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Could Your Upbringing Have Contributed To Your Being Asexual?


Contrarian Expatriate

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divinelydesigned

I am in the midst of figuring out answers to this question myself. I am 52 years old and always knew I was different but have only known the term "asexual" for less than five years. My marriage of 25 years has recently ended because my husband decided it was ok to refuse any contact at all for the past ten years until I "FIXED" what was wrong with me. I finally came to realize that this is how I'm designed, and I don't need to be fixed, so I asked him to leave.

However, that being said... I have been asexual as far back as I can remember. I never dated until my husband, and I was 23 then. I never went through the boy band stage and thought my peers to be "Silly girls" because they were going ga-ga over some rock star poster, etc... I didn't get it. I knew I wasn't attracted to ANYONE EVER in a sexual way, and I heard many many times from people who love me that I "Just haven't found the right guy yet".

My parents were married until I was thirteen, and in that time I did not see them express physical touch or love at all. My dad was abusive, and eventually cheated on my mom, so they divorced. I was molested twice and nearly twice more by relatives between the age of 8 and sixteen. I had the proverbial bicycle accident at 13, (It was an eventful year), and my private parts swelled up and turned purple like a giant plum. LOL.. Have always wondered if I "broke" something that changed my ability to enjoy arousal.

When my dad re-married, he had a violent relationship with my step-mother. They got drunk and fought hard....beating each other bloody on several occassions where I as the eldest child in THAT household, was responsible for ushering the younger children to the neighbors, calling the cops, and trying to help tear them off each other, with the help of my step brother.

At other times, they would clear the kitchen table and grope each other passionately, no matter which of the children were watching. And there were days when I would come home to my step mother and my neighbor making penises out of playdough on the kitchen table.

My home was also FILLED with dirty jokes and inuendo, sarcasm, and cynicism. If you didn't get it, or play along... if you weren't quick enough, you were ridiculed and made to feel stupid. Many of my friends are surprised to find I am asexual, because I am so good at "talking the talk".

I remember vividly at about age 16, watching my parents grab each other and thinking, "There HAS to be more to being an adult than SEX".

So YES, I was abused and damaged. But to be honest, I remember feeling "different" long before I felt abused. So I am really not sure what affected me most. Just this week I went to the doctor and began to try to unravel all this. I am getting blood tests to see if my hormone levels are different from what is the norm. And I am in the process of finding a psychologist to help me sort out details.

My current opinion is that some people are born this way, and some are driven to it, and there is a spectrum in between. I think I was born with it, but it was definitely affected negatively by my upbringing. I might have been able to label myself sooner and not waste time trying to be "normal" had I been brought up in a loving and respectful way. But ... no looking back now! :)

Hope this is helpful.

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There's a big difference between sexual dislike and repulsion.

Seems that a lot of so called sex-positive asexuals :wacko: automatically assume sex-negative asexuals are sexually repulsed when they simply have a dislike/aversion for sexual activity.

I am confused as to what you mean here, to be honest.

What does ''so called sex-positive asexual :wacko:'' mean to you exactly? :o ..

I am about as sex-positive as people come (even by sexual standards), I find sex and sexuality to be fascinating subjects, and am grossed out by absolutely no aspect of sex (yay body fluids! haha) yet I myself have an extreme aversion to actually having partnered sexual activity, because it is not something that I desire, or enjoy.

It's the same way a heterosexual man might feel about having partnered sex with another man, regardless of how aroused he is, or how positive he is towards the homosexual community etc, he would just be unable to desire or enjoy sex with another man because he is heterosexual. That is how I feel about partnered sex with people of any gender. Even my partner, who I am deeply romantically and sensually attracted to, I have no desire to have partnered sex with, no matter how aroused I am, and wouldn't enjoy the sensations of sex if I did have it with him.

To me ''sex-negativity'' and ''sex-repulsion'' are that extreme dislike that makes people talk about sex as though it is a dirty, disgusting and loathsome thing in general (as opposed to being a completely natural act that many people enjoy, but they themselves do not wish to partake in) ..that the human body, breasts and genitals especially, are disgusting (''how could anyone want to touch something so distgusting!'') that sort of thing.

