Wondering Where to go from Here

[Evenz]

(Apologies if this is in the wrong forum)

So it took a small post on Asexuality to make a journey to this forum and post here. I felt maybe here I could find answers to some problems I've had for a long time now. Or at least express the odd things I noticed but never really understood until now.

So I've always thought I was a pretty normal heterosexual girl. I liked guys. I had crushes on guys. I fantasized about them and could get sexually aroused thinking about it. In my head, things worked the way other people seemed to work. Normal.

But when it came to the actual confrontation- even knowing and anticipating meeting someone- everything just suddenly goes...cold. The heated feelings I would think about suddenly disappear. The anticipation of that electric sizzle under their touch becomes nothing more than a lifeless graze against my skin. The kiss I would always think about that would make me blush just feels like licking a wet sponge. All the life and excitement is just replaced with a deadening sense of obligation to follow through what's already been started. Its not that my fantasies are so detached from reality that the person I imagined as a studmuffin had suddenly turned into a pancake- they were, before my eyes, still as studly as I desired them, and I wanted to express my love for them as much as I could. But that drive just always seems absent when it actually comes down to it.

Its what made me believe for a long time now that everyone else was so hypersexual- that this over-emphasis of sex in our lives was from a lack of perspective from people who can't find more fulfilling avenues to turn their attention to. It slowly began to dawn on me, as I've shared my life with a man who has allowed me to feel comfortable with myself and has allowed me to love freely without fear of judgment, that perhaps the reasons why I've had such an unsettling lack of sexual desire for anyone- especially this man who has unselfishly given himself to me anytime, any way he could- was perhaps not due to some past trauma that could resolve itself with the right time, therapy and person, but because it was what has been inherently programmed in me this whole time.

And to be honest, this realization wasn't comforting. I cried. I was upset. Like a lot of people, I felt like something inside me is broken. I'm a person that values love in all its expressions, but cannot perform this one expression of love that everyone else values the most. Like I've failed the one person that meant the most to me.

So I'm trying to come to terms with this reality. I don't know how I should handle this with my partner - our relationship has no problems whatsoever save for the fact that he is quite a bit more sexually active, and while I don't mind indulging him, I do feel like I'm not meeting this side of his needs the way he needs me to. Its not a deal-breaker- its just upsetting that I can apparently be sexually active in every other instance besides with an actual person.

[damage_case]

1. If hes committed to you, you should appreciate yourself and feel good about yourself. You have the qualities that you can fulfill his expectations even minus a sexual encounter.

2. If you think you have a low sexual desire to perform in reality, then dont. Life is too long and miserable to screw with your nerves over it. And even if you want to do it for your partner, feel good about it. Dont make it a punishment for yourself. If hes understanding (and Im sure he is), then he'll not let you go through that ordeal.

[imgone]

Hi, welcome to AVEN! :)

First of all, I'd like to say that if these things are distressing you, you are still welcome to seek therapy? A lot of doctors aren't aware of asexuality, though, so they might not acknowledge that possibility as you have, or be able to help you come to terms with it. With people who are sexual and suddenly feel asexual, a medical examination is usually recommended, but obviously this is kind of a different...? It sounds like some sort of mental disparity, like you feel sexual in theory but not in practice? (Correct me if I'm wrong!)

Here in the asexual community we use the word "sex-repulsed" to describe people who are seriously averse to sex, which sounds kind of like what you described except sex-repulsed individuals are usually repulsed at a mental level, as well...? Lots of asexuals also experience libido (horniness) and arousal, but it sounds as though you feel sexual attraction, as well... At least in your head.

Yours is truly a curious case. But the asexual community is always open to you if you find it helpful, and you're welcome to wear the label, as well.

(P.S. Don't feel guilty! Talk about this with your partner and figure out whatever is going to work. If he makes you feel guilty, you don't deserve it.)

[Evenz]

Thanks ak_fun and brotatofarm (that name is kickass btw).

It is really confusing for me, because I feel sexual in every other instance, but the moment I actually have to do it with anyone else its suddenly different. I wouldn't say like it feels like a chore, but that's how most of it ends up being. And I wouldn't say its just me doing most of the work, because even on the receiving end I can't bring myself to feel anything, which is where I started to feel something was wrong. And yes its as you described, being sexual in theory but not in practice, to the point where which even saying asexual is a bit awkward. Its not a thing that happened once and doesn't anymore- its always been like this from my first partner and everyone in between up to now. I did play around with the idea of being 'sex-repulsed' though I can only think its on a subconscious level. I don't have an aversion to sex- I just don't feel anything at all when doing it. There is another instance I read of autochorissexualism where I think I may be closer to, where people still experience sexual desire separate from actually wanting to perform it themselves.

Either way, thank you for your input. I feel I could deal with it better if I had a better understanding of what was wrong. My hormones have never had much wrong with them, so I suppose some counseling might help.