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Could Your Upbringing Have Contributed To Your Being Asexual?


Contrarian Expatriate

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Contrarian Expatriate

In my ever expanding quest to determine potential causes of asexuality (nature vs nurture), I wonder if my childhood upbringing had a role to play. In a nutshell:

-I lived in a household where my parents never showed physical affection for each other.

-My parents never had a sexual discussion with me. When I broached a sexual topic, only a vague, non-sex-based answer was given in response.

-I was required to put my head down in movie theaters whenever a scene depicting sex or intimacy was on the screen.

-Both of my parents requested that television channel be changed when sexuality or intimacy was showing on the screen.

-My questions about romantic interests or an interest in a girl where frowned upon, discouraged, and met with,"You don't need to be worrying about girls, worry about your schoolwork."

As you can see, I did not have relationship modeling nor encouragement about sex and relationships from my parents. While I am not sure this contributed to my being sexual, I suspect it had something to do with it.

Do any other members suspect that their parental upbringing contributed to their being asexual? This is not to suggest that there is anything wrong or undesirable, but I'm curious to know if my childhood experience was common among asexuals.

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My parents were ideal in that respect: anything but sex-obsessed, not really into sex jokes or anything like that, but still really open and comfortable about it.

My mom had the talk with me, but it was completely matter of fact and not awkward at all. My parents, my little brother and I can sit through a love scene in a movie without it being uncomfortable in the least.

Considering how my family has always had a remarkably healthy attitude towards sex, I don't think it has played a role in my asexuality.

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Conscientious Ghost

Yes, my upbringing could have contributed to me being asexual. I think it's a concoction of nature and nurture. My parents only had sexual intercourse to create my older brother and me. The topic of sex rarely surfaces any conversation I have with my parents. If it was mention, we would gloss over it and move on with a different topic. There wasn't a need or lecture about it. I almost think everyone except my brother in the family was in a glowing area of asexuality.

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We only have the second point in common.

I do remember my father having the sex talk when I broached the subject, but his answer was so boring and convoluted I lost interest.

I do remember enjoying the company of girls, and to this day I still enjoy the company of women, but I never had the sex feeling, but I did develop the romantic feeling. I remember getting crushes on girls, but never wanting to kiss them or anything.

My parents were for the most part blue collar folks, and my upbringing was much the same. I remember telling them a girl liked me, and they encouraged me to ask her out, and we did go to one dance, but her interest soon waned, which didn't bother me at all, actually I think I unconsciously convince her to get over the crush she had on me.

I'm not sure, maybe it could be because I was so isolated as a kid growing up, it wasn't until I was maybe six or seven that I went to school and hung out with more kids my age. I don't know for a long time it seems my thoughts were in a haze, then one day it cleared up and I started noticing things. I started realizing I was not like everyone else, but I can't really tell you what made me realize this. For a long time I just accepted I was odd and really though of all my contemporaries as "dick thinkers," I got over that phase and just lived my life by my own standards. It wasn't until November of last year that asexuality started making sense to me. I saw 5 minutes of the documentary (A)sexual, and a few weeks later finished it in December.

I can't really pin point were I developed, or didn't develop, seeing women as sex objects, or seeing them as sex objects but not connecting that feeling to actually having sex, if that makes sense.

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I don't. My parents never had a problem kissing in front of my brother and me. My mother talked to me openly about sex though not in any graphic detail. Sexual depictions on TV was never an issue and my relatives used to always joke with me by saying "so how many boyfriends do you have" and the like. In general, my parents just always thought it was cute when a boy flirted with me, or when I made a comment about a boy that my family members assumed was due to romantic interest.

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At the age of 15, I was speaking out against the health textbooks in Texas because they weren't teaching us about proper sex ed.

And I dared say the word "condom" in front of a bunch of school board members who had already made up their minds about what the kids in Texas would not be learning.

They didn't like me much but my parents were so proud.

My parents actually helped me find that and encouraged me to speak out on behalf of the kids my own age. They knew 15 year olds had sex, they knew I wasn't having sex but they also knew that if I were to start I would be safe about it.

So I would say that's unlikely.

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I wondered for awhile if my upbringing might have contributed to my asexuality. We never really had "the talk" or talked about much of anything sexual. I wasn't allowed to watch those scenes (even kissing) in movies or on TV for a long time (we would fast-forward or something). My family is also very Christian, so abstinence was always expected even if sex was never really discussed.

However, I've come to the conclusion that this probably didn't play a huge role in making me asexual. My sister, raised in the same environment, is quite different and definitely sexual. And I have many friends raised in similar situations, who attended the same HS I attended (Christian, a wonderful school but not great with sexual stuff of any kind) who are definitely sexual. So no, once I thought about it more, I decided that my upbringing probably did not contribute to me being ace. It's just who I am!

