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The f word... (NOT f***!)


Burgundy

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I'm talking about the word 'frigid' here. Have you ever been called this?

Luckily the friends I've told about me being ace are, y'know, decent people and haven't said anything cruel (it's all been positive, except for one person who didn't seem to understand why I wanted to 'label' myself as ace, and even then he wasn't cruel or anything), and past partners haven't wanted to pressure me into doing anything.

However, I do specifically remember this one time at high school when a few girls referred to me as being frigid, and then (I don't exactly know how they did this) they made me admit it myself. I also remember times when I was called frigid for not wanting to wear short skirts, but the occasion above stays firmly in my mind, just remembering how horrible and embarrassed I felt.

I first considered the possibility I was asexual a few months ago when I just thought to myself 'Why am I so frigid,' which prompted me to look up asexuality. And everything made sense :)

I'd never call anyone frigid because it's horrible. However, I jokingly think to myself now 'Actually yes I AM frigid. So what?' This is just how I work, turning something negative into a positive :) xx

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God, yes. I'm kind of closeted about my asexuality, since when I came out to people close to me it became a topic of interest that nobody wanted to drop.. Like I was some kind of alien specimen for not liking sex all that much! There were definitely a few people at school who called me 'frigid' and said 'i needed to find a good d***'. It really sucked (no pun intended).

At the time it really hurt and made me feel pretty cast out, but I agree with you! Turn a negative into a positive! 'I am frigid! That's only bad because you think it is! It's fine by me!'. Really turns the insults back around. :)

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I remember when in my second year of college (I was 17), one friend asked if I'd ever had sex with my by-then ex partner. When I said no, he was really surprised that I hadn't, and it confused me that HE was surprised because why would I want to do that kind of thing?!

But I'm glad you too can turn negatives into positives, goodness knows it's kept me going through life, and I hope one day you won't need to be closeted xx

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nerdperson777

Cold hugs right here. My idea of a hug: Wrap arms lightly around person. Wait several seconds for loading aspect. Hug completed. Remove contact.

I know how to rubberize my arms and squeeze with my strength but that's not really a hug.

I also have a tendency to blankly stare at people. This guy a couple days ago said that it looked like I was trying to stare into his soul.

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Nobody's ever said it to me because I think the general and silent assumption has been that I'm a lesbian. Which is cool. If people have said it behind my back I've never heard them say it, although I think the sentiment of looking down on someone for not having sex is ridiculous, and therefore amusing, I'm not fond of the word frigid. I've never called anyone it, mostly because I've never seen the point of the word. Nobody's ever made me feel bad for not having had sex, although a few people have seemed surprised.

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WhenSummersGone

I haven't been called frigid but I have been called a prude online. Also I got comments from my past sexual partners saying that I'm too quiet in bed and that I'm hard to please. I'm glad I joined here because things make more sense.

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Never been called frigid, but I have been called a prude. Which, I find a bit amusing, honestly. I have done way too much to really ever have "prude" fit me. :lol: But, I do not like sex or seeing people (except my partner) naked so, of course that has mean "prude". Blah.

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Breathing....

However, I do specifically remember this one time at high school when a few girls referred to me as being frigid, and then (I don't exactly know how they did this) they made me admit it myself. I also remember times when I was called frigid for not wanting to wear short skirts, but the occasion above stays firmly in my mind, just remembering how horrible and embarrassed I felt.

I had a very similar experience to this. I remember asking them what it meant and when they explained I said 'oh, yeah, by that definition I'm frigid.' They all laughed and disappeared off. I was so confused and figured they meant something else and had been winding me up...turns out not, I just didn't (until a good 10years later) figure out that the majority of people weren't/aren't 'frigid'. I was so confused that I actually went a looked it up which further confused me as it said something about things being cold (pre Internet). :/

:) I always saw it as a positive and only in the last 3/4 years started truly realising that most people dont see it that way. :o

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butterflydreams

Nope, never been called "frigid". Though I distinctly remember my best friend in high school (and this was almost a decade before I identified as asexual) once told me that I was like a robot, and emotionless, and that because of that, I'd never truly find love. Because I could never truly love anyone. He was wrong, of course, but at that point in my life, with the experiences I had (and more importantly, those I lacked), I couldn't dismiss his assertion.

