"Outed" without consent

[starguitar]

Hey everyone. I've just found out that someone whom I thought I could trust and who is one of only a very small number of people whom I have told about my asexuality has outed me to a fair number of people (worryingly, they couldn't give an exact figure) without my consent. For me there is no justification for this and it is pretty unacceptable. I am not ready to be officially out yet and so this has made me very upset and anxious. I don't really know what to do.

So I guess my question is - has this happened to anyone else, and if so, how have you dealt with the situation?

=(

[Adogg]

Nothing you can do really. I'd say explain to the people who were told exactly what was done and show the person for the terrible human they are that would do that to you.

[argar]

I think first I would tell my family in person if you think there is a chance they might learn of it second hand.

I would also see if it would in any way shape or form affect your professional career and find a strategy to deal with that.

Find out why your friend couldn't keep their trap shut, and what exactly they said about you. Did they present you in a negative light?

One of the advantages of this happening though is you will get to see who is a true friend, and who is not.

I'm sorry that now you will have to deal with naysayers.

I hope things work out for the best in the end.

I hope you have the best day you can.

[Ricki]

This happened to me a month ago. It made me lose a lot of trust in all of my friends, however no one has come up to me and apart from one or two people asking about it/making jokey remarks (as that's how me and my friends work in general) then it's been perfectly normal.

Basically, you can't do anything about it so if people do approach you just explain what it is, or say you are uncomfortable about talking about it.

I wouldn't bring it up first if you're uncomfortable, maybe if they come to apologise then ask them why.

Hope you don't get any negative responses from though :)

[Zerο]

That's pretty awful. I'm personally pretty indifferent about people knowing about my asexuality as long as it doesn't cause me problems, but I'd be wary of ever trusting that person again if I was you.

I haven't dealt with this particular problem myself, but trusting people is always a measured risk. Weigh the risk vs. reward and decide if it's worth it.

[aceymcaceace]

Something similar happened to me in secondary school. I told my best friend and before I knew it my entire science class knew. I had to just ignore people's comments and reply with a curt 'none of your business' to any probing questions. I hope that the people who they told will at least be respectful of you and your identity, but remember that it's not your duty to confirm or deny anything you don't want to. Some people may ask questions that upset you or annoy you, but just don't give them the time of day. I used to panic and deny my sexuality until they backed off, which felt awful. I don't recommend you do that.

I'm sorry your situation sucks right now.. Remember everything is temporary. :-)

[Elnae]

Yep, I've been there. I'm sorry this happened to you. :( And to everybody else who has experienced this too.

My Mum has recently told 2 of my Aunts and my Brother without my permission. Now, I love my Mum to bits and I know she did it because she is proud of me, which is sweet and all but I have very carefully chosen the people I wanted to tell and I would never have chosen to tell either my Brother or one of my Aunts if I'd had a choice.

I've been lucky that there has been no fallout (as yet), but if any of these 3 people go on to tell anybody else having been sworn to secrecy by my Mother, I'm going to go frigging ballistic!!!

[Rising Sun]

Chances are that if they did that, they also made other private things about you public. And if that's true, that would be enough for me to stop talking to those people if they were my own "friends". They obviously like gossips.

[Xavy]

This is a terrible thing, as far as I know, no one has done this to me yet, but I wouldn't be totally surprised if it did happen and I am yet to find out.

[Member54880]

That's awful that happened, and it is unacceptable of this person you trusted to do that.

It's up to you to decide if you want to cut that person off for betrayal. If you still want to keep in contact with this person, you aren't obligated to trust them right away; it needs to be re-earned, if you allow it.

I've had it happen once, by a 'partner' who told a friend, because he was asking about dating advice, and thought my asexuality was one of the complicating factors. The other person only said that might not be a significant factor, not thinking orientation had to do with it. This is just a minor example, but I was annoyed when he revealed that he told someone without my agreement.

