Jump to content

Feeling as though I don't "qualify" as ace/gray-ace


bunnybunnybunny

Recommended Posts

bunnybunnybunny

Hi. So, I found this website about 2 weeks ago, and it's been a trip! I've learned a lot about asexuality and myself... both good and bad.

The more I read through these forums, I feel as though I relate more than I thought I would to a lot of the people here. Yet I still feel sort of like an impostor; like I don't quite fit the label of what it is to be asexual or gray-asexual. That despite my struggles, I'm clearly a sexual person. Have any of you gone through that feeling? Do you still, or have you found an orientation label that you feel suits you (if you care about labels, anyway)?

Here are some facts about myself that are causing me to flip-flop in either direction... I know I can't rely on any of you to define me (of course!), but please feel free to toss in your thoughts! :)

Possible TMI sexual content ahead, please be warned...!

Things that make me feel like I am some sort of gray-asexual:

  • I've always been avoidant of sex. When I first started being interested in boys and even now (at age 27). At first I figured I'd warm up to it; then I figured I didn't want it because my relationships weren't ideal material; and now, even though I'm in an otherwise happy and long-term committed relationship with someone, I still avoid sex at nearly all costs.
  • I've only dated men (I'm a woman), but I've had crushes on either sex before (of varying degrees). I assumed I always had some slight bi-curious tendencies, but I recently discovered what pansexuality is, and I feel that -- as far as my romantic attraction goes, if not sexual -- that applies to me a little more accurately. Because romantic attraction doesn't involve physical sexual parts... because I'm not entirely sure sexual attraction has ever been a component in my crushes. Dating men has obviously been the easier choice -- and I do like men, anyway -- so I date them!
  • When and if I masturbate, it's rarely with specific sexual fantasies, especially involving other people. The best way I can ever reach climax is to just empty my mind and focus on physical feelings; as though I myself am not a part of it, not to mention a sexual partner. I masturbate maybe once every 2-3 weeks or so.

Things that make me feel like I'm definitely a sexual person:

  • At the beginning of my past 2 relationships, sex was a common part of it. I even initiated sex sometimes... and I enjoyed it! This is the major fact that makes me question whether my struggles could at all be labeled on the gray/asexual scale. My interest has always died out and sex has always become difficult after the first 6 months/year or so of a relationship. But initially, the sexual interest was there.
  • I choose to masturbate -- period.
  • My mother raised me with a negative, warped view on sexuality. It's entirely possible my struggles with sex stem just from the way I was raised to view it, not due to being just "who I am".

And to think it wasn't too long ago that I didn't even think romantic asexuality was even a thing. I'd heard offhand comments about asexuality before, but obviously threw that idea out the window as I wanted to be in a relationship, enjoyed it, and had clear crushes on people...!

Comment with your own thoughts and stories, please. I'd love to read them!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Gray-asexual: A person who either 1. feels sexual attraction rarely. 2. Feels sexual attraction but doesn't wish to act on it or doesn't feel the need to.

The second reason you listed for why you feel you may be sexual doesn't necessarily mean you are; since many aces do the same. Also (just in case this helps you) there are at least four known types of attraction: Sexual (attraction meaning you wish to have sex with an individual), romantic (wanting to be in a romantic relationship with an individual), sensual (wanting to do sensual thing with an individual like kissing or hugging) and aesthetic (being drawn to the looks of an individual).

In the end you can only say for sure, identify with what you're comfortable with. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, the masturbation thing REALLY doesn't matter. So you don't need to put it in either list.

I did go through a time where I felt like an asexual fake. I'm crazy pro-sex. I think sex sounds awesome! I would fantasize a lot. This made me feel like I was sexual, but I would get nervous and panic if I tried to relate my fantasies to real life. So I felt like I was sexual, but was somehow scared of experiencing it. I was wrong though. I was simply turned on by the idea of sex, but I still wasn't sexually attracted to anyone which is why fantasizing about real life made me uncomfortable. Once I realized it was fine to love the idea of sex even if there was nobody I wanted to have sex with, I became comfortable with calling myself asexual, and now I'm always calling myself ace without any holding back.

Give yourself time. You'll sort things out.

Link to post
Share on other sites
bunnybunnybunny

Gray-asexual: A person who either 1. feels sexual attraction rarely. 2. Feels sexual attraction but doesn't wish to act on it or doesn't feel the need to.