I also think that an asexual can be very sex positive without being sexually active (as I am) just as an asexual can be sex negative yet be sexually active.

So out of interest, what do the terms Sex Positive, Sex Negative, and Sex Repulsed mean to you? :o

EDIT: What I meant by my previous comment was that while some people are born (and grow into adults) without an innate desire for partnered sexual contact (asexuals) I do not believe that people are born thinking sex is disgusting, filthy, shameful etc.. I believe the latter is a learned through upbringing/bad sexual experiences/etc

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I don't think my upbringing has contributed much to my sexuality. My family and I are very open about sex and make a lot of sex jokes. Sometimes I even feel like my mother is a bit to open about it.

I do on the other hand suspect my brother is at least demi sexual as well, but I don't even know if something like that can run in a family??

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I've known about sex (in the reproductive sense) since I was about two. I "knew" that it was an intimate, romantic activity, but didn't grok that. Still don't, really. Anyway, it's not like my parents tried to hide the world from me in any way.

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bunnybunnybunny

I'm not sure where I fall on the sexual orientation scale, but my parents' view on sex was negative. My mother always outwardly expressed disgust whenever there was a sexual act on television or in advertisements or whatever. My parents' relationship was absolutely not great (abusive to eachother, not to me). I can remember some situations in which they openly displayed their sexuality when I was a very young child, though, which just makes the whole situation even weirder.

I'm sorry to see your parents raised you with an absent view on sexuality. I hope you're comfortable with yourself now, wherever you land on that aspect.

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I don't think my upbringing had a thing to do with my sexuality. I remember the sex talk my mother had with me, which was actually quite good, from what I remember of it, but I also remember not believing a word she said. I think with me, it's nature entirely. My mother told me about sex, and what was going to start happening to me when I was a teenager with menstruation and my reply - and mum will back this up - was: "Yeah mum, I've seen you lay an egg!"

I simply didn't believe that people would do that, or that something like that would happen to me. My brother, on the other hand, is one of the most sexual people I know. He actually craves sex and is open about wanting to be with women and that simply mystifies me. We were raised the exact same - with the exception of the sex talk being given by dad ("What do you know?" "Everything." "Good.") but I am Ace and he really isn't. :)

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PurpleKoolaid

I think that upbringing/life experience can effect your view on sex, having sex, relationships, sexuality and how it should be expressed, ext ext. but not your actual orientation, attraction, and what you are/aren't drawn to regardless of what people say.

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I don't label myself with any particular orientation. Romantically, I'm hetroromantic, turning a great deal towards aromantic over the last 10 years, but from a sexual orientation perspective, I don't label myself.

This is because I still have a load of questions about my sexuality, even at 38 years old. Even though I have no interest or desire for sex, I can't completely rule out certain childhood experiences. I wasn't abused as a child, but for the first nine years of my life, I was witness to a lot of domestic violence. It wasn't unusual for me to go to bed to the sound of Mum's screams, or to come downstairs to see Dad restraining Mum while he held a carving knife to her neck.

And this is just the tip of it.

Being realistic, I can't rule out those experiences affecting me as I've grown up, and as I believe that you are born a particular orientation, it leaves me with a lot of questions there orientation-wise.

I have noticed that a lot of people prefer labels. There's nothing wrong with that. However, some people will try to push me to label myself, even though I don't want to label myself as straight/asexual/whatever. If they do indeed push me, I will say I'm ace after some pushing - but as long as they understand I don't label myself. As a result, there are times I feel the label is more for their benefit than for me.

What is a hell of a lot more important to me is that I have found there are a group of people out there who I actually relate to. It's terribly lonely even when you're surrounded by good friends when you feel you're the only one who feels a complete lack of interest in sex. I remember times when I felt like an island in the middle of a wide sea because of it.