Not frigid per se, but not too far off IMO.

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Frigid.

I friggin' HATE that word.

I think I may have been called that once or twice when I was a teenager, didn't really care. But....

When I was about 14, me, my best friend (X) & another guy friend ® were walking home from school, cutting through the back ways & short cuts that not many others knew about. At one point, R turned to X & asked if he could feel up her boobs. X was looked very uncomfortable & nervous at this & said no. R started calling her frigid. X then shameful agreed to let him feel her up, even going so far as unzipping the front of her dress a bit to allow him access. I tried to get her to say no, that she didn't have to do this, but because R called her frigid, she wouldn't listen. I ended up leaving beacuse I was extremely uncomfortable with this situation, unable to do anything about it & didn't want to watch.

This incident nealy caused me to drop R as a friend. I didn't drop him totally, but I was definetly a bit wary around him for a few months & was never as good friends as we were before this happened.

All this convinced me of 3 things:

1. It made me even more adamant than I was already to not wear dresses, especially the school uniform, summer dresses with their easy-access, front zippers.

2. Made me determined to never let anyone ever talk me into or make me do anything with my body that I don't want.

3. Utterly convinced me that the word 'frigid' is just a nasty sounding word used purely to shame girls (or boys) into letting other do things to them that they don't want.

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I don't care whether or not people think I'm frigid. The cold never bothered me, anyway.

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Frigid.

I friggin' HATE that word.

I think I may have been called that once or twice when I was a teenager, didn't really care. But....

When I was about 14, me, my best friend (X) & another guy friend ® were walking home from school, cutting through the back ways & short cuts that not many others knew about. At one point, R turned to X & asked if he could feel up her boobs. X was looked very uncomfortable & nervous at this & said no. R started calling her frigid. X then shameful agreed to let him feel her up, even going so far as unzipping the front of her dress a bit to allow him access. I tried to get her to say no, that she didn't have to do this, but because R called her frigid, she wouldn't listen. I ended up leaving beacuse I was extremely uncomfortable with this situation, unable to do anything about it & didn't want to watch.

This incident nealy caused me to drop R as a friend. I didn't drop him totally, but I was definetly a bit wary around him for a few months & was never as good friends as we were before this happened.

All this convinced me of 3 things:

1. It made me even more adamant than I was already to not wear dresses, especially the school uniform, summer dresses with their easy-access, front zippers.

2. Made me determined to never let anyone ever talk me into or make me do anything with my body that I don't want.

3. Utterly convinced me that the word 'frigid' is just a nasty sounding word used purely to shame girls (or boys) into letting other do things to them that they don't want.

Friend R sounds horrible :( xx

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I've been called a prude and frigid and it is really hurtful because those little nuggets dig into your brain and make you think that you are a shameful person because you don't feel those things.

In my case, it's my "darling" mother who calls me a cold person. When its someone that close to you, you really do want to hide away in the blankets. And when strangers mention the same thing to you, you really do begin to believe it.

I am still suffering from the repercussions of that. But my partner thinks that I am almost perfect. (he's sexual) He constantly reinforces the fact that I am NOT frigid.

So. I try not to call anyone that word because it's not nice.

as for prude,,,, geez, people need to get new words.

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As Asokima, the word can basically be a way of making someone feel bad for not wanting to do something, and to force them into doing it. It also sets people apart from what they 'should' be like. This, and words like 'prude' I think have certain connotations for people in the asexual community :( xx

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Are you kidding me? Most of the people I know who are cruel enough to use that word probably don't even know what it means!

I have been called a nun, though... Even though I'm a staunch atheist. And I got a rape threat, which turned into a threat to get my friend to rape me. Good times, those were.