The second reason you listed for why you feel you may be sexual doesn't necessarily mean you are; since many aces do the same. Also (just in case this helps you) there are at least four known types of attraction: Sexual (attraction meaning you wish to have sex with an individual), romantic (wanting to be in a romantic relationship with an individual), sensual (wanting to do sensual thing with an individual like kissing or hugging) and aesthetic (being drawn to the looks of an individual).

In the end you can only say for sure, identify with what you're comfortable with. :)

Thanks for the response! Out of those 4 types of attractions, I know without a doubt that the last 3 apply to me. It's the first one that I'm simply unsure about. I'm sure as I browse these forums more during the coming weeks, I'll start to fill in the blanks on where I fall into it. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

What you label yourself is not important. I think the focus should be on how you feel. It doesn't matter if you are sexual or asexual at this point. You can be asexual and still masturbate and have sex. The fine distinction is whether you feel sexual attraction. The way I like to think of it if it helps is this. If you were sexual you would not doubt it. Either you have sexual feeling for men or women or I'm not sure what. You don't really have to examine that feeling. If you are asexual, you do some soul searching because the sex thing might not make sense. Another point, being asexual doesn't necessarily mean you don't want to be in a relationship, it might be the case for some, but for me I like the idea of a relationship I just find it difficult to reconcile that with sex.

Stay on the site and keep reading and soul search, who cares about the label. If this place feels comfortable and you feel you are being as respected as you are being respectful, enjoy the site. Don't feel like you don't belong (Yay, double negative).

Everyone on the site has gone through some confusion to get to asexuality, so don't feel you are alone in that as well, and if you determine that you are not, that's fine as well we can use as many allies as possible.

Have a beautiful night

Link to post
Share on other sites
WünderBâhr

Romantic attraction to either women or men does not eliminate the possibility of being asexual or sexual. It just means that you are romantically attracted to either women or men. Personally, I am panromantic (rather than pansexual) because I can experience romantic attraction to others regardless of gender; mainly bc I am indifferent to gender when it comes to the relationship. My dating experience has been with mostly men, but it's not like I only seek a particular sex/gender for that. *shrugs*

I think a lot of people get caught up in labels. I mean, it's understandable that they want a name to point to, or some understanding of what they are experiencing. But it shouldn't be an "all or nothing" sort of scenario. There's too much variety in the human race, much less the asexual community, for any label to become an instant absolute. Some members have gone years without really understanding where they fall in the (a)sexuality spectrum, but it doesn't prevent them from using the label if that is what they are comfortable with and feel they can most identify as.

Sexual activity also does not eliminate or validate a person's (a)sexuality. Some of our members masturbate, some have sex with their partners, and some wouldn't touch either topic with a fifty-foot pole. So, I don't think it's a big qualifier for whether or not someone is asexual. There's no competition for the most asexual ace, or the least asexual person. It doesn't really rank like that, especially here. So, hopefully, you are able to find a point of comfort, and can focus on being in that wonderful relationship that you have. :)

P.S. Since you mentioned the 6-month timeframe of when sexual activity feels more comfortable/natural in a relationship, that made me think of the "honeymoon period" people talk about with every relationship. I wonder if this is something that fits under the demisexuality umbrella, where those secondary factors of emotional connection and the like are most influencial to how someone experiences sexual attraction. Unfortunately, I can't really offer anything toward that. :P but I can offer :cake: Welcome to AVEN!

Edited by byanyothername
Link to post
Share on other sites
bunnybunnybunny

Well, the masturbation thing REALLY doesn't matter. So you don't need to put it in either list.

I did go through a time where I felt like an asexual fake. I'm crazy pro-sex. I think sex sounds awesome! I would fantasize a lot. This made me feel like I was sexual, but I would get nervous and panic if I tried to relate my fantasies to real life. So I felt like I was sexual, but was somehow scared of experiencing it. I was wrong though. I was simply turned on by the idea of sex, but I still wasn't sexually attracted to anyone which is why fantasizing about real life made me uncomfortable. Once I realized it was fine to love the idea of sex even if there was nobody I wanted to have sex with, I became comfortable with calling myself asexual, and now I'm always calling myself ace without any holding back.

Give yourself time. You'll sort things out.

Well... good to know. Haha!

