Very scared, questioning dfab

[aromatic]

I don't know if I'm trans. I don't know if I identify with my assigned female gender. I don't know if I want to be a man or how to deal with any of these feelings.

Let's start it from the top. When I was younger, I was a major 'tomboy', and no one really had a problem with this. I tried to pee standing up like my brother many times, I cried when I got excluded from 'boy things' (one sharp memory is my grandmother making me sit on the porch with her while we watched all of my male cousins shovel gravel into the driveway. I really wanted to shovel that gravel...), I ran around shirtless until my parents eventually became very, very strict with my clothing policy as I got older, and I begged to get my hair cut shorter (as it was halfway down my back).

Speaking of haircuts, the first time I got my haircut stands out in my mind and leads to much confusion today. My mom fought me for a good year or two about getting my hair cut off, as she was very enamored with it. My dad, for one of the first times in my memory (probably because it is a strong one) was on my side with the statement of 'It's just hair, she'll always be Ellis* regardless of her hair length'. (*birth name was used, and actually, is still used because I'm not requesting anything different until I know how I feel for sure) This situation brings quite a bit of confusion because, as I have gotten older and taken on more of a 'queer aesthetic', if you will, I feel less and less comfortable around my dad. We get along great, we're two peas in a pod when it comes to personality type and sense of humor. I just don't feel like he's very accepting of other queer folk. I'm not out as queer-anything to anyone but my mom and a few select friends, and I really wish I could be. I wish I felt comfortable with the people surrounding me enough to be honest. I think my relationship with my dad is what is straining me so. I worry about ruining such a great relationship and making things weird. Out of all of my family, I fear losing him the most. If I were to come out and have all of my family ostracize me (which has kind of already happened, because my extended family all assumes I'm a lesbian) it wouldn't be a big deal unless my dad followed suit. It would absolutely kill me.

There's a whole big gloop of things regarding my questioning gender identity. I sometimes ponder that if I were to be in a new city and not know anyone, would I be comfortable if everyone knew me as a man? Answer is: yes. Do I feel like it is ever a possibility? No. Because eventually, I will have to come back to my family. I can't just abandon them all. I also can't face them with trans issues and become the 'special snowflake'. Especially if I don't fit their definition of man, which would be a gun-toting mechanic tough guy. I'm 5'2". I'm extremely busty and curvy. No matter how much I work out, I have slightly less comical proportions than Nicki Minaj. There is no way I will ever be able to pass as a man. If I were to transition, I would want to be taken seriously and not be a laughing stock short guy with a thin waist, baby face, and feminine hips.

I don't have a problem being slightly feminine, occasionally I'll use make up to cover blemishes or maybe some clear nail polish because it makes me feel slightly more put together. I just hate when people percieve me as a girl. I hate the way women are treated. I don't want to be someone's doll or the 'hahaha token tough dyke'. I also don't like a majority of male expectations. I like when people are nice to me, and I see I usually get treated better than male members of my family whilst in public, but only if I look super femme. (which is usually during family gatherings and holidays and what not)

I kind of feel like as I've gotten older, my stress about this comes from other people. I dressed in boy clothes when I was younger (we were poor and I had an older brother... handmedowns.) and was admant that I was a boy. No one bothered me. They let me be me, to a point. Once I reached about 8-9 years old, my life changed. People started expecting me to be more feminine. Pressure. I went through puberty. The changes were and still are traumatic. (I've never been to a gynecologist because I'm ashamed and terrified, even though I'm plenty old enough. I feel like I would spend the entire time in tears. It feels like I'd be paying to get raped.) As people pressured me to be more feminine, I tried to conform for awhile. When I reached highschool, I started becoming more androgynous. I went to prom with my friends my senior year, and my mom made me wear a dress because she wanted a 'pretty prom girl', which hurt. While getting dressed for prom, I couldn't bind. I wore a bra for the first time in forever and actually spontaneously burst into tears when my arm brushed my breast. When I got to prom, I felt like I was playing dress up and was being theatrical. An aquaintance of mine commented that my dress made my 'boobs look HUGE', which was like being stabbed, but I tried to not let it show. Prom was terrible. :)

I kind of wish I could go back to the simplicity of childhood, when no one questioned why I wanted the Star Wars snow boots or a lego set. When I could just be me.

It all intersects with my asexuality. I sometimes question this. I wonder that if I were to be able to fully be my queer gendered self, be it ftm, agender, andro, what have you, would I be sexual? Is asexuality a temporary thing for me, fueled by feelings of inadequacy and body dysphoria? Is it because I am so uncomfortable with my body I wouldn't be able to bear having anyone else look at it? When I imagine myself as a man, it is always as either an asexual man or a gay man. It is all a rollercoaster ride of confusion and frustration.

In truth, I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm worried that if I were to figure my stuff out and then come out to live happily that my entire life would be ruined. I fear I would lose my family, my job, and my sports teams. I would be kicked off for no longer being female bodied, in which case it would be so awkward for me I couldn't possibly stick around.