This has been the main benefit of AVEN and those here for me. I have found people here I can relate to, that I can understand and appreciate. Some of my friends have said that they'd gladly set me up with a prostitute in order to get me laid, or have even tried setting me up with women so I can have sex - all without my permission or without me asking them to. That is a really uncomfortable experience (one woman said that she wasn't interested - she'd rather have sex with someone with a lot more experience than me. I never thought my lack of experience may actually of been beneficial to me by allowing me to get out of a very uncomfortable situation!) I have lost count of the amount of times I've been told I'm gay or - well, insert your favourite experience here, as I'm sure I share so many experiences as you all!

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Sometimes I wonder if it did - I know some of my friends told me that they were more aware of their bodies/what sex was at a young age, some because they had older siblings, and I just have a twin sister, so we learned everything at around the same time. I had almost no idea how babies were made until my mom gave me the sex talk when I was 10, and then we learned about how it worked in school. Like most schools, sex was always discussed in terms of how things work biologically - and for the sake of making a baby and nothing else - and how to use protection, as well as STD's and how to avoid them and how the best way to avoid them is to "not have sex" - that was made very clear. I remember sitting in the classroom awkwardly, like everyone else, but wondering if everyone else was also thinking "Well if I won't get sick by not having sex, why would I have sex? It looks gross anyways". To be honest, I couldn't imagine how they could possibly be interested.

My dad never discussed anything to do with sex with me, which was fine because that would've been awkward anyways, but my mom was game for answering questions if I had any - but I never asked her because I didn't want to. I've voiced to her a couple times that I'm not interested in sex and I might never be, and she's said it's fine and that she doesn't need to know about my sex life, so that's fine with me, too. My parents have always been incredibly supportive and encouraging, though I still often worry about what they think of me despite that they don't give me reason to.

Also, most people on either side of my family were late bloomers. Most of my cousins didn't date or have any interest in dating until college. All of my aunts and uncles on my dad's side of the family were the same. My cousins and I are close, but we never feel the need to discuss romance or anything like that. We're just more interested in other things.

As a sort of conclusion, I guess I wish sex wasn't promoted so shamefully towards people as they grow up and maybe they won't feel so guilty about it. I think part of my aversion could be fear and anxiety about having sex at all, though at this point it's mostly just disinterest. I believe this lack of interest comes mostly from myself and the person that I am, but I think that all surrounding factors always impact our lives whether we're aware of it or not.

("What do you know?" "Everything." "Good.")

This made me smile.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I've wondered about this a lot, actually. I grew up in a very conservative Christian home where sex was never talked about or even alluded to, except for when my mom would tell us that we should wait for marriage, because our purity was the most important thing we could bring to the relationship. I don't think my mom meant for me to take it this way, but I grew up feeling like my entire value as a human being rested on the fact that I was a virgin, I felt that if I chose to have sex, I would be less of a person. Whenever I asked my mom questions about sex, she talked about it like a chore or a marital duty. All in all, I grew up with a very negative view of sex and intimacy.

At the same time, I don't remember ever having experienced any type of sexual attraction as a child or a young adult, so who really knows?

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be_the_change

I am trying to figure this out myself.

Instead of not hearing about sex at all growing up, I heard too much of it.

Dad was controlling of mom and isolated her from friends. So, she confided in me. Told me sex was a chore and only to be enjoyed by men. Dad had dirty magazines laying around the house. Always talking about attractive women.

Then I got into an abusive relationship and had an awful experience losing my virginity.

I'm kind of embarrassed posting this but I'm guessing this is a safe place.

I think my upbringing contributed to my lack of interest in sex. I'm currently in therapy exploring this.

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I'm pretty sure the way I was raised had nothing to do with my sexuality at all. My parents believed in answering questions about sexuality as they arised and while they were always serious and respectful about it there was no negativity. They have never shielded us from their or our own nakedness whenever it was appropriate, so we did see our father naked after showering and as girls, (and women) we were never ashamed to, for example, share a dressingroom at the local pool with our mother. I've always felt comfortable as a teen to discuss the physical changes during puberty and my menstrual cycle with my mother, and due to circumstances my father supported me when I had my first child. And I was comfortable with that just as I've never minded nursing my babies openly in the presence of my parents.

