So I realized I was probably asexual... yesterday?

[ElephantsAlways]

I'm still not sure... I'll tell you, I guess, and maybe you can help me figure it out? Sorry if this is too ultra-detailed... I'm afraid to leave anything out.

When I was little, I was boy crazy. I loved, loved, loved having crushes.

Then I found out what sex was... I believe I was eleven at that point. My understanding after "the talk" was that people don't start being sexually attracted until they started their period. And I was like, okay. That's nice to know. I don't really care at all.

Between the time I had that talk with my parents and the day I had my first period, however, I discovered that sex was not (and this is how my parents explained it) some magical ability people unlock (despite possibly wanting it earlier) when they get married and used for the sole purpose of having children. It was an intimacy thing, a pleasure thing. Something I was supposed to want because, well, duh. I'm human. So that was fine and all. Except the idea of it was repulsive. But certainly when I started becoming a teenager--certainly then I would want it.

I became a teenager. Never wanted it. Boys started talking about all the girls they'd had sex with. Girls were less open, but I did hear a few conversations about it. Once it seemed normal for people my age to be thinking about sex, my interest in boys dropped instantly. I still wanted those relationships, but even the idea of sex made me feel uncomfortable. I used to force myself to imagine being older, married, all the things that should have granted me security and made me comfortable with it... the best I could do was think about just letting them have it because, well, whatever. That's what guys want, right? Even thinking about it still made me feel violated somehow, though.

After I came to that realization, well, I was out of luck. I'd never heard of being "asexual"... I figured I was probably behind developmentally. I also decided I needed to externalize that behindness so no one would mention sex around me. I changed my personality to fit someone who was younger than I was... innocent. Not that I wasn't, since I'm so sheltered. I suppose I just took those parts of me and magnified them so that I'd be saved from things I was uncomfortable with.

Eventually I admitted to myself that this might not really be a normal thing to do. I've always wanted to be as self-aware as possible, so I took to the inter-webs. My first thought was that I might be some sort of OCD, but I mentioned that (not my reasons for thinking so) to my mother, and she said there was no way I was OCD. And she was right. Then I was like, maybe I'm Atychiphobic? But it didn't affect me in any other way. Then I was certain I was just a sociopath and I needed serious counseling. But I didn't say anything because I didn't want people to think I was crazy.

At some point during all this I went to a summer camp at Duke. Someone there mentioned being asexual themselves. That was all. I had no idea what it meant. I looked up the definition and was like, hmm. Okay. It wasn't until later that I was like, well, maybe I'm asexual? At the time, I thought all asexuals were aromantic as well, so I figured I probably couldn't be since I liked guys romantically. One day I felt like hard-core researching it, mostly because I don't like not knowing things. I read all the stories and the "qualifiers" and the definitions and the views and the politically correct stuff and the stuff where people were sure their significant other was asexual because [insert illogical reason here]. I was like, this sounds a lot like me. But it wasn't until I dug deeper into the romantic side of the asexual community that I started to believe I actually might be asexual. So apparently you can have a committed, long-term--permanent, even--relationship without sex? Why didn't anyone tell me this? Just the idea that maybe I can marry someone and never have sex my whole life still is immensely freeing.

So it's like check, check, check, check... From this, it seems like I'm 100% asexual to me. Except for one, teensy-weensy little problem.

I'm fourteen (will be fifteen in 12 days). I had this realization yesterday. I convinced myself I was a sociopath, too, once, and I believed that almost as much as I believe this (although the information about sociopathy online is much vaguer than this).

How long should I wait before I decide I can know for sure? A month? A year? 'Till I'm 18? 30? Maybe I'll grow out of it. The thing is that I don't want to. I guess you can say that if I really am asexual, I'm a closer to sex-repulsed one. Maybe it's just some fear I have of sex? And how do I know I'm not attracted to anyone in that way? Do people normally look at people and think, I'd have sex with them, or is it a slower thing that I probably just haven't gotten intimate enough with someone to feel? (I'd like to say that I was in a relationship of sorts with a guy for two and a half years, but it started to seem like he wanted more than... actually, we didn't hold hands or anything but... uh... I just assumed that once you did that it was a free pass to sex so I broke up with him when he didn't stop asking).