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I can't recall having been called "frigid", but I think it might not be a common word to use here in Los Estados Unidos. I have been called "cold" and other things, such as Vulcan or cyborg/robot by certain people. I guess not seeing others as sexual objects in a seemingly sex-driven world has lead to me being seen as deficient emotionally, for some reason, by certain people. I guess it is beyond the understand of a lot of people that someone could possibly not be driven primarily by sex when it comes to interpersonal relations. I think (at least in the local culture of my city) it is common for some of the guys in my age group to make comments to each other about the attractiveness or desirability of strangers, often in very crude terms. It is very awkward to me when this happens on so many levels... :(

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  • 4 weeks later...

Are you kidding me? Most of the people I know who are cruel enough to use that word probably don't even know what it means!

I have been called a nun, though... Even though I'm a staunch atheist. And I got a rape threat, which turned into a threat to get my friend to rape me. Good times, those were.

So, two days after I posted this, someone called me frigid. I can understand why people find this irritating.

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I'm lucky that everyone I've told has been really accepting, and everyone else mostly doesn't notice my lack of attraction. A few of my friends have jokingly called me frigid as a joke, but I accepted it because it was all in good fun. If someone said it seriously I would be quite offended, because I consider myself a very caring person, just not sexually or romantically.

I do relate to the short skirts thing. I went to a Catholic school that had uniforms, and most girls would roll their skirts to be a short as possible. I didnt, and let my skirt fall about-knee length, making me have one of the longest skirts in our class. People judged me a lot and some even called me a prude, but I was very whatever about it. I was comfortable, and I never liked wearing short skirts or shorts.

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I've been called "cold" just for not liking people touching me or hugging me. Makes me wonder what people would think if they knew I was asexual.

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Can someone educate me on what does "frigid" mean and why it's so bad?"^^

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Frigid, cold, b****, mean, cruel, heart-breaker, icy, freak . . . probably several others I can't recall at this moment. Usually these comments have been made by males whom were "interested" in me, quite pushy about it, and didn't respect my adamant refusal. Or they were made by friends as I related my refusal stories. To be honest, I never gave any of these comments a thought. I tend to be aggressive when pushed, and most people don't know what to do with an aggressive woman. Baffles them or something. But it wasn't until this post that I actually realized what all those comments were referring to -- my lack of sex drive, not my aggressive nature. Learn something new every day.

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Can someone educate me on what does "frigid" mean and why it's so bad?"^^

The word "frigid" itself isn't bad. It is the same thing as saying: cold, chilly, and freezing.

Rather, it's the way the word is being used. Generally people liken sex and passion to warmth and fire, so the opposite of that, a lack of sex, is to be cold or frigid. As some of the other posters have illustrated, many times using the word "frigid" is a way to insult someone, say they are not a sexual being, and maybe even coerce them into sexualized behavior (whether that is dressing sexy or having sex). And in a sexualized culture, to not be sexual is an insult to many.

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Can someone educate me on what does "frigid" mean and why it's so bad?"^^

The word "frigid" itself isn't bad. It is the same thing as saying: cold, chilly, and freezing.

Rather, it's the way the word is being used. Generally people liken sex and passion to warmth and fire, so the opposite of that, a lack of sex, is to be cold or frigid. As some of the other posters have illustrated, many times using the word "frigid" is a way to insult someone, say they are not a sexual being, and maybe even coerce them into sexualized behavior (whether that is dressing sexy or having sex). And in a sexualized culture, to not be sexual is an insult to many.

To add to this, calling someone frigid implies that they are sexually numb, unfeeling or repressed (i.e. "She's so frigid, she'll never have sex with me."

Calling a person cold, as in cold-hearted, is a way of saying they are cruel, soulless and unemotional (i.e. "She broke up with him in a text? That's just cold.")

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Oddly..i have never been called frigid or cold..total opposite..i have been called Easy.. I'm a 27 year old virgin aro ace, I've never kissed and dated only like twice, and quite openly show no interest in any of it, so how in the world i managed a reputation of being "easy" is completely beyond me!

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Can someone educate me on what does "frigid" mean and why it's so bad?"^^

The word "frigid" itself isn't bad. It is the same thing as saying: cold, chilly, and freezing.