I'm wondering if the initial sexual periods in my relationships are due to an intense desire for the idea of sex... to know that he finds me attractive, that I find him attractive (in every way but sexually if not sexually). I'm not sure I'd considered that as clearly as you've described it in your situation. Interesting.

I'm glad you're finding yourself comfortable with the label and knowing where you fit into the scale, even though sexual thoughts are a part of who you are. Wherever I land on it, I hope to someday soon be comfortable like that too, instead of feeling broken.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Too Old for this Site

Remember, there's a difference between libido and sexual attraction. Many people on the asexual spectrum have the same "biological clock" issues that sexual people have. Asexuality has to do with sexual "attraction."

Also, it's important not to put pressure on yourself to live up to any of the labels. Just be yourself, and be the best "you" you can be. :-)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, if it helps what I did since I'm a writer was write an erotic story to kind of feel myself out. It was surprisingly helpful.

Link to post
Share on other sites
bunnybunnybunny

Romantic attraction to either women or men does not eliminate the possibility of being asexual or sexual. It just means that you are romantically attracted to either women or men. Personally, I am panromantic (rather than pansexual) because I can experience romantic attraction to others regardless of gender; mainly bc I am indifferent to gender when it comes to the relationship. My dating experience has been with mostly men, but it's not like I only seek a particular sex/gender for that. *shrugs*

I think a lot of people get caught up in labels. I mean, it's understandable that they want a name to point to, or some understanding of what they are experiencing. But it shouldn't be an "all or nothing" sort of scenario. There's too much variety in the human race, much less the asexual community, for any label to become an instant absolute. Some members have gone years without really understanding where they fall in the (a)sexuality spectrum, but it doesn't prevent them from using the label if that is what they are comfortable with and feel they can most identify as.

Sexual activity also does not eliminate or validate a person's (a)sexuality. Some of our members masturbate, some have sex with their partners, and some wouldn't touch either topic with a fifty-foot pole. So, I don't think it's a big qualifier for whether or not someone is asexual. There's no competition for the most asexual ace, or the least asexual person. It doesn't really rank like that, especially here. So, hopefully, you are able to find a point of comfort, and can focus on being in that wonderful relationship that you have. :)

P.S. Since you mentioned the 6-month timeframe of when sexual activity feels more comfortable/natural in a relationship, that made me think of the "honeymoon period" people talk about with every relationship. I wonder if this is something that fits under the demisexuality umbrella, where those secondary factors of emotional connection and the like are most influencial to how someone experiences sexual attraction. Unfortunately, I can't really offer anything toward that. :P but I can offer :cake: Welcome to AVEN!

Panromantic! That must be the term I was going for when I said pansexual -- since the sexual part was sort of missing in my own thoughts. Sorry, still new to all this, and all the terms that come with it! :) Thanks though!

I suppose I see what you and Argar are saying about labels. They absolutely don't define a person, and a label isn't an end goal. I just feel that with my current situation and trying to educate myself on asexuality, the use of labels is beneficial to me right now. Just in that knowing the label exists at all, and knowing precisely what the label means, can be a tool I use to accept the fact that I am not broken; that this is a situation common enough so as to have a label. That there are other people in similar situations to me.

I see where you're at on the "honeymoon phase". Yet another thing that is normal in the sexual world (though maybe not to the degree in which mine has died)... another consideration for me to keep.

Sorry, I'm kinda rambling. Thanks a lot for the input though!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the important thing here is that you feel different enough from traditional ideas of sexuality that you are questioning your (a)sexuality in the first place. Most people don't question this. I think that's the greatest evidence here that gray-asexual could be a useful term for you if you want to use it. Labels are tools that we use to understand ourselves, and you shouldn't feel obligation to find one, but it's also okay for labels to be important to you. They are to me. Gray-asexual is a catch-all term with no strict definition. If you don't feel fully sexual, that term is definitely open to you. Here's some articles about the flexibility of the term gray-asexual and how there are so many ways to be gray: http://asexualagenda.wordpress.com/2012/08/08/many-ways-to-be-between/ http://theacetheist.wordpress.com/2014/06/30/experiences-attraction-infrequently-doesnt-cut-it/

I encourage you to keep exploring and find what feels right to you!

Link to post
Share on other sites
bunnybunnybunny

Remember, there's a difference between libido and sexual attraction. Many people on the asexual spectrum have the same "biological clock" issues that sexual people have. Asexuality has to do with sexual "attraction."