Anyways, is 14 too young to be sure, is a day after the realization too early, etc.?

Also, if you do think I can be sure or give some requirements that I can meet later on to be sure, how do you think I should go about coming out? (This is a really weird thing for me... I only ever briefly considered the possibility of my being a lesbian or otherwise not heterosexual, so I never thought I'd ever have to worry about "coming out" about anything). I'm also interested in those black rings people talk about. Should I decide 100%, would you recommend getting one? Before or after I come out? I know I don't want any secrets, at least with my closest friends.

I can't even express how weird I feel about this whole thing. It seems far too good to be true. Asexuality, I mean.

(Edit: I read the whole "Before you ask, am I asexual" thing before posting this, just wanted some input on what you all consider too early to be sure. I'm sorry if this breaks any guidelines... if you couldn't tell, I'm a bit new here.)

[scarletlatitude]

I can't speak much for being 14 and asexual, since I am 27. But, I too read about asexuality and then decided the next day that I was asexual. It just fit me so well. I realized a lot about myself just by reading up on asexuality. I think that I am more of a grey ace, and not strictly asexual. I'm still deciding.

Bottom line is that it's okay to be sure, or not to be sure. Sometimes it takes a while to figure it out. And sometimes you are never sure. It doesn't matter if you're 14, 27, or 102. You decide what you are, and it's okay if you aren't sure right now. It's okay if you change your mind, too. :)

[tahtipolya]

i had a very similar story! for a long time i was in denial and kept thinking that i was a 'late bloomer' (even though i had already hit puberty a few years before :P ). now im 16 and i just embrace it. im not really 'open' and i doubt ill be for a long time, but if i was you id keep considering myself asexual and only tell people people your very comfortable with knowing. friends, for example, are usually easier to tell these things to than family. i actually came out of a friend that i knew was going to move in a month so i could get it off my chest w/o being worried they might out me or something. eventually youll come to terms with your sexuality (or lack of), and if one your sexuality changes or you realize you arent asexual, no big deal, and if you are asexual, no big deal. as my therapist would often say, sexuality is a fluid thing and you gotta go w/ the flow ^w^ hope this helped you in some way!!

(ps, youre never to young to know your sexuality!)

[verily-forsooth-egads]

If you're pretty sure, I don't think 14 is too young to know you're ace. It's probably too young for people to believe you when you tell them, though. Of course, that attitude will last well into your twenties. Don't worry too much about it. If you think you're ace there's nothing stopping you from identifying as such.

[I'd rather be in band.]

Hello, fellow young ace! As long as you feel comfortable with the label, you may use it as you please. Welcome to AVEN!

[butterflydreams]

If that's how you feel now, go for it! I'm 26 now, but I wish I had known all this stuff when I was your age. It would've made my high school and college years substantially less painful. Me personally, I knew guys who were into girls (I thought it was just romantically at the time), but the same feelings never occurred for me. I was 16 when I thought, "hey, wait a minute...maybe I should be with a girl" And that thought was really repulsive. Rather than analyzing that feeling, I buried it and pressed onwards. Years of pain until I was 25.

You are young, but if it's how you feel now, that's ok! Explore it! Explore your feelings! If you find that you change later on, that's awesome because guess what, it means you're human :)

[Warriorcat15]

Welcome to AVEN! As a 14 year old ace myself, I know how you feel. Granted, I'm aromantic as well, but still. Remember, you can always change.

[Amedot]

I think it's important to take age into consideration (after all, our teenage and young adult years are filled with self-discovery), but I also don't think your age disqualifies you from an identity. Many people at 14 or younger know that they're straight, gay, etc... they know they're sexual. So I think it's very possible for someone to know they are asexual at fourteen. Fortunately, labels are meant to fit us, not the other way around. If a label doesn't fit you after a few years (or months, or weeks, or even hours) you are free to change the label you identify with :) that's what self discovery is all about.

