The "friendzone"

[Smmk]

Every day I hear people complain about the friendzone, and it kind of annoys me.

As a demisexual, becoming friends with someone is absolutely mandatory before I can even think about starting a relationship with someone, but well: that's just me xD

Sometimes it seems like girls (but probably boys too) are obliged to like someone just because he or she is nice to him/her. I think this is weird and I wonder what others think about this.

What are your experiences with "the friendzone" and what do you think about it?

[argar]

I've read so many article about this lately. It all came down to one point.

It is an imaginary "zone" that supposedly will transition into sex in the mind of a lot of sexual people. The theory goes that someone is friends with someone and is supportive of them for an unspecified amount if time, it somehow will transition into sex.

Worse are the ones that think women owe them something because they were nice to them.

I have been friends with women, and never had the expectations of sex or anything, but I did require there be a mutual respect.

Although to be honest, I am not very social. So I'm not sure how my experience would match with someone more social.

[crimsonwinter]

Personally, I think the friendzone is crap. For women, it seems that if a guy treats her decently, as if she's human, they deserve sex. Like, if I'm nice to you, if I'm "not like other guys," then I deserve to bang you. And it's not how it's supposed to be, right? You treating me like a human when "other guys" treat me worse doesn't make me owe you sex...

Don't ever let someone con you or make you feel bad because you "put them in the friendzone." it doesn't exist. It's just you being human and kind to someone who ultimately thinks their decency owes them sex.

[butterflydreams]

I have a hard time distinguishing the difference between friends, and "more than friends". I'm not sure I've ever been "friend zoned".

I'm either friends with someone, or I'm not. If our friendship keeps growing in such a way that it becomes something "more", that's fine (it's never happened to date). If not, all I ask is that my level of investment in the friendship be somewhat reciprocated. I feel like I'm there for friends, through all times, but then when some romantic interest comes along for them, our friendship becomes second-class. I have a hard time figuring out how to walk that line. Friendships are really important to me, and when friends don't treat them in the same way, it can be hurtful and frustrating.

[Smmk]

Thank you both for your reply's :)

I can't stand it if people think that you 'owe' them sex because of..whatever they think they did to justify this.

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks the friendzone is crap haha xD

[Anime Pancake]

I think that the people that use the term friendzone are mainly expressing their disappointment that someone only sees them as a friend.

Seeing someone only as a friend (and not having any other kind of interest in them) is not a mean or inconsiderate thing to do. We all have our preferences of who we want to date or who we are attracted to.

We all have the choice to become friends or more with whoever we want. People that use the term "friendzone" just need to accept that not everyone will be interested in them and move on.

[Zapstileon]

I honestly find friendzones to be a sad excuse for whining about not getting to have sex with people. I think it's an annoying meme that allows people the expectation of sex in return of friendliness, and if sex does not happen, they complain about being 'friendzoned'. Another of society's fun ways of saying "Sex is life!".

My only experience with friendzones is that I've apparently friendzoned a lot of people in my life. Never intentionally, but if I had been more aware, it probably would have been intentional. Also, friendzones should not be considered a concept of 'no romantic/sexual development.' In my head, no relationship can work if people are not first and foremost friends. You should want to be friendzoned before anything else happens, surely?

[SorryNotSorry]

Why don't sexuals just tell it like it is, and call it the "don't-screw-these-people" zone?

[Smmk]

I too seem to have 'friendzoned' a number of people.. But I never quite understood why they thought I was putting them in the friendzone. I just did not like them that way.

[WünderBâhr]

Friendzoning can happen to women (and/or nonsexuals), too, you know. It's the feeling that you are friends with someone, while the friendship contains elements of a relationship, and one of the two parties is interested in being more than just friends. Feeling friendzoned can happen if someone hints at, or divulges their interest, but is rejected and still expected to maintain said friendship (with more than friends-esque expectations). It can be hard being in that position, knowing that you have romantic (or even sexual, I suppose) feelings for someone, while they rant/ramble about how everyone they go out with treats them badly.

At least, that's another perspective of the "friendzone".

**

Moved to Asexual Relationships forum.

Byanyothername

Asexual Q&A Mod

[Rising Sun]

There is one thing that is still a true concern with the "friendzone" : people don't want to date their friends and consider that you can't be friends with your partner because feelings are supposed to be purely based on desire. Thankfully the whole world is not like that, because otherwise, it would reduce chances to date to 0 for us demiromantics. But it still happens too often.

