I feel weird help

[boringbear]

Hi I'm new. I just wanted to know any opinions on this.

I think I am turning/have turned asexual, I do not know if this is even possible or how it is. I felt like this for about a year now, maybe even more. I have absolutely no desire to have sex or think about sex or look at or read anything to do with sex. At all. Today I was on the internet and I scrolled past this picture of 2 people having sex, I sort of went up a bit and see if it would provoke any reaction, I felt nothing, in fact I felt so bored of looking at it even for the few seconds that I did. This is a complete change from how I used to be. I was raped twice in my life both when I was a child, since then I was hypersexual, it was the only thing I would think about, I developed a sort of OCD where sex was on my mind every second of the day, it caused me a tremendous amount of misery. I developed intense sexual crushes on people too, it would consume my life completely. Now I feel so weird, and broken too, I am surrounded by things which suggest that I should have sex or want to have sex, people talking about masturbation which I have no desire or WANT to even do, which is a complete change again as I also had a masturbation addiction. I think maybe this is how I actually am, without the mental illness, maybe I was always like this??

I have a boyfriend who I am in a long distance relationship with for 4 years, I am 20. I do not feel attraction to him anymore, but I love him so much and think he is the most beautiful human being in the universe. In terms of sex, I do not mind having sex with him but I do not feel a desire to do it and am not arroused, I do it instead so that I can please him, he doesn't pressure me ever. But anyway.

I take a medication called Risperidone, it is there to help me block out obsessional thinking and intrusive thoughts, I have heard that it decreases libido, but this isn't just a decrease it is a complete elimination of it. It probably has something to do with that, but I feel maybe it is more. I think about it a lot and it worries me. I'm sorry I have to say I don't expect any body to be like a doctor, but maybe help me somehow?

Anyway thank you for reading this, you have a lot of patience!

[WünderBâhr]

Well, firstly, let me say that I am truly sorry for the trauma you experienced. That is something no one should ever go through, much less as a child. There is debate within the asexual community on whether asexuality can be "caused", and certainly there are many medications which can potentially alter or eliminate libido/drive. How that is connected to sexual attraction, well... the conversation gets a bit tricky after that.

I cannot say I've experienced anything close to what you have, but I supposed I can share my tidbit exploration of medical considerations. Years ago, I had a sleep study done. Around the same time, I also received information about medication I was taking. How they are connected is that in the information packets for both, I saw that "decrease in sex drive" was listed as a potential "symptom" or "side effect" of the medication and sleep issues I was having at the time. Not directly, of course, because at that point my "drive" had been the same as it always had, so decrease wasn't necessarily the right word for my experience. I considered it, though; if my lack of interest was caused by something other than my own nature. Had to reflect for a long time about it. I questioned if I felt like I was less than myself, or that the lack of interest/drive negatively affected me. After looking back, I saw that it hadn't really changed before medical issues surfaced. I didn't suddenly decline; it had never been there. At least, not in the way that it had for my more sexual friends/family. It wasn't just that the interest wasn't there, I was indifferent about the whole idea. That helped me in coming to terms with identifying as asexual, when I finally stumbled on the community.

I don't know if sharing that helped at all. I'm really not sure what I can offer to assist you in understanding your circumstances a bit better or in identifying as asexual or not. But I can offer , as is traditional for greetings on AVEN, and hope that being part of the community helps you. Welcome to AVEN. :)