Rather, it's the way the word is being used. Generally people liken sex and passion to warmth and fire, so the opposite of that, a lack of sex, is to be cold or frigid. As some of the other posters have illustrated, many times using the word "frigid" is a way to insult someone, say they are not a sexual being, and maybe even coerce them into sexualized behavior (whether that is dressing sexy or having sex). And in a sexualized culture, to not be sexual is an insult to many.

OK, so I did understand the word, just not the social implications.

I think I'd laugh at the person who'd call me frigid. I am a cold person, and I'm pretty damn proud of that. It means I can think properly even when emotions should be hindering my rationality.

However, I'm also not easily insulted. I can see how this can be an insult- to imply about the whole emotional spectrum of a person just because they don't want to fuck with everything is pretty damn stupid, and annoying.

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Can someone educate me on what does "frigid" mean and why it's so bad?"^^

The word "frigid" itself isn't bad. It is the same thing as saying: cold, chilly, and freezing.

Rather, it's the way the word is being used. Generally people liken sex and passion to warmth and fire, so the opposite of that, a lack of sex, is to be cold or frigid. As some of the other posters have illustrated, many times using the word "frigid" is a way to insult someone, say they are not a sexual being, and maybe even coerce them into sexualized behavior (whether that is dressing sexy or having sex). And in a sexualized culture, to not be sexual is an insult to many.

OK, so I did understand the word, just not the social implications.

I think I'd laugh at the person who'd call me frigid. I am a cold person, and I'm pretty damn proud of that. It means I can think properly even when emotions should be hindering my rationality.

However, I'm also not easily insulted. I can see how this can be an insult- to imply about the whole emotional spectrum of a person just because they don't want to fuck with everything is pretty damn stupid, and annoying.

That kind of description of cold is a little one sided. There are many ways to express warm feelings towards other people that does not involve sex. People who do not talk much can be very warm to be around.

Its ironic in that some of the coldest people (because I go to a business school) are those who pretend to be nice and talk to you to maintain their network of people and leverage of favors instead of talking to you just to talk to you. They sound so hallow and fake.

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After I became friends with someone, she expressed surprise that I was warm, funny, etc because apparently I give a very cold and distant impression. Which made me re-evaluate some past experiences where I thought guys were trying to be friends with me, only to suddenly give ME the cold treatment. So, I suppose my friends is right - because I have strong barriers and am not looking for dates, I must come off as "frigid". But I know that isn't true, so if anyone else said it to me, I'd probably just shrug it off. Unless it was someone I care a lot about, who I have let those barriers down for. But I am just never going to be a "warm" person to an outsider.

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So for the most part if my friends want to tell me they had sex with so and so, or if we're out and they need to stop and buy a pack of condoms or whatever. I really don't care, it doesn't bother me it is what it is. The thing is though I just don't want to hear the details of how it happened and where it happened. And I had a friend who use to do this all the time. This was back in high school and I can still remember her telling me about her first time with her boyfriend. I still remember the details she told me right down to the color of the condom.

When one of our other friends told her that she didn't want to here it, she was called a prude. So even though I was just as uncomfortable with the amount of details she was giving there was no way I was going to speak up and get called that too, because that's the last thing I wanted to be and be seen as. I wanted and still want to be supportive of my friends and their sex lives...but I really don't need to hear every single detail.

Thankfully though this doesn't happen so much anymore and I can relax a bit.

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The judgments didn't start coming until I got to college: frigid, cold, ice woman. I'm really very cheerful and friendly, but if I turn down all guys (and girls too) for sex, then that's the only thing that defines me to people with sexual expectations. Holding my head high when someone calls me frigid empowers me. I will not be shamed by a judgmental label.

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Due to the joys of The Daily Mail, I got called 'Frigid', 'only like that cause she's doing it wrong', 'she's doing the male population a favour', 'Can't get any so that's why she's swearing off sex', 'Is a lesbian (I have no idea how that would fit!)', 'Catholic upbringing' etc etc etc.

So boring and repetitive. Besides, who cares if a person IS frigid. It's their body to do with as they will. Unfortunately society is sex obsessed. It's EVERYWHERE and to not be ok with that is seen as weird (though to be honest I think it's more polite! Who wants to see sexual references every time they turn their head!?!)

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