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I am so confused. :(


harleyquinns

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Okay, so sexuality is literally one of the most confusing things in the world.

I'm 21 years old and have never had sex or even a relationship, but as I've gotten older I've found that neither of those things really interest me. I've looked at people and thought that they are attractive looking, but I know that if the opportunity arose I wouldn't want to have sex with them. I've kissed a few people (mostly while drunk) but generally after just felt guilty or kinda grossed out by it all. Sometimes I think I might want to be in a relationship with someone, but again I feel like if the opportunity arose I probably wouldn't be all that interested. I just feel so confused and actually a little bit weird compared to everyone else I know! Am I going nuts or something?

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What you say makes sense. It's possible to find someone aesthetically attractive, without finding them sexually attractive, let alone want sex with them. Not everyone finds kissing enjoyable, and some people find it repulsive. Do you feel like you desire to be in a relationship, but something is holding you back from acting on it, or does it have more to do with societal expectations of finding a relationship?

The desire for romantic relationships, or romantic attraction, is different from sexual attraction. You can find more information on romantic attraction, including the lack of it, in the Romantic and Aromantic orientations board: http://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/90-romantic-and-aromantic-orientations/

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You guys are great, thank you for replying.

I don't really desire to be in a relationship. Sometimes I think I want one, but then I question if it's just because other people are in relationships/that's what's 'expected' of someone my age. To be honest, I'm happy on my own most of the time.

I think I'm just finding it difficult to accept at the moment that I don't want what the 'majority' wants. I'm worried about becoming an outcast to my friends and I'm really worried about telling my family, because I don't think they'll understand or they'll call it a phase I'm going through.

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CosmicSpaceAce

Hi! (:

A lot of what you say resonates with me, particularly that you seem to feel odd or outcast around your friends and family. One thing I would say in regards to telling your family is that you don't necessarily have to! At least not for the moment while you're still trying to find yourself. Your relationships are just that, yours. Particularly in regards to sex; it's pretty private stuff. There may come a time when you feel you want to tell the people around you more about this stuff, but don't feel obligated to explain it to them just yet. Also, remember that you're not alone. Plenty of people feel the same as you do, and hopefully you'll find a lot of support here. ^_^

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Aisntllecxtual

Although I have had sex multiple times, have kissed only while sober, am married, and nearly two generations removed from you, I can totally relate to your feelings. If you are going nuts, then I am going nuts, but I know I am not and I am sure you are not. I simply have a different nature from the vast majority. There is no right, there is no wrong, it just is. I hope AVEN will help you along your inquiring path in searching essence, discover, enjoy. :)

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Okay, so sexuality is literally one of the most confusing things in the world.

Y

I'm 21 years old and have never had sex or even a relationship, but as I've gotten older I've found that neither of those things really interest me. I've looked at people and thought that they are attractive looking, but I know that if the opportunity arose I wouldn't want to have sex with them. I've kissed a few people (mostly while drunk) but generally after just felt guilty or kinda grossed out by it all. Sometimes I think I might want to be in a relationship with someone, but again I feel like if the opportunity arose I probably wouldn't be all that interested. I just feel so confused and actually a little bit weird compared to everyone else I know! Am I going nuts or something?

Hi welcome here we can understand u!!

**

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

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Breathing....

Can't definitely say not nuts.... But only cos I'm still in the 'phase of understanding and learning' and have moments of "maybe it's just cos I've lost it". I'm pretty sure I havent, but it's the first time in a long time I feel that.

I'm only a couple years older than you and like you I've never been in a relationship, unlike you I've never even kissed someone. But I always 'wanted' a relationship, now I'm beginning to realise that a lot of this stems from societal norm....'everybody else has one' and it's such a big part of their lives, I feel like I'm missing out on some giant milestone. Part of it is also a long held desire to marry and have children (still trying to figure out how I can viably manage that). :/ :)

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I don't think you're weird at all, well maybe the majority of the population would, but look at how weird they are. ^_^

I find a very small percent of people attractive. I often think this means I want to have sex with someone when I do, but once we're in the middle of it I realize that was a false assumption. Nothing more awkward than going through the motions while your mind is everywhere else but on what you're doing. I have never had a romantic relationship where it felt like a good idea. It seems great at first, but you know the sex is coming. It's an expectation you can't avoid. It's made me have anxiety in what would otherwise be a perfect relationship. I would strongly advise you to not bother with any of it unless you some kind of overwhelming urge to, or meet someone who can operate the same way you do.