Sex and sexuality were always "normal" to me, my parents were and are affectionate with each other in front of us to some degree (not so much that it ever embarrassed us) and I still feel that I can discuss the subject openly with them.

That, and both of my sisters are definite sexuals, and we all had the same upbringing.

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WoodwindWhistler

There's a big difference between sexual dislike and repulsion.

Seems that a lot of so called sex-positive asexuals :wacko: automatically assume sex-negative asexuals are sexually repulsed when they simply have a dislike/aversion for sexual activity.

I am confused as to what you mean here, to be honest.

What does ''so called sex-positive asexual :wacko:'' mean to you exactly? :o ..

I am about as sex-positive as people come (even by sexual standards), I find sex and sexuality to be fascinating subjects, and am grossed out by absolutely no aspect of sex (yay body fluids! haha) yet I myself have an extreme aversion to actually having partnered sexual activity, because it is not something that I desire, or enjoy.

It's the same way a heterosexual man might feel about having partnered sex with another man, regardless of how aroused he is, or how positive he is towards the homosexual community etc, he would just be unable to desire or enjoy sex with another man because he is heterosexual. That is how I feel about partnered sex with people of any gender. Even my partner, who I am deeply romantically and sensually attracted to, I have no desire to have partnered sex with, no matter how aroused I am, and wouldn't enjoy the sensations of sex if I did have it with him.

To me ''sex-negativity'' and ''sex-repulsion'' are that extreme dislike that makes people talk about sex as though it is a dirty, disgusting and loathsome thing in general (as opposed to being a completely natural act that many people enjoy, but they themselves do not wish to partake in) ..that the human body, breasts and genitals especially, are disgusting (''how could anyone want to touch something so distgusting!'') that sort of thing.

I also think that an asexual can be very sex positive without being sexually active (as I am) just as an asexual can be sex negative yet be sexually active.

You can absolutely be sex-negative and yet not repulsed specifically. I might be considered a mild form of that- I don't find sex gross conceptually but I do have a very adamantly negative view of the way it's often used, to manipulate each other and jumped into too early, tearing up people emotionally in the process. But that's not negative towards *healthy sexual relationships. I could easily envision someone who, on the further end of the scale, had no issue with body parts or fluids but at the same time thought sex was an avoidable distraction, and/or an absolute waste of human time and potential, and/or only should be used for reproduction. Actually, come to think of it, the first and middle ones might apply to my beliefs in a more slight manner, too.

It's interesting how you seemingly can separate and set side by side the concepts of sex-positive and aversion, and yet cannot do it in reverse. Repulsion/aversion also often specifically means the individual's feelings about sex, whereas sex-negativity/positivity more refers to the larger view of society's relationship with it, perhaps including the former, perhaps not.

An asexual who was having sex who was also sex-negative sounds like a very toxic way to live. Therapy may be in order. :(

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You can absolutely be sex-negative and yet not repulsed specifically. I might be considered a mild form of that- I don't find sex gross conceptually but I do have a very adamantly negative view of the way it's often used, to manipulate each other and jumped into too early, tearing up people emotionally in the process. But that's not negative towards *healthy sexual relationships. I could easily envision someone who, on the further end of the scale, had no issue with body parts or fluids but at the same time thought sex was an avoidable distraction, and/or an absolute waste of human time and potential, and/or only should be used for reproduction. Actually, come to think of it, the first and middle ones might apply to my beliefs in a more slight manner, too.

It's interesting how you seemingly can separate and set side by side the concepts of sex-positive and aversion, and yet cannot do it in reverse. Repulsion/aversion also often specifically means the individual's feelings about sex, whereas sex-negativity/positivity more refers to the larger view of society's relationship with it, perhaps including the former, perhaps not.

