Did you think you were gay/straight?

[WhenSummersGone]

I haven't seen a topic on this yet or maybe I missed it. Sorry if this is the wrong forum for this question.

After having sex did you think you could be gay or straight? Did you try having sex with someone else? Was it pretty much the same?

I ask because I have been curious and maybe I could want sex with someone else. Although I still don't think I'm sexually attracted to anyone without an emotional connection. Was anyone else here confused?

I'm not saying asexuals need to try someone else but I'm curious if anyone has.

[IceHurricane]

For me I first tried the sex with males, and I was like "Nah, I don't like this" then I tried the sex with females and was like "Nah, I don't like this either" which made me realize I don't wanna have the sex with anyone.

[Ricecream-man]

Well, I think penises are the ugliest things in the universe so I never really thought I was gay. If mine weren't attached to me, I wouldn't be able to stand it either.

I definitely thought something was wrong with me though for the longest time. Good old social constructs...

[WhenSummersGone]

For me I first tried the sex with males, and I was like "Nah, I don't like this" then I tried the sex with females and was like "Nah, I don't like this either" which made me realize I don't wanna have the sex with anyone.

I wonder if this would be the same for me. I guess it doesn't hurt to be curious when you tried one sex and didn't like it that much lol.

Well, I think penises are the ugliest things in the universe so I never really thought I was gay. If mine weren't attached to me, I wouldn't be able to stand it either.

I definitely thought something was wrong with me though for the longest time. Good old social constructs...

I never liked the look of a penis as well. I think the female body looks better imo.

[IceHurricane]

wonder if this would be the same for me. I guess it doesn't hurt to be curious when you tried one sex and didn't like it that much lol.

I agree. It's alright to be curious, and hey, just because you're not sexually attracted to someone doesn't mean you can't enjoy sex in general. I say if you're willing to try with other people, than go for it. ^_^

[WhenSummersGone]

wonder if this would be the same for me. I guess it doesn't hurt to be curious when you tried one sex and didn't like it that much lol.

I agree. It's alright to be curious, and hey, just because you're not sexually attracted to someone doesn't mean you can't enjoy sex in general. I say if you're willing to try with other people, than go for it. ^_^

That's true. There are other reasons or ways to have a good/ok time without sexual attraction.

[Lyariage]

Yep! Lots of confusion over here! After years of trying to figure out why I had an issue with physical intimacy with males, I decided I must have been pansexual, and just had an unresolved issue with physical intimacy towards males that maybe was not going to present with females.

...nope. She was more sexual than any male I'd been with and I certainly wasn't any more comfortable with her. Except for the fact that she didn't have a penis. I think penises aren't the best looking things either lol (sorry guys!).

So I then I decided to give the male relationship another shot, which didn't work, so I decided I was just odd, and it was easier to stay away from relationships completely until I became not-odd. Then I found AVEN ^_^

And it turns out I'm not so odd after all (or maybe I am :P) and am actually asexual. I was also a repressed aromantic back then too, if there ever was such a thing.

I know you were asking about sex in general, and mine is a tale of self-realised asexiness, but having tried sex with different people cause I was confused about myself, I can definitely relate. I guess some people just know, and some people have to figure themselves out through trial and error. I was the latter :)

[Amedot]

I haven't seen a topic on this yet or maybe I missed it. Sorry if this is the wrong forum for this question.

After having sex did you think you could be gay or straight? Did you try having sex with someone else? Was it pretty much the same?

I ask because I have been curious and maybe I could want sex with someone else. Although I still don't think I'm sexually attracted to anyone without an emotional connection. Was anyone else here confused?

I'm not saying asexuals need to try someone else but I'm curious if anyone has.

1) After having sex did you think you could be gay or straight?