[Tacoline]

this happened recently. well sort of. one of my friends who i came out to a few years ago because he was interested in me and i didn't want to lead him on, he had been talking to another friend of mine. this other friend is new, i only met him a few weeks ago. i guess they were talking about me, and this caused the new friend to message me on steam one day with some of his past dating issues, leading me to believe he was interested in me. at which point i explained the definition of asexuality without saying asexuality. his response was that i may not have found the right person yet... *sigh* well whatever at least he's still my friend. the other friend has apparently been worrying about my happiness... anyway i think i posted this story on another board so that's the short version.

i'm still annoyed that instead of talking to me, they decide to talk to themselves and decide that i'm not happy.

i have another friend who i came out to years ago, he's been very supportive and actually sends me (in private messages) videos or articles about asexuality. without me even asking he never outs me in any way.

[OkayWithIt]

Yep, unfortunately this is a common occurrence. This happened to me as well! With both my asexuality and the side of me that romantically likes males.

I'd recommend talking to your supposed friend about why he/she outed you.

I'd imagine it won't be a big deal, but if anyone approaches you asking about it, just be honest with them. It'll be a good way to get used to explaining your asexuality to someone.

If anyone is rude or bullies you about it, defend yourself; if it worsens, report it to an authority (like if you're in school or a workplace).

There's no magic way to erase everyone's memory unfortunately, so the best thing you can do is turn this unfortunate situation into a positive one! :) Hope that helped.

[Blinkin]

That's horrible! I would sit and talk with that person and tell them how you feel about it. But most importantly: think about the people that need to know it for you personally. It might be good if they hear it from you and not someone else, in that way you can let them know you trust them about this personal thing. Good luck. :)

[starguitar]

Thanks for the responses everyone. This wasn't the first time that this person has said/done something really horrible to me so I have decided to cut them out of my life.

[WünderBâhr]

Generally, I think it's a horrible thing to have your personal business shared with everyone under the sun, when whomever is doing the sharing isn't you. And you are well within your rights, so to speak, to decide to cut that person out of your life.

However, I do want to offer another perspective to this, as I have heard and seen similar scenarios in the past month or so from several people.

My private life is private. I'm a very private person. So, unless I am the one talking about it, I generally don't feel comfortable with others discussing it. But I do understand that certain situations may happen where it is reasonable, and maybe even acceptable, for others to bring it up. For example: Person A says they like rock-climbing. Person B (who may or may not have experience with this) says: "Oh, Person C loves rock-climbing. They were just telling me about them going last Saturday."

Technically, they just shared someone's personal business, but under the guise that it is relevant to the conversation they are having, and with someone they feel can connect to that particular subject. I have had friends openly discuss my asexuality, because they don't see it as shouting from the rooftops that I am asexual. Rather, they saw the asexuality as abstract and with an understanding that it was/is not the whole of who I am. Sometimes, it was even used in reference to a discussion over sexuality and then turned into a vis-ed conversation where other people learned a little more about themselves, as well as asexuality in general. And that kind of 'outing' I minded less than just blurting it out with a neon sign for no apparent reason. It's still my personal life, but I can understand when stuff like that happens either purely by accident, or with education in mind.

[Guest]

That sucks...I'm sorry that happened to you. Like you said, this person has a track record of letting you down, so I think you'll be better off without them.

Thankfully, I've never been in a situation like that. I don't trust anyone with personal information about me...maybe that's a bit sad though.

[Ace of Cakes]

I saw this thread closer to when you posted it and as no one had outed me without permission, didn't feel like I had much to add. Well...... That's changed. My boyfriend told his sister because he needed someone to talk to about it, and I get that. Obviously it was wrong, but he really had no idea how much it would affect me. He trusts his sister, so I guess I do too. But it's bugging me a lot and I just wish it would stop. I love him and I don't want this to get in the way of that, but I still can't stop thinking about it.

All that to say I know how you feel. I guess you're not really looking for advice anymore as you've already made your decision, but I think I just needed somewhere to share what I'm going through without the hullabaloo of a whole new thread. So sorry that happened to you and I hope it doesn't have too much of a negative ripple effect!

[Lenika]

Actually I'm fine with people outing me, just as long as they know what the f*** they are talking about when they do and don't spew misconceptions. Which sadly is easy for people to do when they don't understand something.

Its less explaining for me to do if the population around me recognizes I am unavailable for sexual relations of any kind.