'm wondering how much of this article is actually asexuality and how much of it is just anger at her ex? :o

[PaprikaPringle]

I don't think that the needs of an asexual partner are more important, just that they shouldn't have to do something they don't want to and its not their duty