I always knew I wasn't straight, long long before I had sex. When I was a kid, I had internalized homophobia (afraid of being gay because I knew it wasn't accepted*) and a horrible, sinking suspicion that I wasn't even gay... that I was some weird anomaly. I used to have extreme anxiety over having sex in the future. My entire family (mother especially) was very open about sex education, but also seemed really, really heavy on the fact that people couldn't control themselves when they were young and to restrain as much as possible (so was school sex ed, so I basically thought I was a freak for not liking people and having no interest in sex). When I say "when I was a kid" I mean a very young kid, up until I was fourteen/fifteen. By the time I was that age, I figured I was bi, and by the time I was sixteen I knew I was asexual (but still felt terribly confused).

2) Did you try having sex with someone else?

I've only had sex with girls. One girl had a penis, does that count as different? IDK. I don't think genders or bodies matter much to me, although I don't really like cisgender men very much (I've had crushes on trans men, but never had the urge to pursue romance, not sure if I'm into dudes at all). So IDK, there's more than 2 genders to me, I've had sex with different kids of girls (hopefully that's not offensive to say?)

3) Was it pretty much the same?

No, not really. I actually enjoy sex to an extent. I've had a casual sexual encounter with someone I'm very close with, but not romantically, and a longterm relationship that was sexual. The experiences I had were all vastly different from eachother.

And yes. I'm very confused about sex, how I feel about sex, my boundaries with sex, what's caused by trauma and what's truly me, etc. Honestly sex is like this giant ball of anxiety, and it's also this no big thing that I'm totally fine with, so long as boundaries are respected regardless of how "strange" they might be.

Well, I think penises are the ugliest things in the universe so I never really thought I was gay. If mine weren't attached to me, I wouldn't be able to stand it either.

I definitely thought something was wrong with me though for the longest time. Good old social constructs...

I never liked the look of a penis as well. I think the female body looks better imo.

I think penises are not aesthetically pleasing, but I don't use genitals to define a male/female body. And it's also really limiting to do so. This isn't Hot Box nor am I in a position to be educating people about gender issues (as I'm cis) but I just felt like I had to bring this up in a really gentle way.

[Philip027]

Never had sex. But, I still consider myself "straight" because my preferred company is generally the opposite sex and therefore they tend to be the ones I develop the closest connections to.

[Aisntllecxtual]

No, it has never even crossed my mind to have sex with another guy - not even the least bit curious, absolutely no wondering. And heterosexual relations have left me spiritually empty, if indifferent, perhaps, it would have been a bit better, to time now feelingly utterly bored to point of acute repulsion (I hate to say it but I did not get any pleasure in satisfying my wife - soon, I think, to be past partner, tragic, but for the best I believe - only confusion and resentment... disturbing and sad). In regard to previous sexual orientation of import, I considered myself for a good portion of young adulthood to be transsexual. I have yet to understand whether this past was/is complexly interconnected/explanatory to my asexual nature earlier and present overt identification now - I tend to believe it could be significant. Even today, in the autumn of my life, I wonder whether this past has really left me - outgrew it, if that's even possible - or whether I am still gender dysphoric. I took an exam online several days ago and fell just one question short of "qualifying" as gender dysphoric. In short, the contextual questioning for me has taken the form of reflecting upon gender rather than sexual interest/attraction.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I've always been squarely heteroromantic, so no, never really considered that I could be gay.

Ironically though, my sexual orientation is (at least potentially and in theory) much more fluid than the emotional one. But as a thing in itself, it's just so weak that it's nearly meaningless. And my demisexual tendencies naturally keep it in check anyway. :lol:

[thatotherguy57]

I always thought I was straight. Even after the one time I had sex, I still thought I was straight; the one thing that changed was that I had learned that sex wasn't the greatest thing ever, as I had been lead to believe.

[butterflydreams]

I haven't had sex yet. Honestly, through a non-stop cultural narrative, I always kind of figured I "just would" eventually, and it would be with a woman, and I never gave it much thought. When I did give it thought, I realized it scared the shit out of me. In fact, the more I liked someone, the less appealing the notion of sex with them felt (from "meh" to "oh goodness, please no :( "). I've always felt that way, even when I was really young (like 11-12). I didn't realize that's not exactly how you're supposed to feel.