Also, it's important not to put pressure on yourself to live up to any of the labels. Just be yourself, and be the best "you" you can be. :-)

I guess... How can I tell the difference between sexual attraction and libido? I can understand asexuality as having a libido but not acting on it, having no sexual attraction -- but how can someone feel sexual attraction without libido?

Sorry to place this question on you... if there's another thread on this question I'll try to find it!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Attraction (IMO) is like a magnet; you want to do something with a particular person (or many in some cases). Libido is more of a hormonal/biological type thing as I see it, everyone has some form of libido and some to a far lesser extent than other (note how some people here have nonlibitoist or libitoist mentioned under their a/sexuality), that would be what causes urges and all that (what might cause you to want some form of sexual gratification). It in the case of sexual people is often directed towards another person but in the case of many aces it's just sort of there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

That was an interesting question. How can you have sexual attraction without libido?

It reminded me of a scene from Family Guy were an old man in a wheel chair sees an attractive woman and starts hitting his crotch saying "Wake up you!"

It also reminded me about something I heard a while ago "Sex is between the ears, not between the legs."

I think there are some cases where men want to have sex not because its a biological urge like libido, but because they want to prove they can. It becomes about the conquest, and that's what turns them on. Some people get turned on by dominating others, not necessarily libido. In some cases you have certain fetishes that turn some people on as well. I think of people with sex addiction that have to have it, even if they have little or no libido. Sex becomes almost like OCD in a way.

That about all I could think of related to the question.

Link to post
Share on other sites
littlepersonparadox

How i see it is that sexual attraction is the active desire to have sex with someone in the sense that it's a craving you want them and that's a all engulfing feeling. the desire to have sex in a I want you now kinda fashion and i want to because d*** it feels good thing is well two compleatly different entities. That is to say wanting to have sex because you like how it feels or that you want the intimacy is different than wanting sex because they look hot/ so attractive you want them then and there.

Gray is sparzatic sexual attraction and demi is after emotional connection (often deep) is formed you have sexual attraction towards that person. And doubting yourself is normal. I've done it for a while after learning i'm ace and so do a lot people. I know bisexuals who still doubted themselves after just saying 2 seconds earlier that they felt attracted to both (insert name of dude here) and (insert name of girl here) just this week. self-dobut is normal. Its easier to trust someone else than ourselves sometimes and that's part of the issue with society treating hetronormative stuff as the default - it makes it harder for us to just accept ourselves and turns self-acceptance into a process that takes time. Ultimately the best thing i have found is to just let myself feel what i feel - or don't feel- without trying to over-analyse. Emotions are just that emotions and over-analyse them leads to self-doubt and complicating where it doesn't have to be. Ask yourself where the emotions are comming from and maybe why but learn to be satisfied with the first answers you give yourself. (note this really works a lot better and only when you learned to be honest with yourself but it seems you got that part down)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ricecream-man

I can totally relate. I'm a grey-a myself and yes I have had sex and more often than I care to admit.

My sexual desires before I aknowledged my asexuality came from a feeling of accomplishment and a milestone so to speak.

I had self esteem issues growing up and thought that nobody could like me. Ever.

But then the weirdest thing happened the day I graduated high school. 4 different girls came up and told me they had crushes on me throughout high school but never thought I would be interested back (ace red flag there).

Hearing this I told myself that I would be more outgoing and more confident in high school. So I went out and talked to more people and became mote social. Now, unfortunately American culture places a lot of a young man's worth on his sexual prowess, and I succumbed to that pressure. I went out and tried to have as much sex as possible, and it was a lot of fun until we got naked. The chase was exhilarating. The sex was numbing. I just kind of went through the motions and tried to get the girl off. It was kind of fun in the way solving a puzzle is fun, but the whole fluids thing made it a bit icky.

Now I thought I just didn't enjoy it because I wasn't in love. Cue relationship.

Once again getting to the point was fun. Even the first few times was nice. I felt like my girlfriend had come to trust me and open up to me that much more. Plus, making her happy was good to see. It soon goy monotonous though and she could tell. Unfortunately, she thought it was because I no longer cared about her and she left.

Long anecdote sorry for that.

