Married, Asexual, feel like a criminal

[WoofPuppy]

Hello Good People!

I find myself in a disturbing situation and I'm looking for advice... maybe some of you have been in the same situation, or even if you haven't maybe you have a perspective on it.

I'm, 46 years old, married, and a father, My wife and I used to have sex, hence the child. Sex was do-able when we were first married. I wasn't really into it, but husbands are supposed to satisfy their wives and procreate, so that's what happened. I did have smattering of a sex drive when we first married, or maybe it was me finding her so very attractive mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically - really my soul mate, and the fact that we wanted a family, and that required sex, I'm not sure. But I did Initiate sex the first year, until we knew she was pregnant. After that I forgot about sex. In the literal sense, I don't think about it. We had the baby, so I guess my reason for sex went away. I still find her attractive, I just don't think about having sex with her.

Our daughter was born in early 2003. Since that time I've felt terrible. I love my wife, but it never occurs to me to have sex. It never occurs to me to have sex with anyone, period. I don't see good looking people and think, "Wow, I'd like to get in bed with that person!" Ever. But my wife, as it turns out, is very sexual, and that's why I feel like a criminal. I'm robbing her of something she finds very important. She tells me all the time how much she misses sex and I feel so guilty. It's not that I won't have sex with her, I will, I can perform even tho I really would rather not, but she makes it complicated. At least in my eyes she makes it complicated. Unless she complains to me that I never ask her for sex, which she does regularly, and I write myself a note to ask her at a later date for sex (to make it look it was my idea & spontaneous), it won't occur to me to initiate anything. She resents being the one to initiate. Instead of accepting the role on initiator & just coming on to me and saying, "Let's have sex," she says things to make me feel bad and guilty, that I'm depriving her of something very important because I never ask her. That's the major hurdle. There's other stuff but I'm new here and don't know what is and isn't TMI so I'll keep that to myself for the time being.

Other than marriage counseling, which I'm iffy about trying, I don't know what to do. Any ideas?

[Techie]

I am 52 and, I hate to say it, you are living my nightmare. I wish I could give you advice. While I only learned I was asexual last year, I always knew something was different about me and have never had a relationship, intimate or otherwise. I am certainly curious to see what others might advise as I am totally clueless myself and have never had to work through these issues.

[littlepersonparadox]

Can't say i was in your exact position. the closest i've got was My second bf and i broke up because they wanted sex and i didn't them: "Do you ever want kids/have sex" Me: " I Don't know we'll cross that bridge when we get there we're in 1st year collage and i just want to cuddle and watch firefly" So they dumped me by text and when i felt kinda bad saying " i wish it could have been different i just didn't see him that way" to another guy i was out to he responded "Don't feel bad you don't see ANYONE that way it's not your fault"

Her guilt tripping you isn't fair. I get that she has emotions about this and that she's probably having difficulty explaining. Like your haveig a communication barrier she probably is as well id imagine. Then again this is all hypothetical and from what i have noticed by watching other couples. I'm only in my 3rd relationship :P and 20. if she's having issues with this ask her why. (s sue having issues because in society a women who asks for a lot of sex considered "slutty" and she feels that she needs her desires for sex validated? or is this a issue of not feeling wanted? is there other ways you can show appreciation that she'd like? that's just a couple things off the top of my head I can't speak for your wife

None of this is either of your faults it's just kinda something that happened. You both fell in love and did what felt right at the time. now you need to talk things out and figure out if this is really something you can work through or i hate to say but possible break it off. first talk about alternatives. having said that there shouldn't be a you said you'd do this if i did this when i comes to sex.

Try finding boundaries together that can work for both of you. take time out to talk about preferences you have. Is there something you find extreamly pleasurable / remotely enjoyable durring sex? if so ask for it. there is no harm in asking and there is no harm in saying no or being rejected. If your comfortable having sex maybe do it on occasion when you feel that it's something you can do. Also let her know that being the initiator isn't wrong. Best of luck to both of you. is there kinks she likes? i know ace's can feel good and enjoy kicks without it feeling sexual. Also let her know there is nothing wrong with only one partner getting sex and the other only receiving it. Another thing too is she may also want to be able to express intimacy with you and want to show you how she feels and the best she could come up with is sex. Try to think of things that can be intimate for you and let her know what she can do for you.