I don't think I ever considered that I was gay, only because I had a really hard time connecting with most guys from day one on this earth. In my early childhood, most of my friends were girls. It was just easier. It's still easier today. But believe me when I say that I have tried very hard to entertain all angles of thought. I tried really hard to imagine being gay, but it's not quite there either. I've had a handful of really close guy friends over the years who I wanted to be super close and exclusive with, but in a way that's just not talked about. It was like wanting an exclusive platonic partnership kind of thing.

I'm convinced now that the "nut to crack" here so to speak is my internal sense of gender, which, thankfully and excitedly, I'm figuring out now. I don't think the connection with guys is ever going to work out, and I don't think I'll bother. Sex with a woman can work for me I think, as long as I'm respectful of my gender-ness.

PS: Penises? Not ugly per se, but poorly designed. Imagine having one

[Guest]

I thought I was Lesbian (...of ill-defined gender/anatomically challenged, whatever you'd call it).

I still wonder if that isn't exactly what I would have been if that pesky Y chromosome would have been a second X. I guess I wouldn't mind being (homo!)sexual if I was physically female... but it would suck big time to be sexual with this body right here. I'm glad to be ace, makes life incredibly easier.

[Xavy]

I figured out I wasn't gay or bi because I spent a lot of time researching what those orientations entailed and I knew without a doubt that I wasn't either on simple because I have never been sexually attracted to someone of my own gender. By default, I thought I must be heterosexual until I discovered asexuality was an option.

[TarinSai80]

I can relate to a lot of the stuff, people are writing. I myself never really thought much about my sexual orientation when I grew up. I rarely felt attracted to people, so I wasn't sure, what I was. Eventually I settled with bisexuality without thinking about, what it actually meant. Back then I thought to myself that I liked boys and girls (and I did - aesthetically, but never sexually, but I didn't know this back then). So - at one point I actually tried having sex with another boy, and - well, it wasn't a groundbreaking experience to me. I was like: "Meh..." The sensation of being physically intimate with another person, however - I liked that.

So - this is where I really started to confuse myself, because I started to call myself gay since I had been with another boy, and I (kinda) liked it. And since I couldn't imagine myself having sex with a girl. So yes, I did indeed start to identify as gay because I had sex - but for the wrong reasons.

Because I thought I liked having sex with other guys I continued to do so. I never tried with a girl. But for obvious reasons it never improved. I thought I just had to try it some times to get it right and enjoy it, but it never happened, and therefore I started to feel that something was wrong with me. That I was "broken".

It wasn't until about 10 years later that I discovered asexuality and things started to make sense. So today I know that I in fact was never gay, but really asexual. It just took me a hell of a lot of time to get there. I'm glad I found it though :)

[1Eleven1]

I've never had sex, but I think I've always known who I was at an early age without really understanding it until recently. Back when I was ten, a boy started spreading a rumor that I was a lesbian because I would hold hands with one of my friends who was a girl. When another friend found out, I saw her beating him up and I asked her what she was doing. She told me he called me a lesbian, a "bad word which means I want to have sex with women". I had never heard the term before and I was mortified simply because I didn't want people thinking I was interested in sex. And twelve and a half years later, I still feel that way and people are very aware (not that I force the info on them, but I think it's very clear in the way I act and discuss dating/romance). I wouldn't be opposed to dating anyone no matter who they were/any gender they identify as, but I'm only out to very few people in terms of my romantic interests.

[Spec CP]

I didn't know I was asexual any of the times I had sex. Back then, I used to think I was straight (although I did wonder whether I was gay).

I didn't like it. Ever. I tried explaining my partner that I didn't like it but the concept of not liking sex just couldn't fit in her head, and she ended up thinking I didn't like her every time. Which, in a way, was also true, sadly.

Having sex was one of the things that lead me to eventually wonder whether I was asexual.

[R_1]

I am very much a typical straight man as in you won't figure me out, but, I ain't interested into any one that way.