I hope you learn a lot about yourself in the years to come, whether you're ace or not, and I hope AVEN and its community can help and support you :) Welcome!

[AprilStorms]

Oh! I was at about your age and situation when I realized I was ace. (Which Duke camp were you at?)

But anyway, I'm a bit older now and, arguably, wiser so let's start with your question of time.

There's really no minimum or maximum time for deciding your sexuality. Some people click with it immediately and some take longer to make sure. Both are fine, as is anything in between. What matters is what you're comfortable with. Sometimes people start out thinking one thing ("Maybe I'm bi?") and end up realizing something else later ("Whoops I'm gay.") And then there are fluid people, etc, etc. It's alright to be young and confused. You may want to wait a bit and just think about things until you're sure - or reasonably so. Again, it's okay to be a little unsure; these things are complicated (spectrums and stuff). You may change labels a few times and that's alright - as Salogma said - they should fit you, not vice versa.

Like you, I never really had a gay crisis. But I did come out. It started out with just "In personal news, I'm still thinking I might be asexual and found a handy link." This was the link, if you're curious. I'd heard the term before but it had never really clicked. You never have to come out if you don't want to, but if you do I recommend talking it over with a few good friends first just to get a feel for how these things are going to go!

Also: it is perfectly fine to have love without sex. Some aces do, and they and their partners are agreed on it and most comfortable that way. You may not ever change your mind (sex-repulsed aces do exist!), but if you ever do, there are still precedents of aces compromising for their partners or just liking the physical sensation. It comes down to personal comfort levels, really, which are different for everyone. Some couples are more touchy and huggy than others, some are just as in love but don't touch as much. It's the same thing with sex. People have different wants and needs and comfort levels.

Hope I helped! And of course, if you need advice or someone to talk to, my PM box is open :)

[Ricecream-man]

Didn't realize there were so many young ones on here. I'm starting to feel a little out of date. xD

But to answer your question I'll echo everyone and say that age really doesn't matter. Identify the way you think best.

The fun part about sexuality is that it's fluid. Just because you identify as asexual now doesn't mean you're stuck that way or that it can't change later in life. At the same time don't experiment if you don't want to.

I first thought I was asexual when I was 15. Unfortunately I convinced myself I was just shy and scared, and all I had to do was go out and try it and then I'd be good.

Then I had sex. It was terrible, but my friends convinced me that the first time was always bad or that maybe I just needed a more attractive girl.

So I kept having sex. Again and again with didn't women. It was miserable. I went through 6 years of constant identity crises worrying about what was wrong with me. I rediscovered asexuality and it all made sense.

Tl;Dr?

Don't waste your time trying things you don't want to just because you think that's what you're supposed to do and how you're supposed to act. Especially as a girl. Guys will do anything thru can to convince you to do it with them and many of your friends might agree with them. Do what you want to and don't let then pressure you otherwise. You'll only regret it

[Bright Pink]

Welcome. The other posters have echoed my thoughts already, but I do want to especially agree with the idea of withstanding any pressure. Only do what feels really good to you. I personally have too many regrets caused by trying to please others.

Please enjoy some Welcome cake

[Lisi]

I always thought I was just a late bloomer until at the age of 21 I discovered that asexuality is a thing. If I had known that, I would probably have started to identify as asexual at the age of fourteen. If later you discover that you are sexually attracted to someone, you can always change your label. As far as I know sexuality can change over time.

Coming out to people as asexual would probably be difficult, however. My mother is very understanding, but I'm actually convinced that she is demisexual herself. From another person I got the reaction: "You'll come around to it." And I was almost 22. So at fourteen, many people probably wouldn't believe you.

Personally, I believe that fourteen is not too young to identify as asexual, assuming you've got your period already. If you don't, I really don't have any idea. Do whatever feels right, I guess ...

Welcome to AVEN!

[ElephantsAlways]

Thanks you all! You've been really helpful. ^^ I think I'll wait until I'm 16 to decide to call myself asexual or come out... Until then, I'll just continue to consider it and run the idea that asexual people exist by my friends. Since I don't want to jump all the way into the dating world until then, I figure that makes sense and then it gives me plenty of time to consider and mature. ^^ it will definitely be nice to keep in mind that there's nothing wrong with me for not wanting all that stuff.