[Guest]

Sounds like she wants to be wanted, not just wants sex. It could also be partially social conditioning - the man is supposed to be the aggressor and all. Discuss with her WHY she wants YOU to initiate. Discuss ways you could work out a compromise - she initiates some, you initiate some. Even if that means you have to set an alarm on your cell phone or something (which, I can't blame you, I would too.. I never think about it). Just don't go past your own comfort zone. :)

Also, I know you aren't so fond of counseling, but it could help with communicating. She shouldn't be putting the blame solely on you. It's an "us" problem, not a YOU problem.

[WoofPuppy]

She does want to be wanted, AVENator. I show it in other ways, but to her, the only ways that seem to count are long philosophical talks, kissing, and sex. Now that I analyze it more I'm not totally sure if it's that these are the only things that count, or if she focuses on what she wants that i don't do. She does occasionally thank me for the house husbandry things (I'm disabled and take care of the house & yard while she works), and every once in a while she says she appreciates that I don't drink, cheat, gamble or beat her (which seems odd to me), but it's several times a week that she complains about sex. When she does that, she usually says I must not find her attractive, or asks if I find her attractive. I tell her daily that I love her, I compliment how she looks a few days a week, but I don't think she believes me so she doesn't really hear it. Setting a reminder is a very good idea.

I do find the touching during sex very enjoyable, Ace of nerdy rambling. I've talked with her many many times about letting me 'get her off' (for lack of a better expression) with just touching, that i don't need or want anything in return, and she refuses to accept that. I don't understand why, but she says that sex without intercourse isn't sex and she doesn't want it any other way. From my perspective an orgasm is an orgasm, but from her perspective it matters very much how it all goes down. When we are together and I'm touching her and she starts to touch me, I take her hand away, so she knows I don't like it. She complains about it, but I tell her it bothers me, that I'm concentrating on her, I don't want to be touched. A lot would be solved if she would be comfortable being the initiator and let me do the touching without her insisting on me performing all out. I could be happy enough with that arrangement.

[Sally]

It sounds like the situation is that you two have different ideas of what the problem is. To you, the problem is that she expects you to like to be touched, but you don't, and if she insists on that, you're not going to enjoy sex. To her, the problem is that the act of sex isn't reciprocal, because it's not the same for both of you, and she wants you to enjoy what she needs you to enjoy. The cause of that is that you two are different, and there's really no solution to that difference.

However, if you talk very frankly about it, and both of you recognize that you're not going to change each other, you may be able to find a compromise. Part of the compromise is that neither of you complain to the other, but take responsibility for deciding what each of you are willing and not willing to do.

[cdrdash]

I was in a five year lesbian relationship with a very sexual lesbian. From almost day one of our relationship she would complain about me not initiating. I heard her request and I would promise myself I would initiate and then I would find myself not initiating. In the end I finally had to admit to her that I was asexual. I said I would have sex with her but she could tell I wasn't enjoying the sex and she did not enjoy sex with me when she knew I wasn't enjoying it. We tried briefly to come up with a way to compromise about this but in the end I realized that we were incompatible in so many other ways in this relationship that I broke it off. So I guess I never really got into how to compromise around sex.

I can relate to your feelings of guilt. I did feel a bit like the bad guy and the criminal for not having sex with her. I blamed myself for the failure of the relationship. But now five years since we broke up, I realize that neither of us were at fault or to blame. We both were being ourselves and in the end we were not compatible.

I do agree with Sally that you each have to state to each other how you feel as honestly as possible and understand that these are things that are probably not going to change and that neither of you is wrong or right for being/feeling this way. Once you hash out those feelings then you can work towards a compromise that hopefully will work for both of you.

[Spotastic]

I've been married for 7 years with a sexual woman. We were in a very similar situation to yours until we realized that I was asexual and things started to click into place. One of the big things I always recommend to people is to communicate openly about everything. We still participate in sexual activities, but we don't try for actual penetration anymore. That's the main part I'm not comfortable with. There are other things, but each person is different in what they are and aren't willing and interested in doing, and you'll have to figure that out for yourselves.

Most people seem to actually want a form of intimacy more than the actual sex, but sex is the only thing they know of that has that level of intimacy intrinsically linked to it. If you talk things over with your wife, you should be able to figure out what things work for the both of you.

As far as initiating goes, my wife now understands that I really don't think about it and that she'll pretty much always have to initiate. There really isn't any other way around it for us. I simply don't think about it, even if I do enjoy it. That's something your wife might have to come to terms with.

Also, something a lot of people on these forums seem to have a problem with when they're new is addressing others by their titles rather than their user name. I'm sure you would rather be called WoofPuppy than "Junior Member". ;) The user name is right above the title in the posts.