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I used to think that. I went to boys-only schools and accepted the theory that mixed-sex schools were somehow less educational.

But then I noticed that my peers were finding girlfriends anyway. I couldn't understand how or where they were finding them but obviously it occurred.

I know people who grew up in even more tightly-controlled single-sex environments and then followed the socially-acceptable norms and eventually got married. So I would say that even a highly asexual childhood doesn't seem to affect the sexuals. It doesn't even seem to slow them down.

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I don't think my upbringing had anything to do with my asexuality. My parents never gave the 'talk' to me directly, but I think it is because they noticed I wasn't really interested in romance or sex that much, so there wasn't really a need to have the discussion. My parents never tried to hide the topic of sex, my sister has received the talk many times and she is most definitely sexual. The way I was raised didn't have a part in my asexuality, I just think that I was born asexual.

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I think a lot about this, but the thing is, none of my siblings are asexual and we had the exact same upbringing so it's hard to accept that my upbringing is the cause of my asexuality.

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RoswellValentine

Potentially, though I personally don't feel like my upbringing had much of an influence. (Then again, I don't feel like much influences me, even if it clearly does.)

Sexual topics were never really brought up or discussed, but it wasn't because it was taboo more as it was never really a topic any of us cared about a lot. My mom gave the talk to me and my brother once or twice [about the time I was in middle school], and never really brought it up again. My parents were fine with my brother and I never having an interest in getting a boyfriend or a girlfriend (still have yet to date).

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I doubt it in my case. I only have to look at my siblings, who are all sexual. Some very much so. We all have a variety of different personalities of all sorts.

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ChainSmokingBob

I don't believe asexuality is affected by how you're brought up.

It's very possible you've been brought up to avoid sex and sexual content and have suppressed any desires as a result, but I don't believe such an upbringing would make you asexual specifically.

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Nope, my upbringing had nothing to do with my asexuality and mine was pretty much the complete opposite of yours. I was almost always the "oddity" in my family for one reason or another though.

My parents and siblings were pretty affectionate... I was always the one avoiding hugs and such.

The main "sex discussion" also occurred and I was welcome to ask any question that occurred to me and while I wasn't allowed to see sexual situations for while very young I was able to watch them as a teenager. I was never discouraged from dating, but I know I amused my family by not seeing the reason behind it (I was always very concerned with logic, and dating as a teenager didn't make sense to me).

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I have four siblings, and we were all raised in the same household. My mother is quite a sexual person, and has had I think four long term (ish) relationships since I was born (as well as casual sex). My three adult siblings are all clearly sexual people, my youngest brother is more interested in gaming but many kids are at his age, and it's not like a talk about sex with him lol. So I don't think it has anything to do with nurture in my case. When I told my dad I am asexual, he said he has an asexual brother (that I have never met) so maybe it is something in the genes?

Also, I was fascinated with learning everything I could about sex from a very young age (as well as masturbating from quite young) I was pretty much a sex and orgasm expert by 14 heh ..it wasn't until it came to actually *having* sex when I was 17/18 that I was like.. "hmmm.. I'm really not into this at all" I still went with it, and did for a long time, faking enjoyment and assuming that's what women always do and that I had been wrong my entire life about women actually enjoying sex, I figured it must be a lie every single women tells even to each other :p .. it wasn't until I became friends with some very sexual girls who absolutely loved sex and could orgasm even with strangers that I realized, actually.. maybe I wasn't wrong in the first place :o it must be something broken inside me that is making me this way...

I didn't learn about asexuality for many years, but when I did, it totally clicked. it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had been confused for years, thinking that my desire for sensuality and closeness (sensual attraction) was actually sexual attraction: because I wasn't feeling sexual attraction, that's why I didn't want or enjoy the sex when it happened, regardless of whether or not I was aroused.

So, definitely nature in my case I believe.

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Contrarian Expatriate

Asexuality has everything to do with how one's brain is wired. The question is if that particular wiring was present at birth or if it is influenced by experiences. Let's not forget that upbringing can include factors other than parents such as school, faith, peers, and other experiences outside the home.

A lot of responders (and I appreciate all of the input) are dismissive about the possibility that upbringing affects asexuality because of sexual siblings. I'm afraid the presence of sexual siblings does not close the door on the question because your perceptions and sensitivities might have been quite different than your siblings.

Also, while I can appreciate the desire for it to be an open and shut case that one is born asexual, in my evidence-based world, such has not yet been proven. It could be that some people were born asexual and some conditioned into it. Or it could be entirely one way or the other.