April--I went to the summer studies one. ^^

Thanks for all the cake, guys. ;) I think I'll continue to hang around AVEN until I (if I do) realize I'm not ace. :)

[Ricecream-man]

I'm glad you came to a decision, and I'm sure you'd be welcome here even if you decided you aren't an ace :)

[Pyropotter]

I was 14 when I fell in love with my Ace best friend. It took us years to figure out that was what happened and that was what we were, but it was as real then as it remains now. I am asexually and madly romantically in love with the person she grew up into, and her with me. You don't have to give up on romantic love if you're Ace. Sometimes that's where you find it. I hope you find all the happiness, comfort and acceptance you're looking for.

[Emery.]

Don't define yourself too much. I had first real sexual thoughts and any real arousal at age of 16, and began having period at 13. My mom started being sexually into guys at age of 19 maybe? It's not that period means sexuality. I did not really understand how people might want the certain act of sex and so forth. 16th birthday, bang, hormones, bodily changes, arousal, obsession with sex. Day to day. However, this obsession became smaller and smaller with time. Don't stress out with labels too much either, no one really needs a definition. And sexuality changes and can change anyhow and orientation can change too at any point in life. It depends on many things.

"Do people normally look at people and think, I'd have sex with them, or is it a slower thing that I probably just haven't gotten intimate enough with someone to feel?" wrong place to ask :) but I can anwser. Everyone is different in that respect, and I cna't speak for everyone, and for every female, I'm a bit wierd for a female. But the most extreme version is that people imagine having sex with someone. They can imagine plenty other things such as kissing, hugging, cuddling, holding hands, touching, being together ... But in most cases are not willing to do these things in reality, because: the partner, scared, not intimate enough, what if, it would be unkind, privacy, not entirely want it....

If it would help you repulse guys imosing sex on you, identify as asxeual then, because you have silly environment. 14-year olds and having sex? for God's sake... Do not ever agree for something you're not secure about. You're perfectly normal. And for the current time, you ARE roantic asexual, if you think it describes you well. :)

[Skywolf]

I had my first boyfriend when I was 14. I had crushes before that, though I was never totally boy crazy, but I didn't want anything physical aside from maybe holding hands. Pretty sure that was one of the reasons we broke up, but I knew even then that my boundaries on physicality were mine, and more strict/conservative than everyone else who were being more and more physical as I got older. Fast-forward to when a friend of mine mentioned they were asexual 4 years later. The term made sense to me, so I finally felt like I had a name for how I felt.

You can take however long you need to feel like a term fits you. This isn't a mental health condition that you can wrongly self-diagnose. This is an orientation.

[Zash]

I was 15 when I was certain I was asexual (or null-sexual, as I called it back then. This was long before AVEN existed). And you may be a late bloomer, or you may be ace. People will tell you you are too young to tell right now, and what I would tell them is "This is how I feel now. If something changes, I will re-evaluate." Nothing ever did change, so, I am asexual still now.

Basically, don't force yourself into something you don't want, just because society says you should. Just rock on your asexual lifestyle, and rejoice in the fact that you don't have to deal with any of that dating drama. If you change, cool, go with that. If you don't, also cool, and keep on with what makes you happy. Not what society tells you that should make you happy.

[DNA]

Sexuality is a fluid spectrum, so what you're feeling now may change in several years, but that doesn't make what you feel now any less legitimate. People can change drastically throughout their lifetimes, so why couldn't someone's sexuality? Regardless, I don't think you're too young to feel this. I wish I had realized it myself at that age (it would have saved me a lot of hardships). Throughout high school I thought that I couldn't be asexual because I fantasized about sex and had a libido. It wasn't until I found out more about the other aspects of asexuality that I actually realized that I was, indeed, asexual myself. So don't disregard what you feel now just because you're fairly young. Plenty of people know at that age that they want sex, so it shouldn't be a far stretch to legitimately say that you don't want it either.