[WoofPuppy]

OMG!! I didn't realise I wasn't using the usernames! How terrible embarrassing. Please excuse my ignorance. I saw the words over the image and thought that was everyone's username. Thank you for setting that straight.

I wrote my wife a letter expressing how I feel about her, where I am (a)sexually, where I would like us to be intimately, what I'm comfortable doing, etc. I can't start off the discussion with her with an actual face-to-face discussion because she'll interject and I needed to get all my thoughts out uninterrupted. Now that I've done that. I'm waiting for her to read it, and hopefully something positive will come of it. I did put in the option for her to have a boyfriend...I've told her this before. I totally understand and would rather know if she felt the need to be with another man rather than her do it and hide it. It's a big feeling of relief that I've written the letter. I just hope she has a positive response.

[Spotastic]

Good luck with your letter. I have Asperger's and am very awkward in most social situations. I can talk about a lot more things with my wife, and am more comfortable doing so with her than anyone else, but writing things down does allow me to get everything in order much easier.

[WoofPuppy]

My wife had a very interesting reaction to the letter. She didn't believe that I was naturally asexual at all. I guess I couldn't blame her given my behaviour from when we were first married until we knew she was pregnant. She insisted it was a medical problem I was experiencing, a result of either the nerve damage in my back & legs or the medication I take. I didn't feel like arguing the case that my asexuality began before we married since she was seeming agreeable to my written proposal. The end result is that she finally accepted the situation, regardless of the cause, natural from my perspective or medical from hers. We ended up being intimate today, without her touching me for the first time. It was really enjoyable. I was able to do something for her that was within my comfort zone without being expected to have all out sex or being touched in return. It was the best intimate contact I've had in years!

I'm still surprised she went along with it, but I guess since she sees it as a medical condition she doesn't feel there's anything I can do about it. She was very clear that she didn't believe I could be naturally asexual since I had once been a sexual person. I told her I didn't understand it either. There were always many aspects of sex I was uncomfortable with and I never liked being touched on 85% of my body, ever, and the 15% I liked might not all be what you think. I guess as I got older the other 15% left the party. But admittedly I liked it to some degree, especially role play, but over time it changed. I'm not impotent, I look at some people and find them incredibly sexy, I like erotic art and movies (artsy, not slutty), and I like to touch my wife's body in a sensual way. I didn't experience anything that I can pinpoint as a cause of the change. It just happened fairly quickly (over a few years) and before I knew it, I was no longer sexual. And I don't even miss it. I only think about it when other people bring it up or a situation brings it up. I get horny for 5 seconds every 3 months, then it passes. I'm just glad I don't feel like the only one anymore. Or a freak. Or like I'm broken and need fixing. That's a huge relief!

[Spotastic]

I'm glad things went well for you, even if she doesn't understand that not everything is black and white and there are gray areas, even in sexuality. It's a subject that most people don't really think about past basic responses. There really is an entire sexuality spectrum that everyone fits somewhere along, and it's not always a straight line. People are a lot more varied than that. And I think that's awesome.

[Autumn Sunrise]

WoofPuppy and Spotastic, life can be so tough at times, but I think you guys are both awesome I hope things just get better and better for you!

[chandra68]

iam in exact same position as u! comign from a very conservative culture in a country where even t,alking about sex is taboo i thought i was a late bloomer. felt on e i got married id change but it never did. i feel very guilty as iam married and my husband is sexual. we make love but iam unable to consummat the sexyual relationship even now. but we love each other. alot... i considered leavign him so he could marry again but he doesnt want to. i cannot take thhis scarifice.. coz i know hes miserable without sex in his life and wanted to have children. its a terrible situation to be in:(

[Contrarian Expatriate]

Happy to learn things are looking up.

In general, people in these situations should consider three choices:

-Stay married and permit the sexual spouse to seek sexual activity outside the marriage.

-Stay married and work out an "intimacy" compromise that both can live with (ie. sex once a month).

-Separate or divorce so the sexual spouse can pursue someone more compatible.

All of these options can and should be pursued amicably and with the best interests of both parties in mind. Professional guidance is recommended if it gets too difficult to resolve among the two parties.

