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I don't understand him.


imgone

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Hello ^^

I can relate to the overanalyzing! I want to understand and rationalise everything, but there's only so much you can do on your own. He has a lot of the answers you need :) As for not relating to things like sexual attraction and libido, you don't have to fully understand him, or have him fully understand you - you just have to accept each other, accept the differences, and focus on your similarities and the things that keep you together :)

If you're not sure what he means I would ask directly - scrap the metaphors and just talk about the actual things you're referring to :) I would have interpreted what he said as meaning he can go without sex - he would like to but he's not unhappy for not having it, and if you wanted to then he would be happy to? It's best to check with him, rather than worry about it by yourself. Off-topic but.. if he could take or leave sex, do you think there's a chance he's some kind of Gray-A?

As for him just wanting sex, you can relate it to your romantic orientation - even when you aren't with someone, you may have a desire for a romantic connection, to have that kind of relationship. It's an innate desire - for him sex is also something he innately desires, even if that desire isn't linked to any one person in particular. You can have that innate want for sex, and still have sex as an expression of emotion/love. Similarly you can absolutely love someone without ever having sex with them.

It sounds like you are becoming anxious because you are having conversations with yourself about how he thinks and feel and what he wants, instead of having these talks with him. He's the only person who can let you know where he's at in relation to all of these things, so ask him as many questions as you need to, to feel secure, to feel like you understand as well as you possibly can, and so that nothing is ambiguous or unclear :) x

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@b88: Thanks for the thoughtful reply! :) You are definitely right about focusing on what we have in common and doing our best to communicate with each other. I want to revisit the conversation again now that I'm not panicking, and hopefully in person, though he got himself grounded sooo who knows, there.

I feel like the not being able to relate to each other is mutual, though that may be another assumption on my part haha. Sometimes he doesn't seem to believe me when I say I'm enjoying myself, in my own way. If I'm not "taking initiative" for instance and maybe he directs my hands he'll later sound guilty and say he felt like he made me do something I didn't want to. He often asks me if I'm getting bored. I've told him to just trust me but I think I need to sit him down and explain a few things about my asexuality again, especially since I've become more certain about it and come to better understand it strangely since we started doing things, and our first conversation about it was looong before haha. Perhaps I could use the same sort of talk from him, but I doubt he's spent as much time dissecting his sexuality as I have, hahaha, he might not know how to communicate it. Worth a shot though.

As for him being grey-A... I definitely considered it, but it doesn't really add up with anything else. He once told me he was "very sexual." His last relationship was based a lot on sexual attraction. They weren't even friends, he didn't even really like her as a person. It freaks me out that he's capable of that, but I know that our relationship is not the same as theirs. He and I are best friends. :) But yeah back to the grey-A thing, I asked him more and he said sex was something he wanted to do eventually but he didn't care when, which maybe means he is okay if we decide not to make it a part of our relationship, or maybe was even in reference to when I said I wanted to wait a little, who knows. I don't know if he actually mean he didn't want sex, or he was trying to tell me he didn't need it. Like you said, I gotta talk to him. :P

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