What form of asexuality is it when... [TW: abuse]

[fitz-simmons]

So ever since I spent the majority of my teenage years being sexually abused by various different men, I've had a complicated relationship with desire and sex. I finally met someone long-distance who didn't push me at all, which led to me for once actually developing a desire for sexual contact, both with real and fictional persons, but we broke up before anything happened and lately I'm just stuck, because while the desire is there, any chance that intimacy might happen is literally terrifying to me, and sex in general (even masturbation when doing anything other than 'not looking at my genitals, just jacking off' external stuff) is just something that I hate.

It turns me off. It's like acting in a play where the dialogue is drivel and the audience is really bored by your performance. I feel no desire from it and absolutely hate it because it only ends in me giving up in frustration and feeling useless, like I'm broken. I'm just sat there wondering 'is that it?'. I also only end up masturbating maybe a couple times a month at most.

I'd say I am repulsed by my own genitalia, but that's a gender thing not an orientation thing, and this is different.

Is this some form of asexuality? Anyone else have any similar experiences?

[poindexter]

Could be that you're sex-repulsed. A lot of asexuals experience this, but it's not unheard of for sexuals to feel repulsed also.

If you feel that you experience sexual attraction (or a desire for sex), then it could be you aren't asexual, but that's up for you to decide.

Also, welcome to AVEN :)

[ellastokes]

Asexuality is determined by rather or not you experience attraction that is sexual towards other people; it is basically a pull towards being intimate with someone.

If there is no pull ever, then you could be asexual.

If there is a pull only once you've developed an emotional bond with them, then you could be demisexual.

If there is a pull only rarely, under specific circumstances, or the pull is insignificant/not strong enough to make you want to actually do anything, then you could be gray-asexual (gray-a, grace).

I would say either you're demisexual, seeing as you only desired anything once emotional intimacy was founded.

Or, gray-asexual, because it sounds like you only experience it under fairly specific circumstances and it doesn't sound strong enough to make you wanna actually do anything.

But you're the only one who can say for sure.

Welcome to AVEN, btw. :)

[JustanotherTobigirl]

I think many people confuse asexuality, sex repulsion, and sexual fear.

asexuality is lack of sexual attraction. If you desire a sex, at all, with them. If you have a fear of sex, but still feel the desire for it, even if you don't feel like acting on it for the fear, then your not asexual. Only you can know how you truly feel about something, but I hope this helps.

[WoodwindWhistler]

Can you remember back to a time when you hadn't been abused? What was attraction like then? Have you ever had someone who did not abuse you (besides the most recent case)? Have you had *any* substantive periods of relationships that were non-abusive??

I wouldn't call you asexual, but on the asexual spectrum as explained by ellastokes. And you are certainly welcome to come here and blow off steam and find support. We don't turn away anyone, including hypersexuals.

I think it'd be best to just ignore dating for a while, focus on working on yourself first. Do you see a therapist or go to a support group? That's the very first thing you should do. They'll be able to help you tease out whether your revulsion and fear is your mind's reaction to trauma (which personally, I think is likely- subconsciously not wanting to do something that's going to bring up associations of your past) or if it is a innate tendency. I recommend meditation to most people, regardless of their problem, but that might not be your cup of tea, and the feelings it will probably release for you specifically are going to be very unpleasant at first.