[WoofPuppy]

iam in exact same position as u! comign from a very conservative culture in a country where even t,alking about sex is taboo i thought i was a late bloomer. felt on e i got married id change but it never did. i feel very guilty as iam married and my husband is sexual. we make love but iam unable to consummat the sexyual relationship even now. but we love each other. alot... i considered leavign him so he could marry again but he doesnt want to. i cannot take thhis scarifice.. coz i know hes miserable without sex in his life and wanted to have children. its a terrible situation to be in:(

I'm sad to hear you're in the difficult place, Chandra. Having been there until just very recently I empathise. Even though it's taboo to speak of sex in your culture, is it taboo to talk about it between husband and wife? Maybe there are things you can do that would satisfy him that are within your comfort zone if you just talk it out openly and plainly. If not, are you OK with him taking a woman on the side instead of leaving him? Some asexual people are in polyamorous relationships and that lets the sexual partners get what they need sexually and everyone can still get what they need emotionally.

Thank you, BLACE. In the letter to my wife I gave her to option to get a boyfriend. I've given her the option in the past as well. She does not want to do that. We also love each other very much and are happy with our family life and don't want to break it up, so we're not going to divorce. I'm a sensual person when enticed even though I'm not a sexual person, so that gave us room to come up with intimate play that made us both happy. Since I don't think about sex she has to initiate and she agreed to do that without getting mad or thinking I'm not initiating because I think she's unattractive, etc. I don't mind touching her intimately as long as I'm not being touched back or expected to climax, and although she didn't like the idea of not doing anything beyond stroking my chest, she accepted it. I do caressing & touching on her and I make sure she climaxes. I left it open that I would have all out sex once or twice a year, maybe for her birthday and our anniversary. It's a compromise on both our parts that is going to keep us together and has gotten rid of most of the tension I was feeling regarding our marriage.

[Igzat]

I thought it was actually really common for one or both people to just kind of lose interest after having a child (or children... whenever you feel like you're "done".) It's great that it worked out for you two.

You could try surprising her by initiating sometimes. Throw a dart at the calendar or something so you know when the time is right.

[ByTheTracks]

Sounds like she wants to be wanted, not just wants sex. It could also be partially social conditioning - the man is supposed to be the aggressor and all. Discuss with her WHY she wants YOU to initiate. Discuss ways you could work out a compromise - she initiates some, you initiate some. Even if that means you have to set an alarm on your cell phone or something (which, I can't blame you, I would too.. I never think about it). Just don't go past your own comfort zone. :)

Also, I know you aren't so fond of counseling, but it could help with communicating. She shouldn't be putting the blame solely on you. It's an "us" problem, not a YOU problem.

I can tell you in my marriage, that's exactly what it was -- she wanted to be wanted, sexually. Her past experiences told her all men are horndogs, and therefore, the fact that I could pretty much take or leave sex threw her for a loop. She had no other place to go in her head other than that I didn't find her attractive, which wasn't true.

As for the whole "well, you had sex in the past with me, what happened," I know that in order to exist in any relationship with someone when I was in my 20's and 30's, I had to make this herculean effort to try to be like everyone else. That meant trying to be gregarious, flirty, even sexual. I figured I either had to push myself way out of my comfort zone, or I'd be alone the rest of my life. My wife pursued me. I've always felt quite a bit of guilt about that, like I pulled a bait and switch on her. But she understands me more now and we are living asexually -- partly due to her affair. It's tough learning more about yourself later in life.

I'm glad you found a place you both could be comfortable from.

[albw51]

I am SO glad I found this topic and read these posts.

I am the wife who thought my husband didn't desire me because he never initiated sex, due to his own sexual proclivities to which I was somewhat unaware. I am also that person who discovered that I am asexual myself and, like By The Tracks, I made a huge effort to give to men what I thought they wanted, even when I didn't want it myself. It was something we were taught that girls are supposed to do to make men happy. Never mind that it didn't make me happy!

I am now married and have very little desire for sex. I'm tired of headlines and news stories about how this isn't 'natural' at my age and perhaps I should dose myself with hormones to begin enjoying sex again, but I've realised that I've never really enjoyed sex. I like romance and occasional touching, kissing, and flirting, but I can leave the rest alone. Intercourse has not been enjoyable except on very rare occasions in my life. But now, like WoofPuppy, I rarely think about sex. I find other things far more interesting with much less emotional or physical effort.

Thank you all for sharing your stories.

[WoofPuppy]

Things have taken steps forwards and backwards since my last post so... here's what's happened:

My wife agreed with my idea that it would be good for her to get a boyfriend. She set her sights on an old flame who never married. This man wanted to marry her at one time, and she thought he would be cool with a poly situation since he also knows me and our daughter. They talked about it for... I guess two weeks, and he decided he couldn't handle the circumstances. It was crushing to her for a variety of reasons and I had to deal with the fallout from that. She's put getting a boyfriend on hold for the time being.

