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am I asexual or not? and how do I tell anyone?


the nerdy lago

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the nerdy lago

Hey! I'm a very confused 17 year old girl. See I think I'm asexual but I'm not sure, I don't really want to have sex or feel any need for it but I still have crushes. When I have a crush I want to be near that person and like hug them or just snuggle up to them but I don't want to have sex with them. I don't really see people as attractive and even when I see that someone is, it doesn't make me want to jump them or anything. And I don't have like "wet dreams" or masturbate because it isn't something that I want (does that even make sense?).

All my friends seem horrified when I tell them that I don't masturbate and wouldn't mind living my life without ever having sex. Is it really that strange? Or does it mean that I have a different sexual orientation than them? And if it does how do I tell any of them? I tried talking to one of my friends but she just seemed really confused and then the next day she came up to me and said that she'd talked to her mother about what I said and that her mother said "that I just hadn't met the right guy yet" but it's not like that for me. At least it doesn't feel that way but how do I explain that to her? I just really want her to know because she told me straight away when she realized that she was bisexual but how do I tell her something she won't believe?

Sorry for babbling but I'm just so confused and this seems like a good place to ask

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I dont have a lot of experience with the sexual attraction stuff so i will leave that to someone has more knowledge about that kind of stuff.

I still have crushes. When I have a crush I want to be near that person and like hug them or just snuggle up to them but I don't want to have sex with them. I don't really see people as attractive and even when I seethat someone is, it doesn't make me want to jump them or anything.

What you are feeling is romantic and physical attraction. romantic attraction is when you experience crushes on people and physical attraction is when you want to touch someone else in a non-sexual way. These usually do not affect your Sexual Orientation.

Sorry i can't help with the more sexual things.

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First of all, welcome, comrade! :cake:

It makes perfect sense. :) But people often find it very odd if we don't need to masturbate or feel the need to. To say we don't like sex is almost like saying we don't like breathing to some. It just takes time for people, I suppose. Just be relentless to your friends if they don't believe you and you want them to know. Many here don't feel a need to come out at all, unless it's to a sexual partner.

With your mother, I suggest just being specific and explaining it to her as best you can. Show her this website and explain that it is not a choice on your part and it's not just something that will change if you meet the right person. Your mother might surprise you with her understanding.
And finally, your crushes may in fact be romantic rather than sexual, and that's perfectly normal. You may want to check out the various romantic orientations.

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Mighty Number Nein

You sound like you are asexual, but have romantic tendencies. It's very common for someone to be asexual but still have crushes and fall in love. You can be say, hetero-romantic, but also be asexual.

About your friends' reactions: it's pretty typical. A lot of people have a hard time comprehending asexuality, and simply say you haven't met the right person or tried having sex, but they're just trying to reinstate "normality". Don't take it to heart; they'll eventually accept.

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Im not 17, but i know what its like to question who/what you are and the confusing feelings that sometimes go with it. Ive only recently (in the last 2 or 3 years) understood that im asexual. I cant tell you what you are, but i can tell you that if you are here... if you read up on asexuality and things that you are reading all start to make sense to you and you can relate to a lot of it - then you might of just figured it out :)

when i first came across an article on asexuality, it was like a light bulb went off in my head - OHHHhhh thats me!! Finally lol Also at first, even tho i figured out I was asexual, it took some time to really comprehend it. Cause there is so many terms and things, and all this - sexuality and gender stuff can be really confusing.

Dont worry if you are confused. You're not alone. This is a good site to help you figure things out and theres a lot of people to talk to.

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I identify as heteroromantic(so, as a woman, i'm romantically attracted to men) asexual, and I felt/feel pretty much exactly the way you describe. Like Pranky said, when I heard the term asexuality it sort of clicked for me.

However there are the "buts" like you can be allosexual and be sex-repulsed. If you don't ever experience desiring someone sexually though, you might be asexual. Again, like others have said, this site is great for people to try to help answer your questions. ^_^

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I agree with all above. And we can't tell you if you're asexual, only you can. So if you tell others about your discoveries and they say it's not true just ignore them, you are the only person who can know.

Also welcome to Aven! :D :cake:

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I would be inclined to say that what you describe fits under the "asexual" label, though there are instances of people being "late bloomers" or feeling differently when they meet someone they click with. It's hard to know for certain what can happen in the future, but the label is not intended to limit you in any way.

I highly recommend looking at an overview of asexuality and various lists of FAQ that AVEN offers, here. It includes questions that may be asked by friends/family, as well as some that you may be asking or wondering about, yourself. We also have an AVENWiki resource, which is fantastic, and covers a lot of the lexicon used within the community.

It can be difficult to express yourself to those who may not be familiar with the term, "asexual", and it can often feel confusing and lonely. There are people out there who have experienced this in all age ranges, so you are definitely not alone. Take your time, browse through the forums and see if you feel the label fits.

Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

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