TLDR: I can relate :)

As for the sex without libido thing. Just think of old people. Old men might not be able to get it up but many are still very sexual in nature. Old women post menopause no longer have the hormonal cycles that provide biological urges but some still crave sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I could have written the original post. :-)

Anyway, your first point on your "but maybe I'm sexual" list hits home with me. I've only had a handful of relationships that amounted to anything, but in all cases, there was a several-month period of enthusiastic, happy sex that started sometime after the first few dates. Then my interest would gradually die off, and with it, in general, the relationship.

Using the asexuality point of view, what I think I'm realizing is that the way I'm wired, I don't have sex because of (that mythical beast known as) sexual attraction. Instead of "I'm having sex with you because sexual attraction makes me want you", my motivations are always along the lines of "because I want to get to know you" or "because I want to experience something enjoyable/fun with you" or "because I want to feel togetherness, closeness, intimacy with you". Over time, those motivations are more and more easily trumped by things like "I know you are/I am tired/sick/stressed/whatever, and I want you/me to get a good night's sleep", or any other daily-grind rationale that might come up.

(Aside: Honestly, that's one of my more ace-y tendencies, the thing where I feel like I'm being a good guy and virtuous by not 'bothering' somebody for sex when they're tired or stressed or run down. Let's see, "In general, I'd prefer a good night's sleep to sex, so obviously my partner must too" is pretty much textbook asexuality, right?)

So anyway, I'm also neck-deep in the process of trying to figure out whether these labels apply to me. It really feels like a definition of asexuality along the lines of "sexual attraction hasn't been much of a motivating factor in my life" explains a lot of my history that hasn't had a good explanation up to now. But I want to be methodical and take time to sort things out, and not get bedazzled by how powerfully this seems to explain things at first look.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you should label yourself with whatever you feel comfortable with ;)

You don't have to 'fit' perfectly into something.

I doubted my own sexuality at first because I thought I wasn't demisexual enough. I do have sexual urges, but I rarely act on them. But the more I read on AVEN, the more I realised it didn't really matter and that there are all sorts off people around.

Demisexual fitted me best and I am happy that I can say that now.

I hope you'll experience the same happyness I did, whatever you choose to label yourself with eventually :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

As someone that identifies as grey ace/demisexual, I'll explain my experiences. I am not sexually attracted to strangers, I don't want to have sex with anyone I don't know, or people that I barely know. I can't look at someone and say "I'd bang them" (even though I hate that sort of phrase used on anyone). But if I'm with someone for awhile, I can start developing that attraction, and wouldn't mind being intimate with them. Sometimes I might feel the need to seek that sort of thing out, but only with that person, but only because I've developed feelings for them.

If you are like this too, you may choose to identify as grey ace, but you don't have to if you don't want to!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it should be mentioned that sexual attraction has two parts, just as other attractions do. Desire to have sex; as ppl mentioned, and sexual arousal for someone else prior to a fetish or sex; just for them in general. Its also possible for someone to have only one of these two. Think about it with romantic; if you had romantic arousal for someone but didn't want to actually be in a romantic relationship with them, would you actually call that romantic attraction or just arousal? btw whats described above me is Demisexual- but its technically under the Gray umbrella.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can understand asexuality as having a libido but not acting on it, having no sexual attraction -- but how can someone feel sexual attraction without libido?

I honestly don't think you can, plain and simple. To me, all non-libidoists are asexual. It's just the reverse that's not true (i.e., not all aces are non-lib).

Link to post
Share on other sites
bunnybunnybunny

I could have written the original post. :-)

Anyway, your first point on your "but maybe I'm sexual" list hits home with me. I've only had a handful of relationships that amounted to anything, but in all cases, there was a several-month period of enthusiastic, happy sex that started sometime after the first few dates. Then my interest would gradually die off, and with it, in general, the relationship.

Using the asexuality point of view, what I think I'm realizing is that the way I'm wired, I don't have sex because of (that mythical beast known as) sexual attraction. Instead of "I'm having sex with you because sexual attraction makes me want you", my motivations are always along the lines of "because I want to get to know you" or "because I want to experience something enjoyable/fun with you" or "because I want to feel togetherness, closeness, intimacy with you". Over time, those motivations are more and more easily trumped by things like "I know you are/I am tired/sick/stressed/whatever, and I want you/me to get a good night's sleep", or any other daily-grind rationale that might come up.