Since she's still convinced my asexuality is a medical condition, I agreed to talk to my doctors and go off a medication that is known to impair sexual function. It did clear up the pain I was having, but it did not magically turn me sexual. We have been distracted from the issue over the last 6 weeks by buying a new home and being kicked out of the old one. It's pretty much occupied all our free time. Before that, I made it a point to be more attentive, more complimentary, touchy-feely, and initiate some sensual touch sessions. That made her happ-ier, but not happy. I honestly believe nothing short of a return to how things were during our first year of marriage would make her happy so I've given up on the notion that she will ever be satisfied.

I bought, on the advice of friends, a book and workbook to take the place of marriage counseling since I was unwilling to go. We plan to start that next week, once we've had a little more time to settle in to the new house. I'm a little leery of starting it because she hasn't bugged me about sex in weeks, and once we begin it's going to be in the forefront of her mind. Other than sex, we've been getting along really really well, so I think that makes not having sex easier. When we're being argumentative, she brings it up a lot. So hopefully this home course will help us communicate and iron-out this issue. Like I said, I don't think she'll be satisfied, but we may reach a place where we're comfortable enough that it's not dragged out and used to make people feel like crap.

[Autumn Sunrise]

Thanks for the update, WoofPuppy. I'm glad to hear you're settling into your new home , and I hope the counselling workbook helps you both to be more comfortable with your situation. Good luck :)

[DesmondPotts]

WoofPuppy, - As a man about to turn 40, I have a wife with similar needs. My desire to not have sex is based on a little different reasons than yours, but the situation is very similar.

Wife is very sexual, and despite turning down the very same idea you suggested (Getting a BF) she was hell bent on thinking my lack of desire to have sex is medical. I've been extremely open with her stating things like - 1) I'm not sexually attracted to her or anyone for that matter {This is a hard thing to hear so it needs to approached very tactfully} 2) I pretty much only masturbate to fall asleep, which is highly offensive to her. She wants to participate, but it doesn't work that way. 3) No don't need to spice up our sex life with another woman in the mix.

She tried very hard, very persistent, and for at least 5-7 years all sex for me has been out of obligation or guilt. I can tell you no marriage councilor will really quiet understand, not at least the two in my area. Because the first thing they'll do is suggest testosterone supplement or injections. Which are fine if you want to have a boost of energy, but it actually did nothing for me sexually. She claimed we had sex twice in a week instead of once in 4 months which is HUGE. However, it was because I felt I had to not because I wanted to.

The second shot I literally didn't have sex at all, because I wanted to know if this really is the issue. Not a single sexual thought crossed my mind, and my wife tried...

I've come to the conclusion for this particular situation in which sex is demanded by the wife to look at it like a compromise. I said "We can have sex, but don't get offended if I just get up and have a shower, and watch TV right after.." she hates that, she wants to feel wanted more, but I just lack the capacity to do it without feeling put out or didn't enjoy it at all. This lead to the use of toys more. Now I just use a vibrator on her until she orgasms. This kind of fills both my need to just get it over with, without the guilt, and lack of showing after. And it makes her feel wanted as at least your participating in her pleasure.

It's a cold view, but I know exactly what you're going through, this helped my marriage, and now I only need to engage in sex very rarely. You can also connect on a different level by going sex toy shopping with her, another activity which is "together" and "personal"..

[ranch varment]

Its amazing reading about you! I am highly sexual, but I hate the fact, and im trying to rid myself of it, but my penis is uncontrollable.

Its good to hear about a man who needent do the sexual act! I was born in hatred of it, I felt like a piece of vermin, when I did it.

But it will be controlled

even if I have to cut it off.

(trigger warning)

[WoofPuppy]

Hmm, well I hope you don't have to go to that extreme, ranch varment!

DesmondPotts, Toys are something that has come up for us, but not for me to use on her, she brought it up as something to use on me. I have mentioned toys for use on her in the past, and she rejected the notion every time. She's very specific about what she wants. She feels if she wants a toy, she can operate it herself. What she wants from me, is me.

Just with life in general she's used to getting her way and it really frustrates her that she can't get her way with sex. I rarely tell her no when she really really wants something, especially if she makes a fuss about it, especially if it's important to her, and this has crushed her ego. I feel bad about that, but this is one time I'm just not going to sacrifice. I put myself on the line for her all the time fulfilling her wants and whims at the expense of my emotional, psychological and physical health, and if that doesn't show that I love her I really don't know what will. It's a matter of what we value and how we communicate love. We both took a survey and 'acts of service' ranked highest for me as showing love, whereas it was in the middle for her.