For the record, whether one is born Ace or becomes Ace has no bearing on the legitimacy of asexuality. We are what we are, no matter how we got here. But learning about individual causes of it can shed light on whether or not it is an natural phenomenon if it is meant for some greater evolutionary purpose.

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There are many asexuals who say they believe they were born asexual, just as there are those who believe they became asexual over time. When I read most of the comments here, I see people relating their own experiences and beliefs about the origins of their own sexuality. I think many people would have thought about this a lot, they aren't just dismissing the idea they could have *became* asexual instead of being born that way, but in their own personal experiences, they do believe that being born that way is true in their case.

I don't think it has anything to do with 'evolutionary purposes' it's just how our brains are wired. There have been homosexuals since forever (ancient Greek art as an example) I'm pretty sure it's exactly the same with asexuality it's just never something that has actually been recognised before.

Some people's brains are just wired for/or *become* wired to, asexuality. I don't think there's any reason behind it just as there is no *reason* behind homosexuality or bisexuality.. it's just how some people are.

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And think about the amount of sexual people bought up in homes where parents don't show affection to each other, where 'sex' is never spoken of, and where 'breasts' or 'penis' or 'vagina' are considered filthy words. Also being yelled at and punished if being caught masturbating or touching themselves. They might have hang-ups but they still become very sexual people.

Of course, that doesn't mean someone can't 'become' asexual from growing up like this, but the amount of sexuals who grew up this way would prove that becoming asexual as a result of this kind of upbringing is a very rare thing.

That's just my opinion though :cake:

EDIT: rare in comparison to the amount of sexuals there are I mean. I don't know how many asexuals grew up in sexually repressive homes, but as asexuals make up only about 1% of the population it just stands to reason that the amount of sexuals brought up in sexually repressive homes far outweighs the amount of asexuals that were brought up that way.

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For the record I do think it's likely a mixture of social and biological factors, just that not all these factors are going to be present in everyone. For some people it'll be only one or the other but I think it's likely a combination for most people. I lean towards biology, however, and in the case of social factors I believe there was probably (though not necessarily!) a biological predisposition.

For me, however, my parents were always normally affectionate, they answered my questions (more or less), I was allowed to watch "age-appropriate" movies but as I got older some of those movies might have maybe alluded to sex without picturing it. (In elementary school my big thing was Pirates of the Carribean... There was probably something in there, haha.) I took to making raunchy jokes I guess to fit in, and because humor is a coping mechanism and for a very long time sex made me very scared and upset. I was sex-repulsed until pretty recently. (I kind of forced myself out of it before I came to terms with my asexuality. Long story.)

Fairly certain my sister is also asexual but she is on the autistic spectrum, and that is pretty common so I hear.

For me, I don't think social factors played a big role, I think I just never developed those feelings, even after I surmounted my fears. The fears, too, were pretty inborn. For a short time as a child I was also uncomfortable with homosexuality, which I definitely did NOT get from my parents and I eventually grew out of, so I don't think it's so out there that I could have conceived of sex-repulsion on my own, as well. I don't know which came first, asexuality or sex-repulsion, but the fact of the matter is the repulsion probably came from my own mind, and when I had rid myself of the repulsion the asexuality remained, soo. *shrug*

The only thing I can really think of from my upbringing that maybe made a difference was no brothers growing up. Sooo penises were scary.

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5_♦♣

I doubt it, because a) I wasn't always Asexual despite being brought up in a conservative (though not religious) household. And b) my brother was brought up the same way and he's definitely sexual.

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Contrarian Expatriate

There are many asexuals who say they believe they were born asexual, just as there are those who believe they became asexual over time. When I read most of the comments here, I see people relating their own experiences and beliefs about the origins of their own sexuality. I think many people would have thought about this a lot, they aren't just dismissing the idea they could have *became* asexual instead of being born that way, but in their own personal experiences, they do believe that being born that way is true in their case.

I don't think it has anything to do with 'evolutionary purposes' it's just how our brains are wired. There have been homosexuals since forever (ancient Greek art as an example) I'm pretty sure it's exactly the same with asexuality it's just never something that has actually been recognised before.

Some people's brains are just wired for/or *become* wired to, asexuality. I don't think there's any reason behind it just as there is no *reason* behind homosexuality or bisexuality.. it's just how some people are.

We will have to agree to disagree. If I declare that I was born asexual because that's what I believe does not make it true. There could be factors in infancy or before the age of 5 that could have given rise to Ace status.

Also, there is a body of peer-reviewed research that suggests evolutionary benefits of homosexuality. So the oversimplification of "That's just how some people are," is likely not accurate.

I hope the asexual community stays oriented towards critical thinking and fact-based opinions instead of cliche and unsupported conclusions. There is too much that can be learned for us to languish in the land of groupthink.