An asexual who was having sex who was also sex-negative sounds like a very toxic way to live. Therapy may be in order. :(

okay so you misread and/or totally misinterpreted me (I think?) from the tone of this comment. I never said someone couldn't be sex-negative yet at the same time not repulsed by sex, I have no idea where you got that idea from. That's actually sort of what I meant by ''sex-negative but sexually active'' meaning not repulsed by the act of sex (don't feel disgusted when they have it with their husband/wife for example) but has an overall negative view of sexual activity (calls women who have lots of sex 'dirty sluts', says people who have sex for pleasure are 'filthy, disgusting'.. that sort of thing)

And viewing sex in an extremely negative light when it is used as a form of manipulation, when it's taking advantage of someone etc doesn't actually count as sex-negative to me, that's actually a healthy aspect of sex-positivity in my books. So yeah, sounds like your'e just using different words than I did, but are practically saying the same thing.

EDIT: ooh okay, I think that you interpreted my reply to Bronte like I was disagreeing with them. I wasn't, I really was just interested what ''so called sex-positive :wacko: '' meant. I took it to mean that Bronte assumed all sex positive people love having sex, and that it wasn't possible for a sex positive person to not physically enjoy sex. I wasn't entirely sure though, which is why I asked (and never got an answer, despite seeing that Bronte liked your comment, which means they obviously read my comment)

The rest of my comment was just me illustrating that someone can be totally sex-positive, yet not enjoy actually having sex themselves, without also being repulsed.

So yeah, that may be where the confusion came in there.

Yes they are Elves, and they say that you breathe so loud that they could shoot you in the dark.

Legolas :wub:

B3-rsOmCAAEv8BQ.jpg

;) :P

LOL!!

Anyway, sorry for going off topic people.

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Some interesting points so far. And a Legolas tangent ^_^

Anywho, my mother is a nympho so I like to think I rebelled against that new-bloke-in-my-house-every-weekend part of my upbringing (my father disappeared after the 11th cheating episode). Although, my sexuality was probably determined long before I rebelled. I'm probably just more open to things than she is, in all aspects of life. She says tattoos and piercings are bad, and so I have two of each. She says transgender is a load of shite - I think it's quite possible to be in a body that doesn't reflect you on the outside. She says everyone is straight really, they just don't always know it - I disagree wholeheartedly! I wonder why I didn't escape her bullshit earlier.

An even bigger tangent - my cat just sneezed on my arm, then ran away!

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whiteblankpage

Well I personally have had some bad experiences concerning sex, but nothing traumatic I'd say! I am a proud virgin in a society where that is a rare thing, unfortunately. But I think that pride has to do with a certain situation I found myself in when I was very young, like kindergarten or somewhere there...

A very sexual person in my family, who was the stereotypical adolescent male at the time, sat me down once and told me "one day you'll understand the desires I have"

I was so disgusted and wanted to get away from him as fast as possible. That day still resonates loudly inside my mind. I told myself that I would never understand those desires. Maybe I was right-- I can't understand sexual desire because I don't have it. Or maybe, I don't understand sexual desire because I told myself not to. Either way, I know that I am asexual--whether through nurture or nature. Both are equally powerful.

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confused_asexual

I'm not sure, I was thinking the same thing. I don't even know if my romantic orientation (heteromantic) as it is now is entirely accurate. I mean, when I was little I had no interest in dating anyone or anything, it wasn't until my friend mentioned that one of the boys was kind of cute. "____ is kind of cute hey?"

I had never seen boys (or anyone else) as "cute" or "attractive" until my friend told me. Then recently I was hanging out with some friends, and we're all really comfortable around each other. So me and my one friend (who I know is bisexual) were chilling and cuddling and shit, and then he leaned in to kiss me. She gave me a kiss on the cheek but I felt a little... Disappointed? I didn't want her to kiss me, or did I? It wasn't until now and that a lot more gay people are coming out of the closet that I started wondering if maybe I like both?