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lightedbranches

Hi! (:

A lot of what you say resonates with me, particularly that you seem to feel odd or outcast around your friends and family. One thing I would say in regards to telling your family is that you don't necessarily have to! At least not for the moment while you're still trying to find yourself. Your relationships are just that, yours. Particularly in regards to sex; it's pretty private stuff. There may come a time when you feel you want to tell the people around you more about this stuff, but don't feel obligated to explain it to them just yet. Also, remember that you're not alone. Plenty of people feel the same as you do, and hopefully you'll find a lot of support here. ^_^

I'm new to this idea and have only been exploring it for a few days. But so far, I identify with it, and I have no urge to "come out" to anyone. Nobody would really know the difference, except my husband, who knows about my curiosity on the matter. I think what's different about asexuality is that nobody besides your partner(s) will ever witness it. Basically, what I'm saying is, don't worry about what your friends and family think because 1) it's none of their business and 2) they don't have to know about it if you choose not to tell them.

I struggled with the question of "is this going to be forever or just in this phase in my life?" I saw this on the General FAQ. It helped me accept the idea that it might be a phase:

There's no shame in identifying as one thing and then later identifying as another. Your identity isn't meant to limit you. If you've moved on or changed, then by all means describe yourself differently. If you fear you might be different in the future, that doesn't change which label is most useful to you in the present. There's nothing wrong with change.
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CosmicSpaceAce

Hi! (:

A lot of what you say resonates with me, particularly that you seem to feel odd or outcast around your friends and family. One thing I would say in regards to telling your family is that you don't necessarily have to! At least not for the moment while you're still trying to find yourself. Your relationships are just that, yours. Particularly in regards to sex; it's pretty private stuff. There may come a time when you feel you want to tell the people around you more about this stuff, but don't feel obligated to explain it to them just yet. Also, remember that you're not alone. Plenty of people feel the same as you do, and hopefully you'll find a lot of support here. ^_^

I'm new to this idea and have only been exploring it for a few days. But so far, I identify with it, and I have no urge to "come out" to anyone. Nobody would really know the difference, except my husband, who knows about my curiosity on the matter. I think what's different about asexuality is that nobody besides your partner(s) will ever witness it. Basically, what I'm saying is, don't worry about what your friends and family think because 1) it's none of their business and 2) they don't have to know about it if you choose not to tell them.

I struggled with the question of "is this going to be forever or just in this phase in my life?" I saw this on the General FAQ. It helped me accept the idea that it might be a phase:

There's no shame in identifying as one thing and then later identifying as another. Your identity isn't meant to limit you. If you've moved on or changed, then by all means describe yourself differently. If you fear you might be different in the future, that doesn't change which label is most useful to you in the present. There's nothing wrong with change.

I think a lot of it has to do with where people are in life and their age. Especially if you're still pretty young, everyone seems to be talking about sex and topics of a sexual nature/people they find sexually attractive and it can feel alienating if you can't take part, and if your friends don't know you're ace they start wondering why you aren't and it can become awkward. The same is obviously true if you're someone who is dating; at some point you're going to have to tell the other person about your preferences.

I guess if you have a long-term partner who is aware of your preferences/curiosity it's a good place to be, since it's really between you are your partner, but it depends on the situation. I think I may end up telling some people who are close to me about my asexuality, and not others, and I definitely agree with you that it's no one else's business.

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Okay, so sexuality is literally one of the most confusing things in the world.

I'm 21 years old and have never had sex or even a relationship, but as I've gotten older I've found that neither of those things really interest me. I've looked at people and thought that they are attractive looking, but I know that if the opportunity arose I wouldn't want to have sex with them. I've kissed a few people (mostly while drunk) but generally after just felt guilty or kinda grossed out by it all. Sometimes I think I might want to be in a relationship with someone, but again I feel like if the opportunity arose I probably wouldn't be all that interested. I just feel so confused and actually a little bit weird compared to everyone else I know! Am I going nuts or something?

You are not going nuts what you wrote here resonates with me and a lot of other people here, so you are in good company, and you are definitely normal.

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