(Aside: Honestly, that's one of my more ace-y tendencies, the thing where I feel like I'm being a good guy and virtuous by not 'bothering' somebody for sex when they're tired or stressed or run down. Let's see, "In general, I'd prefer a good night's sleep to sex, so obviously my partner must too" is pretty much textbook asexuality, right?)

So anyway, I'm also neck-deep in the process of trying to figure out whether these labels apply to me. It really feels like a definition of asexuality along the lines of "sexual attraction hasn't been much of a motivating factor in my life" explains a lot of my history that hasn't had a good explanation up to now. But I want to be methodical and take time to sort things out, and not get bedazzled by how powerfully this seems to explain things at first look.

Bingo... Sounds like you and I are in nearly the same boat. I'm trying to decide whether my past interest in sex with my current partner was because it was new and exciting way to get to know him, or whether it was true sexual attraction.

I guess this is why I feel like I'm struggling -- I have my partner and I want to be with him and to love him, but the whole sex thing isn't really working out. It's killing me. Normally I don't know if I'd care so much about labels, but I'm in a situation where sexuality really matters.

Whether you and I end up with an asexual label or not, this convinces me I've come to the right forums to try and figure that out. So many kindred souls!

Link to post
Share on other sites
bunnybunnybunny

As someone that identifies as grey ace/demisexual, I'll explain my experiences. I am not sexually attracted to strangers, I don't want to have sex with anyone I don't know, or people that I barely know. I can't look at someone and say "I'd bang them" (even though I hate that sort of phrase used on anyone). But if I'm with someone for awhile, I can start developing that attraction, and wouldn't mind being intimate with them. Sometimes I might feel the need to seek that sort of thing out, but only with that person, but only because I've developed feelings for them.

If you are like this too, you may choose to identify as grey ace, but you don't have to if you don't want to!

I can understand the attraction from your point of view, and I'm happy you've found a clear way to describe yourself. :)

The more I read through these forums about demisexuality, though, the more I don't relate to it myself. I've had crushes on people, and in my past 2 relationships I became sexually involved with them before I knew them all that well or before I considered love to be a part of the relationship.

Whether my attraction can be defined as sexual or just romantic, I tend to have that attraction before I really get to know them deeply. Hence my 'honeymoon periods' :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

You know, the phrase "honeymoon period" gives me a good way to think about it.

It's conventional wisdom that, in general, relationships ebb somewhat after the honeymoon period, and after that point it behooves people to 'work on the relationship' and make special efforts to keep the intimacy going and whatnot.

So here's the crux of my worries: Which of the following scenarios is true?

Scenario 1. Call me "ace polaroid". I'm really asexual. My various honeymoons have been the anomalous periods, where all the new-relationship goodness and thrills temporarily overwhelmed my native sexuality. Because of various new-relationship motivations (wanting to get to know the person, wanting to experience closeness and intimacy with them, wanting to follow the Western Post-Industrial Relationship Script, wanting to just plain have a good time with the person), I turned into a really good simulation of a sexual boyfriend. And I didn't even know any better! This just seemed right, the Way Things Go. Then, after a while, the post-honeymoon dropoff *also* seemed right, as my motivations got re-sorted in the context of a stable long-term relationship. The new-relationship tidal wave receded, and my normal motivations resurfaced. What we have now is a classic mixed relationship between a sexual and an asexual, and what we need is great communication that somehow leads to a compromise.

Scenario 2. Polaroid simply sucks at relationships. I'm actually a sexual person. The honeymoons were the 'normal' periods, me being my innate sexual self. The post-honeymoon decline was simply me not doing what I needed to do, as a partner, to keep the relationship going. Maybe I'm lazy; maybe I just don't understand how to initiate sex; maybe I'm unhappy in the relationship and doing some kind of subconscious retaliation; maybe (as I've been accused in the past) I'm actually no longer attracted to the person and I'm just lying for the sake of keeping things calm. Maybe there's something even more deeply psychological going on. At any rate, there's still a sexual person here, he's just no good at being in a long-term sexual relationship. What we need here is professional help: individual and/or couples therapy.

So the dilemma is, if #2 is true, then #1 is a cop-out. If #1 is true, then strategies that could be helpful for #2 (couples counseling, etc.) would be futile.

Anyway... this framework seems helpful to me. Possibly to bunny too? If anyone else can shed any light, I (we?) would be grateful.

Thanks, everyone, for the great discussions here.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...