I just want to be comfortable.

This doesn't really scratch the surface, but it is getting late and I have to go to work tomorrow. If anyone could give any input or advice, I would greatly appreciate it. I've never vented like this about this kind of stuff, ever. It kind of feels nice.

I'm sorry if it was a long read and I understand if no one reads it in full. It is also very dramatic, but that happens around my period (because I become more sensitive about my body shape and therefore become craaaaanky)

-Ellis

[Dirge]

It may be a bit trite, but I am going to insert one of my favourite quotes here:

'Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong.'

I am in a situation somewhat similar to yours, and my advice would be to focus on what is going to make you happy. What will make you comfortable in your own skin, what will make you feel strong and genuine.

You may lose people. It will almost certainly hurt like hell at times, but it is so incredibly worthwhile. To wake up in the morning and know that you are on your side. That you are actively working toward your best, truest self. No longer the keeper of your own prison, but a free agent, fighting for the brightest future you can imagine.

If you ever feel the need to talk/vent more on this subject, you can feel free to PM me at any time.

Signed,

Someone who will be paying their second visit to the nearest trans health clinic in the morning. Someone who was condemned as being against God by half of their extended family. Someone who would never trade the experience or the liberty it has brought.

[Amokima]

I'm in a similar situation. I am a major tomboy. I've always been a major tomboy. I don't understand most females & most female related things. I 'get' guys alot better. I get along with guys better than most girls. I've always wished I was born a male. I don't like having a female body. Especially the boobs. Oh, god, I wish I was flat. I find them annoying and in the way.

I will only wear pants or shorts, never skirts or dresses. Since I was 13 there has only been 3 situations where I worn a skirt or dress: as my sisters bridesmade, my netball uniform and for one of my jobs it was compulsary to wear a skirt at certain times. Even though I absolutely adored that job, I almost didn't take it because of that dress requirement. There has been a few jobs that I just refused to apply for purely for that same reason. I don't wear girly clothes & I always get guy hair cuts. I absolutly loathe makeup.

I dislike most things girls love & love things boys like. Especially now when we're a bit older. I can't go out with a group of girls only friends because I most of the time I get bored to tears & just sit at the edge of the group wishing I was anywhere but there.

I am 35 years old and my mum keeps telling me it's time for me to grow up. I need to start dressing if not like a girly-girl, then definitely more feminine. I need to go out & do things with female friends. Yada, yada, yada... I'm fed up with it.

I wish I was a guy, but I seriously doubt I'd ever get a sex change. I just can't be bothered. I sometimes contemplate having an operation to get my boobs removed. It's insane, but sometime I idly fantisize about getting breast cancer so I have a legitimate reason for getting my boobs removed.

[Non-Verbal Sam]

I'm Pre everything and still confused about my gender

i haven't even got an appointment to talk about it, i can't bind due to asthma and i stuggle with my chest.

i spent 4 years in a class with only cis boys, i was lied too about my autism, i was discouraged from a lot of things.

its hard but the fact that i'm alive is proof that it does get better.

somethings to remember:

• gender is has nothing to do with parts
• gender expression means wearing what you want regardless of gender
• its okay to not really know your gender yet (if you do thats great and i'm jealous of you)
• your feelings and identity are valid, none knows what its like in your head so they can't really judge

if you need to leave your family to be accepted then leave, you should fight for yourself and who you are, but please stay safe.

it will get better if you fight for it.

[Zapstileon]

I was a tomboy all my life. Until I was around 15 and realised that something else was expected of me. I tried desperately to conform to the gender role of being a female. Seriously, if you look at pictures of me the past four years, you'd never guess that within those feminine clothes, I was actually fighting extreme embarrassment. It was the most prominent discomfort ever, the embarrassment of how my body looked in those clothes. I've actually never been so comfortable as I am when I hide those features.

I know the fear you feel. I posted a very similar post a little over a month ago, feeling all panicky because I was having this feeling of being trans and I was terrified of what that meant, and you know what, people were so helpful, so encouraging. I'm still worried, but it's different. I'm worried that I might not afford transitioning, or that I'll be lonely because people won't want to be around me. But then I think about it and I think that I can live with lonely.

I can promise you it's not easy to accept it, but it's so much more appealing to wake up and present to the world as who I am. but sometimes, it's really hard. My body's monthly *fuck you* makes me want to lie down and cry. And I do. I cried for four hours just two nights ago, hating my body, hating the world, hating everything. And then I woke up to a message from a fellow AVENite and everything felt a little better.

The thing is, I can't give you much advice. I can only tell you what I've been doing to make it better. These things are very different from person to person, but the feelings... well we have those in common.

So honestly, if you ever feel like talking, or just hating the world with someone who gets it, PM me. This is not something you need to go through alone. Seriously, I've been where you are. I still sometimes am where you are, and if it weren't for a few wonderful people, both on AVEN and outside, I would probably be curled up in a corner scared of facing myself. And there is nothing worse in the world than the to fear your own personal self.