[Smmk]

Friendzoning can happen to women (and/or nonsexuals), too, you know. It's the feeling that you are friends with someone, while the friendship contains elements of a relationship, and one of the two parties is interested in being more than just friends. Feeling friendzoned can happen if someone hints at, or divulges their interest, but is rejected and still expected to maintain said friendship (with more than friends-esque expectations). It can be hard being in that position, knowing that you have romantic (or even sexual, I suppose) feelings for someone, while they rant/ramble about how everyone they go out with treats them badly.

At least, that's another perspective of the "friendzone".

**

Moved to Asexual Relationships forum.

Byanyothername

Asexual Q&A Mod

I do sort of understand what you are saying. A friend of mine was in love with someone a while ago and she kept saying: "I wish I had a boyfriend like you" and such, without wanting to have a relationship with him.

I understood why he felt angry about this xD

[Hobbes!]

I think that the people that use the term friendzone are mainly expressing their disappointment that someone only sees them as a friend.

Seeing someone only as a friend (and not having any other kind of interest in them) is not a mean or inconsiderate thing to do. We all have our preferences of who we want to date or who we are attracted to.

We all have the choice to become friends or more with whoever we want. People that use the term "friendzone" just need to accept that not everyone will be interested in them and move on.

One of my friends used the term "friendzone" to describe the state in which one is romantically interested in someone who wants to be friends.

This is part of the problem, of course, that not everyone uses the term in the same way. More than once I've seen someone get blasted for expressing heartbreak over the situation - all too often, others jump to the conclusion that the "friendzoned" person is bitter, or blaming the other person for not being attracted to them (Or worse still, assuming that their heartbreak is all about sex). And to my mind, that isn't fair. People should be able to feel heartbroken. The line is crossed when someone starts to ascribe blame or malice to the person they're attracted to

[Rising Sun]

There is also another heartbreaking possibility : being friendzoned by your ex. That's what I call something hard to bear.

[Zapstileon]

There is also another heartbreaking possibility : being friendzoned by your ex. That's what I call something hard to bear.

My ex claimed to want to be friends. That would have been rather uncomfortable for both of us, though. I think it depends on how people part. We parted on anger and harsh words. Being friends would have indeed been hard to bear. I'm guessing if you part on mutually agreed terms, friendship is entirely possible.

[Amy Ghost]

Friendzoning can happen to women (and/or nonsexuals), too, you know. It's the feeling that you are friends with someone, while the friendship contains elements of a relationship, and one of the two parties is interested in being more than just friends. Feeling friendzoned can happen if someone hints at, or divulges their interest, but is rejected and still expected to maintain said friendship (with more than friends-esque expectations). It can be hard being in that position, knowing that you have romantic (or even sexual, I suppose) feelings for someone, while they rant/ramble about how everyone they go out with treats them badly.

At least, that's another perspective of the "friendzone".

**

Moved to Asexual Relationships forum.

Byanyothername

Asexual Q&A Mod

I agree this can be. But then it is something different. It is very different when one is in the "friendzone" and slowly tries for a relationship than someone, who does something nice and immediately expects sex.

[Corretto]

I'm becoming more, and more, thankful I don't have any 'real' friends...I don't feel any willingness to participate in a close relationship with Mrs Loo; a friendly 80yr old woman who runs the local fruit & vege shop!

I've never heard such palavar as this friendzone thing...if it's a recent [juvenile] popular culture thing, then I hope it'll fade away like similar concepts did in my pubescent stages.

All I can suggest to those 'suffering' from the friendzone dis-ease is "grow-up"...or go and nick a friend out of someone else's Zone! Cia

[GRexCarolinii]

I think that the people that use the term friendzone are mainly expressing their disappointment that someone only sees them as a friend.

Seeing someone only as a friend (and not having any other kind of interest in them) is not a mean or inconsiderate thing to do. We all have our preferences of who we want to date or who we are attracted to.

We all have the choice to become friends or more with whoever we want. People that use the term "friendzone" just need to accept that not everyone will be interested in them and move on.

One of my friends used the term "friendzone" to describe the state in which one is romantically interested in someone who wants to be friends.

This is part of the problem, of course, that not everyone uses the term in the same way. More than once I've seen someone get blasted for expressing heartbreak over the situation - all too often, others jump to the conclusion that the "friendzoned" person is bitter, or blaming the other person for not being attracted to them (Or worse still, assuming that their heartbreak is all about sex). And to my mind, that isn't fair. People should be able to feel heartbroken. The line is crossed when someone starts to ascribe blame or malice to the person they're attracted to

I always used to view the friendzone as that ^ (where you can only think of someone as a friend)

and this has happened to me... once (though I am terrible for meeting guys; and straight off the bat, know they can never be more than friends)

I think now... the term is more widely used to describe.... less the actual "zone of friends" type thing

but rather... the friendzone = the expectation that someone owes you sex if you are nice to them

Sure there is a little overlap between them: but to me they are very seperate things

hopefully I make sense xD

[Rising Sun]

There are obviously two different definitions of the friendzone, but both are equally valid, aren't they ?

