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Posted this before, but the more opinions, the better! [poss trigger warnings]


liketonybutwithanE

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liketonybutwithanE

Hello, wonderful people!

I posted this in the Asexual Q&A section but I also wanted to post here. A lovely mod suggested I explore the grey-A section of the site, so here I am!

I have recently come into a group of friends that have made me want to further analyze my own sexuality. They are great people who make me laugh and we share the same interests and we all can goof off together and they themselves range far and wide on the sexuality scale. But questions they've asked regarding my sexuality have had me stumped. I feel wrong and rude just up and blurting out "It's none of your business," because it's not said to be hurtful but just to clarify and to show interest.

I have never had an actual sexual or physical relationship in my life. Yes, I've had (extremely tame) fantasies and watched porn (what teenager hasn't?) and I do have the appropriate physiological response to arousal, but they never revolve around the actually "sex act." I feel wrong in my skin (and to be honest, little skived out) when I think about sex with another person, sort of like my pleasure is nonexistent because of all the anxiety (thinking about the other individual's pleasure, what they are thinking about, am I doing something wrong?) I have in correlation to my partner's pleasure and how I am affecting that outcome and it just becomes too much and I give up before even trying.

Back to the never having had a fully fledged (all out, with all the trimmings) sexual relationship. I've had friends were interested, but I've only had one pseudo-relationship and that was with a man. I was almost 20 at the time (he being 26) and he casually invited me to "hang out" (yes, my naiveté was shockingly apparent, huh? I thought that was all he wanted.) and I was excited! This guy was great, we had near identical taste in film and literature and he was funny and smart. About 15 minutes into the movie, he tapped my shoulder and patted the section of the sofa closed to him and I was fricking over the moon. Free cuddles, man! Then everything kinda went sideways. Needless to say, he was under the impression that this was a sexual thing (and I didn't tell him any different, so it's technically my fault) and I let him do what he wanted until I became extremely uncomfortable then I ended the relationship. I haven't tried again with anyone that I know doesn't know I am not in it for the sex, so that mostly leaves my younger cousins and household pets (they never complain!).

I must be rambling by now, but I promise I have a point. I would just like some outside input on what I'm feeling/have described. I know/can tell you when a man or a woman is attractive (in my opinion); I have my own preferences in regards to aesthetics but not necessarily just physical features (I admire my friend R***'s eye color; other friend, H*****'s, calm devil-may-care attitude, but I find that certain bodily movements catch my eye as well, an example being my university's archery team captain's, P***, stance when he draws his bow and certain random muscle movements.) I love to cuddle but generally dislike being touched casually by people I have little to no personal history with but I don't like kissing (to me it's kinda boring, my mind just wanders and I'm left reciting my high school Spanish vocabulary.) When I choose to invest time and intimacy with someone, I put the full force behind it.

I truly would appreciate any opinions or thoughts. And if anything is jumbled or completely incomprehensible, I will gladly try to explain it. Thank you!

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hopefulwanderer1

Interacting with other individuals on the asexual spectrum and even those who prefer sexual experiences with others is always going to be tricky for aces. Even your experiences are just one set of situations that we could find ourselves in and truthfully, you've got to discover what these experiences mean to you personally in order to decide what you'd like out of relationships in the future. Life is messy and relationships can be even messier, but if you can establish in your own words what kind of boundaries you'd like to establish with potential partners, I think you'll find yourself in less messy situations. Let me know if this helps at all! We can chat about this for as long as necessary or as long as you want.

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