[WhenSummersGone]

Thanks for the replies! It's good to know I'm not alone in thinking I want gay sex or that I could be bisexual or pansexual. I guess I never thought about this until now. I sometimes look at pictures of male and female models but I still don't feel anything. That physical attraction just isn't there like it is for most people. I'm curious but I don't even think about sex that much.

[kelico]

I've never had sex, annnnd I don't care if I ever do. However, at the same time, I'm like, "Ehhh, maybe one day I'll try it...like if I get married??" Lol. But as for gay/straight. I assumed I was straight, and then I thought I was gay when I found females more pleasant to the eye and I never wanted to do anything about my crushes on guys...then for a while I identified as bi. Then pan-...I just knew something was up lol. Nothing seemed quite right to me, and I've never desired to have sex to figure it out (which of course you don't have to do to know your orientation). Then finding out about asexuality?? Ding ding ding! Correct answer.

[zebraace]

I always thought I must be straight by default, but I was really really bad at it.

[Smmk]

No, I always knew I was into guys. But I was in fact a bit dissapointed when I eventually had sex and thought: "this is it? This is were people go nuts for?"

[Keels]

Starting around puberty, I figured I was bisexual, because the flavor of attraction I felt for people didn't seem to be different based on gender. (In fact, I thought EVERYONE was bisexual, but that people just played along with hetero societal norms because that's just what one did. Ha ha ha.)

I've only had sex with women, but I've had weird, tiny "relationships" with a few guys. A giant crush on one of these guys... which never led to sex. (Gee, polaroid, maybe the universe is giving you a hint here??? Sure went right over my head.)

Now my sense is that I'm biromantic or panromantic or whatever, and somewhere on the asexual spectrum. The bi-attraction I recognized as a teenager was of the romantic/sensual/aesthetic varieties, not sexual attraction.

I'm starting to appreciate that for sexuals, sex drive / sexual attraction may completely drown out the other aspects of attraction. I have a couple of friends (one man, one woman) who freely acknowledge that they find people of their own sex attractive, but they both consider themselves absolutely, 100 percent heterosexual. That always used to confuse me. :-)

Anyway... rambling. :-)

[binary suns]

[binary suns]

[Burgundy]

I just thought I was straight because I'm attracted to men and not women.

[Skycaptain]

I suppose straight, because I can just about hug a female, but I couldn't a male, but this whole sex and attraction, romanticism thing seems to have just missed me out entirely

[cosmic-ace]

I was raised thinking anything other than heterosexual was a "sin." When I finally realized what bull that was, I started questioning. I went from straight to bi to gay to pan to gay again. Then I discovered that asexuality was not "a dislike of sex," and it all made sense to me. I always had a high sex drive so I never even considered asexuality, and I realized why I was so confused is because I was not sexually attracted anybody. I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum, and I am panromantic (though i lean towards homoromantic a lot,) but it's a lot less confusing.

I still want to have sex, it's just that I do not care who with because no matter, I will not be sexually attracted to them. I do think I only could with a deep emotional bond, though.

[Ricecream-man]

Well, I think penises are the ugliest things in the universe so I never really thought I was gay. If mine weren't attached to me, I wouldn't be able to stand it either.

I definitely thought something was wrong with me though for the longest time. Good old social constructs...

I never liked the look of a penis as well. I think the female body looks better imo.

I think penises are not aesthetically pleasing, but I don't use genitals to define a male/female body. And it's also really limiting to do so. This isn't Hot Box nor am I in a position to be educating people about gender issues (as I'm cis) but I just felt like I had to bring this up in a really gentle way.

No, you're right. That was a bit ignorant of me to say.

However, I was simply speaking of the way I felt in the context of how I felt at the time. Before the dive into discovering asexuality, I really only knew of sexual orientations without the context of gender orientations. I simply thought sexuality as what biological sex you're attracted to and nothing beyond that, so it's in that context that I made that statement. Not sure if that makes sense.