[SexNotHaver]

Among other things, one thing I hate about the 'friendzone' is that some people expect others to 'settle' for them. Would they not prefer to be with someone who really wants to be with them and who they really want to be with? Maybe some people are too arrogant to accept that another person doesn't want to be with them. I'm going off an a tangent here, but it makes me a wee bit angry when people give out about someone leaving them, saying "I'm the best thing that ever happened to him/her/'whatever-gender-pronoun-they-use."

[Moon Ace]

I've read so many article about this lately. It all came down to one point.

It is an imaginary "zone" that supposedly will transition into sex in the mind of a lot of sexual people. The theory goes that someone is friends with someone and is supportive of them for an unspecified amount if time, it somehow will transition into sex.

Worse are the ones that think women owe them something because they were nice to them.

I have been friends with women, and never had the expectations of sex or anything, but I did require there be a mutual respect.

Although to be honest, I am not very social. So I'm not sure how my experience would match with someone more social.

I thought the 'friendzone' was to imply that they are friends now and that sex is out of the question... ie. that once someone has been friendzoned, it's not something the person 'friendzoned' can get out of with the 'friendzoner'. Could be wrong though... what do I know? hahah.

[Smmk]

I've read so many article about this lately. It all came down to one point.

It is an imaginary "zone" that supposedly will transition into sex in the mind of a lot of sexual people. The theory goes that someone is friends with someone and is supportive of them for an unspecified amount if time, it somehow will transition into sex.

Worse are the ones that think women owe them something because they were nice to them.

I have been friends with women, and never had the expectations of sex or anything, but I did require there be a mutual respect.

Although to be honest, I am not very social. So I'm not sure how my experience would match with someone more social.

I thought the 'friendzone' was to imply that they are friends now and that sex is out of the question... ie. that once someone has been friendzoned, it's not something the person 'friendzoned' can get out of with the 'friendzoner'. Could be wrong though... what do I know? hahah.

at first I thought the friendzone was liking a person who only liked you as a friend. But lately it seems it is much more than that or something. I don't really know either haha xD

[noparlpf]

"Friendzoning" is bs. It's a bunch of whiny entitled boys complaining that they were conned because they thought women were like vending machines: put nice in, get sex out. Even if it's fake nice, like a quarter on a string that they can pull back after they get the sex (or if they're rejected and get no sex).

[Ricecream-man]

The "friendzone" made popular by Internet menes is the area in which all passive aggressive "nice guys" who are unable to have sex with those they want to, reside. Being "nice" is their pick up line and they'd take any chance to get sex like a normal asshole would but they're too afraid to be open about it.

It's really annoying because I can no longer introduce some of my friends to people as nice guys because they get throw into this negative category automatically. Plus, now as a male I run into situations where everything I do for a female is hyperanalyzed for ulterior motives regardless if I'd do the same thing for another make or not. People suck sometimes. I don't like those kind of guys >.>

Why would you even want to date someone you wouldn't enjoy being friends with? I just don't understand that mentality...

And yes, there may be some other definitions but that's the primary one made famous by the Internet

[Winnie_A]

Becoming friends with someone and legitimately falling in love with them while they continue to see you as a friend and non-romantically is one thing. However, the word "friendzone" implies a lot more, as seen in this picture:

This implies that people on default see everyone of the opposite sex as a "dating option" or a possible sexual partner. Becoming friends negates that. This way of thinking is, to me, ridiculous. For many people the default is the opposite. This kind of thinking suggests that people do not value friendships with the opposite sex at all, and that the only meaningful relationship with the opposite sex is a sexual one. It is quite aggravating.

[Smmk]

Becoming friends with someone and legitimately falling in love with them while they continue to see you as a friend and non-romantically is one thing. However, the word "friendzone" implies a lot more, as seen in this picture:

This implies that people on default see everyone of the opposite sex as a "dating option" or a possible sexual partner. Becoming friends negates that. This way of thinking is, to me, ridiculous. For many people the default is the opposite. This kind of thinking suggests that people do not value friendships with the opposite sex at all, and that the only meaningful relationship with the opposite sex is a sexual one. It is quite aggravating.

Oh my god yes, you are completely right. To me, friendship is the basic of a relationship. If I'm not friends with someone I would not be able to date them either.