Maybe my upbringing did, since I'm also religious. But I don't like saying that because it's not like that for me, I honestly don't want to have sex. And everytime when I tell my mom "I don't want it" she says "Not until you get married."

I just don't bother with too many labels, its easier to just say I'm straight. Besides, saying "biromantically curious asexual" is a pain in the ass. ;)

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My upbringing had nothing to do with my asexuality. I come from a relatively open family. They are not super religious but do value the "traditional" family (no babies out of wedlock, two parents, preferably of differing sexes, etc.). My dad is more reserved about his personal life, but my mom is really bad at hiding her sex life from my siblings and me. I never needed "the talk" because I figured it out long before my parents thought of openly broaching the subject. My mom gave me a book on puberty and sex that had diagrams and cartoons of naked people. Heck, I ended up teaching her, a grown married woman, how to use a tampon. When I was in high school she was on the board of Planned Parenthood and freely gave my sister and I condoms.

I called my parents from the ER when I was sexually assaulted and their reaction was totally supportive. They just wanted to know that I was OK. They do not care (too much) if my siblings and I engage in premarital sex as long as we do it safely and wisely and don't get knocked up. We crack sex jokes in front of each other. Last time I visited, I played Cards Against Humanity with my family, which is incredibly vulgar, and we all had a great time. I have two siblings who are (as far as I know) allosexual.

I have accidentally walked in on my parents doing it, which was not fun, but it didn't traumatize me in a permanent way. I'm only slightly disgusted when I hear thumping coming from their bedroom and usually think, "Good for them. I'm glad they're still enjoying themselves after 30+ years." I feel I have a healthy neutral attitude toward sex (though I wouldn't consider myself precisely sex-positive, for reasons).

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My parents worked a lot, so I was either taken care by my older sister or baby sitters the majority of my childhood. I've been exposed to countless "sexual" things on TV since I was 4, starting with Britney Spears, and progressing to those lame reality TV shows that my sis always watches, discovering the internet as a child and accidently seeing porn posted on forums (damn trolls) and pop-ups, to movie scenes (vague idea on what they were doing to each other though). Basically my parents could not give two shits about what I'm looking at (they're immigrants though so they have no idea what's going on in the media or how to use the internet that time). I was also the girl that made perverted jokes throughout middle school and high school. I always thought of sex as a way to reproduce during sex-ed though, not something to be enjoyed. They never told us sex is bad, but to take precautions by using birth control, etc.

Needless to say, I still don't give a crap about having sex. Sex sells...just not to me. ;) Take that media!!

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EmpatheticBadass

Thank you for this discerning thread. Identifying as asexual is new to me - I always blamed it on my upbringing and bad experiences of sex. It's just recently I began asking myself why people with similar upbringings seem to be able to enjoy a sex life anyway... Being gray-a, of course makes it a lot more complex to analyze, than if you're more on one of the black- or white poles of the (a)sexual scale.

Someone brought up epigenetics, and I've been thinking a lot about this too. Genes as constituting our unavoidable destiny seems to have played out it's role. It's incredibly fascinating how everything that happens to us, especially as young, determines which genes are switched off or on, and the multitudes of combinations that we own makes our bodies an ever ongoing adventure. For good and bad... :/ :)

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Yeah possibly , I think that about me ,

Because I was close to parents I didn't have any daddy/mommy issues so I didn't seek attention of others , do you get me? You know when people say she's got daddy issues or something , I don't have that ,

Secondly the fact that no boys have ever shown an interest in me because I was and am still very unpopular and quiet and wierd , so when I went through puberty i obviously didn't want to have sex with real life boys as they all hated me ,

Also I have never thought that my parents have sex , probaly not true but I've never heard anything so I've assumed that they don't ,

I also can't seem to connect sex with love , I hate it when people say wait for the right guy , but in reality id rather have sex with a male prostitute that lives far away with no personality , maby because I never talked to boys I never fell in love so when I got pubesent i asociated sex with the no personality male porn stars , and never saw it as love , that's just a few things that make me think .

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