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We will have to agree to disagree. If I declare that I was born asexual because that's what I believe does not make it true. There could be factors in infancy or before the age of 5 that could have given rise to Ace status.

Also, there is a body of peer-reviewed research that suggests evolutionary benefits of homosexuality. So the oversimplification of "That's just how some people are," is likely not accurate.

I hope the asexual community stays oriented towards critical thinking and fact-based opinions instead of cliche and unsupported conclusions. There is too much that can be learned for us to languish in the land of groupthink.

Just what research studies suggest that there are evolutionary benefits of homosexuality? Cites, please.

No one's languishing in the "land of groupthink". We are all individuals on AVEN, of different ages and different opinions and different experiences, and that's pretty plain by reading any of these types of threads. Telling us that we're group-thinking is kind of insulting.

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No, it is definitely not the case for me. My brain is just wired differently and it is how I am and how I always have been.

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Aisntllecxtual

My parents never had the sex talk with me. The subject of sex thankfully never came up in the household. I say thankfully because looking back I do seem to remember thinking about that and dreaded that awkward uncomfortable possibility. Maybe, I didn't get the talk, in part, because I didn't ask questions - seemed disinterested (which was very true). The most physical affection between my parents that I saw was when my father would give my mother quick loving pecks (kisses) on the cheek - usually after good meals. Did this constrained - which was nevertheless undoubtedly affectionate in my mind - expressive milieu make me asexual? I am quite sure no. Did this familial environment contribute in reinforcing my otherwise acute asexual - what I believe is orientation rooted in - nature? As to this formative question, I musically quote Dylan, in conjuring up the 1960s, of tender youthful childhood, the answer is blowin in the wind.

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Hmm.. I don't think my upbringing really had much to do with it. My parents were very open with the topic of sex from a relatively young age (About 11, I reckon) and they were always quite loving in front of me and my sister. I always imagined that I'd grow up, get married and have kids like they did until I reached 13 and saw that I was developing differently to other teenagers. I found asexuality at 15 and considering that by then I still hadn't experience sexual attraction at all, I gave it a shot and I feel the same way now! I figure most of the reason for my asexuality is just deeply buried in my coding somewhere, but who the hell knows? I don't think anyone can know for sure!

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@sally2: http://www.livescience.com/6106-gay-uncles-pass-genes.html

As an aside, we can't say whether there are biological or social factors involved in determining sexual orientation, it's not clear and something science has only recently undertaken figuring out. As such the scientific community is a little divided on the subject. I don't think we can point to any factors right now as direct causes or not because there simply isn't the research. I would however lean heavily towards biology. Even if there are psychological and social factors my guess is there's a biological foundation.

I want there to be more research on asexuality, specifically! It interests me very much but there has been very little research thus far. Right now we can only speculate.

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ranting ferret

i would say my upbringing influence how i showed my asexuality and response to it upon finding out, but i don't think it influences my asexuality itself.

there was no talk of sex in my house. or at least none around me. to the point where i did not know what was going on during my first period (not okay). my mom did help me take care of that and kinda told me very dryly what was technically going on in my body. that was it though, years later i somehow put together that it's part of the baby-making process (still not sure how i figured that one out).

my friends wouldn't really talk about sex stuff very much around me...not directly anyway. which was a mix of being glad and wondering what was going on and why i couldn't join in. but i awkward very easily. then was even worse.

things like sex scenes in movies were skipped if it lasted longer than a couple seconds or clothes started coming off, never saw naked bodies.

but i had older siblings, all who dated. my parents would kiss around us, not often, but word. verbally affectionate and kind to us all. we were huggers, i'm still a big hugger of people.

but i was never interested in dating anyone, even though i had some pretty good guy friends (as i explained to people, i'd feel the same way about them if they were girls, now i might say i had a squish?) and i never asked question about any of that and no information or encouragement was ever offered either.

sex was indirectly portrayed as being a really bad thing, the end.

anything else branching off (dating, etc) seemed to just be mildly ignored.

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I think a lot about this, but the thing is, none of my siblings are asexual and we had the exact same upbringing so it's hard to accept that my upbringing is the cause of my asexuality.

This!

In my opinion, my upbringing/nurture can't even influence my view on sex and romance, let alone my orientation. My parents are a bit conservative and traditional but that's nothing new where I live. I used to consider myself as highly sexual because of my interest in sex and I have fairly high libido. My parents don't like to discuss about sex. Most Asian parents don't anyway but I have very positive views on sex, I talk about it constantly and I am very kinky lol Plus my parents are romantics and so are my siblings. I was raised in a very romance positive environment and was encouraged to seek for a romantic partner. But hey, I'm romance repulsed. So what's up with that?

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