P.S. On the sexuality part, I sometimes wonder too. If I transitioned... who knows? And I know for a fact that hormones can affect these things... but then there is the question of sex drive vs. sexual desire and attraction. Would I want sex? probably. Would I be attracted to people sexually? Remains to be seen.

[aromatic]

Coming home after a long Friday at work and finding this... this out pouring of support.

It's amazing, you guys.

I didn't think anyone would really reply, but instead there are such nice things being said.

I've been looking into trying to find a gender therapist, but I find that money is an issue. I feel like top surgery is my first priority, but it's really difficult to even imagine explaining it to people.

The comment about wishing for breast cancer hits so close to home that it's unreal. I have had this thought quite a bit. It also occasionally extends to my reproductive organs. I know I shouldn't be thinking that way because cancer is horribly dangerous and ruins lives, but sometimes it feels like the only way I'd ever be able to properly get support for my decisions. I've mentioned a desire for top surgery to my mom, but she says I'd be 'mutilating' my body. She's also the one who described me binding as 'hiding my true self'. Those statements make her sound horribly closed minded, but I feel like if I were to transition at all, she'd be 'okay' with it. I don't think she would disown me but I almost guarantee she would be embarrassed by me.

I dread being read as a guy when I'm out with family because everyone expects me to be horribly offended, when in truth it doesn't really faze me. It's really awkward to purposely throw on some 'visible makeup so the rest of my family doesn't get embarrassed by me. I also don't know how to have the conversation of 'if they think I'm a dude, don't freak out. it makes it worse', yeah?

[Amokima]

A few of you have mentioned binding. How do you do that?

I'm lucky. As much as I wish I was all male, my boobs are the only thing that I'm desperate to change. I've only once in my life had period pains (never laughed at my sister again after that); I just get incredibly hungry & my thighs faintly ache for the first day and half, so it's just an annoyance not a torture for me.

Oh, God. Tomorrow's my brothers' wedding & I'm wearing a feminine top. I don't really want to, but hey, it's for my brother & all that. Thankfully it's not too girly-girl. It was the best the lot that I could find. I can't stand the way it makes me look. That, plus the fact I find weddings so incredibly boring is making me hope I get bad hayfever tomorrow so I can go back to the hotel early (it's out on a farm in a done-up, heritage listed wool shed).

[Zapstileon]

A few of you have mentioned binding. How do you do that?

I'm lucky. As much as I wish I was all male, my boobs are the only thing that I'm desperate to change. I've only once in my life had period pains (never laughed at my sister again after that); I just get incredibly hungry & my thighs faintly ache for the first day and half, so it's just an annoyance not a torture for me.

Tight sports bra or just buying a binder online is my way to go. I know a lot of people resort to bandages of sorts, but I know that's often just not good for you, so I'd recommend buying something that's made for the purpose. If you intend to keep looking a little feminine and not completely flat, then a tight sports bra should do the trick for you. And by sports bra I mean an actual top kind of thing like this. Anything else would be as prominent as an actual bra, and not very helpful. It depends on your size, too.

I'm pretty lucky with the lack of cramping too. It's a very rare occasion, and if it happens, a paracetamol will usually solve the problem fairly quickly. It's a torture one way or the other, but not because of pain.

[Amokima]

Tight sports bra or just buying a binder online is my way to go. I know a lot of people resort to bandages of sorts, but I know that's often just not good for you, so I'd recommend buying something that's made for the purpose. If you intend to keep looking a little feminine and not completely flat, then a tight sports bra should do the trick for you. And by sports bra I mean an actual top kind of thing like this. Anything else would be as prominent as an actual bra, and not very helpful. It depends on your size, too.

Yeah, I've only ever worn tight sports bras 'cause it makes them look smaller than they are (I'm 12C), but I really would prefer to be flat. I'll have to look into binders. I didn't know there were such things.

[nerdperson777]

I'm one to relate too. But I was just "regular" tomboy. I wasn't all about getting muscles and hair since I knew I could never really be. I'm sort of a "gentleman dude" person. I still have female qualities like being scared of everything and some others. I didn't like bras and periods but I knew I had to get used to them, almost to giving up on being a guy ideal. I still have short hair for a girl, but I'll eventually get to male short hair soon. Fortunately I'm not very femininely bodied so I don't have to be as dysphoric. My shoulders are wider than my hips, chest, then waist. I didn't really exercise much during my teenage years so I'm not that big.

Mom still thinks I'm a lesbian which sucks. Not being attracted to guys doesn't make me gay. I do agree that asexuality kind of comes into the equation too. I see myself as a boy instead of a man. I don't think people in general in a sexual context. I'm just an innocent child that doesn't want to know the darker things in life. I compromised so much by wearing a dress to the senior prom, and I even went with a family friend. I didn't want to show any skin so I practically covered my entire body. My mom also made me wear short heels and suddenly said I needed foundation makeup. I never agreed to that ever and it happened right before I went. Prom was boring but I can at least say I went.

We're all available for PM!