I'm New and Confused

[lacey9515]

I just signed up for the website and I am in need of some help. I'm not really sure what I am. Touching and in general physical contact that is anything but platonic (and expressed by people that i trust explicitly) I become almost physically sick. Thinking about non platonic physical contact makes me retch. I hate it. No one can give me an answer. I do have high functioning Aspergers and everyone i've talked to about it says that it's because of that disorder. They also tell me that i should just expose myself to those types of physical things that stress me out. But i don't feel like that is it. I feel like it's deep inside of me.

[LeeBree]

You could be aromantic, which means you have no desire for romantic relationships and only want platonic ones. Or you could be a romantic who's just sensual-repulsed I suppose, as in you dislike too much touching. It depends, do you feel romantic or sexual attraction?

Also, welcome to the forums! ^_^

[Theoryal]

hello lacey, and welcome! :)

I'm no expert, and I'm new here myself, and I don't know all the particulars about you of course, but there are people who are "sex-repulsed", I'm mildly so, and I know there are others on here who can relate to your extreme discomfort with the idea. There are many different possible reasons for being uncomfortable with the idea of sex and plenty of people without Aspergers who dislike that kind of touch. While 'facing your fears' by exposing yourself to something can sometimes be a good way to grow, I don't know that it's always the best approach straight off. Figuring out Why you are afraid of something I think is the most important first step in figuring out how to deal with it. It's perfectly alright to not want to have sexual contact with other people, that is not something that everyone must want to be healthy. It's possible you could be asexual, the question is whether or not you ever feel sexual attraction (which is different from thinking someone is aesthetically good looking or even desiring a romantic relationship with them).

[ShoopAJoop]

Don't let people tell you to just expose yourself to touching and whatnot if it causes such trouble for you. I fear it may turn from trouble to traumatic.

I apologize that I do not have any suggestions with regard to where you are on the asexual and aromatic spectrum. I am still learning all this myself.

[WünderBâhr]

There are many different possible reasons for being uncomfortable with the idea of sex and plenty of people without Aspergers who dislike that kind of touch. While 'facing your fears' by exposing yourself to something can sometimes be a good way to grow, I don't know that it's always the best approach straight off. Figuring out Why you are afraid of something I think is the most important first step in figuring out how to deal with it. .

I have to agree with Theoryal that there are many different reasons for disliking anything other than platonic touch, which doesn't always point to autism--even if it is something often connected in behaviors/dislikes with people who are autistic. Sometimes it is beneficial for people to immerse themselves in whatever it is that makes them uncomfortable to desensitize themselves to the fear of it, but that also can be a traumatic experience for some. I would take that sort of advice with a grain of salt, especially when those giving it may not fully understand why it is you feel the way you do. Ultimately, it is YOUR comfort zone. You should be the one to decide if you want to explore boundaries, not others.

I consider most touch as something personal and even intimate, depending on the other person involved. If I don't know someone and they reach out to touch me, my immediate instinct is to pull away because they're in my personal bubble. However, with close friends and partners, I am perfectly fine with a hug, kiss or cuddle. I know there are others within the community whom are touch- and/or sex-repulsed. With the varied experiences of our many members, I wouldn't say that could directly determine whether or not someone is asexual, but I don't think you were necessarily asking about that.

Take your time, browse through the forums and see what you feel most drawn to or what you think suits you best. Labels are just summary descriptors, anyway. :) You may want to check out our Romantic and Aromantic Orientations forum and our own AVENWiki, as they are also great resources.

Welcome to AVEN!

[PaperCranes]

Welcome! Everyone else has said really great things, I just want to throw in that if you do want to "expose" yourself to things you struggle with, I would recommend doing it with someone like a therapist who can make sure the situation is controlled and safe for you. Don't just let your friends pressure you in to letting them touch you.

[Zash]

And on the autism thing, autistics can still want sex even though they can't handle the physical sensation. It sucks, but, a lot of autistic people who have problems with physical contact still are sexual, in that they want to have sex, but, if they did, it is very uncomfortable. It is a catch-22 for them. Also, from what I have observed, autistics generally don't like touch at all, sexual or not. But, you may just have been desensitized to platonic touch already, and that is why you can tolerate it.

An asexual person would have no desire to have sexual contact, even if it didn't cause the retching. So, my question to you is, would you want to have sex if it didn't cause you to retch? If the answer is no, or not sure, you may be asexual, or somewhere on the spectrum. If you really want to have sex, and wish that you didn't react so negatively to the contact, then you may be a sex-repulsed sexual.

I also am on the autistic spectrum, and I have tried the touch desensitization therapy, and it was just pure hell, so I gave up. I am an aromantic asexual, so, I don't feel like I am missing much anyways. There was nothing that gave me any reason to go through with it, so I never finished it.

In closing, don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. Remember, you can't miss out on something you didn't want in the first place.

[D00D]

I'm new too :)

It sucks, but, a lot of autistic people who have problems with physical contact still are sexual, in that they want to have sex, but, if they did, it is very uncomfortable. It is a catch-22 for them.

I agree.

I joined an Aspergers social club (oxymoron ;-) ) in University but I was the only asexual out of the 30 or so members, many of the others desperately wanted to be sexual but lacked the social skills to achieve their desires. As one of the few females in the club I was constantly propositioned and when I declined some turned on me saying I was a "tease" or a "dyke" so I stopped attending meetings but occasionally participated through emails or forums.

As a child I felt like you about physical contact and described it to my mother as insects crawling on my skin where I was touched that could last for minutes after the contact. As a teen I forced myself to yield to social convention and offer a firm hand shake or polite hug when required and I have become de-sensitized to it over time.