[gothic dandy]

WOOFPUPPY YOU ARE ME EXACTLY. WOWWW. I am so happy that I'm not alone! All the way down to spouse feeling unloved, to the unwanted touching, just wow. I'm sorry you went through that, but I'm happy that you're still working through it and still together! I am also an "acts of service" type of lover, whereas my partner is more sensual.

I couldn't deal with all the unwanted touching, particularly when an explicit "no" multiple times wasn't enough, just wow. Do you know what that does to a person's sense of personal power? So now we aren't having sex, but we are in marriage counseling. It isn't that great, because she was supposed to be helping us get through my gender transition and she doesn't even believe I'm transgender. But having a third party analyze us has sort of given us new perspectives and new things to talk about regarding other aspects of our relationship, including the sexual aspect.

She recommended a book to us and I can't remember if it's called "Getting the Love You Want" or "Getting the Sex You Want". I think both exist. Maybe you could check them out?

We also decided to have an open relationship, because I know how I am and I can't force myself to WANT sex, but I felt bad always keeping that thing he desired from him. I told him that I think there's a lovely, feminine, sexual lady out there for him and he's like "No, I just want you ;_; "

[infinategrey]

This is my first post but I couldnt pass this up. This is me also. My girlf friend is VERY sexually driven. She has the labido of a college jock. Its insane. Which obviously is a problem for me. Now, im a very logical person and gifted (or cursed) with an almost superhuman sense of empathy. Sometimes I have an easier time seeing a scenario from the other persons point of view than my own. But I digress... being the logical person I am and understanding her side of the relationship, I realized a comprimise had to take place to continue. So I told her, her drive was just too much. That I couldnt do it that much. (I never told her I was asexual. Because until 2 days ago I didnt know that was even a thing)

So as a solution, and this may not be possible for some of you, I started watching a lot of porn to study what I felt like i was SUPPOSED to be like and started asking her about her fantasies and what she wanted. After much research, ive found that im able to "fake" my way through the sexual part of our relationship well enough to give her the sense of being wanted that she needs. And with that ive been able to ween her off of so much sex down to a level that is tolerable for both of us.

The only part that has always been difficult for me is hiding the feeling of disgust with myself I always get right afterwards. Sometimes Ihave to "go to the bathroom" or something to take a breath and gather myself.

But anyway, that was my solution to this problem and it has worked well for me. It might not be the solution for everybody.

[WoofPuppy]

So as a solution, and this may not be possible for some of you, I started watching a lot of porn to study what I felt like i was SUPPOSED to be like and started asking her about her fantasies and what she wanted. After much research, ive found that im able to "fake" my way through the sexual part of our relationship well enough to give her the sense of being wanted that she needs. And with that ive been able to ween her off of so much sex down to a level that is tolerable for both of us.

Well that's interesting. I always thought porn was more oriented towards what men wanted and men's fantasies. After watching that, when you asked her about her fantasies and what she wanted, was it anything like what was on the porn? I'm not asking for details, just yes it was like porn or no it wasn't. My wife likes gay male porn so unless we partner up her porn fantasies will have to stay in her head.

And when you said you weaned her down, do you mean you shorten the length of intimate sessions by targeting specific fantasies quickly? I'm not totally sure I followed that.

[Guest]

It sounds almost like after the birth of your kid, her sex drive came back but yours didn't (and that is a known phenomenon that some men will lose interest in sex once they have a child- and as far as I know, it's not generally something that can be "fixed" medically)

It's pretty easy to have (and even enjoy) sex as an asexual if you have a sex drive.

She probably likes gay porn because she doesn't like to see other women / prefers to see male pleasure. This might explain part of why she wishes you would initiate more- she enjoys seeing you enjoy sex.

If you can enjoy watching her pleasure, maybe try presenting sex in that light.

You might also ask her to engage more in non-sexual contact that you enjoy.

And if you know she's complaining about sex a few times a week, maybe anticipate that and initiate /before/ she complains. this would show that she is heard, and she doesn't have to continually beg to be taken care of.

you should also, if you haven't, ask her what she wants your sex life to look like. What would be her ideal? Then search for a solid middle ground you can both be comfortable with.

[sparkle_musique]

I have been there, the only difference is I did not know I was asexual when I was married. I felt bad but I did not know what to do. We are no longer married but it would have been to have a person like your wife that is willing to work with you rather than leave you.