[Vector]

You can also go and browse the Friend Zone Fiona meme for reasons why a lot of people have a knee-jerk reaction to the idea of the friendzone.

I think there's a couple of things that come to people's minds when we talk about the friendzone:

1) The situation where Person A is friends with Person B and develops romantic/sexual feelings for them, which Person B does not reciprocate. Person A is understandably bummed out by this.

2) A situation similar to the above, but where Person A turns out around and treats Person B like dirt or says horrible things about them because they did not reciprocate their feelings or 'led them on'.

3) A situation in which Person B is seen as taking advantage of Person A by ostensibly being affectionate to them and signalling to them that they might be interested in a romantic relationship when they really just want to be friends, but enjoy the attention that B's pining provides. Or something.

4) The situation in which Person B could have romantic sexual feelings for A but would prefer not to act on them because they see the existing friendship as valuable and don't want to risk that.

5) A situation in which Person A befriends Person B with the hopes that that will eventually lead to a romantic or sexual relationship and then reacts as in 2) when that doesn't happen, either because of direct rejection or because it just fails to magically happen without A ever mentioning their feelings.

2) and 5) are what people are usually talking about when they talk about entitled 'nice guys'.

Honestly, my biggest issue with the notion of friendzoning is that people talking about it act like it's the worst possible thing that has ever happened to them when, for me, close friendships are the most important relationships I have (along with my relationships with my sister and my dad). Or, to quote Tori from Quicksilver: "I hate it when people talk like friendship is less than other kinds of–as though it’s some sort of runner-up prize for people who can’t have sex."

[Smmk]

You can also go and browse the Friend Zone Fiona meme for reasons why a lot of people have a knee-jerk reaction to the idea of the friendzone.

I think there's a couple of things that come to people's minds when we talk about the friendzone:

1) The situation where Person A is friends with Person B and develops romantic/sexual feelings for them, which Person B does not reciprocate. Person A is understandably bummed out by this.

2) A situation similar to the above, but where Person A turns out around and treats Person B like dirt or says horrible things about them because they did not reciprocate their feelings or 'led them on'.

3) A situation in which Person B is seen as taking advantage of Person A by ostensibly being affectionate to them and signalling to them that they might be interested in a romantic relationship when they really just want to be friends, but enjoy the attention that B's pining provides. Or something.

4) The situation in which Person B could have romantic sexual feelings for A but would prefer not to act on them because they see the existing friendship as valuable and don't want to risk that.

5) A situation in which Person A befriends Person B with the hopes that that will eventually lead to a romantic or sexual relationship and then reacts as in 2) when that doesn't happen, either because of direct rejection or because it just fails to magically happen without A ever mentioning their feelings.

2) and 5) are what people are usually talking about when they talk about entitled 'nice guys'.

Honestly, my biggest issue with the notion of friendzoning is that people talking about it act like it's the worst possible thing that has ever happened to them when, for me, close friendships are the most important relationships I have (along with my relationships with my sister and my dad). Or, to quote Tori from Quicksilver: "I hate it when people talk like friendship is less than other kinds of–as though it’s some sort of runner-up prize for people who can’t have sex."

Perfect explanation. And I agree with you. I value friendship very much and it is (well, to me) the basic of a relationship.

[Squirrel Combat]

Oh, oh, I've bookmarked a Cracked.com article about 5 Relationship Zones that are even worse than the "friend zone". :P

1. The "No One I'm Interested in Is Attracted to Me" Zone.

2. The "I Always Need to Be in a Relationship" Zone.

3. The "We've Been Doing This Forever, We May as Well Stick With It" Zone.

4. The "Staying in Contact Forever" Zone. I really hate this one.

5. The "I Don't Want to Ruin the Friendship" Zone. Better known by the last word in quotations.

Has anyone ever found themselves in any of these?

[littleheartsofjoy]

Oh, oh, I've bookmarked a Cracked.com article about 5 Relationship Zones that are even worse than the "friend zone". :P

1. The "No One I'm Interested in Is Attracted to Me" Zone.

2. The "I Always Need to Be in a Relationship" Zone.

3. The "We've Been Doing This Forever, We May as Well Stick With It" Zone.

4. The "Staying in Contact Forever" Zone. I really hate this one.

5. The "I Don't Want to Ruin the Friendship" Zone. Better known by the last word in quotations.

Has anyone ever found themselves in any of these?

I had a friend that was always in the second zone, but she wasn't ace. Wait, how does the staying in contact forever zone work? Does that mean they are always in your face and choose to always update you on everything?